Do we tell my MIL that her adult grandson is gay and engaged?

No, don't tell her. Especially if she has become quite nasty. While she may forget some things, maybe she will fixate on that and you'll wish you never told her. I miss my aunt as a confidente but at 92 years old, she will never support any new news of mine, such that we have moved and have a nice life now where we are. In fact, her psychologist advised that I don't tell her I moved at all! Apparently, she won't notice. Just a side note, my aunt at about 89 (she already developed the dementia) developed this absolute fixation on gay weddings! She did. She decided my sister's husband was gay and in fact was somehow leading a gay pride parade in my cousin's town! She really likes this theme. She has been telling everyone who will listen to her that there was a gay wedding in fact, who knows who these grooms were, but it to be performed in her own nursing home room on Easter Sunday. She said her psychologist had to break the news to her that the men cancelled the wedding! She keeps saying, ALL that planning and for what? She's become quite odd really.

Ask yourself if this is information she needs to know. Will she understand or will it only confuse her further?

we just don't know what registers and what doesn't. Tell the truth, and then don't harp on it. those half truths come in handy too.

For my 2 pennies worth I think Igloo has the perfect solution for
all those closely concerned.

Considering the age difference then Yes, homosexuality could be compared to death.
I'm in my 50's but I have very clear memory of listening as a little girl while grown ups talked over my head of the horror of homsexuality.
I also know of the barbaric treatment suffered by an uncle in prison as they "tried to change him" "make him normal"
This part of UK/US history is still in the life time of our elders, not all have today's perspective.
Perhaps we could all learn from that appalling history though and be a little less judgemental of others. Especially when they don't fit our mould.

PS. Congrats on your Son's engagement, hope the Wedding is all that could be desired and married life is long and happy.

If she isnt going to remember, why complicate things? She doesnt remember that they are adults, so will it matter if you dont tell her?

The question discloses that you have not had a lot of experience with this.

Keep it simple, keep it simple, keep it simple.

Is that clear???

All she really needs to know is that he is happy. That will make her happy. The specifics only matter to him and his partner.

To Emiesmum,

Just wondering how you and the family handled the fact that he was gay, and that later that he was getting married in a same sex partnership? My son is 45, adopted, and gay since birth. He has a relationship with another man, but is not yet married.

You have to ask yourselves who this will help or matter to. Would you be worried about telling her if he was heterosexual? If she's anything like my 96 year old mother, she won't remember five minutes later even if you did tell her. What does it and who really cares on way or the other. Save what may remain of her lucidity for more important things.

You have two people to take care of here, your son and your mother-in-law. You have gotten good advice on taking care of your MIL. Now for your son.

Will he feel bad if you don't tell her? Or are YOU just worried that he will feel bad? If it's real important to him that she be told, then talk to him about how her reaction might be hurtful. He may understand her mental condition, and know that there is no point in bringing it up. He may be happy to visit her and introduce his spouse as his best friend, so that Grandmother can get to share their affection without distressing feelings.

If your son wants her to be told, then I would tell her exactly once, and let the chips fall where they may. You will be telling him that you are on his side, and are willing to "shout it from the rooftops."

If he doesn't really mind letting sleeping dogs lie, then pull up your big girl panties and start preparing plausible lies.

I'm all for gay rights and gay marriage, but if I found out that my child was gay, I would at the least feel sad about it. You are having to accept the loss of a "typical" future and family for your child. You are trying to accept this new and different path for your son. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, without feeling disloyal to your son. If you don't have the right friends and family support to tell your own truth, consider 2 or 3 sessions with a therapist or PFLAG.

Your life is demanding and sometimes distressing. Give yourself a break. It sounds like you are doing a very good job. God bless you.

I would absolutely tell her - in fact, no need to say anything at all - just add the pictures of her grandson and his love. If grandma says, who't that? You just answer, that's his husband.

Why bother telling her at all. Let her be happy. If she asks, which she probably does all the time from the sound of your letter, tell her he has found someone he is in love with. You do not need to tell her any details that may lead to hurt feelings or confusion. After the wedding, if she asks about seeing pictures, decide what to do then. I would refrain from talking about the wedding or plans, etc.. at all. Not telling her everything, does not mean you are not telling the truth. You are saving yourself from a headache.

No. Is the news going to benefit your MIL and where her life is at right now? If not, don't even go there.

Even if she is told, she quite likely won't recall it ten minutes later. Sorry to be that blunt. If she is aware of the LGBT community, I doubt that her generation will understand. Let me turn the tables for a minute-how important is it for your son to let Granny know? I ask this because I have a nephew (whose name you may know if I divulged it) who before he came out, had an unsuccessful suicide attempt, thank goodness.

I recently saw some research studies that indicate that Alzheimer patience retain emotions even when they have forgotten the event or information. Keep that in mind; try to figure out what would be easiest on her.

My prayers to you and your son.

Sorry Angela11....I agree with all of the others, but not your answer. I know that this is a "politically correct" society and we shall all be happy for the couple, but MIL is from a different era and could be living in that era. I never know what decade my husband is in. Is this the time to get down to discussions of "correctness"? I would be showing pictures of the family that she recognizes and their friends. No need to explain relationships at this point. Do you really need a "hissy fit" at this time.

What purpose would this serve? Do not even bring it up.

I understand that grandson and you want to make this announcement to grandma. If grandson loves her as it sounds like he does, he will also understand grandma's fragile state and unpredictable response. I would not want to be in his position if grandma becomes upset by the news. In addition, what kind of an impact the announcement will have on grandson if he does not receive the positive response he is hoping for.

My nephew Nick recently tied the knot with his long-time partner Reggie. My homophobic sister fainted upon receipt of the wedding invitation and, as the hypocritical santera she is, prayed to Chango to curse the sinful union. His father, on the other hand, had a blast at the reception.

Although he grew up with my male twins after she put him on the street at the age of 12 for being gay, it's not for me to share his sexual orientation and private life with anyone. That's his business.

In the meantime, pictures of him with Reg still hang on my walls along with my sons, their wives, and the grandchildren. Millicent, my Cajun MIL, asked me last week how I coped with having a gay son. I couldn't stop laughing.

... Millie, baby, get some help. I've never had a problem with it.

Eddie: Your question cracked me up! My very famous nephew, Jack Andraka inveted a test to detect for pancreatic cancer at age 15, so the fact that he is not straight is of no concern to me.

*invented*

I would be concerned about offending the grandson by not including the pics with his boyfriend but maybe he would rather you not include him in it anyway? I would certainly ask him before you do it but if it were me, I would only use snapshots of family members from years and years ago i.e. a picture of her adult son when he was 5 yrs old, pictures that she can maybe relate to since her short term memory is gone. If I gave my dad who has dementia current photos of his children and grandchildren he would be so very confused. As the saying goes, "Keep it simple sweetie"

Corgigirl, you are out of line.

Tell her anything that you think will improve her quality of life. What is the point of making her miserable? I would start with "Don't worry about your grandson....he has found someone who makes him very happy."

Good answer BettyA2007

And when she asks about that person who makes the grandson very happy, then you will be obliged to start lying.

Keep it simpler.

No point..if she has no short term memory she won't remember it by the time she sees him anyway. I would just bring the picture and if she asks then tell her its someone very special in his life. If you tell her they are getting married and she is starting to display mean behavior she may say something that is offensive and that would just hurt feelings. Please remember when someone get dementia they don't realize always what they are saying. She is also from a different age group and yes..she may not approve because in her day that was just wrong. We have to respect the way different generations looked at things regardless of whether we agree or not and with dementia, sometimes there is no reasoning as to how they react to things. Be safe and don't create a situation where she says something ugly to your grandson which may cause a rift.

Why tell her something that she has no capacity to understand?. Her brain function is deteriorating to the point of the distant past. She will not absorb new information today. If you tell her something new that you feel will be shocking you may have to tell her over and over....thereby re-shocking her over and over.
Some things are best avoided, like bad news in the world. The capacity to process things that are upsetting is impaired