Should we take Mom with Alzheimer's/dementia with us to a party with our friends?

She is visiting you? Have you taken her out and about yet? How advanced is the Alzheimer's?

Some people with Alzheimer's do OK for a brief time in mixed company. Some don't. Often the stimulation is too much for them and they can only put on their "public" face for so long before it begins to crack.

Knowing this, try it. Your mom may have a great time and it may be really good for her. But have an exit strategy if she starts to become agitated.

I agree with Eyerish, sure, give it a try, but be ready to leave if Mom becomes overly disoriented, or to preaching.

Then be prepared when you return home, since she is visiting you, for this to continue until she is distracted by something else.

I agree that if the gathering isn't too large and your friends are aware of your mother's dementia, go ahead and take her. Be aware, though, that she may get tired, anxious and/or agitated, so have a back up plan for someone to take her home.

Some people with dementia enjoy going out. Others are very anxious and don't enjoy it. Some of what you do will have to be based on how she is doing that day, as well. If she's like most people with dementia, she'll have some days where she's more clear than others. Days where her anxiety is worse. Go with your gut, but have a back up plan (or exit plan as Everishlass so wisely suggests). I hope you all can have some fun.
Carol

I think it proper to ask your friends if they do not mind. After all, it is their party.

I shy away from most social gathering because my mother, who has dementia, tends to make negative statements about people. Before the dementia set in, my mother was extremely insecure and now it seems more so. Whenever someone doesn't agree with her she gets upsets and pouts. Needless to say, she has no friends and very few visitors.

You aren't alone with this problem, Osomerset. Many people find that they can't take their elders or spouse to a gathering for that very reason. That's why it's important for the hosts to understand the nature of the disease. Also, the size of the group matters. I also agree with dirtydemensia that the host should be asked. Some people find it easier than others to have someone different (and often abrasive) around. Great thoughts from the group, as always.
Carol

You all have been so helpful! We did call the host yesterday, and she said, of course, bring her! We have a strategy that if and when she becomes agitated or in-appropriate, I will bring her back home. We only live 2 houses down from our neighbors. This forum has helped us so much in each issue we come across!

She is your mom, and deserves some enjoyment and a social treat now and then. Just check with your friends ahead of time, so that everyone is aware of her condition and that it's okay with them if she comes. We need to remember, just because our parents start to fail (with dementia, physical ailments, personality changes, etc), they are still people who loved us and sacrificed their young lives for us. Keep things in perspective and do your best to be charitable, loving and patient with her. You won't regret treating her well -- through all stages of her old age -- once she's gone.

My sil's mom had dementia. She came to our house for Thanksgiving and Passover. She told her stories over and over again, but we knew what to expect, prepare your friends.

Would your neighbors allow you to do a "trial run" so that your mother is already familiar with the house, where the bathroom is, and so forth? Maybe this would make the party visit go more smoothly.

My mom is not appropriate to be around strangers for an event. She has bad table manners, and she is has started to try to hit me when we are at the doctors. I just wonder how long this is going to continue. She has FTD.

Sure. Go ahead and take her. Alzheimer's is not contagious.

MY stepson's MIL had Alzheimer's and they used to sit me next to her because she liked me and we'd talk away for hours although on different subjects. But, she enjoyed it. Give her a treat and don't worry about your friends' reactions. They will probably be very kind and generous with her. I assume that your friends are kind people. Life without risk is no life at all, and life with Alzheimer's is even worse if you are hidden away at all times and have no opportunity to interact with others. If necessary, take a small amount of Diazepam before you take her. :)

I agree with Carol Bursack's advice. I take mom to small gatherings where people do know her and understand her dementia. If she can sit in some small out of the way place where she can visit with 1 or few people at a time, then she would probably do ok. She will, though, get fidgety, anxious and tired. You might have to be prepared to take her home early.

That's very nice of your neighbours to be so inclusive, and so welcoming (I definitely agreed with DD that the correct thing was to run the idea past the hosts first). I hope your mother has a whale of a time. Relax and enjoy!

iwb i am in a the same boat our new neighbours are having a house warming soon and i dont think mum coming is a good idea for me as theyve spent a fortune on doing the house up and mum was shouting that they were showing off. Id just be terrified shed say something really rude? But yes we need to take them out sometimes this will be a first with neighbours but if she says anything then never again. Its sad to even have to ask this but its reality. I would just die if mum used the "f" word. they know she has dementia but still people do not really understand it

Oh imb i see they are friends of yours sorry thats different if it was my friends then i would have no problem taking her but we dont know these new neighbours. At least your friends will know her.

I agree with Carol's advice. My Mom has advanced Alzheimer's. She is not able to socially interact with anyone, but she enjoys being out of the house and looking around. I wish I could take her out more, but it is too physically hard for me alone. Yes, go ahead and take her out if you can! Humans are not meant to be cooped up in the house all the time.

Please take her I bet she will love it Dont hesitate and take some photos of her there You will cherish them one day x

It sounds like any social event is good for her, but is there another person at home with her whom she could stay with, or would agree to come to the party to watch her, and drive her home? You could stay longer with your friends.

I took my mom to her brother's 80th birthday party and her dementia was in a 5 level. SHe had a ball and even though she could not remember their names she knew who people were. She loved eating and seeing everyone and how everyone hugged and kissed her. She was cleaning up the dessert tables just like she did when she was younger and not with dementia. Please take your mom and you will be able to tell if it's too much. Good luck and God bless. I'm sure she will really enjoy it!

I understand trying to maintain your social life while caring for your mother with memory problems. First she is visiting so she is in an unfamiliar setting which generally is difficult, then you are adding people who even with just old age, she isn't going to have a thing in common with.
Don't be surprised if your "friends" reject her. Most people are uncomfortable around the elderly and they don't care for their own parents so they will not be much interested in speaking with your mother.
If the gathering is important to you, I would see if you can pay a home health aide to be with her while you and your husband socialize. If you have a friend in the group who your mother relates to perhaps you can trade off time at the gathering and he/she could stay in your home with your mom.

Remember most middle aged friends will not welcome a person with a disability who is old. Life, their life, is all about them. If they volunteer for a charity it has to be something they are comfortable doing. Elder care is seldom that type of activity.

I had 1 maybe 2 friends who accepted my elderly parent and me at a social gathering. I had lots more "friends" before becoming the sole caregiver for my dad--I would make the same choice again but it is an eye opening experience. If you ever become the sole or primary caregiver, watch your friends drop off, they will call on the phone but that's about it.

Good luck.

I had a cousins day a couple weeks ago, (out of town visitors). My mom still knows who they are and told her stories over and over but everyone loves her and understands. Two hours later she had forgotten some of the most precious moments. Fortunately, she believed my stories and just expressed her shock and disappointment that she had forgotton so quickly. She did remember that she came to my house to see them all.

csarah40, you are not alone. I'm thinking positive thoughts sent your way.

Definitely take her, if she can handle more than one person talking at a time, and loud noises. My father hated crowds, even small ones, and loud people. We always went out to eat on off hours so he stayed calmer.

If she enjoys being with you she will probably enjoy the party. My Mother did she just got tired but usually lasted until I was ready to leave. Enjoy your time with her.

People with Demenia tire quickly. I think because they have to work so hard to communicate. I would take her, but be aware you may have to leave a little early. Enjoy!

By taking may seem like it is OK, this may cause her to get overtired though. I have found with my mom too much stimulation can create issues. I agree with
the one who said it was nice of the neighbores to ask. Sometimes they may ask, yet be doing so just to be nice, hoping not to upset you. If you get little time to socialize I would say, do not take her, and enjoy yourself, you may be so busy wathing her,listening and frustrated you may not enjoy yourself at all. The time will pass soon that she will not even remember, but, you will. I have gone through this too many times, and by the time I get home I am upset, and as well others could see my frustration, leaving them with not such a great time either.
Good Luck, there are so many issues to deal with.

How did it go LWB?

Gladimhere, I will let you know. It is tomorrow night!

Oh, I thought is was a 4th of July deal. Thanks, LWB