Should we take Mom with Alzheimer's/dementia with us to a party with our friends?

I guess I am lucky that several of my friends have been down this road and/or still on it. My parents get invited to alot of things with us.. Mom is still sharp and enjoys getting out. Dad with ALZ just likes people. we gals from work have a christmas candy making day... and my mom is comming this year. Dad can hang out with the hostesses 74 year old hubs and his brother with ALZ. They will watch Bonnaza or Walker TX ranger,, and mom will dip chocolat with the rest of us gals! I am thinking this is good for Mom.. and dad too!

I am so glad I took my mom to the party, and we have that memory of it going so well. She did pass away last month. Still smiling and loving up until the very end until Jesus came and took her home!

Daisymae, what an interesting question - I've lost count of the number of times I've mentioned to people that I really wouldn't mind a crash course in things like safe handling, back care and the like. No luck so far! But if I ever find out how you get hold of this kind of training (which after all is pretty basic and shouldn't take too long or cost too much) I will pass it on.

I agree with Glad that you do tend to pick things up as you go along, and if your mother is used to your assistance that helps too. But wouldn't it be nice to get ahead of the curve?! :)

Daisy, Certified Nurse Assistant training will teach many skills. But, as a family member you have training, years of it and KNOW your family member. There isn't a agency caregiver that can provide the care family members do. Even as the disease progresses health care workers can train family members to do all sorts of medical procedures.

How hard/easy is it to learn "personal care skills"-bathing, dressing, mobility, toileting, etc. My mother's not there yet, except for some help getting up or down from a chair, or in and out of a car. Can a family member be trained to do what a "home health services" worker does?

That's lovely, lwb - and even if she doesn't remember the party by next week, it will still have been something that gave everyone, including her at the time, great pleasure. So nice to hear good things!

Wonderful news! This shows that every situation is different. We have to weigh the pros and cons and make the decision based on that day. We won't always have great results, but sometimes it's worth taking a little risk. I'm thrilled for you and for your mom.
Carol

I am happy to hear all went well!

Well, everything went very well! She was very sweet, pleasant and appropriate. All of our friends were very receiving of her and she thoroughly enjoyed just listening to all the conversations. We stayed 3 hours and she came home, took a bath and went to bed. Pooped but happy. Thank you everyone for your feedback. It really helped us!

Lizann, I agree with you . I had a lot of support in the beginning, yet, they did drop off. I get it, I even tried early on dating, did not go well. I do feel that some people will ask, in hopes that one will not bring the one who is ill. I found that while I took her to many events prior, now that I really need some time off I am never invited anymore. Let's face it, when people get together the hope is to have fun, talk to that person who is always busy, and just enjoy. Now, I have very little if any of that. I realized NOT, talking about my issues with her was very important, in that, others have their own lives, and issues. We, meaning most people, have such busy lives so enjoy when we can. I hope all goes well for LWB. I hope she let's us know, for , there is no wrong decision, just the one you make. Best to all!!

LWB, I hope all goes well what ever your decision. Some do OK, some do not, as the one with her, even for the visit, you will get some insight.

Be Well

Oh, I thought is was a 4th of July deal. Thanks, LWB

Gladimhere, I will let you know. It is tomorrow night!

How did it go LWB?

By taking may seem like it is OK, this may cause her to get overtired though. I have found with my mom too much stimulation can create issues. I agree with
the one who said it was nice of the neighbores to ask. Sometimes they may ask, yet be doing so just to be nice, hoping not to upset you. If you get little time to socialize I would say, do not take her, and enjoy yourself, you may be so busy wathing her,listening and frustrated you may not enjoy yourself at all. The time will pass soon that she will not even remember, but, you will. I have gone through this too many times, and by the time I get home I am upset, and as well others could see my frustration, leaving them with not such a great time either.
Good Luck, there are so many issues to deal with.

People with Demenia tire quickly. I think because they have to work so hard to communicate. I would take her, but be aware you may have to leave a little early. Enjoy!

If she enjoys being with you she will probably enjoy the party. My Mother did she just got tired but usually lasted until I was ready to leave. Enjoy your time with her.

Definitely take her, if she can handle more than one person talking at a time, and loud noises. My father hated crowds, even small ones, and loud people. We always went out to eat on off hours so he stayed calmer.

csarah40, you are not alone. I'm thinking positive thoughts sent your way.

I had a cousins day a couple weeks ago, (out of town visitors). My mom still knows who they are and told her stories over and over but everyone loves her and understands. Two hours later she had forgotten some of the most precious moments. Fortunately, she believed my stories and just expressed her shock and disappointment that she had forgotton so quickly. She did remember that she came to my house to see them all.

I understand trying to maintain your social life while caring for your mother with memory problems. First she is visiting so she is in an unfamiliar setting which generally is difficult, then you are adding people who even with just old age, she isn't going to have a thing in common with.
Don't be surprised if your "friends" reject her. Most people are uncomfortable around the elderly and they don't care for their own parents so they will not be much interested in speaking with your mother.
If the gathering is important to you, I would see if you can pay a home health aide to be with her while you and your husband socialize. If you have a friend in the group who your mother relates to perhaps you can trade off time at the gathering and he/she could stay in your home with your mom.

Remember most middle aged friends will not welcome a person with a disability who is old. Life, their life, is all about them. If they volunteer for a charity it has to be something they are comfortable doing. Elder care is seldom that type of activity.

I had 1 maybe 2 friends who accepted my elderly parent and me at a social gathering. I had lots more "friends" before becoming the sole caregiver for my dad--I would make the same choice again but it is an eye opening experience. If you ever become the sole or primary caregiver, watch your friends drop off, they will call on the phone but that's about it.

Good luck.

I took my mom to her brother's 80th birthday party and her dementia was in a 5 level. SHe had a ball and even though she could not remember their names she knew who people were. She loved eating and seeing everyone and how everyone hugged and kissed her. She was cleaning up the dessert tables just like she did when she was younger and not with dementia. Please take your mom and you will be able to tell if it's too much. Good luck and God bless. I'm sure she will really enjoy it!

It sounds like any social event is good for her, but is there another person at home with her whom she could stay with, or would agree to come to the party to watch her, and drive her home? You could stay longer with your friends.

Please take her I bet she will love it Dont hesitate and take some photos of her there You will cherish them one day x

I agree with Carol's advice. My Mom has advanced Alzheimer's. She is not able to socially interact with anyone, but she enjoys being out of the house and looking around. I wish I could take her out more, but it is too physically hard for me alone. Yes, go ahead and take her out if you can! Humans are not meant to be cooped up in the house all the time.

Oh imb i see they are friends of yours sorry thats different if it was my friends then i would have no problem taking her but we dont know these new neighbours. At least your friends will know her.

iwb i am in a the same boat our new neighbours are having a house warming soon and i dont think mum coming is a good idea for me as theyve spent a fortune on doing the house up and mum was shouting that they were showing off. Id just be terrified shed say something really rude? But yes we need to take them out sometimes this will be a first with neighbours but if she says anything then never again. Its sad to even have to ask this but its reality. I would just die if mum used the "f" word. they know she has dementia but still people do not really understand it

That's very nice of your neighbours to be so inclusive, and so welcoming (I definitely agreed with DD that the correct thing was to run the idea past the hosts first). I hope your mother has a whale of a time. Relax and enjoy!

I agree with Carol Bursack's advice. I take mom to small gatherings where people do know her and understand her dementia. If she can sit in some small out of the way place where she can visit with 1 or few people at a time, then she would probably do ok. She will, though, get fidgety, anxious and tired. You might have to be prepared to take her home early.

Sure. Go ahead and take her. Alzheimer's is not contagious.

MY stepson's MIL had Alzheimer's and they used to sit me next to her because she liked me and we'd talk away for hours although on different subjects. But, she enjoyed it. Give her a treat and don't worry about your friends' reactions. They will probably be very kind and generous with her. I assume that your friends are kind people. Life without risk is no life at all, and life with Alzheimer's is even worse if you are hidden away at all times and have no opportunity to interact with others. If necessary, take a small amount of Diazepam before you take her. :)