Need advice and support regarding the situation with my grandma.
I posted the other day about wanting to take my grandma to NYC to fulfill a wish but I just found out that the real situation is way more insane. I spent 2 days figuring out the logistics and call her today to tell her the plan. Then she said that she doesn't want to just visit, she wants to stay here until the job ends. She's currently in Michigan with my mom and brother but we have a house in Indiana. Then she casually dropped that my mom was in the hospital. I asked why and she said my brother couldn't wake her up and that happened before and he had to slap her 2x to wake her up the last time. I changed the subject cuz I figured it was her annual suicide attempt, not to be cold but she's been attempting suicide/ mental illness ever since she's been a teen. My other brother just called me and told me that Wednesday morning (day after brother 1 already called the ambulance) B1 was calling everyone "looking for my mom". B2 finally found her at hospital and check it out, she had a fresh black eye and won't talk about it. No one is sure if she was punched and passed out or punched and took pills cuz she was upset. B1 left before the ambulance came and all the pills are missing, Norco, fentynal (sp), Xanax. My mom told my other brother (b3) gf that she's scared of b1 and she has to give him her pills so he won't be sick. B1 is 31 and the pill addiction has been happening for about 12 years but I guess since he only steals from in the house it's ignored, and my mom relies on pills, too. This was the first time my grandma said she wanted to get out of there. She is usually blind to reality. I'm just not sure what to do because the only options are to bring her here for the time being or to go back home. The biggest problem with #1 is the hospitals and Drs are subpar to the area we permanently reside and if it's a bad winter it may be impossible to get her back (if she changed her mind)before spring. #2 means I can't work and would have to live off my savings. I've always read that you shouldn't lose your job to care for someone because you have to live X amount of years afterwards and you're hurting yourself. There is no way to get Medicaid and I don't think I can afford a live in even if I paid 75% of my take home pay. I'm just confused because I know she's in some Whatever happened to baby Jane house and it's not healthy and the fact that she had enough means it's really crazy but I don't want to screw myself, either. If you're wondering why I'm so concerned about a grandma, she raised me, she's my mom, lol, I actually thought my mom was my sister until I was 4. She has 3 other kids but one is poor, one loves my grandma but detached from the insanity and one is a bitter Betty so there's really no help from them. I used to work full time and take care of her basic needs and the house but now it's more intensive bc of the immobility and bathroom issues. I could probably get a little work from home gig but that's about it. It's so hard to know what to do because I love her so much but I also love the myself and don't want to be destitute.
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I'm 43, have English and History degrees and previously (and in the future) worked for a publisher. The lady I care for now is under hospice but she's been in it for a year next month so it's hard to say if the job is another month or a year. I don't want to lose the job by quitting and not be able to get unemployment.
I thought it was worth suggesting anyway, in spite of the more recent developments, because maybe one interim option is going ahead with her NY trip sooner than planned - purely so that you can see her face to face and get a better handle on what, exactly, is going down at home.
Whatever you decide to do from there, do not jeopardise your own wellbeing. a) You don't want to be sucked back in to the dysfunction *while broke* and therefore powerless; and b) think about it - if you were a standard family man would it even cross your mind to give up work? Before anyone says it: I KNOW there are shining examples of self-sacrificing males, but the social norm is that they win bread first and foremost; and I don't even think that's a bad rule of thumb, either.
I swear, I just keep to myself and the craziness still comes to me! I'm going to try to chill today and see how it shakes out. The dysfunction usually circles back to normal in 36 hours.
What needs to happen is that Grandma needs to cooperate with aocial services so that they can assist in finding a placement for her. It sounds as thoufht she needs a nice nh where she can private pay until she's eligible for Medicaid.
Now, if she could be gotten to LI, establish NY residency and private pay here, that could also be a plan. But SHE'S to have to make the decisionto detatch from the Baby Jane crazies.
You are well educated and could obtain a teaching job so why are you currently doing low paid work? Is there something about your own health that you are not sharing? Don't tell me you can't work without your Masters because I know that is not true. Most school districts will hire you as long as you go to school and obtain it within a certain time. My youngest daughter earned hers in 10 months going to classes in the evenings and working a full time job. I know that is the case in NYS but you would have to check other states for their requirements.
I realize your Gma raised you and you love her dearly BUT she is competent to make her own decisions because she chooses to make some that do not meet her best needs does not make it your responsibility to take that on. No one wants to enter a facility but there are time when we all have to do things that we don't want to do in this life. If Gma needs full time care she is the one who needs to pay for it not you, if she can't pay then she needs to apply for the help that is out there. Don't say she can't get medicaid and have a nursing home paid for because again this is not true, she just has to spend down her assets before it will be granted which is only fair because Medicaid comes out of yours and my taxes. It would be to her advantage if she could private pay for a nursing home for about six months because most nursing home will accept a patient under those conditions. That way she will have her choice of the best nursing homes that accept medicaid and at least in NYS she can't be moved to somewhere less desirable when she changes over to Medicaid.
You love your Gma and feel obligated to her because she raised you but you do not have to sacrifice your life for her.
By all means allow her to come to NYC and realize her life long dream but she does not stay longer than a few days and back home she goes.
What happens if your patient dies tomorrow?
You are a live in caregiver can Gma stay with you someone else house.
There are plenty of jobs for caregivers so you have no worry about getting another in the same field, just call an agency and you will be moved in within a few days
Hannah hard decisions to be made but you are young and presumably healthy so go to it. You can do it.
So Hannah, are you thinking in terms of moving back to Indiana with your grandmother, and leaving your mother and the rest of the family where they are? Is the house vacant, and ship-shape? Crumbs - it's going to be quite a project.
Even if a nh was an option (it's not though) she can't pass the look back, she supports my druggie brother, just bought him a 25k car 2 years ago and gives my mom a lot of money regularly.
I wish I could offer suggestions about your grandma. So much depends on her finances. It sounds like your grandma is used to this situation. Once someone gets used to being in that position, it is so hard to be convince them that things can be better. Would your grandma be able to live in assisted living for the short term till you figure out what your next step is? My grandpa is in SE Michigan. The most reasonable AL facility we found in our town was America's House. It was still about $2200/mo for a studio but included meals & housekeeping. They offered a la carte AL services and if your grandma was getting help from Area Agency on Aging, those home health aides could continue to help her there.
Is your grandma getting any outside help like visiting aides? Also I'm sorry about your mom.
It's none of my business, but I don't think you should quit your job at this point either. Then both you and grandma would be at a disadvantage. Best of luck with this.