Need advice and support regarding the situation with my grandma.
I posted the other day about wanting to take my grandma to NYC to fulfill a wish but I just found out that the real situation is way more insane. I spent 2 days figuring out the logistics and call her today to tell her the plan. Then she said that she doesn't want to just visit, she wants to stay here until the job ends. She's currently in Michigan with my mom and brother but we have a house in Indiana. Then she casually dropped that my mom was in the hospital. I asked why and she said my brother couldn't wake her up and that happened before and he had to slap her 2x to wake her up the last time. I changed the subject cuz I figured it was her annual suicide attempt, not to be cold but she's been attempting suicide/ mental illness ever since she's been a teen. My other brother just called me and told me that Wednesday morning (day after brother 1 already called the ambulance) B1 was calling everyone "looking for my mom". B2 finally found her at hospital and check it out, she had a fresh black eye and won't talk about it. No one is sure if she was punched and passed out or punched and took pills cuz she was upset. B1 left before the ambulance came and all the pills are missing, Norco, fentynal (sp), Xanax. My mom told my other brother (b3) gf that she's scared of b1 and she has to give him her pills so he won't be sick. B1 is 31 and the pill addiction has been happening for about 12 years but I guess since he only steals from in the house it's ignored, and my mom relies on pills, too. This was the first time my grandma said she wanted to get out of there. She is usually blind to reality. I'm just not sure what to do because the only options are to bring her here for the time being or to go back home. The biggest problem with #1 is the hospitals and Drs are subpar to the area we permanently reside and if it's a bad winter it may be impossible to get her back (if she changed her mind)before spring. #2 means I can't work and would have to live off my savings. I've always read that you shouldn't lose your job to care for someone because you have to live X amount of years afterwards and you're hurting yourself. There is no way to get Medicaid and I don't think I can afford a live in even if I paid 75% of my take home pay. I'm just confused because I know she's in some Whatever happened to baby Jane house and it's not healthy and the fact that she had enough means it's really crazy but I don't want to screw myself, either. If you're wondering why I'm so concerned about a grandma, she raised me, she's my mom, lol, I actually thought my mom was my sister until I was 4. She has 3 other kids but one is poor, one loves my grandma but detached from the insanity and one is a bitter Betty so there's really no help from them. I used to work full time and take care of her basic needs and the house but now it's more intensive bc of the immobility and bathroom issues. I could probably get a little work from home gig but that's about it. It's so hard to know what to do because I love her so much but I also love the myself and don't want to be destitute.
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I thought it was worth suggesting anyway, in spite of the more recent developments, because maybe one interim option is going ahead with her NY trip sooner than planned - purely so that you can see her face to face and get a better handle on what, exactly, is going down at home.
Whatever you decide to do from there, do not jeopardise your own wellbeing. a) You don't want to be sucked back in to the dysfunction *while broke* and therefore powerless; and b) think about it - if you were a standard family man would it even cross your mind to give up work? Before anyone says it: I KNOW there are shining examples of self-sacrificing males, but the social norm is that they win bread first and foremost; and I don't even think that's a bad rule of thumb, either.
I wish I could offer suggestions about your grandma. So much depends on her finances. It sounds like your grandma is used to this situation. Once someone gets used to being in that position, it is so hard to be convince them that things can be better. Would your grandma be able to live in assisted living for the short term till you figure out what your next step is? My grandpa is in SE Michigan. The most reasonable AL facility we found in our town was America's House. It was still about $2200/mo for a studio but included meals & housekeeping. They offered a la carte AL services and if your grandma was getting help from Area Agency on Aging, those home health aides could continue to help her there.
Is your grandma getting any outside help like visiting aides? Also I'm sorry about your mom.
It's none of my business, but I don't think you should quit your job at this point either. Then both you and grandma would be at a disadvantage. Best of luck with this.
I swear, I just keep to myself and the craziness still comes to me! I'm going to try to chill today and see how it shakes out. The dysfunction usually circles back to normal in 36 hours.
So Hannah, are you thinking in terms of moving back to Indiana with your grandmother, and leaving your mother and the rest of the family where they are? Is the house vacant, and ship-shape? Crumbs - it's going to be quite a project.
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