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I posted the other day about wanting to take my grandma to NYC to fulfill a wish but I just found out that the real situation is way more insane. I spent 2 days figuring out the logistics and call her today to tell her the plan. Then she said that she doesn't want to just visit, she wants to stay here until the job ends. She's currently in Michigan with my mom and brother but we have a house in Indiana. Then she casually dropped that my mom was in the hospital. I asked why and she said my brother couldn't wake her up and that happened before and he had to slap her 2x to wake her up the last time. I changed the subject cuz I figured it was her annual suicide attempt, not to be cold but she's been attempting suicide/ mental illness ever since she's been a teen. My other brother just called me and told me that Wednesday morning (day after brother 1 already called the ambulance) B1 was calling everyone "looking for my mom". B2 finally found her at hospital and check it out, she had a fresh black eye and won't talk about it. No one is sure if she was punched and passed out or punched and took pills cuz she was upset. B1 left before the ambulance came and all the pills are missing, Norco, fentynal (sp), Xanax. My mom told my other brother (b3) gf that she's scared of b1 and she has to give him her pills so he won't be sick. B1 is 31 and the pill addiction has been happening for about 12 years but I guess since he only steals from in the house it's ignored, and my mom relies on pills, too. This was the first time my grandma said she wanted to get out of there. She is usually blind to reality. I'm just not sure what to do because the only options are to bring her here for the time being or to go back home. The biggest problem with #1 is the hospitals and Drs are subpar to the area we permanently reside and if it's a bad winter it may be impossible to get her back (if she changed her mind)before spring. #2 means I can't work and would have to live off my savings. I've always read that you shouldn't lose your job to care for someone because you have to live X amount of years afterwards and you're hurting yourself. There is no way to get Medicaid and I don't think I can afford a live in even if I paid 75% of my take home pay. I'm just confused because I know she's in some Whatever happened to baby Jane house and it's not healthy and the fact that she had enough means it's really crazy but I don't want to screw myself, either. If you're wondering why I'm so concerned about a grandma, she raised me, she's my mom, lol, I actually thought my mom was my sister until I was 4. She has 3 other kids but one is poor, one loves my grandma but detached from the insanity and one is a bitter Betty so there's really no help from them. I used to work full time and take care of her basic needs and the house but now it's more intensive bc of the immobility and bathroom issues. I could probably get a little work from home gig but that's about it. It's so hard to know what to do because I love her so much but I also love the myself and don't want to be destitute.

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Good luck Hannah! It sounds like your grandma will be so much better off with you! Keep us posted:)
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I don't think so, they looked into it and the oop was too much and she's not willing to sell the house bc of some reasons I can't divulge and like I said, she can't pass the Medicaid look back and the penalty time is likely more than she has to go. Part of me thinks that the reason she is going downhill is that she's surrounded by people who have major issues and no positivity. When I lived with her, we had joy in the house. I am just going to bring her here for the time being and make a final decision before the weather turns. Thank you! Xo
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Hannah, you are doing important work and good that you are getting paid somewhat reasonably! You asked a legitimate question -- how to help your vulnerable grandma. You do not need to justify your profession to anyone.

I wish I could offer suggestions about your grandma. So much depends on her finances. It sounds like your grandma is used to this situation. Once someone gets used to being in that position, it is so hard to be convince them that things can be better. Would your grandma be able to live in assisted living for the short term till you figure out what your next step is? My grandpa is in SE Michigan. The most reasonable AL facility we found in our town was America's House. It was still about $2200/mo for a studio but included meals & housekeeping. They offered a la carte AL services and if your grandma was getting help from Area Agency on Aging, those home health aides could continue to help her there.

Is your grandma getting any outside help like visiting aides? Also I'm sorry about your mom.

It's none of my business, but I don't think you should quit your job at this point either. Then both you and grandma would be at a disadvantage. Best of luck with this.
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Wth is that supposed to mean? It works out to $8.50/hr since I'm 24/7 but only get paid for 13 hours. I'm only allowed 3 hours of outside time so I'm still stuck here 21 hours a day. It's a great salary but I have to give up a lot so you can step back with the rudeness. My dad doesn't know anyone and as I explained, the state is hardly generous, they are saving 30k+ by only paying one person.
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Hmm did not realize NYS was so generous and adaptable. Your Dad must have friends in high places
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The house is fine, we have services for maintenance, the neighbor checks inside regularly, flushes toilets, goes downstairs to make sure no water, etc. plus my other brother goes there to get it ready for the seasons, clean gutters, etc. the house is only 90 minutes from the Michigan house. My mom and brother would stay in their days of wine and roses situation. They aren't going with us!
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No, cm, I'm paid by the state through cdpap but I'm the only caregiver and I'm cheaper than having to pay 5 girls bc even though I'm 24/7 live in, I only get paid 13 hours a day. If I was capped at 40 hrs a week and they had to pay 4 people at 40 hours and 1 at 8 hours, it would cost the state another 30k more so they are saving money by only using me.
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Yes, I do because I get 51 hours a week OT. I get paid for 91 hours a week. 53 weeks this year.
Even if a nh was an option (it's not though) she can't pass the look back, she supports my druggie brother, just bought him a 25k car 2 years ago and gives my mom a lot of money regularly.
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No, private pay. Hannah has one private client, as far as I remember.

So Hannah, are you thinking in terms of moving back to Indiana with your grandmother, and leaving your mother and the rest of the family where they are? Is the house vacant, and ship-shape? Crumbs - it's going to be quite a project.
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You make $75K paid for by a NYS program?! "I make 75k a year, more than a teacher. I'm not a caregiver by trade, it's just the one case. The lady I care for is totally incapacitated like a baby and honestly only requires about 3 hours tops of hands on care daily. The rest of the job is laundry, light cleaning, etc. it's not really a hard job."
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She's not going to a nursing home! End of that option. Never ever ever
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I'm not low paid, I make 75k a year, more than a teacher. I'm not a caregiver by trade, it's just the one case. The lady I care for is totally incapacitated like a baby and honestly only requires about 3 hours tops of hands on care daily. The rest of the job is laundry, light cleaning, etc. it's not really a hard job. My grandma just needs help with the bathroom and shopping. I can do it. If the lady died tomorrow, my dad is POA/beneficiary and I can still stay here 3-6 months until the house is sold or I could go home. If you read above, I said I worked and will work again in publishing. Teaching is not enough money for the hassle. I made 55k in publishing.
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Hannah how can you care for Gma if you have a full time job caring for someone else? This would be the case if Gma spends time with you in NYC. She is already old with significant health problems even if she is mentally competent, inevitably she will get worse.
You are well educated and could obtain a teaching job so why are you currently doing low paid work? Is there something about your own health that you are not sharing? Don't tell me you can't work without your Masters because I know that is not true. Most school districts will hire you as long as you go to school and obtain it within a certain time. My youngest daughter earned hers in 10 months going to classes in the evenings and working a full time job. I know that is the case in NYS but you would have to check other states for their requirements.
I realize your Gma raised you and you love her dearly BUT she is competent to make her own decisions because she chooses to make some that do not meet her best needs does not make it your responsibility to take that on. No one wants to enter a facility but there are time when we all have to do things that we don't want to do in this life. If Gma needs full time care she is the one who needs to pay for it not you, if she can't pay then she needs to apply for the help that is out there. Don't say she can't get medicaid and have a nursing home paid for because again this is not true, she just has to spend down her assets before it will be granted which is only fair because Medicaid comes out of yours and my taxes. It would be to her advantage if she could private pay for a nursing home for about six months because most nursing home will accept a patient under those conditions. That way she will have her choice of the best nursing homes that accept medicaid and at least in NYS she can't be moved to somewhere less desirable when she changes over to Medicaid.
You love your Gma and feel obligated to her because she raised you but you do not have to sacrifice your life for her.
By all means allow her to come to NYC and realize her life long dream but she does not stay longer than a few days and back home she goes.
What happens if your patient dies tomorrow?
You are a live in caregiver can Gma stay with you someone else house.
There are plenty of jobs for caregivers so you have no worry about getting another in the same field, just call an agency and you will be moved in within a few days
Hannah hard decisions to be made but you are young and presumably healthy so go to it. You can do it.
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Baba, I would take care of her. I was only thinking about hiring someone if I was here and she went home but I don't think I can afford someone decent.
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She will never tell them the truth, so that's a moot point. She just really wants to go back home but doesn't want me to lose my job. That's why I'm guessing she said she wants to stay here. She won't go to a NH, either. So it's either stay with the crazies, come here or I go there. Like church mouse said, I'll just bring her here soon and play it by ear. I don't mind going home if it comes to that, I'm just here for the income. But it has been peaceful not being near the crazy. Lol
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So, Grana needs full time care ( you'd need to hire a live-in to have adequate care for her) because she's immobile and incontinent. But she's also mentally competent, so she gets to make her own decisions. Do i have this right?

What needs to happen is that Grandma needs to cooperate with aocial services so that they can assist in finding a placement for her. It sounds as thoufht she needs a nice nh where she can private pay until she's eligible for Medicaid.

Now, if she could be gotten to LI, establish NY residency and private pay here, that could also be a plan. But SHE'S to have to make the decisionto detatch from the Baby Jane crazies.
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I was thinking about the same thing, church mouse. I'm trying to make plans with my other brother to meet me 1/2 way next weekend. I figure that way I can get a better idea of what's going on and I still have 8-10 weeks to work before I have to worry about winter weather and being stuck. I'm just really worried about her safety. I don't think he would hurt her bc he loves her but I can't trust him, especially when a bag full of narcotics is missing and if she saw him punch our mom he might start freaking that she will tell the police.
I swear, I just keep to myself and the craziness still comes to me! I'm going to try to chill today and see how it shakes out. The dysfunction usually circles back to normal in 36 hours.
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Hannah, I just looked at your Statue of Liberty thread: Google maps has a feature for getting directions from Point A to Point B, via any stopoffs you want to add; which should in turn give you enough information about transport providers for you to be able to contact them and ask about wheelchair access. It'll be convoluted but doable.

I thought it was worth suggesting anyway, in spite of the more recent developments, because maybe one interim option is going ahead with her NY trip sooner than planned - purely so that you can see her face to face and get a better handle on what, exactly, is going down at home.

Whatever you decide to do from there, do not jeopardise your own wellbeing. a) You don't want to be sucked back in to the dysfunction *while broke* and therefore powerless; and b) think about it - if you were a standard family man would it even cross your mind to give up work? Before anyone says it: I KNOW there are shining examples of self-sacrificing males, but the social norm is that they win bread first and foremost; and I don't even think that's a bad rule of thumb, either.
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We already called them a few months ago but my grandma is competent and says everything is ok so they can't do anything. The social worker knows it's not a good place but she's very sharp and can be where she wants. I think they are going to come anyway because my mom is technically a vulnerable person and it's obvious that she was hit, but she won't admit that my brother did it and my grandma isn't going to get him in trouble, either so unfortunately, social services won't be able to help. The social worker was confident that my brother would get caught with pills on him eventually but I don't think so because he's getting them in the house, he doesn't have to go out looking for them. It's just a sad situation and I know my grandma feels like a burden but I can't even begin to explain how much she has given up to get my mom and others out of messes. It's not like she was a bad person who is coming to them in old age and demanding help. Technically, it's their bs that caused her to not have anything left in savings and stocks. They still take her money but it's not abuse bc she tells the social worker it's ok so..... I hate to bring her here long term bc I know that she wants to go home and sleep in her own bed.
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Hannah, you need to call social services in grandma's area and let them take over.
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I'm a live in caregiver in NY. Iirc, we "talked" on my first thread about my dad overworking me since he's my boss. I got that worked out, lol.
I'm 43, have English and History degrees and previously (and in the future) worked for a publisher. The lady I care for now is under hospice but she's been in it for a year next month so it's hard to say if the job is another month or a year. I don't want to lose the job by quitting and not be able to get unemployment.
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Hannah - may I ask how old you are and what you do for a living? Also, since no mention of a significant other, I'm assuming you're single, yes?
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