I posted back in February and then in April about my 78-year-old MIL moving with us out of state. My last posts have more detail that would be impossible to reiterate here, but bottom line is she was supposed to come stay with us as an independent roommate, but the week she got here she admitted that she lied about her income and needed us to essentially take care of her financially. After several months of paying all her bills, I nipped this in the bud — I began enforcing the original agreement that she was to pay $500 towards rent, and after months of paying her car insurance, medications, groceries, phone bill, etc I began flat out refusing. I told her she needed to get a job or figure something else out but that we would no longer be paying her way. She resisted very dramatically, acting as if we were forcing her to go without her medications and food, and allowing her car insurance to lapse so she could lament that WE “let it go unpaid,” and telling a neighbor that we refused to pay to fix her flat tire so that the neighbors chipped in and bought her a tire (😳), but I firmly kept telling her that she is a grown up and must pay her own way because we are still a young family and our responsibility is to our young child, not her.
Finally, after many weeks of my taking this tact, she got a small part time job in retail up the street. She now has her own money but still refuses to buy her own groceries and if I refuse to include her in all our meals (which was getting very expensive), she’ll act like we are abusing her and start saying that the doctor is concerned she’s losing weight or may be diabetic. It's all manipulation, and it's caused a lot of grief in my otherwise-perfect marriage because I finally began refusing to reward this behavior (my husband still allows himself to be manipulated by her and guilt-tripped —he always has).
After several really crazy incidents (her speaking badly about me daily to my 9 year old daughter, treating our daughter badly when shes angry at me, pretending to “break down” on the highway and making my husband leave a business meeting to go retrieve her to make him feel guilty for telling her we would no longer be driving her everywhere and running all her errands since she insists on keeping her $500/month car payment, and $200/month insurance, catching her in repeated lies), we told her this is not working and she needs to find her own place ASAP. However, she has refused to do so, and it has become clear to us that if we want her out, WE must find the place and WE must pay the security deposit and WE must move her. She no longer speaks to me, making my home so tense I can hardly bear it.
Anyway, here’s my question: when she first moved in, I took her to several doctors appointments to have her tested for dementia. The doctor says she does not show any dementia, just normal aging. However, her behavior is so bizarre we feel he has to be wrong. Aside from the constant lying and refusal to do anything for herself and all the daily manipulation, (I know this sounds really crazy) we think she has been cutting our clothes. When we told her we expect her to help out around the house, we began finding bleach stains and clear scissor cuts in our clothes. Last week, I left my phone on the counter and when I came back in the house, it was gone. We searched for hours, and after I mentioned I was going to try to GPS locate it in the house, it suddenly appeared in a place I already checked a several times. I found out yesterday she had “accidentally” told her doctor’s office to put all her copays on MY HSA card, draining my health account of over $300. What is my next move? Should I have her re-evaluated? Maybe she needs assisted care?
If she hosted your family for dinner did she charge you per person for the meal? Probably not.
If you try to pit her son against her it will backfire on you.
You have to try to get husb to help get her into an aging apartment close by. Your gonna have to be supportive of him to try do do this. You have to walk that delicate line until shes gone. You have to say she will have more friends/ active soc life there than sitting at home doing nothing.
You have to be very careful or you will be in the crappy apt with daughter while she enjoys her son all to herself.
Next, how could her doctor even have access to your HSA card? There's something missing in the part of the story. If she took your card, that's a problem. Call the doctor and tell them you expect every cent to be refunded to your card and she can pay the bill the next time she goes in.
She doesn't need an evaluation. She seems to be pretty clear in her thinking. It's time to sit down with her bank account papers, check book, etc to find out exactly how much income she has coming in. Then set the monthly amount she will pay in rent. Take your bills, excluding mortgage because only you will ever benefit from that, and tally up what is used for utilities, groceries, cable (if she's a tv watcher) and divide it up between the total number of people in your house. That will give you a roundabout figure to work with and include meals. Can she even afford that amount? If not, you're going to have to be more realistic in what she can pay.
If she can afford to live in an apartment, you may be shooting yourself in the foot when you draw a line in the sand about refusing to pay the deposit for her to move. A deposit and a move job would be much cheaper in the long run than what you're arguing about right now. But, even before you find the apartment, she has to sit down and lay out all her cards so you will know how much rent she can afford. $700 being spent for car/insurance would buy quite a few uber rides each month if she really doesn't like to drive anymore.
She has already manipulated your husband/you to letting her move in. Got neighbors to buy her a new tire. If she talks bad about you to yor daughter, what is she saying to friends, coworkers, neighbors, husband? She said something so they would buy her the tire. Be very careful around her.
If you have a fight at home, she could run over to neighbors and cry. Police get called. You look horrible in their eyes if she says you wont feed her, and want to put her out on the street. This could play out badly. Elder abuse. Even tho it wasnt that way.
If she is that manipulative its a personality disorder, not dementia. That wont change now.
Work on your husb, but try to make it a united front. If you get mad in the heat of the moment and say its her or me! It wont work. He'll have to pick his mom. She gave birth to him and she's elderly. He cant abandon his mom. He just cant, even if he's sick of her antics. He knows he will look like the worst person on the planet. It wont look so bad if wife leaves. See the difference? How it will look to the world? The wife will be made out to be the nasty one, not the poor frail elderly mom dependant on her son. She will guilt him. So dont make him choose. Just keep reminding him of all the stress, and how she will have more friends/soc life, happier, in an elderly apt around people her age. She will be close by, but wont depend on him for everything. She will have things to do. Relieves the tension, everyone will be happy. Go that route. You will have better luck w husband that way.
None of us know all the facts. We don't know if your MIL has a mental health problem or what type of life she has had in the past.
I would definitely go to the doctor and explain how all the family are suffering especially your daughter. Maybe a break away would be good thing for you and daughter. To see how your husband copes without you and has to look after his mum.
All this has to be damaging your health,marriage and could do alot of harm to you daughter.
Good luck x
Hope the story had a better outcome though (than OP fleeing own home in bleached & scisored clothes...?)
For those posting that she should get reevaluated and taken here and there...please. This women isn't going to cooperate. Send her to another friend or relative's house for a 30-day "vacation". While she's gone make sure her mail goes to a PO Box and get your address off anything that is her bill. Put her crap in storage. Change the locks. Then you legally don't have to let her back in.
Don't involve the police unless they are trained to handle mental health problems.
Section 8 housing is a good start and some counties offer assistance for handicapped people including the mentally ill.
They give them housing and other types of support. If your area does not offer this, then help her move to one that does.
Have you ever had something totally ridiculous happen that you thought no one would believe? I have.
I was getting ready for work, all dressed, makeup on, hair done, ready to walk out of the door... Oh, just a quick spritz of hair spray, I thought.
OMG! I had Dow, bathroom cleaner, the scrubbing bubbles, foam cleaner, right next to my hair spray. Yep! All of a sudden I was looking at a head full of white foam all over my head! I had to jump back in the shower, do hair and makeup again, get dressed for work again!
Of course, I was late for work and my boss was waiting for me! I panicked after seeing the foam and didn’t even call and say I was going to be late, just jumped in shower to wash the foam out!
Of course, he asked why I was late. I told him the truth. He looked at me without saying a word. Finally when he could speak he said to me, “That has to be the truth because no one could make up a story as crazy as that!” He laughed so hard while shaking his head as he walked away.
It was horribly embarrassing but I ended up laughing about it too.
Honestly, sounds like typical narcissistic personality disorder.
My Mom is 94 and I know she is NPD as well the current dementia. But long ago, I remember when I visited in between travel jobs when I visited, I remember not being able to find a few things when I was packing to leave. Such as a pair of pants and tops mixed in her closet. No, it was no accident. There were other things as well. She always saw me as an extension of herself and did not want to be separated from me. She has been so manipulative about so many things over the years. That is exactly what your situation sounds like. And the only option is to get her out and stay away.
Read all the postings about NPD.... you will see that is exactly what she is. There may be other issues, diagnoses as well but manipulation and presenting herself as "the queen" and in the right is a key element of narcissism.
For the HSA thing, I would report her and make sure YOU are the only one who can use your HSA and any other thing. Maybe you need to call credit bureaus as well and put a freeze on your accounts.
And how old is she? You mention you and your family are young. Unless she has been declared incompetent, she is an adult with full decision-making power. It is NOT up to you to find housing or apply for assistance or anything like that. THAT is up to HER. You just do the eviction... she will have a 30-day notice to make plans; if she does not, that is on her, NOT you!!!
P.S. Mary Kathleen has a great response below. Your responsibility is to you and your daughter! You will learn a great lesson with all of this..... if your husband does not come around and support you with a united effort, he never will. You should find out early on whether he is 100% supportive of getting her out of your lives. If he isn't, better you should know now and get on with you and your daughter's lives.
Find a rented room somewhere, pay the deposit, make HER sign the paper.
Change the locks on your place.
I don't see how she could add things to your health account without your permission so if this happened take legal advise and sue her and the charging medical facility - this is fraud.
I do think PandabearAUS has a very good point, there are a lot of inconsistencies here (and in some of the responses).