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I posted back in February and then in April about my 78-year-old MIL moving with us out of state. My last posts have more detail that would be impossible to reiterate here, but bottom line is she was supposed to come stay with us as an independent roommate, but the week she got here she admitted that she lied about her income and needed us to essentially take care of her financially. After several months of paying all her bills, I nipped this in the bud — I began enforcing the original agreement that she was to pay $500 towards rent, and after months of paying her car insurance, medications, groceries, phone bill, etc I began flat out refusing. I told her she needed to get a job or figure something else out but that we would no longer be paying her way. She resisted very dramatically, acting as if we were forcing her to go without her medications and food, and allowing her car insurance to lapse so she could lament that WE “let it go unpaid,” and telling a neighbor that we refused to pay to fix her flat tire so that the neighbors chipped in and bought her a tire (😳), but I firmly kept telling her that she is a grown up and must pay her own way because we are still a young family and our responsibility is to our young child, not her.


Finally, after many weeks of my taking this tact, she got a small part time job in retail up the street. She now has her own money but still refuses to buy her own groceries and if I refuse to include her in all our meals (which was getting very expensive), she’ll act like we are abusing her and start saying that the doctor is concerned she’s losing weight or may be diabetic. It's all manipulation, and it's caused a lot of grief in my otherwise-perfect marriage because I finally began refusing to reward this behavior (my husband still allows himself to be manipulated by her and guilt-tripped —he always has).


After several really crazy incidents (her speaking badly about me daily to my 9 year old daughter, treating our daughter badly when shes angry at me, pretending to “break down” on the highway and making my husband leave a business meeting to go retrieve her to make him feel guilty for telling her we would no longer be driving her everywhere and running all her errands since she insists on keeping her $500/month car payment, and $200/month insurance, catching her in repeated lies), we told her this is not working and she needs to find her own place ASAP. However, she has refused to do so, and it has become clear to us that if we want her out, WE must find the place and WE must pay the security deposit and WE must move her. She no longer speaks to me, making my home so tense I can hardly bear it.


Anyway, here’s my question: when she first moved in, I took her to several doctors appointments to have her tested for dementia. The doctor says she does not show any dementia, just normal aging. However, her behavior is so bizarre we feel he has to be wrong. Aside from the constant lying and refusal to do anything for herself and all the daily manipulation, (I know this sounds really crazy) we think she has been cutting our clothes. When we told her we expect her to help out around the house, we began finding bleach stains and clear scissor cuts in our clothes. Last week, I left my phone on the counter and when I came back in the house, it was gone. We searched for hours, and after I mentioned I was going to try to GPS locate it in the house, it suddenly appeared in a place I already checked a several times. I found out yesterday she had “accidentally” told her doctor’s office to put all her copays on MY HSA card, draining my health account of over $300. What is my next move? Should I have her re-evaluated? Maybe she needs assisted care?

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She needs to be kept busy, out of house, a job, Adult Day care. Being at home is probably boring to her with nothing to do.
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Jomichelle Jul 2019
I got her set up at the local senior center and pushed and pushed until she was going there daily and making some friends. The problem is that people everywhere get frustrated with her and some lady told her off at the senior center and she never returned. Now she has the job, so that should help
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Whoa!!! Is there some sort of evaluation that can be arranged pronto? Agency of Aging? (Sorry, I am not US).

Typical dementia, or ALZ will appears as memory problems but there are other types like Frontaltemporal lobe dementia & Lewy Body Disease that present differently. Could be more like a psychiatric problem - dependant personality, even narcisstic? Has she always been manipulative? Needs a professional to eval.

Wow. In a bad way wow. And your poor family needs her to move out asap. How to get a Social Worker on the case. Surely you have rights to evict her if it comes to that?
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Jomichelle Jul 2019
We are renting our house... I think it would be our landlord that would have to evict her and the whole thing would make us look so bad and we don’t want it to affect our rental history somehow.
I have called the Agency on Aging in our county. It took literally a month for someone to get back to me and the lady was very monotone and told us the best she could do is to get her in for a Needs Assessment but that she would have to agree to go. She said that since there’s no diagnosis and that the doctor doesn’t feel she has any issues, she wouldn’t be a priority. It was very much like “You are her family, you need to handle it.” There wasn’t a lot of sympathy... granted, I probably just sound like a bitter in-law.
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You can start eviction proceedings.

Or you can take your daughter and leave. This woman has psychiatric issues that your HUSBAND needs to acknowledge.

He set this up. HE should solve it.
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Jomichelle Jul 2019
I have told him that is a possibility — I’ve even told him I will leave just for the summer and go back to CT to give him time to get her out. He said he will not allow his family to live away from him and that he’ll do whatever it takes to get her out but he cannot just put her on the street. She knows he is good and kind and won’t force her out to the street, so she’s doing everything in her power to make sure we have no other option. I’m so furious that we’ve been put in this situation... my husband is the best husband I could’ve ever hoped for: he’s sweet and hardworking and just wants to give us everything we need or want, and he can never watch even a stranger in need, and she knows this and has chosen to exploit it. I hate the position he is in. It breaks my heart. But her time is up, she’s got to go. I think she may be mentally ill or the doctor is wrong and she does have dementia, and he knows this and cannot toss her on the street bc of it. Plus he works like 10-14 hours a day, and I think he really doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t care about the chaos she’s causing us... everything is about HER, she is a professional victim and she lives for the sympathy of others.
I just got in a huge argument with her bc she “accidentally” locked me out of the house in the rain and pretended she didn’t hear me knocking on the door for 10 minutes (my 9 year old was in her room with headphones on). When I finally climbed in a window, I hollered at her and said “Really? You didn’t hear me knocking?” Ten minutes later my daughter comes upstairs crying and says “Grandma says you want her out and that she only cake here because she wanted to be close to me and you’re treating her like a child and making her go live in her car.” I flew into her room and said I have had enough, that it is beyond sick to do that to a child and it is the one thing that will absolutely make me pack her bags TODAY and put them in the street. She left for work an hour early, no doubt so she can go in there and play her little old lady with the evil daughter in law act at work so someone will give her something or buy her lunch or something.
This is complete bedlam. I cannot allow my child to see this behavior. I cannot allow my household and my family to fall apart because of this woman.
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I first would talk to the Drs office and tell them u did not give permission for Mom to use ur card and that u should have been called for permission. Tell them ur not responsible for Moms bills. Call every doctor she goes to.
Also, tell the Doctor what she has been doing out of spite. This is a mental thing.

I looked back at the previous posts. I suggested you look into Senior HUDD housing. They require 30% of her income for rent. She would be responsible for electric, TV and food. TV you can get a antenna so no cable cost. She can get food stamps. The car has to go. She can't afford it. Sr housing may have transportation for residents.

Why does she only receive $500 a month. Was she married before? How long? If over 10 yrs she is entitled to something of her exs. If a widow, calculations are based on his income too. When did she start collecting? If she has continued to work, she maybe entitled to more money. My GF just did this. Take her to ur local SS office. If its in with Social Services, then talk to them too. Since her SS is not that high, she may qualify for SSI, its like welfare.

Sorry, but it looks like you are going to have to do the work if u want her out. First, find that HUDD senior building. Put her name in now. Call the local Office of Aging and see what info they have.

I would whisper in her ear if she doesn't stop destroying ur clothing and anything else, you are going to have her declared mental and have her placed in a NH on meds. 😊

At 78 she is not going to be able to work forever. You have to do something now. Your new health problem could be aggravated by stress. Stress may have contributed to it.

Stick by ur guns. All u owe her is a roof over her head and food. The rest comes down to if she can't afford it, then she doesn't get it. If she wants a certain food that you don't eat, then she needs to buy it. She needs to give u money for it before u buy it.

I might tell the neighbors that you would have bought Mom the tire but she shouldn't be driving and a flat tire was a good excuse to keep her from driving. Play her game.
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Jomichelle Jul 2019
I was able to get her on two HUD low-income housing lists — she is number 102 on one list and 616 on the other. We’ve been told that best case scenario it is an 18 month waiting list for the first and 3-4 years for the other. We signed up for a senior roommates housing match site and she refused the two matches she got, saying she “wasn’t going to live with no stranger.”
To clarify, she gets a $392 pension and $1,050 from social security, of which $240 is deducted for back taxes to the IRS and another $126 is deducted for Medicare. This leaves her with about $1,000 income. She absolutely refuses to get rid of her car, and the payment is $400-something. Her insurance is another $200. She was supposed to give us $500 rent, but that is obviously counterproductive since we then end up paying for everything else. She now has a little job, which should net her about another $800 a month. She is perfectly capable now of buying her own food, gas, medications, incidentals.
She was briefly married to a terrible man (not my husband’s father — in fact, she ran away from my husband’s real father when she was 8 months pregnant, went back to the loser boyfriend who had been in jail, named my husband after him, and subjected my husband as a child to this man’s abuse and lied and told him his real father didn’t want him... we found the real father when my husband was 32 and learned that was all a lie, but that’s another story). She has mismanaged her finances her whole life, saved nothing, has no assets or savings. And her stance is that it is my husband’s job to take care of her and support her financially in her old age. It’s madness.
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She has been evaluated and she is free of dementia.That doesn 't mean she is clear of mental issues. These mental issues cannot be completely new? I cannot imagine why you have taken her in. You say you are a young family. I am guessing you are 20s, 30s and she is 50s? I am late 70s and completely independent. She is making a nightmare out of your life. IF the answer is to find the place and pay for the deposit, the DO IT. In the longrun it will be CHEAP at that price, and she will be gone. I would see an attorney if that doesn't work. If it is legal to pack up her things and place them in storage, give her the key, and change the locks then that is what I would do. Your life is sounding like a real bad Lifetime movie right now. I sure do wish you luck. No normal Mom would do this to their kids, and at this point I couldn't care less WHAT her reasons are. A diagnosis of Dementia? You are very LUCKY there isn't one, so step away from that. That put you in a real bind. If she cannot afford to fix a tire she sure can't afford the 3,000 and up a month for assisted living, nor would she want to go to it. They have rules.
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TaylorUK Jul 2019
She is 78, this household needs to reassess expectations on both sides, and needs,
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Read about Narcissistic personality Disorder. Not dementia but far uglier.
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Teri4077 Jul 2019
Yes, that was my thought, too. And looking back at her history it sounds like it has been there all along.....
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I'm not sure what the solution will be, but at this point, I recommend that you start documenting! A word document on the computer (as long as she has no access) or even a simple spiral bound notebook will do. Date and time, and description of what occurred, dialogue as best you recall, any others in the room or involved.

No matter what you have to do down the road, having these records will help tremendously.

{{{Hugs}} to you, this is just a sucky situation and you seem to be bearing the brunt of it :(
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Either the Dr is wrong and she needs re-assessing - of course if you are right who is going to pay for her care? But at least you would know. Or this is one of the worst cases of manipulation and narcissism I have heard of hear or anywhere. However she is 78 you seem to have some strange ideas of what a 78 year old should be doing. Her behaviour is unacceptable if she has full cognitive ability but your expectations of her getting a job are (to me) also unacceptable. Where did she live before moving in with you? Who paid costs of that? Lots of questions here.
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Jomichelle Jul 2019
She was living on her own and working full time before coming to stay with us. I’m very sorry she didn’t save for retirement, but we aren’t responsible for her... we have our own young child to raise, student loans to pay, and retirement to save for. If she doesn’t work, how will she live? Both of my grandmothers owned businesses and ran them well into their 80’s. My dear aunt is just two years younger than this woman and is a tenured professor.
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Just read about you being locked out... Has this woman ever threatened you? Or your daughter? Does she have any history of violence? If you are in any way feeling unsafe in your home, is 911 an option?

Where I live, we call 000 for emergencies. If it's a mental health situation, a special crisis assesment team comes out. Off to hospital for eval if required. Not sure what criteria is though... acting dangerously psychotic is a long way from her current manipulative & anti-social behavior.

If there is ANY threat - could you involved the police/911? I realise you may not want the neighbours to witness this...

I think I would visit my local Police Station for advice & a chat. I'd warn I may have to call them as my house 'guest' has very anti-social behaviour & I am concerned for my daughter's safety.
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Everything I think of suggesting you've already tried. Charging to your account was a crime, not to mention the fact you'll have to reimburse the account since she wasn't covered.
I suggest a counselor for you & your husband. A complete outsider with training in the human psyche might be able to suggest ways to not only handle her, but get her out of your lives.
I'm so sorry you're having to live this.
Hang in there, praying for you!
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Lymie61 Jul 2019
Not sure reimbursing the account shouldn't be the doctors responsibility since they charged an account that doesn't belong to the patient without proper consent. If these are doctors that are only caring for MIL I would address it with them first, that not only may take care of the missing funds but it will alert them to some of her issues and perhaps get them more on board with delving deeper into her mental health and well being.
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You don't have to have dementia to be crazy. You don't have to live with crazy. It is time she is removed from your home. So this should now be a legal issue.
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Oh wow.. your state has parental responsibility laws so yeah, I’d be concerned that she knows and might manipulate the situation. Your husband won’t “put her on the streets” so your best bet might be asking for his help in a solution. I think I’d be promoting the benefits of living independently to her daily to encourage her getting her own place. The financial cost to supporting her in that endeavor might be well worth it for your family.

Sorry I don’t have much advice but I really do hope you and your family can find a solution that works for all of you 🙂
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Oh, boy. I’m so sorry. Maybe she needs to be in custody, if she’s vandalizing your personal property. I would think that would technically be against the law. And “accidentally” charging her doctor bills to your account sounds fraudulent, though I don’t really know how health accounts work. Seriously, what will she think of next? Slashing your tires?

I feel like this really should be your husband’s problem, but you may have to do the legwork of finding her a place. In my state waiting lists for decent senior housing are very long. Maybe you can find her a small apartment or even a room for her to rent while she’s waiting.

Your husband may well be good and kind, but he’s also kind of wimping out by allowing his mother to engage in behavior that makes his wife and daughter miserable. He’s a husband and father before he is a son.
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gdaughter Jul 2019
Filing charges would be a way to get her arrested and out...but then she will have to deal with hubby. Is this marriage destined to fail? Hope not...
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Eviction. Avoidance.
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What she needs is psychological help for being a thief. Your husband's lucky he hasn't been fired yet for missing work because of her! She needs to move and your husband needs to address her issues as an adult. I'd say help your husband get a backbone and kick her out. Her behavior is criminal and she needs to face the consequences of it. Press charges after you've installed cameras catching her in the act of vandalizing your property.
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I just thought of something truly mean but effective. Start with formal eviction proceedings. Then on the day that she's required to move, but doesn't, while she's away at work, change the locks and throw out her stuff onto the driveway. When she comes back, if she doesn't leave with what she needs to live on for a few days, call the cops. Have her physically removed. Oh and make sure your landlord knows what's going on as it's the landlord's property.
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Grandma1954 Jul 2019
Not sure what state you are in but I live in Illinois and you can not remove belongings the Sheriff has to do that. After the court hearing for the eviction there is a date set for the person to vacate if they do not the Sheriff is the one that permits the removal of personal belongings.
Pleas check the laws in your State, or County before you toss belongings on the driveway. Same with changing the locks.
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HE won't allow?

I suggest you take your daughter someplace safe for the summer and let him figure this out.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I’m with Barb, you and your child should stay with some friends or family and let him handle her. He’ll figure it out real fast he’s going to lose his family and be stuck with her!
If she’s competent enough to commit fraud (and yes I’d call your credit card companies to contest the charges), vandalism (on your personal property) and verbal assault (on your child about you) she is plenty capable of handling her finances or lack thereof.
Its going to be hard for you but you need to make your husband choose!
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Your husband is gaslighting you.

He will do whatever it takes, what has he done?

I would tell my mom to treat my wife and daughter with respect in THEIR home or she could live in that car she is so attached to.

He is a coward when it comes to his mommy or she would have been gone or treating you and your daughter better.

Next time your daughter comes crying because grandma is evil enough to try to traumatize her, pack a bag and tell your husband you will be back when psycho b is gone.
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BlackHole Jul 2019
Amen.
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Is she on medication for any kind of mental health disorder(s)? The behavior you describe is not normal. What if it escalates from cutting your clothes and locking you out of the house in the rain to stabbing you in your sleep? Or taking your daughter?
I'm not an alarmist, but I have lived with a person who suffers from mental illness off his meds and things get scary. The energy in the home stays toxic and affects everyone. It is a very very unhealthy situation for everyone. Your child should not have to be around such behavior.
I hope you can get this toxic woman out of your home soon!!
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Well paying to move her sounds easier then this living hell!! You already are paying and have spent so much that id cut my losses and get her into her own place. You just cant put a dollar amount on peace of mind. Trust me, i know:) sounds like hubby will continue to let her have her way while you cant be at peace in your own home. Plus i know u dont want continued negativity around your child. Time to nip it in the bud, again. The more time that passes, the worse it will get. The time is now. Keep us posted!! Hang in there. Once she is gone, im sure your peacful home and trouble free marriage will fall right back into place. I really relate.
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Maybe see a therapist to help you process all this. Doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for your children.
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My first question is she on the lease? It makes a difference for eviction purposes.If not you are able to evict her with a 30 day notice.Registered letter, filed with the courts.If she is on the lease the landlord will have to be the one to do it.Senior services may have options for her. Check out Catholic Charities too.Sometimes they have emergency shelter options not available to the general public looking on their own.You do NEED to contact dr office to rectify HSA snafu.They were in the wrong to put her charges against your account.It would be the same as if they applied the funds to a stranger's bill,if they refuse to reverse charges,contact HSA,explain what dr office did, request they dispute charges,ask for new card with new # so she cannot use it again.Tell dr office you do not want info kept on file that you will be using card for payment in person each visit.MIL sounds narcissistic, entitlement mentality, her son "owes" her in her old age.What year is her car?If sold will she be able to pay it off and have some left over for a good used car?200 a month is a lot for insurance,time for her to search for better options.Her behavior is unacceptable, but so is your husbands.If he ignores it,it will go away.Um, nope she's living off of you rent free,destroying your life,family,daughter, finances, marriage. She KNOWS how to manipulate him,buttons to push and will ultimately get her way by forcing you from your home,having her son to herself so she can do whatever she pleases.Kind of like an addict, hes the enabler by not holding her accountable for her actions. Any way to ship her back where she came from?She KNEW from the start she didn't have her share of the rent and never would.How much longer does she need to pay IRS?May want to speak to legal aide to see if they can lower amount due or get them to agree to accept payments already made(sounds like she ignored situation till they took action)She sounds like a real piece of work.Can your daughter go spend the summer with one of your family members while this gets sorted out so she is not exposed to this woman's toxic behavior?MIL behavior could escalate when she realizes she's out of there.It may come down to no contact order concerning you and your daughter for safety reasons.Husband did say whatever it takes.I did not cut him from her picture but she doesn't need to be around you two.What a mess.I know these decisions are easier said than done but if not done she will destroy not only your marriage but also your daughter.A young child does not deserve and did not ask for this treatment and stress.Keep us posted on what's going on. Good luck,praying for you and yours.
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BlackHole Jul 2019
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I haven't read your previous posts, but it sounds more like mental illness than dementia. I think a therapist is in order. What does spouse say? It's spouse's mother, after all. Has mom always been like this: needing dramatic, negative attention to "be seen"? How would she know about your HSA card/account?

Sounds like you have an unwanted guest that needs to be removed...
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I agree with others, that this doesn't sound like dementia, more like mental (un)health. It has obviously been life-long based on the history you provide, so don't expect anything to change. You and your husband need to find a NAMI group and take a class to learn how to deal with her without letting her control you and take advantage. Here are some suggestions that may help a little until you can move her out:
1. Do not pay her bills, any of them.
2. If she is eating with you, do not serve the food at the table. Put it on plates in the kitchen and everyone gets a plate. Everyone gets fed, and she cannot take larger servings leaving someone else without. If she wants more to eat she will have to buy her own snacks.
3. Your daughter is old enough for an explanation that grandma isn't always right in the head. Get books on how to explain this without scaring her or making her defensive for either of you. At her age she needs her family to love her and to feel secure.
4. You have a right to feel secure in your own home. If MIL interferes with this she goes. This isn't a debate, it is a basic need. MIL was able to manage before she lived with you and she can do that now. Husband needs to understand this.
5. Your husband has been abused by her his entire life. He is still trying to earn her love and respect. This will never happen. He needs help to accept this. It isn't his fault, she just isn't capable of normal relationships and never has been.
6. Does MIL have siblings or cousins that she likes? If so, send her there.
7. Do NOT make this between MIL and you. It isn't. It is between her and the world. You are just one of her victims.
8. If her "friends" want to help her or give her money let them. They will eventually see through her, so don't worry about what they think of you based on her whining.
9. Hide your money and valuables. Don't leave cash or credit cards where she might find them. Put jewelry in a safe deposit box.
10. Take pictures of the damage she does (cut up clothes). You may someday need them for legal purposes.
11. Let your extended family know what is happening. Don't complain, just spell it out factually. You may need their support now or in the future.

www.nami.org - look for a chapter near you and get information about how to manage family members with mental illness. You can't fix this and she doesn't want to fix it so don't try. Just do what you need to and get your safe, loving family back to normal.
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gdaughter Jul 2019
And I Will just add to this excellent response that my mom DOES have dementia and she can hide or damage some things...it has been an absolute godsend that we now have a couple rooms that we have placed exterior door handles/lock on, i.e. you need a key. I would let only yourself have a key and hide a duplicate (tape it somewhere where it can't be seen or fall) when mil is not in the house. This would protect your valuables/clothing. Not saying btw that your mil HAS dementia...just that this can work to protect belongings..
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Question: did you move her in without your landlord's knowledge? If so you could be in violation of the lease. If she is not on the lease as an inhabitant then she doesn’t have a legal right to live there and you can evict her. You need some legal counseling as well as family counseling. It sounds a bit like your husband is hiding his head in the sand and you are not in reality with your husband's reactions. He may be a good man but he is more concerned about his mom than his family. And from how you describe her as a person from when she was first pregnant with him and subsequent behavior and marriages, I’m surprised he's turned out well. But he has been manipulated by her mental illness his whole life. Yes, I’d say she is mentally ill, possibly bipolar. Get thee a lawyer and a therapist and quit asking us for the advice you need from professionals. Time to lay down the law and get serious. This is a VERY unhealthy and dangerous situation.
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She is 78 and is too old to be working. What is she living on, social security because if she is, she can’t afford to do all that you ask. Yes, she should get rid of her expensive car if she should even be driving. Maybe she needs to be on meds at her age for depression or mental illness or even a nursing home.
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MaryKathleen Jul 2019
Depending on her health she is not too old to work. My friend is 80 and still works a 40 hour a week. She retired but they asked her to come back. I just started work again at 85. I am only working part time but they asked me 3 times to come back before I agreed. I am sitting in the grocery store right now looking at a mann who is on his late 60's and he is working. I asked his age. Being old people seem to forgive my asking questions like that.
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I’m concerned about her destructive behavior. Isn’t this the woman that hit your child( could be someone with a similar situation) ? You evidently were able to get her to a dr. so I’d get her to a psychiatrist.

At least with my mother, earlier dementia took some of her filters away so her basic personality disorder was more apparent but there were other signs ie she couldn’t keep track of her medication. We’d put them into pill holders weekly but she was sure we did it wrong(🙄) and we’d find stray pills all over the house. She’d pay bills over and over or send money to junk mail ie assumed an ad with any figure mentioned was a bill to pay. Her rants got much worse but there were other changes as well. Your MIL sounds like a mentally ill woman more than dementia.

i wouldn’t be too hard on your husband, his mother has groomed him his whole life to feel responsible for her , but I would insist he seek counseling. Or maybe go together. You don’t want to force him to choose , he needs to see the reality for himself.
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katiekat2009 Jul 2019
I would agree to hubby going to counseling with her but Mom MUST protect daughter since dad won't.
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Hi Jomichelle

Is there no way you can get a second opinion regarding your MIL having Dementia from another doctor.
You can't continue to live like that. As you say your a young couple and have a 9 year old daughter who is also suffering due to it
It's hard to know whether she's playing you both or if she has dementia. No matter which one it is i don't think you can continue to live this way. This will have an awful effect on your 9 year old daughter. When you MIL time comes and she passes away you don't want your daughters memories to be of a nasty granny.
It would surprise me that your MIL is being nasty i feel there is a medical reason. Good luck and i hope you get sorted soon. X
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katiekat2009 Jul 2019
If possible, she should be evaluated by a NEUROPSYCHIATRIST. They will be able to diagnose whether it is dementia vs mental/personality disorder.
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Your husband won't allow you to leave? Tough. Do you have relatives you can stay with until she's gone? An inexpensive apt. would be better than this. Tell him you'll be back once she's gone. Seems to be the only way he's going to wake up and do something. Is she on your lease? If not then you may be able to get her out. If she does something nuts, like cutting your clothes, call the police and have her bakered act. While she's being assessed tell them she can't move back in and see if they will place her someplace. You really are between a rock and a hard place and the only thing I can see for you to do is move out yourself.
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I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but it seems to me like you've got a nuclear-powered malignant narcissist on your hands. Her actions are bizarre, but not in the way they would be if she had dementia. People with dementia do things like put their car keys in the freezer or forget to eat. Her behaviour makes perfect sense, however, for a narcissist--she demands unconditional attention and care, responds with passive-aggression if she doesn't get her way, recruits flying monkeys to shore up her own credibility, stokes division within the family, and lies and steals with glee. Of course the doctors find no signs of dementia--she's sharp as a tack. It's not surprising you didn't see the signs of her narcissism sooner--unfortunately, malignant narcissists come across as perfectly normal, even charming, until you live with them.

The only way I've ever found to deal with malignant narcissists is to put as much land mass between myself and them as possible. Your young family is your top priority in life, and you must not allow your MIL's presence to tear you guys apart.

My advice: Tell her that she has two weeks to find a suitable living arrangement (apartment, roommate, etc.) or you will install her in assisted living. Then make good on that threat--collect brochures for AL places and put them around the house, call facilities while she is watching and make appointments for tours, start stacking up boxes for her to pack her things. Chances are she will try to guilt you by pretending to get sick, or she might even "let up" on her narcissistic behaviour. Don't fall for it. Remain positive and firm. If she asks you why you want her to leave, simply say the current arrangement is not working. You owe her no more than that. If she doesn't find her own place after a few days of this, that first visit to the AL facility will probably do the trick. Do not give her any options--stand firm and do it for your family. Narcissists have a habit of living to a ripe old age, and you will never have any peace unless you put your foot down now.

My 92-year-old mother is a malignant narcissist, and I've been dealing with her toxicity for 56 years. The only way I can tolerate her is to live at least 1,000 miles away from her. I wish you all the best, and BE STRONG!
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katiekat2009 Jul 2019
I see references to Dr. Les Carter's counseling (the flying monkeys). I encourage Jomichelle to look him up on YouTube. Everything will start to make sense.
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