Why am I so angry at my Mom?

@Nasmir, I think you are wrong. A parent who has passed is never really gone. And neither are your feelings!

Sometimes people are actually GLAD when the loved one is gone, because the loved one was SO MEAN. Being dead doesn't erase a person's past crimes. Not every mother is a Hallmark Greeting Card mother.


The best thing for the caregiver's peace of mind is to love their charge, to serve willingly, and to ignore the insults and crabby moods, to forgive the past. But sometimes that is just too much to ask, too impossible a goal.

Dixie and all here, caring for a parent is draining physically but even more importantly emotionally and of course financially. Then when we are at the end of our ropes, we still continue to try to carry on. It became impossible for me about a year ago, and not because of the 24/7 I provided my mom as much as the family dysfunction. All that aside, we need to take care of ourselves.

I too, had a house fire almost two years ago now. The rebuild was more than a year and I had to care for mom through a good part of that. I gave up on the care last May, Mom moved early June. Time for the twisted sisters to step up. What did I hear from them? How was I going to help them clear out mom's house when I had my own to deal with. Moving back to mine, getting things out of storage, getting things cleaned for the move back to my home. And never an offer of assistance for what I needed to do for me. I drew the line, sissies would now have to deal with all of Mom's business as I had a life to get back and it was in shambles in every way possible.

We can only count on ourselves which is very difficult when we are so drained. I am still muddling through, moved from a state I had lived my entire life, all my kids and grandkids are there. Moved to an area that is not as competitive in terms of a workforce and have returned to my career. That isn't easy either, but I am grateful for the opportunity and am now in a small town after a very large city all my life. I am in the process of reinventing myself in my early 60's.

If we can provide care for a parent we can do anything. It take plenty of courage and determination for sure, but we are all very well eqipped. We just do nit understand that the caregiving has developed a very strong person that can do anything that we put our minds to! Best wishes to all of you. I must get up now and continue down this road of reestablishing my life and reinventing who I am.

Sorry, I don't think one person should do this to a family. I would not put my marriage in jeopardy for a parent. Hopefully my husband will be around a lot longer than my Mom. There comes a time when ur needs should be met. I don't believe in going in debt for a parent. I don't believe in giving up ur life. Problem is its hard to explain this to a parent with Dementia. I would have been so angry my Mom would have heard it. Your Mom is not in the position to make decisions. Change is hard, but that is how it is. U hate to threaten but they become like children and that is how u need to deal with them.

So much insight and excellent advice from all here. I echo the commenters who don't have the answers but so many of us can relate to your predicament, Dixielicious. My 93 year old mother has no clue about how debilitating caregiving is, whether from a live in even outside situation. Most of us have grandparents who passed away long before our parents were saddled with these responsibilities and associated guilt as to whether we are doing a good enough job. When my mother was about my age she made a point of saying that if the time came that we needed to "make arrangements" for her, we should not feel guilty about doing that. Of course, once the dementia set in and her innate narcissistic personality traits kicked in (I empathize with those of you who have recognized what saints your father and/or stepfather was) and is now in AL where she WILL DO NOTHING, she doesn't understand - "what do you mean you had so much to do before you moved me here?" It's not even worth the time to try and tell her everything (even now, with the bills and associated stuff at AL) - she has no memory of what I said 5 minutes later. And like many others, we (my husband and I) have very little to no additional help even though there are grandkids that aren't that far away and my sister who is less than an hour. I guess when it's all said and done, you really need to try and live your own life, while you are still in good enough health and have all of your faculties, and enjoy as much as you can. Our parents had this as well and it serves no one (not even your mother) for you to fall into deep depression and associated health problems due to unrelenting stress. Everyone on this forum is so caring, compassionate and understanding....keep coming back for all of the support you need and hugs to you for being such a caring daughter.

Dixielicious: God bless you, first and foremost! The elderly parent is going to be unhappy for the most part. And why? Because they're in the winter of their life. There is no such person who found the "fountain of youth," because it was debunked years ago. All I can say is "hang on, because you will get off this nightmarish rollercoaster; that it, when your mom deceases."

I feel your pain. My father passed away 24 years ago and it has been a rough ride! My mother is 95 and had a bad stroke in February of 2015. She really didn't make much effort with the rehab so ended up in a nursing home. She wanted to be in the town she lived in so she is 2 hours away. I now go once a month but was going more frequently and wearing myself out! I spent the majority of last year cleaning out her townhome and getting it sold and making sure she was getting the care she needed. Totally wore me out because I have no siblings to help. My husband and kids tried to help when they could. I can't tell you all enough - please don't let these situations run you into the ground. I connected with a counselor and she said I needed to change things because I was eroding inside! Pretty strong word! Anyway, hugs for all of you and I totally recommend the book my counselor had me read. It is "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.

I am not in your situation, so my comment may be nonsense, but it may help, so here goes.

Can you occasionally shift your thinking about your mother to pity her? I am absolutely NOT saying that you lack compassion. Your life sucks, mostly due to her. But she has to live in that miserable mind 24 hours a day! And what's worse, she is choosing to! What lousy company she is for herself!

Can you sometimes think of her as a wounded animal? If you think of her as a mother, of course you are angry because she is being a horrible mother. But if she is a mistreated fleabitten dog that got run over, you would know not to expect any appreciation. Taking care of her will still be hard, but if you can find some way to reinterpret her behavior, then it can roll off your back a little bit.

NYDaughterinLaw said "Old people who fail to thrive in old age are unhappy because they want their old lives back." It's not your fault that she is unhappy, and you can't make her happy. Pat yourself on the back regularly, because she won't ever do it.

Old people who fail to thrive in old age are unhappy because they want their old lives back. They want their stuff because it reminds them of their younger days acquiring it. Dwelling on the past is a sign of depression.

It's one thing for old people to tell stories about their younger years and then resume normal activities. It's quite another when they bemoan the loss of their youth, fight against the present, and live in nostalgia. That is when a geriatric psychiatrist or counselor should be called.

You cannot help your mother like a professional mental health counselor can. You are not responsible for your mom's happiness. She may never be happy again. There is nothing you can do to undo the fire. You have moved her forward and you should be very proud of yourself for accomplishing all that you have.

Your situation is horrible.You have three other siblings -- time for them to step up. How did you "inherit" your mother in 1999? Do you live in her house? Does she live with you? Are the other siblings local?
One thing I always wonder about in these kinds of situations is who is in her will or trust to inherit after she's gone? If it's equal, then I'd just walk (run, actually...) away. Your mother and your siblings owe you bigtime.

Everything I just read here has helped me so much. My Mother died a few months ago at age 97. I moved her to NC from Philadelphia when I moved here. It turned into a nightmare of 5. 5 years. She never forgave me for getting rid of her "stuff". She never adjusted to giving up her home and being in control of her life. I sat her up in a lovely apartment with her very own nurturing caretaker and she was never happy with anything. Vicky hit the nail on the head. Very old people are never going to be happy because they can't be younger. They just cannot be their old selves. It causes resentment and despair. We the "children" pay the price. We must try to learn from this and KNOW we all must make the adjustment to old age and do it gracefully without complaining. If we are miserable and scared. Tell no one. We owe it to our kids .

I'm so proud to be a small part of this group when I read threads like this one! Wonderful advice from some, warmth and friendship from others, compassion from all.

Dixielicious, I can't add any more "wisdom" to what has been written here, but the bottom line is that you must take care of yourself. Your mother isn't happy, she won't be happy, and you dropping in your tracks trying to change that won't make her happy. Start working on rebuilding your own life somehow, and do read this whole thread.
Carol

I am not going to give advice for your situation, as I have not 'been there'. However, in dealing with my folks, both alive at 86 and 90, I have found that nothing will make them happy except to be young and vigorous again. They have each other, for which we are all blessed!! Being in AL is not what they wanted, but they adjusted and would not have liked living in their own house with paid help, either. It would have come to this, in time. this way they have had time to adjust before their memories are completely gone.

To add, my two cents exclusively...to anyone thinking of moving their parent in with them, DO NOT!!!! There is always another way. I wouldn't even want a granny pod on my property. It's still too close to home. I've already told my children, DO NOT under ANY circumstances have me live with ANY of them!

I am not trying to be rude; but have any of you looked at assisted living or nursing homes? If money is an issue - Medicaid can help with nursing home care. Also, many counties have subsidized housing for seniors who have a low income - the waiting lists are usually long - but it is an option.

Caregiving is hard and unfortunately many of those we care for have no clue what we sacrifice for them and they really don't care. I am taking care of my mom; she is 93 - has Alzheimer's and stage 3 bladder cancer. She has been with me 1.5 years. Before that I was driving to Ohio back and forth for two years caring for her. This situation is hard - it takes away your freedom - your life, your future.

You have to make a decision - how long do I want to do this? I made that decision. My husband and I said - two years max. My mom is on the waiting list for assisted living and I will take the next spot. She doesn't have that much money, but if I run out - than I will apply for Medicaid.

It's tough, but I am almost 60 and this is not how I want to spend the next five or ten years. I never thought my mother would live this long. The doctor told me she could live another 2-3 years as she is now.

It's okay to place our parents in other communities; that is why these facilities exist. What would happen if you could no longer care for her - she would be placed in one. Call your local agency for aging - see what is options are available to your mom. It's okay if you can't do it any more. Get some help.

If she doesn't like it "oh well" sounds like she will never be happy and that's life.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I can only speak from my own experiences so all I can say is take your life back! I cared for my mother for nearly twenty years, even when she was self sustaining, she moved in with my husband and I just after our one year wedding anniversary. Everyone questioned my sanity but it was a promise l kept as a child, long story. Anyways, it all came to a head for us, me especially, a few months ago. My mother drive me to the point, like you're saying, needed a break. She was especially unkind to me, my husband and daughter she treated fine and nobody understood. I felt like I was surrounded by dark clouds on a daily basis. She brought anxiety and depression onto me which led me down a path on thoughts on my own death. I felt like a hermit in my own home, sitting on the corner of my couch in the corner feeling like a cowering child. I've taken the verbal abuse for two years. Did you know being ignored and not spoken to at times is verbal abuse also? Lobg story short, it was going to have to be me gaining my life back!!! I read another lady's plight on here and it was like reading a book of answers. I called senior services, department on aging and explained to them what I was going through. They gave me the contact of a counselor who I emailed all my thoughts and experiences. I bore my soul like i needed to get everything out. She called me back and was floored with how I was feeling. She agreed with me that we as a family needed her out. Mind you, I called a senior agency for our county not asking for this, but for help on my situation. I turned to them, an agency that looks out for the well being of the elderly so that I was going to do whatever was in her best interest. They came and did a home visit, of course my mother was charming but stubborn. Within a short visit they assessed that we needed her out, to use the social worker's exact words "She needs to go, you need her out of here and get your lives back". I even had an eviction paper to complete and hand her giving her 30 days notice. After all she is considered a tenant in our residence. This lady recognized it was going to be her or me and that nobody had to live like this. I was miserable which trickled down to the relationship between my soul mate husband and my daughter who's now 26. My mother was a hermit too, no life, gave up on speaking to any family or friends, went nowhere. Social services wanted her to have her life back too, socialize and engage people and life again. To add more detail, the eviction paper was because she refused the thought of going anywhere. She didn't want to meet with anyone or have a life. But the situation needed to change, drastically and immediately. They were on her side, looking out for her well being first as well as considering mine. Well, my husband and I toured facilities and found one 10 minutes away that was perfect. She refused to tour with us but when it came to getting the papers signed at home, she refused that too. Social services reminded her that she indeed was being evicted. Well we made an appointment to meet with the intake lady at the facility and she went with us, calling me a vulture. When they asked if she had a POA, she said no but they already had copies of me being her POA. She was stubborn as hell but that pen ink flowed onto the paperwork. She only listed my husband and daughter as contacts too, lol. Well it's been several weeks now since she moved into her apartment and I've been healing at home, enjoying peace. I've learned to love and enjoy sunshine on my face and feel breezes again. I'm breathing!! Her old room is becoming my office so I can start a work from home job. My husband's been stripping wallpaper and prepping for paint, it's never been brighter in there! As for my mother, she's remarkably adjusted well! She gets out of her apartment for meals, socializes, is back to reading books. She's even called her two sisters who she hadn't spoken to in THIRTY YEARS!!! Social services was right, she needed her life back along with mine. I can only beg you, PLEASE don't let your life get away from you. See what senior services can do for her and for you! Salvage that relationship of love with your boyfriend! It's true, you only have one life and so does your mother. YOU and your mother need to stop living under pressure. I cannot stress this enough. Pour your heart out in an email to a social worker they recommend like I did. If I hadn't, I'd be either living in my car or dead by now. Don't get to the point that you feel like you're suffocating and can't breathe. LOVE YOURSELF as well as your mother! Sending you a virtual hug, FEEL IT!!! {{{HUGS}}}

This is serious advice. A way to help yourself is learn how to meditate and do it every day. You can find a teacher or even learn from on line sites. Spend 20 minutes a day and it will change your life. The situation will not change but your reaction to it will. That is the only thing you have control over. Once your reaction changes, you will see solutions to problems you might not have considered if your are too stressed.

Wow, I feel for all of you. I know the one piece of advice they always give on here is to avoid living with our having your parent live with you but sometimes that is the only way. I am lucky so far as my mother lives in my house in Florida and I still live in Ohio. She complains constantly about the house, the neighborhood, her junky car, prices of everything she has to buy (she only pays for her food and utilities - we pay for everything else) and when we go to visit she turns on the guilt and complains even more about the things SHE wants to see done to the house. Then waxes nostalgic for her crappy apartment that was full of mold and in disrepair that we ripped her away from to put her in a lovely home in Florida near the beach and with every amenity that she could want. But all she will do is stay in the house all day and complain. If anyone tries to get her to go anywhere she starts in with uncontrollable diahrhea.

I am afraid she has a rude awakening coming because my husband has gotten a job down there and we are beginning to move into the house. She is now demanding that I get a granny pod for her so she will have her own space....Those are like $100k and she won't believe me when I tell her so. She says she has seen them for about $896. So my hell will soon be beginning in earnest. I have found that it is easier if I just make my plans to go somewhere or do something and if she starts complaining I just say, well you can stay here as no one is inviting you to go or you can go to your room if you don't want to participate in the things we are doing. Usually she will sulk for a few minutes but if I start letting her control me before I move in; there will be no hope for me any my husband. Oh, I also have an adult handicapped son who is WAY LESS trouble than my healthy 81 year old mother.

I cannot give you answers but I can tell you that you're not alone. I've been taking care of my mother for about 13 years. My fathers so kind and gentle and catered to her hand and foot. He never said no to her once. When he died, I inherited all the responsibilities including being her entertainment team. At that point she was quite capable of taking care of herself but had no desire to. We build a MIL apartment for her and she settled in like it was an all inclusive resort. Fast forward 13 very very long years. At 89 she has tons of medical issues and will take any and all assistance she can get. I'm so burnt out I could cry 24/7. My husband and I no longer get along. I think I'd want a divorce but that would mean selling the house and she would have no where to live. So I stay in this little house of horror, keeping her life dandy. I know how you feel, what you go through, how hard you work, how many sacrifices you make and yes the guilt you feel because of frustration and anger. No one wants to be in this situation. We'll get through, we have no choice. In the meantime learn your lessons. Don't be dependent, don't grow old to suck the life out of your kids, and take what's left of their decent years. God willing I planning on taking myself into old age with a streak of independence, a smile, a bucket full of gratitude and assisted living when and if I need it. The end.

I'm new to this forum, and feel much of the pain you are both experiencing. I am the POA over my narcissistic mother, who had a stroke 5 months ago that left her unable to walk, confused, and mean. I have changed my life in more ways than I can count to keep this woman in her home (her most fervent wish) and all she does is bemoan her life and complain. There isn't one part of my life that hasn't gone into a tailspin (my marriage, health, work, you name it). What has helped me is to call her out on her behavior, even if the vascular dementia doesn't allow for her to remember it the next day. I do it quietly and firmly, and if she escalates her whining and complaints, I repeat myself in the same manner. If it still continues...I make sure she is safely in bed or in her chair...and leave the room. For at least 10 minutes. I go in the other room and take deep belly breaths, compose myself, and try again. If it continues I tell her I love her, but I won't be treated that way (with disrespect) and leave again. This time for 20 minutes. Repeat, repeat...lengthening the time each time I go. My mom is a master manipulator, and plays my siblings and I all against one another. She is a diva. I didn't realize how my father (who was the strongest and kindest man I have ever known) filled that space of neediness for her (he adored her) so that without him....nothing anyone does (especially me) is EVER enough. If you haven't already, read up on narcissistic mothers. I had never heard of that, and as I read about them, about a million bells went off in my head. It's a cycle many of us daughters have been in since childhood, and I was flabbergasted at the manipulation she had basically been wielding toward me literally my entire life. Love and peaceful healing to the hearts of all of us who are trying deal with aging, not so nice, mothers. xo

I hope someone can give you the answer to this, because I'm in the exact same situation. I'm the youngest of 5, one sibling passed away, so there are 4 now. But honestly it feels like I'm an only child because the others do nothing and offer no help. My dad died in 1999, so it's like i inherited my very codependent mom. It was fine for probably 10 years but then my brother died. Now it's like I'm being held hostage. With the exception of going to work, all i do is stay home because if i attempt to go out she turns on the guilt and calls people saying I'm going out and she don't know when I'm coming home. Honestly?! I'm going to a movie with a friend! Not joining the army and heading to Afghanistan!

She also likes to pretend illness. I've taken her to the doctors and/or urgent care and she'll say "nothings wrong" when they ask what's ailing her. So wait. Did i just lose a half days work to bring you to the doctor because i like the crappy cable they have in their waiting room?!?

I haven't had a vacation with friends in years. And you mentioned a relationship with a boyfriend? What is that? I've heard of those. Haven't had one of those in 15 years or more.

It's mentally and physically exhausting. I've gained 40 pounds and cry all the time. I m trying go keep my faith in the God. I have believe in Him. But am starting to feel He doesn't believe in me. It's like i can't do enough. I feel like i have a huge rock on my chest.

I hope someone gives you good advice on your issue and that you won't mind if i borrow the advice.