My sister is POA and decided to not update me on our father's health. What can I do?

If your Dad has regular general age decline and does not have Alzheimer's/ Dementia, he can request that your name be added to the HIPAA file as a contact person.

Does your sister assume that your Dad won't be returning to his home?   Is that rent common for your area?   Since your Sister has Power of Attorney she can represent your Dad, but only when the time comes that your Dad is unable to think for himself.

As some would say on the forums, you need "boots on the ground", thus visit your Dad and see exactly what is going on.

You can write and ask her nicely to keep you updated. How often do you visit your father?

What was your better idea of what to do about his property? - your profile states that your father is in Assisted Living, so presumably the $400 per month was rental income your sister had managed to get for his home, was it?

I may well be hyper-sensitised about this kind of thing, in which case my apologies; but between the lines I read that your POA sister has been managing your father's latter years single-handed, and your contribution was to second-guess her. I wonder if you could possibly have realised how hard she might find that to take.

PS: however hard she found it, she should still keep you and brother in the loop. But ask her nicely, don't give her a hard time about it. And *please* acknowledge any texts or emails or calls she makes - it is very demoralising when one sends out bulletins and gets nothing but tumbleweed in reply.

I see my father 4 - 5 times a year.
The home is 2500 square feet and 5 yrs old. It should rent for more. When I mentioned that I felt it wasn't enough she came undone! My father at the time was fine in making decisions. She also gave his auto to a sister in law with out a loan from a bank and she is paying my dad monthly. I find that to be wrong as well and said she should get a loan like everyone else does. BAM! Another blow up! With my father being of right mind the house is on the market. Has been for 2 yrs! Someone lowered the price. I mentioned it to my Dad and he said they better not have. Well they did and I don't know who signed that real estate change. She has been managing things single handly with her husbands input (his friends in the house living pretty cheap)! She also has emptied out his home and told me the week after I had left from a visit with my Dad. He is now not doing well and I doubt he will return to his apt. I can not be there 24/7 to assist as nor my older brother. I was receiving text from my niece in regards to him and I asked if I could please receive updates via a phone call. I don't think that is unreasonable. I got the reply "you break my heart"! At this point I only care about his well being. I have no idea what else they have done to his estate with him not knowing. What is done is done between her and I. I am able to call the skilled nursing to get updates on his health. I feel like nothing can be discussed with her as her mind is made up with my brother in law putting his two cents in and he should stay out of it.

By then renting the home this could cause some issues for my Dad that they do not realize. But hey...she's the POA and didn't look into the laws, taxes, etc.

laadelmu, to add to my post above, since your Dad still sounds of clear mind in part, he might be able to change the Power of Attorney if he feels the POA isn't really representing him the way he wants.

The only thing I can think of is that your sister is burnt out. And when you are burnt out you are lucky to even get out of bed in the morning. Even with Dad now in Assisted Living, your sister is still running ragged with things that need to be done. Like gathering paperwork for Dad's IRS income tax for April. It wasn't unusual for me to snap at people.

Emptying out a house to put on the market is exhausting work, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It took months. Prior to that, it was 6 years of dealing with my elderly folks who refused to leave their house.

Well if she's burnt out she should speak up! I would be happy to pay his bills and kick out the renter! She has chosen to exclude us. He now is not thinking clearly and is very confused. Their poor decisions regarding his home could cause some issues if he goes into a nursing home which I think he is headed. I can not be in two places at one time. I can not be there every weekend. As I have my own household to run. She has a spouse that sponges off the state who could set up and assist. He has his had out to help his friend and sister with my dads personal assets! I guess the moral to the story is she made her bed now she can lay in it. Sadly our relationship will never be the same.

laadelmu, thanks for the update.   Now I understand why your sister has decided not to keep you up-to-date regarding your Dad.

Caregivers are always asking for help, but when they are always being turned down with 101 excuses [some of which you had written], it is easier to wipe the siblings out of the picture because the caregiver is in enough stress, she doesn't need any more.

And many of us caregivers had wiped the spouse/sig other out of the picture because they are just MORE added stress. We get tired of the complaints and excuses from them, too.

Imagine if your sister wasn't around to help your Dad..... close to 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring.

It would be great if the family could work as a team.  Have a family meeting, face to face, to talk about the next steps.

With the odd things that sister has done and dad is just sitting by, I'd question if dad was operating with a sound mind. Have you spend extended time around him lately? Limited phone calls may not provide you with a full picture of what is happening. I'd be curious enough to make some serious inquiries. I might inquire about the laws in the state where they live and see if their state requires annual Accountings to be filed with the court, by POAs. You might check the document and see if it requires an annual account or not. Some waive it, but, if not, she may be in violation if she didn't file. That would show exactly where the money has gone and if it's improper, give you a place to start.

I agree that if she's selling things below market value, it could hurt him if he applies for Medicaid down the road. And renting his property may be considered his income and thus disqualify him from Medicaid. I would think she would get an expert opinion before making crucial decisions that end up hurting him.

You think they should be charging a higher rent.
You think they should be letting on principle to a tenant whom they don't know from Adam, and who may or may not be trustworthy with your father's property, or good for that higher rent.
You think they should be aiming to realise a higher price for the property. Which has already failed to sell. Having been on the market for two years.
You think your sister should speak up if she's burnt out, so that you can tell her you're far too occupied with your own business to do any more than you're already doing, and anyway it's her own dam' fault.
You think your sister should make more effort to keep you informed.
You visit 4-5 times a year.

You have a lot of good ideas about what your sister should be doing, haven't you. What more are you planning to do?

This story is so typical, and sad, as is my own. From the outside looking into your issue, I can tell you this:
1) keep the emotions OUT (very hard to do, and takes a real grown up!)
2) forgive your sister. Sounds like decades of jealousy and bitterness clouding your emotions
3) make needed sacrifices to become involved with your father before it's too late. Lifelong regret will make you sick!
4) if she has the POA, somebody gave it to her, support her as best you can, then she will soften (and you will too)
Blessings!!!!

As a person that has been accused of stealing from my own father who only has limited soc sec income and no assets, same with mom, I've been on the receiving end of someone who complains that "they're not informed".
You would do all these things but also state that you can't because your family comes first.
I think it wouldn't matter what your sister did, you'd disagree.
Perhaps her husband is the only support she's getting and she takes it because it's clear she's not getting my from you.
Get over whatever you've got a problem with. And if you love and care for your father as you stated visit as often as your life permits, and be thankful someone is doing their best to take care of him.

Amen, Countrymouse!
You really DO need to meet as a family and talk this out. 900 miles is a long ways, and yes, you do have your own life, but I bet sister is doing the best she can and likely is burnt to a crisp.
Go visit. See the situation firsthand. Offer help, not criticism. It's super easy to have the answers when you are miles away, uninvolved in the mucky day-to-day. I don't doubt you love your father, but y'all need to be on the same page.

I was the main care provider, decider and POA. My Mom gave it to me because she knew I would be the one to do what she wanted no matter what. I did and I am pleased with that. If your father is of sound mind as you say then he made the decision that your sister was the best to handle his affairs. My sibs, with one exception, supported my decisions but rarely did much to help. Let me ask you something: When you ARE there are you really any help? Or do you constantly question decisions made? I'd advise: Write a NICE letter thanking your sister for all she does and apologizing for not being there to help as much as you'd like. (Please don't list excuses. She could move too, but she didn't and doesn't.) Ask her to give you an assignment such as perhaps investigating caregiving support for her and her husband. By the way, I bet her husband helps a lot and so therefore has every right to have an input. You are not seeing the other side for whatever reason. The others here are right - your sister has enough to deal with without having to deal with your continual criticism and judgment. Call your Dad directly and talk to him, visit him. Continually ask to help out without judgment and perhaps your sister will be able to forgive you.

Sometimes there are just dysfunctional families, like mine. I provided four years of care for mom with AD. Finally tired of no sibling help in spite of being in the same city. Decided it was past time to reclaim my life because of sibling caused issues. Now they have total responsibility for mom, course they have plenty of help, mom is now in a facility has been since I made the decision. I have requested updates as I decided to leave the area. Never so much as a reply. Sometimes you just need to let it go or it will drive you nuts
🐌

The POA's duties does not include keeping family informed - they quite often do so out of the goodness of their heart - but it is not your sister's responsibility to phone you - in deed as POA should your dad die in his sleep she is not obligated to call you either - if you don't make an effort to stay in the loop, she could be within hers rights to have the lawyer make the call

My sister never phones & her husband occationally emails - I have them on a point system now - they share 1 item [& not a dialog of complaints] they get 1 return update otherwise why should I take the time when they could pick up phone whenever they want updates

It would be best that you call yourself to where he lives instead of expecting things on a silver platter & giving her more work to do - I bet you are not the most friendly with her so I don't blame her - you asked wrong place for sympathy here

You haven't had much to do with her for two years - so at least during that time she was trying to make ends meet and manage your dad, and try and sell a house, and look after health, etc. Suddenly you think that you know the best and that everything that she is doing is wrong? This is my situation. I am POA because parents knew that I was honest and would try my best to do what needed to be done. Managed almost totally by myself for such a long time, and suddenly, like you, siblings didn't like ANYTHING that I did and tried to make things miserable for me. I don't blame your sister for stonewalling. She is not required to let you in the loop. I did, but people told me that I was far nicer about things than they would have been. Either be supportive or not - just don't be surprised that she has trouble forgetting and forgiving how she has had to make tough decisions all by herself - and then get slammed for her actions.
I think that she has been doing the best that she could under the circumstances.

I am POA as well and this last time my mother was sick was the end of doing care giving by myself. Oh- and I also had a step sibling slam me in a post on Facebook -I was very disappointed in that. After all was said and done with mom going back to her apartment, she now has a caregiver 3 days a week, 5 hours each time. I am more grateful for her than she will ever know-while also still keeping in touch with her, and letting my mom know I am the here but need a break. You need to visit, and be involved- but you should never slam the person who is providing the care...