My fathers health is failing. My sister is POA. We had a difference of opinion on some of his personal property. She has allowed a friend to live in his new home for $400 a mo. I disagreed and the world blew up! We had not spoke much for 2 yrs. Only for minutes if something was happening with my father. She now has failed to call when he is hospitalized or doing poorly. I am 5 hrs away and my brother 19 hrs away. She has decided not to keep us updated. What can I do?

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PS: however hard she found it, she should still keep you and brother in the loop. But ask her nicely, don't give her a hard time about it. And *please* acknowledge any texts or emails or calls she makes - it is very demoralising when one sends out bulletins and gets nothing but tumbleweed in reply.
Helpful Answer (11)

You can write and ask her nicely to keep you updated. How often do you visit your father?

What was your better idea of what to do about his property? - your profile states that your father is in Assisted Living, so presumably the $400 per month was rental income your sister had managed to get for his home, was it?

I may well be hyper-sensitised about this kind of thing, in which case my apologies; but between the lines I read that your POA sister has been managing your father's latter years single-handed, and your contribution was to second-guess her. I wonder if you could possibly have realised how hard she might find that to take.
Helpful Answer (7)

You think they should be charging a higher rent.
You think they should be letting on principle to a tenant whom they don't know from Adam, and who may or may not be trustworthy with your father's property, or good for that higher rent.
You think they should be aiming to realise a higher price for the property. Which has already failed to sell. Having been on the market for two years.
You think your sister should speak up if she's burnt out, so that you can tell her you're far too occupied with your own business to do any more than you're already doing, and anyway it's her own dam' fault.
You think your sister should make more effort to keep you informed.
You visit 4-5 times a year.

You have a lot of good ideas about what your sister should be doing, haven't you. What more are you planning to do?
Helpful Answer (7)

As a person that has been accused of stealing from my own father who only has limited soc sec income and no assets, same with mom, I've been on the receiving end of someone who complains that "they're not informed".
You would do all these things but also state that you can't because your family comes first.
I think it wouldn't matter what your sister did, you'd disagree.
Perhaps her husband is the only support she's getting and she takes it because it's clear she's not getting my from you.
Get over whatever you've got a problem with. And if you love and care for your father as you stated visit as often as your life permits, and be thankful someone is doing their best to take care of him.
Helpful Answer (7)

If your Dad has regular general age decline and does not have Alzheimer's/ Dementia, he can request that your name be added to the HIPAA file as a contact person.

Does your sister assume that your Dad won't be returning to his home?   Is that rent common for your area?   Since your Sister has Power of Attorney she can represent your Dad, but only when the time comes that your Dad is unable to think for himself.

As some would say on the forums, you need "boots on the ground", thus visit your Dad and see exactly what is going on.
Helpful Answer (5)

This story is so typical, and sad, as is my own. From the outside looking into your issue, I can tell you this:
1) keep the emotions OUT (very hard to do, and takes a real grown up!)
2) forgive your sister. Sounds like decades of jealousy and bitterness clouding your emotions
3) make needed sacrifices to become involved with your father before it's too late. Lifelong regret will make you sick!
4) if she has the POA, somebody gave it to her, support her as best you can, then she will soften (and you will too)
Helpful Answer (5)

The POA's duties does not include keeping family informed - they quite often do so out of the goodness of their heart - but it is not your sister's responsibility to phone you - in deed as POA should your dad die in his sleep she is not obligated to call you either - if you don't make an effort to stay in the loop, she could be within hers rights to have the lawyer make the call

My sister never phones & her husband occationally emails - I have them on a point system now - they share 1 item [& not a dialog of complaints] they get 1 return update otherwise why should I take the time when they could pick up phone whenever they want updates

It would be best that you call yourself to where he lives instead of expecting things on a silver platter & giving her more work to do - I bet you are not the most friendly with her so I don't blame her - you asked wrong place for sympathy here
Helpful Answer (4)

laadelmu, to add to my post above, since your Dad still sounds of clear mind in part, he might be able to change the Power of Attorney if he feels the POA isn't really representing him the way he wants.

The only thing I can think of is that your sister is burnt out. And when you are burnt out you are lucky to even get out of bed in the morning. Even with Dad now in Assisted Living, your sister is still running ragged with things that need to be done. Like gathering paperwork for Dad's IRS income tax for April. It wasn't unusual for me to snap at people.

Emptying out a house to put on the market is exhausting work, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It took months. Prior to that, it was 6 years of dealing with my elderly folks who refused to leave their house.
Helpful Answer (3)

laadelmu, thanks for the update.   Now I understand why your sister has decided not to keep you up-to-date regarding your Dad.

Caregivers are always asking for help, but when they are always being turned down with 101 excuses [some of which you had written], it is easier to wipe the siblings out of the picture because the caregiver is in enough stress, she doesn't need any more.

And many of us caregivers had wiped the spouse/sig other out of the picture because they are just MORE added stress. We get tired of the complaints and excuses from them, too.

Imagine if your sister wasn't around to help your Dad..... close to 40% of caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring.

It would be great if the family could work as a team.  Have a family meeting, face to face, to talk about the next steps.
Helpful Answer (3)

Sometimes there are just dysfunctional families, like mine. I provided four years of care for mom with AD. Finally tired of no sibling help in spite of being in the same city. Decided it was past time to reclaim my life because of sibling caused issues. Now they have total responsibility for mom, course they have plenty of help, mom is now in a facility has been since I made the decision. I have requested updates as I decided to leave the area. Never so much as a reply. Sometimes you just need to let it go or it will drive you nuts
Helpful Answer (3)

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