Need advise about sister moving in with Mom when not needed!

point on, tacy, that's exactly the situation with hub's family - dad had 2 kids, mom had 2 kids, one of dad's was there, with his wife, to take care of dad - my hub helping some; when he passed, mom was seemingly relieved it was over, was not appreciative of what "dad's" son and wife did for him, turned to "her" kids, and furthermore to a grandchild they raised that she also considered "hers", while he only considered her another grandchild just like the rest of "theirs", and almost immediately made her POA, emptied "dad's" safe deposit box that "his" son at least thought his name was on, and maybe was, but not only, mom's was as well and apparently not dual authority but either/or so she could, without his knowledge and/or permission, do just that and without telling him what was in it, not sure if thought there was something in there for him, but if was, either dad thought mom would see that he got it or else not so, that he just left it for her, do know he made sure he got the deed for his part of the land; all this may have at least been after, but not long, the service and all, which "dad's" son and wife are the ones who took her to the funeral home to make dad's arrangements, but that may have only been because it was "dad's" arrangements they were making so they were the ones to do so, not really sure my hub went, think he just went on to work, was content to let it be done by them, if that says anything, probably just thought it was mom's decision even though she's not - or didn't seem to be, but seemed to be making hers - a decision maker - according to them, she sure was making her plans even on the way back, and in such a way really upset them at what they felt was dishonoring of him but we seemed to at least make it through the funeral and meal but seems like not much more before the family definitely seemed to split; know there were all kinds of issues regarding the stuff dad left behind, which all definitely seemed to go to "his" kids, while "hers" worked on making repairs to the house for mom to stay in, but causing problems because dad left the house and plot to one of "her" kids, where all "his" stuff was that nothing was being done with, but "his" son understood it was left to him so he had the right to get it off "her - "her" daughter's - land" with I believe telling/asking? her that he was going to do so at a certain time but either didn't get the message or chose to ignore because having "mom" over for breakfast, so most of the work done and things disposed of by the time they finally showed up so then became quite irate and confronted "his" son about what was going on, although they didn't really care; it was really about what they felt was their attitude about mom's attitude toward the whole thing with dad, really strained the relationship or maybe just opened up what had really been there all along, that had been kept down for dad's sake; was so sad, then got worse when it came time to actually divide the land, partially over not finding the papers for "dad's son's" , since he'd already given it to them - mom had wanted - and dad had gone along with - giving a part to the grandchild who they'd raised and mom had made POA - but this son didn't think she should have her own part any more than any of the rest of the grandchildren but mom begged him not to make a scene and just go along, which he did, but in some ways wish he hadn't for a lot of reasons, but he did, so we'll see what ends up happening - guess my point in all this rambling is to show how all this favorites and jealousy can indeed be
there were some efforts to get things back together but they didn't work too well; there was even one just this past New Year's and it will have been 10 yrs. this year that may have been possibly the closest, in one sense; we'll see how things go as mom's getting to those points now herself; "dad's" son didn't show up, although one of their sons did
oh, if you make it this far, I do want to say kudos to your daughter for being there for you

Babalou,

She knows you meant well, so don't beat yourself up. You and I like to keep it real, so we have a tendency to say what others need to hear instead of sugarcoating, coddling, or being politically correct. Which, in the end, doesn't really help the other person so much.

On a personal front, I'm thankful for my brothers and sisters in this forum. They remind me to check with my brain before opening my mouth. So I'm always asking myself "Am I going to regret this?" Believe me, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else here. They've already suffered enough.

You need to decide to stick to your decision because when the *hits the wall because your sister can't handle being Mom's caregiver... Will you be able to?

I know what it's like to do all that caregiving and then your sibling arrives and pretends that she was there helping the whole time. I know what it's like to NOT want to be fake. Don't be fake. But you can be polite. Just as my siblings tried to force me to "find closure" with dead mom's body in the casket. I have no need to find closure. I have watched mom half of my life slowly deteriorate to the stranger she was when she died. And it still bugs me like crazy, up to now, that people praised my brother-of-next-door of taking very good care of mom. He Rarely came to visit us (even though he lives a few feet from us). So, I know that sense of betrayal you and your daughter must feel about your sibling and your mom trying to force this issue with you. My 7 siblings could never do anything wrong in dad's eyes. I was the bad daughter - even though I was there helping him when I was off from work. I also know that hurt and betrayal when a parent doesn't acknowledge all you have done for them - yet praise the siblings who were too busy to visit (but not too busy to travel several times a year on vacation and rent hotels and eat at restaurants...)

I'm sorry that you and your daughter are now going through this. You both have done a very wonderful job taking care of your father. So, I'm going to give you a Hug for being such caring people. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Go to the funeral and be polite to your siblings - even if you want to 'set things straight.' The funeral is not the place to do this. Sit away from them, if you must. And you can quietly correct people by telling them stories of your dad and your caregiving days. It's called being subtle. "Oh, I remember when dad this, I did that, and we ended up laughing..." .. "We were watching this show... and dad thought this... and I said this..." and we ended up laughing.

I agree with you that since your mom has chosen sis to take over, then back off. You can now concentrate on your family. I agree, too, that you need to try One more thing - and that is to try to protect your mom's money for her future care from sister. Check if what Pam suggested is possible. At least you tried. Once you have done this or tried to, you will have a clear conscience to move on. And let the chips fall.

So they do remember, Babalou; and not knowing the back story they can't really be blamed for misunderstanding what the real problem is all about.

LD, try to put everything on hold for now and just let this sad time pass. Things will get better, and the way ahead will look clearer. Wishing you comfort.

I'm sorry for your loss; I'm sorrier if my advise was taken as too harsh. It came from the heart and from my 60+ years of experience with dysfunctional families and funerals. People remember the person who behaved badly forever, it seems.

If yoru read on this is correct, and not colored by a lot of other family drama, you'll possibly get your mom back when her care gets to be too much. If you can watch from a distance and try to make sure she is not being financially exploited, God bless you but if you find you can't do that and it happens, it is not your fault.

You know the response is going to be a zinger when it includes "my dear. " I was just waiting for it, and boy did it come. Babalou, I found your response unnecessarily harsh. Lovesdad, thanks for the update. Sad situation, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Yes, take care of your husband and daughter, and yourself. You have earned the right to both grieve and vent. a applaud your strength. Seek out things that are healing for yourself. It's your time now.

Since your Mom is in great shape, why not go solo on a long vacation?

Help her make the travel arrangements while you stay home and fight with sister -- and her little dogs too.

lovesdad, so sorry to read about your Dad.... but this week is about your Dad, no one else. Can't the family put aside issues for just one week?

Sorry about Dad. Mom may need a conservator for her own protection. Talk to the attorney who is handling the estate and the Will. Now might be a good time to establish a special needs trust for mom.

Not to put an edge on it, but alot of CGs here would love to have some time to spend with thier hubs, families and homes without caregiving for a bit. Go home after acting nicey nice at the funeral and get your life back! The chips will fall where they will. And if Mom and Sis blow the inheritance on trips and vet bills.. then they get to pick up the pieces.. while you help out from a distance. Things may settle down in a week or two.. or not. But you get your life back!

I feel that your Mother ay just be in shock, in the loos of her husband, S it has only been just 3-4 days. Do your best to give him a beautiful funeral send off, and then let the chips fall where they lay. I'm betting it won't be long before your Mom begins seeing things for how they really are, and if your sister is now here to mooch off of your Mom, well, that will be up to your Mom to decide how she will proceed. At this point, adding additional stress over a visiting sister, is not the right time or place. If your sister has overheard you and your Mom speaking of grand vacations and plans, then she may feel she is entitled to enjoy them with you, deserving or not. Your Mom does not have the emotional capacity to be intercepting barbs between you, your sister and your daughter, no matter whether you are feeling put out about it right now. She is certainly devastated over loosing him, no matter how prepared she may have felt, and even if there was some level of advanced understanding regarding When your Dad would likely pass away, with all there is to planning and executing a funeral, big or small, her mind is whirling with grief, stress, lack of sleep, and probably nourishment. Leave her be, and be as helpful as you can in this first week or two, and then address the visiting sister's motives. But do not add additional stress to the poor dear! Your daughter may well be smart to return home, unless you need her for strength. But you both need to be respectful of your mothers loss, and give her time. I doubt anyone is paking for the Bahamas this week. Much will be revealed in the next few weeks. My other suggestion is to stay close to support your Mom, as You have been the one who has been there caring for so many years! If your sister is here with the intent of mooching, or taking financial advantage of your Mom, she may be quite susceptible to being abused right now, and not only from this sister. There are many seniors who are financially exploited, during the funeral process, and right afterwards, simply because they are discombobulated from the stress of losing their LO. Don't let that happen to her! How well do you know this sister? Is she on drugs or an alcoholic? She doesn't have a job, is this cause for concern? Is she married? Be very careful not to upset Mom right now, as Mothers are usually fiercely protective of ALL of their children, not only the most caring ones, even the ones who have taken advantage over the years. Do you know if your parents financially supported this siater, without your knowledge? So many factors, and too soon after losing Dad, to figure it all out. For now, just be respectful, even if that means you and your own daughter have to bite your tongue. I'm so sorry for your loss, and the stress that has ensued!

I wouldn't normally say anything like 'turn to your Bible' - but in this particular case, only, I do genuinely think re-reading the story of the Prodigal Son would help you take your mother's behaviour less as a betrayal of you or your daughter, and more as a sign of how she feels to have your sisters, her daughters, back in her life. And I especially think that because, speaking for myself, I really felt for the Prodigal Son's responsible older brother - being told to rejoice, being expected to sit there and watch Mr Wastrel stuffing his face with fatted calf. Well tchah! - I used to think, on his behalf. But for the father in that story? He just wanted his son back.

Now. Life makes us cynical, sadly. And I would reserve judgement on how long exactly those daughters will stick around. Particularly if your mother begins to need active help, for example. Let's face it, they'll be out of there like scalded cats; and you, darling girl, will be there to pick up the pieces. But only if you don't let this current, cruel situation get out of hand.

Go the funeral. Be civil to your sisters, just as you would be to any of the other mourners. Focus on the business of the day - laying your father to rest, with all his proper dues. Do one thing at a time, and do not let yourself or your daughter be distracted by people who don't merit your attention.

Look on the bright side of what your sister has done. Now that she's moved in with mom she will be there for your mother like you were there for your father. Now you can go on with your life and not get sucked in a second time because it sounds like you've had quite enough caregiving for one lifetime. My condolences on the loss of your father. Mourn him and may his memory be a blessing to you as you move forward with your husband and daughter.

Lovesdad--
So, so sorry to hear of this. It doesn't help to know that a lot of other people have gone through similar situations as you. But we have, and do.

I also, cannot be "fake" for my mother. I had an abusive brother, when she finally heard about the years of abuse, she blamed me for it. Still does. When he died she said, "I bet you're happy NOW." There's no explanation for these leeches in our lives....they seem to get a free ride as to their behavior.
I have no idea why you mom is doing this. Grief at losing dad, and the sudden return of a prodigal child may make some sense to you.

You have done the right thing for a long time. Go to your dad's funeral and then just let mom be. Easier said, than done, for sure. I'm so sorry about your daughter.

I wonder how long sister will last if Mom's heath starts to fail? Not long, I imagine.

My heart aches for you & your pain. Grieve your dad and know you did what he needed and wanted. Be proud of that. Get away from mom & sister and live a life separate from them. Go on a vacation and just...breathe.
Hugs.

My sympathies on the loss of your father. I've read this response from others re issues with siblings who don't help with elderly parent & the one sibling who did everything: "you can't make anyone do what they choose not to do". Likewise, you can't change how your mom feels. Your daughter is only18 - she has so much of life ahead of her filled with school and/or work, friends. You too can have a life. Give your Mom time ..maybe she will reach out to you.

The rough news is, my dear, that we all make choices in life. The fact that you were there and that your sisters were not does not mean that you get the seat of homor at the service, nor does it mean that your sisters get shunned at that service for not doing what you see as doing what they ought to have.

Now, be the bigger person and stop with the drama. Honor your mother's wishes and your dad's memory by acting like an adult.

UPDATE: A couple of days ago my mom informed me that my sister, who refused to help at all with dad, it coming to dads service and I have to hug her and act like nothing is wrong in front of family. I cant be fake, but i cant talk to her or hug her and reward bad behavior, there are consequences for bad actions Since then my mom has turned her back in me, the person who was there everyday or 4 years, and her granddaughter( my 18 year old daughter) who, up until two days ago, lived with my mom and dad to help me with dad . My sister, who never helped with dad, and REFUSED to help at all, moved in after dads death and has taken over the house. She listens to everything my mom and daughter talks about, mutes the tv so she can hear every word everyone says to mom. My daughter had enough and asked my sister for privacy with her grandmother and was yelled at for it. My daughter left the house and has not gone back. She feels abandoned my my mom. Two days ago my daughter and I had a talk with my mom to try and smooth things out, but we were told we have to accept that both of my sisters refused to help and we have to get over it and treat them as if nothing ever happened and that was it. My mom also told me that she never wants to hear about how I helped my dad anymore! Im the one who drive 40 miles a day, snowstorm or blizzards, took them to every dr appt, did absolutely everything for 4 years, and i begged for help, my mom begged for help from my sisters and NO was always the excuse. I watched my mom cry all the time and would say she cant believe they have abandoned us! Now that was all forgotten by my mom. Its sad really. I told my mom that my sister is mean to my daughter and she wont tolerate it, and my daughter will not just act like my sister is an angel. We cant live a fake life. Its not healthy. My mom is making her own choice to have her daughter, who never did a damn thing, to take over the house and her life, and give up her granddaughter.. My sister brought two dogs, one who is sick and no one will board them because the sickness. Moms now choosing to stay at home and go no where because of the dogs. I cant do this anymore. After dads service next weekend I have to now let it all go and pull my life back together, let my mom do whatever she wants without me. Im heartbroken I have been tossed to the side for the people who didnt care at all to help for years until my dads death. There is no changing diapers, no wiping him, no carrying him around the house, no feeding him, no nothing now. That is what I did everyday. My sister get the easy life of being my moms company now, I was the caretaker with everything on my shoulders and im nothing now. My sister have became the golden children in moms eyes who live fake lives to everyone, but that's not me. I know I did the right thing and I will have peace knowing I was there for my dad when they weren't. I will never forgive my sisters for what they did and wont be fake. I lived a life of hell watching my dad die, while they sat at home. I told my mom as along as my sister lives with her my daughter wont be there and be yelled at and controlled and wont act fake. She said we were sick to treat my sister that way? Perhaps I don't understand, but I cant deal with it anymore. I'm going to take care of my husband and daughter now and get my life back. My mom and my sister can live together and that's moms choice now. I have to pick up the pieces of my daughters broken heart and move on.

Thank you so much everyone. More time is what we need to make any decisions.

I agree with the consensus: 3 days is just not enough time for anyone to be ready to make decisions. Looking forward to travel is great - but you don't need to set off today. Your mother thinking about her life beginning again is great, too - but, again, she doesn't need to do it all today.

Give it a week, at least, for everyone to adjust to the loss of your father. Then revisit the various conversations - don't have them right now, when all the feelings are so raw.

3 days? This is not the time to be making life changing decisions! You need to grieve and mourn and deal with the aftereffects of your dad's death.
And yes, sister's "timely" arrival seems highly suspect. She's just there stirring a pot-when she's had nothing to do with mom & dad for ages? Giant red flags are flying.
Be tough with this sister. I personally am horrible with confrontation and don't do it well--but I can man up and do it. If she's there for some inheritance, well, let her know if she is or isn't inheriting anything (likely not as usually all the assets pass from the deceased spouse right to the living one--dad left us kids nothing)
Let your mom have the grieving time she needs. Yes, a trip would be nice, after a few weeks. But the last person I'd want to take would be the sister with the sick dogs. As far as her feeling guilty-- well, she probably does, but taking her on a nice cruise won't assuage that. She has to deal with her "guilt" on her own.

As soon as it is reasonable, I would tell your story to adult protective services. I'm so sorry for your loss and now, this new drama, My sister is the exact some way. Offered no help, but there to mooch. Do you have other family, like respected aunts or uncles who should be aware? Get them involved. Let your sister know this isn't a free for all.

I'm with Sunny on this one; there's something very suspicious about your sister suddenly wanting to stay and to travel, especially since she doesn't have a job. What would she contribute to the household if your mother is able to care for herself? I'm thinking maybe she got fired or lost her job and needs a place to stay.

I do agree that it's much too soon after your father's death to be making life changing decisions, but that also applies to both your mother and sister.

Giving her the benefit of a doubt, she might be suffering from guilt because she hasn't been involved, and now wants to be involved with her remaining parent, but I think there are some underlying financial issues that haven't surfaced yet.

It is mom's decision. Maybe, she needs a little time to grieve and get her thoughts sorted. I'd give that some time.

If mom is vulnerable and susceptible to being taken advantage of, I would try to nip that in the bud. Has mom signed a Durable POA and Healthcare POA? I'd get that done ASAP, if not. That way you will have authority to make some decisions if mom can't later on. It sounds like you and sister may not work well together.

Things to consider:
Has sister abandoned her home? Doesn't she have bills to pay at her home, utilities, etc. What's going on there?
Why is her dog sick? Do they need medical attention? Maybe that's why they are constantly barking. Keeping them in a crate 23 hrs a day is cruel. I would not tolerate this. Does she have money for vet visit? The dogs need it if they are sick.
How many clothes did sister bring? Is she camped out for the long haul. I wouldn't want a moocher to camp out too long if she is not going to help mom. I'd keep my eye on that. Are you staying in the house with mom too?
Are the constantly barking dogs bothering mom? I'd be blunt about that.

So, while sister's visit is up to your mom, I'd keep my eye on her. Sometimes, parents reward the most ungrateful and laziest child in the bunch.

OH, is sister waiting around in hopes of getting something from dad's Will? Maybe if she gets something, she'll leave.

Sorry for your loss..

But unfortunately Mom needs to make her own decision if Sister stays or goes...

Whoa!!! Your dad died 3 days ago? It seems to me as though everyone needs dome time to grieve, to readjust. Is mom planning on travelling next week? No? Then I'd stop fussing at everyone about their plans.

You must be terribly bereft and upset about your dad's death. Focus on you right now. Be good to yourself. Plenty of sleep, fresh air, healthy food and exercise. Maybe see a grief counselor and talk about your situation. You are decompressing from stressful caregiving and your dad's loss. Don't alienate your sister by lashing out. You are feeling strong emotions that are looking for an outlet.