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My amazing father passed away three days ago. I was his caregiver for 4 years with Altzheimers. I asked my sisters to help out with him over and over, and the answer was always NO. I put my life on hold to take care of my dad. I drove 40 miles every day to take care of him for 4 years. My sister lives 4 hours away and visited 2 times a year, thats it! No help at all, even after I begged. Well last week I called her and told her dad has a seizure and has 24 to a week to live. She came own with her 2 sick dogs, who are cages 23 hours a day, and bark constanty! Now my father passed away and she is now staying? My mom is 80 and is in amazing shape. We dont need her help now. So now my mom wants to travel, but my sister has two dogs and you can't travel with dogs. Now my mom feels obligated to stay home! I offered to drive my sister and her dgs hie today so mom can live her life after dad and she said no. She said you can travel without me. She knows my mom would never leave her home. My sister is now asking to travel with us? She has no money and no job! She is expecting my mom to pay for her to go to Alaska and Australia? Its sad she now wants to stay after dads gone, but refused to help when he was alive! How do i get her to leave and my mom to let her go?

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Whoa!!! Your dad died 3 days ago? It seems to me as though everyone needs dome time to grieve, to readjust. Is mom planning on travelling next week? No? Then I'd stop fussing at everyone about their plans.

You must be terribly bereft and upset about your dad's death. Focus on you right now. Be good to yourself. Plenty of sleep, fresh air, healthy food and exercise. Maybe see a grief counselor and talk about your situation. You are decompressing from stressful caregiving and your dad's loss. Don't alienate your sister by lashing out. You are feeling strong emotions that are looking for an outlet.
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I agree with the consensus: 3 days is just not enough time for anyone to be ready to make decisions. Looking forward to travel is great - but you don't need to set off today. Your mother thinking about her life beginning again is great, too - but, again, she doesn't need to do it all today.

Give it a week, at least, for everyone to adjust to the loss of your father. Then revisit the various conversations - don't have them right now, when all the feelings are so raw.
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Look on the bright side of what your sister has done. Now that she's moved in with mom she will be there for your mother like you were there for your father. Now you can go on with your life and not get sucked in a second time because it sounds like you've had quite enough caregiving for one lifetime. My condolences on the loss of your father. Mourn him and may his memory be a blessing to you as you move forward with your husband and daughter.
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It is mom's decision. Maybe, she needs a little time to grieve and get her thoughts sorted. I'd give that some time.

If mom is vulnerable and susceptible to being taken advantage of, I would try to nip that in the bud. Has mom signed a Durable POA and Healthcare POA? I'd get that done ASAP, if not. That way you will have authority to make some decisions if mom can't later on. It sounds like you and sister may not work well together.

Things to consider:
Has sister abandoned her home? Doesn't she have bills to pay at her home, utilities, etc. What's going on there?
Why is her dog sick? Do they need medical attention? Maybe that's why they are constantly barking. Keeping them in a crate 23 hrs a day is cruel. I would not tolerate this. Does she have money for vet visit? The dogs need it if they are sick.
How many clothes did sister bring? Is she camped out for the long haul. I wouldn't want a moocher to camp out too long if she is not going to help mom. I'd keep my eye on that. Are you staying in the house with mom too?
Are the constantly barking dogs bothering mom? I'd be blunt about that.

So, while sister's visit is up to your mom, I'd keep my eye on her. Sometimes, parents reward the most ungrateful and laziest child in the bunch.

OH, is sister waiting around in hopes of getting something from dad's Will? Maybe if she gets something, she'll leave.
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3 days? This is not the time to be making life changing decisions! You need to grieve and mourn and deal with the aftereffects of your dad's death.
And yes, sister's "timely" arrival seems highly suspect. She's just there stirring a pot-when she's had nothing to do with mom & dad for ages? Giant red flags are flying.
Be tough with this sister. I personally am horrible with confrontation and don't do it well--but I can man up and do it. If she's there for some inheritance, well, let her know if she is or isn't inheriting anything (likely not as usually all the assets pass from the deceased spouse right to the living one--dad left us kids nothing)
Let your mom have the grieving time she needs. Yes, a trip would be nice, after a few weeks. But the last person I'd want to take would be the sister with the sick dogs. As far as her feeling guilty-- well, she probably does, but taking her on a nice cruise won't assuage that. She has to deal with her "guilt" on her own.
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UPDATE: A couple of days ago my mom informed me that my sister, who refused to help at all with dad, it coming to dads service and I have to hug her and act like nothing is wrong in front of family. I cant be fake, but i cant talk to her or hug her and reward bad behavior, there are consequences for bad actions Since then my mom has turned her back in me, the person who was there everyday or 4 years, and her granddaughter( my 18 year old daughter) who, up until two days ago, lived with my mom and dad to help me with dad . My sister, who never helped with dad, and REFUSED to help at all, moved in after dads death and has taken over the house. She listens to everything my mom and daughter talks about, mutes the tv so she can hear every word everyone says to mom. My daughter had enough and asked my sister for privacy with her grandmother and was yelled at for it. My daughter left the house and has not gone back. She feels abandoned my my mom. Two days ago my daughter and I had a talk with my mom to try and smooth things out, but we were told we have to accept that both of my sisters refused to help and we have to get over it and treat them as if nothing ever happened and that was it. My mom also told me that she never wants to hear about how I helped my dad anymore! Im the one who drive 40 miles a day, snowstorm or blizzards, took them to every dr appt, did absolutely everything for 4 years, and i begged for help, my mom begged for help from my sisters and NO was always the excuse. I watched my mom cry all the time and would say she cant believe they have abandoned us! Now that was all forgotten by my mom. Its sad really. I told my mom that my sister is mean to my daughter and she wont tolerate it, and my daughter will not just act like my sister is an angel. We cant live a fake life. Its not healthy. My mom is making her own choice to have her daughter, who never did a damn thing, to take over the house and her life, and give up her granddaughter.. My sister brought two dogs, one who is sick and no one will board them because the sickness. Moms now choosing to stay at home and go no where because of the dogs. I cant do this anymore. After dads service next weekend I have to now let it all go and pull my life back together, let my mom do whatever she wants without me. Im heartbroken I have been tossed to the side for the people who didnt care at all to help for years until my dads death. There is no changing diapers, no wiping him, no carrying him around the house, no feeding him, no nothing now. That is what I did everyday. My sister get the easy life of being my moms company now, I was the caretaker with everything on my shoulders and im nothing now. My sister have became the golden children in moms eyes who live fake lives to everyone, but that's not me. I know I did the right thing and I will have peace knowing I was there for my dad when they weren't. I will never forgive my sisters for what they did and wont be fake. I lived a life of hell watching my dad die, while they sat at home. I told my mom as along as my sister lives with her my daughter wont be there and be yelled at and controlled and wont act fake. She said we were sick to treat my sister that way? Perhaps I don't understand, but I cant deal with it anymore. I'm going to take care of my husband and daughter now and get my life back. My mom and my sister can live together and that's moms choice now. I have to pick up the pieces of my daughters broken heart and move on.
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The rough news is, my dear, that we all make choices in life. The fact that you were there and that your sisters were not does not mean that you get the seat of homor at the service, nor does it mean that your sisters get shunned at that service for not doing what you see as doing what they ought to have.

Now, be the bigger person and stop with the drama. Honor your mother's wishes and your dad's memory by acting like an adult.
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Lovesdad--
So, so sorry to hear of this. It doesn't help to know that a lot of other people have gone through similar situations as you. But we have, and do.

I also, cannot be "fake" for my mother. I had an abusive brother, when she finally heard about the years of abuse, she blamed me for it. Still does. When he died she said, "I bet you're happy NOW." There's no explanation for these leeches in our lives....they seem to get a free ride as to their behavior.
I have no idea why you mom is doing this. Grief at losing dad, and the sudden return of a prodigal child may make some sense to you.

You have done the right thing for a long time. Go to your dad's funeral and then just let mom be. Easier said, than done, for sure. I'm so sorry about your daughter.

I wonder how long sister will last if Mom's heath starts to fail? Not long, I imagine.

My heart aches for you & your pain. Grieve your dad and know you did what he needed and wanted. Be proud of that. Get away from mom & sister and live a life separate from them. Go on a vacation and just...breathe.
Hugs.
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Sorry for your loss..

But unfortunately Mom needs to make her own decision if Sister stays or goes...
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I'm with Sunny on this one; there's something very suspicious about your sister suddenly wanting to stay and to travel, especially since she doesn't have a job. What would she contribute to the household if your mother is able to care for herself? I'm thinking maybe she got fired or lost her job and needs a place to stay.

I do agree that it's much too soon after your father's death to be making life changing decisions, but that also applies to both your mother and sister.

Giving her the benefit of a doubt, she might be suffering from guilt because she hasn't been involved, and now wants to be involved with her remaining parent, but I think there are some underlying financial issues that haven't surfaced yet.
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