Can my sister come after us for financial assistance for Mom?

Honestly I would spend some money on an elder attorney and see just what the laws are and just what you are responsible for. I would also let sister know that if she wants money then unlimited visitation comes with that. Sis can't have it both ways. If you and your brother are helping to pay for things then you and your brother should have a say in your mom's care and how money is spent on mom - assuming you want that. Money you give her should be exclusively for your mom's care or respite care so your sister can have a break unless you give your sis a break and watch mom when she needs it.

I have my MIL living with us. My Husband is an only child so we don't have to deal with siblings. She had a stroke 18 mos ago but also has Dementia, Psychosis, high anxiety disorder, and clinical depression. For now we are caring for her and I am her POA. Even with that I am not required to fund her care from my private assets. (but I'm not in CA). We just had my FIL pass away from similar dementia etc in a nursing home so this isn't my first time down this road. I am a big supporter in lets find the best care for a parent and that doesn't always mean at home with family. I know for me once my MIL can't bath herself, toilet herself, starts to roam etc then I will be looking for a nursing home for her where professionally trained staff can give her the care she deserves to have.

I have an elder attorney that keeps me on track legally because with the Omama Care plan that still is in flux things can change monthly - so well worth the money. There are lots of agencies out there that can assist with lots of care items that are covered by Medicare, you just have to have to apply for them on your mothers behalf (if she has been declared incompetent). I actually get a few times a year grant money to help pay for Adult Day Care expenses from one of the local agencies in my area. Just received $1300 to pay for 2 months worth of care. Also because her income is just SS to live on there are lots of assistance programs out there to help pay for groceries, etc. but they have to be applied for and many folks don't want "charity" etc.

Is your sister Legally the POA or legal guardian (court would have to have been involved for guardianship) and if so has the POA been activated with a doctors note? If not then technically your mother is still considered to be responsible for herself and can still sign documents etc. That should be put in place before mom gets any worse.

In the end my feeling is if you are giving money then you should have a say as to what to do with mom, be able to visit anytime you want (even without money), and if sis doesn't like that then she can take full responsibility both financially and physically.

Wow .. if u have money support financially what you seem unwilling to do yourself ..I would choose the writing of a check over the care of someone with dementia anyday ...count ur blessings that she is willing and don't expect a thank you from her she probably dosent get one from you for the sacrifices she making ....

Is Mom on Medicaid? If she cannot afford to support herself with her own assets and income, that is the option to consider.

Is your unwillingness to contribute to Mom's finances based on your own financial inability, your belief that Mom does not/should not need financial help, your conflicts with your sister, your relationship with your mother, or ??

Things would certainly go more smoothly if you and your siblings could discuss an overall plan for Mother and have some basic agreements in place.

This post really scared me so I did some research. In my state we do have filial responsibility laws but they are very vague and open ended. Basically it says that children of "sufficient means" can be ordered to help support their elderly parents if that parent is deemed unable to support and maintain themselves. It would be up to a court to decide the particulars but from what I am reading the parent does need to be poor. They can sometimes own a home because they do need shelter however.

I don't know what the standards are for the children to be of sufficient means nor could I find out just how much the children would be asked to pay.

If you have the means and decide to help your Mom out I would not just hand money over to your sister, perhaps you could assume some of the grocery shopping or bill paying. If it were me I would also look further into visitation. Has you sister given you any reason WHY your visits are upsetting to your Mom? Have you seen evidence of this yourself?

I don't know anything about this but the responses are alarming. If I were forced to pay for my elderly parents care I would soon be indigent myself. Our income is very modest. We make enough to get by on.. thats it. The idea that a state can cause children to loose their home over paying for parents medical care is appalling.
Your story makes me sad. I'm sorry your sister is keeping you from seeing your Mom.

moms1of6 pegstegman is correct in stating it could be the state; however, you should call California's medicare ombudsman for more information. Googling Peg's information, she is correct that California has that law but I also read that rarely do they come after the children. States' budgets are changing rapidly causing new actions needed.

Dementia is such a fooler. I have and am going through that experience and only a brain scan reveals how far along the patient is. I'm not sure what your sister knows about dementia but it gets ugly. Please be thankful that she is doing this for now. Your mom, in her next stages, could turn on her. You never mentioned mom's age.

That being said, owning a home still brings on costs. Beg to differ over home costs being cheaper as older homes do require upgrades. Roofs, electrical, plumbing and elder upgrades are quite pricey. If your mom lives in a newer home, then all should be good. This is not what I have experienced.

Please consider this. Our society is pushing to live longer. Unfortunately, as medicine has provided this, it was never realized that their success has created new issues for the aging that are in the process of being addressed -- the costs, the environment they live in and how can they be cared for. If you have some dollars you can spare, please consider helping. But only you can decide that. Folks living off of minimum wages or even $15.00, with benefits (or without), can hardly afford to take care of themselves let alone their parents. And there is the need for all of you to be putting money away for your own elder care if you are reaching that age.

Keep us posted about what you hear about California, please.

First sorry to learn your sister is restricting visits with your mother. I don't think legally a child can be forced to pay for the care of their elder parent. Some countries do require it but the USA does not codify payment by children.

Now I do think if your sister is the primary care giver, a meeting should be held to figure out how much money is required each month for mom to live at home. The sister has to be able to leave home and have someone a companion or home health aide stay with mom to make sure she is safe. That isn't "free" so money will be needed. Also what type of retirement plan, ss, medicare (medicare part b or d fees) does mom have. Once someone is disabled many thing medical equipment, canes, walkers, hospital beds, bed rails and on and on is needed some paid by medicare but most not covered. Expect to pay in the neighborhood of $500 to $1000 a month on the things needed which are not covered, and insurance costs.

Yet all of the at home costs pale in comparison to what it costs to care for the person in a NH. Most people are not able to pay for it but the cost is shifted to the public by Medicaid. NH are not crazy about having Medicaid patients as they are not able to charge the individual the higher rates for care. Basically Medicaid patients are given charity care. Not the retirement most have or would have planned for themselves.

I would see if the 3 children could come up with a monthly dollar amount to cover mom's needs. If mom has savings for a rainy day, it is raining and the funds need to make her days comfortable.

Good luck. Taking care of an elder is costly, it just is.

WHAT??? D*mn you, spellcheck, d*mn you - "altar" I mean, of course.

Ooooo dear. I'm not sure you won't want a more sympathetic audience than you might get here, but my instinctive reaction is to ask "why does she have to 'come after you'?" Is your concern for your mother based on how often you're allowed to see her, or whether she sends appreciative little thank you notes?

As a matter of fact, I do accept your point of view: that if your sister wants to throw herself on the alter of caring for darling mama then that's her business; that you are not and shouldn't be held responsible for your mother's decisions; that people who are asking for favours would be wise to be a little more gracious about it. The difficulty is that you're talking to people who are bruised and battered from the reality of 24/7 care for elders - it does nothing for our manners or our tempers, and I imagine the same thing goes for your sister. Be as generous as you can.

Some 30 states (including California) currently have laws making adult children responsible for their parents' care. It won't be your sister coming after you, it will be the NH suing and winning payment for care. I think it would be cheaper to send your sister 10% of your pay, rather than a collection agency taking your house.