Can my sister come after us for financial assistance for Mom?

So to me you need a paycheck. Document all that you spent for taking care of your Mother. Those should be her expenses and not your life savings. Give her and your siblings a bill for your services with expectation of a certain date. Use this as a business - if your Mom has the assets she should pay you - if not you will need help from the other famly members.

Sounds like Moms1of6 just wants to reassure herself that her sibling's threats are toothless. Always good to know when any kind of blackmail might be on horizon.

Obligation of children to help parent financially would only apply if Mom were destitute - since this is not the case, there is no moral obligation. I suppose filial responsibility laws could come into picture, but I don't think in this case - seems that what Sis wants is to make her sibs hand over money to her- some kind of power trip. Whatever Sis wants to do, or says she does, is her free choice and siblings would have no obligation to pay Sis under these circumstances. Any payment for Sis's help should come from Mom's funds since Mom has funds which should fairly be used for Mom's own care. Basically it sounds to me like Sis just wants to harass siblings, rope them into her drama etc.. Unfortunately, there are cases of very dysfunctional families where caregiving of parents is used as a pretext to work out other, nasty agendas. Anyone going no or low contact is a threat because they are refusing to be roped in.

Wow sorry ...everything is so much clearer now ... I hope you indeed are not further held financially responsible for her ...after helping with her for 20 years ...I'm sorry for the minipulation that's gone on bless you for your sacrifice

Great answers everyone, but ... unless you read my previous posts, you can not understand. Yes, I've taken care of mom for over twenty years (without any help from any siblings). I've paid off one of her high credit cards, was paying off another when another sibling took home mom's checkbook (with mom's approval) to find where all of her money was going. She gave the checkbook to Sis (who is now in control of mom). Sis had abandoned the family at 15 family, comes back. Sis likes control and doesn't want an aide in mom's home (afraid of losing control and power over mom). States that mom is doing better now that I am out of the pic. Taking her off some of her meds, because she is doing so well. She "expects" money from everyone now that she knows what mom needs. Mom does get a pension and half of my dad's military retirement. Financially, she isn't hurting. Bro sends money monthly, because he wants to. Mom is getting medicaid, but has a large deductible because she has too much money. .Sis feels everyone should contribute, because she is there for mom (though, she only visits several times a week, but she does call her daily - unsure if she does, but will assume she does). Bro 2 visits her every 3-4 months for a couple of days (lives out of town). Bro 1 was visiting her often, but she told him not to come. He still contributes and has bought her her favorite mags., videos and a video projector (which she told him she doesn't want any of it), a harmonica (she use to play at a younger age, she kept this). Mom and I use to be very close, but when sis started
talking with mom, things were taking a turn. I didn't mind at the time, but what I do mind is the fact that sis has brainwashed mom into thinking Bro 1 and myself are no good for her (trouble and that we lie, steal from her-maybe more me than him). I was accused of stealing all her jewelry (even though she only wore a wedding ring thirty-forty yrs ago). I was accused of calling her names (she emailed this to my siblings and degraded her in ???). So, yes, I dislike my sis right now, because of what she is doing. Do I hate Her? No, because she is my sis and I no longer want t have anything to do with her or her ways of control. If mom thinks and believes she's from heaven, I have to let go, because in mom's eyes, I am the one who is no good.

Your mom's health is the primary consideration here: If your sister and your mother agree that your presence aggravates her Crohns, then you need to take them at their word regardless of whether or not your contribute. If that is indeed true, then it's not quid pro quo anyhow. So .. don't take that personally.

Second, if it is within your means, and you know that it would help your mom and your sister, and you are secure enough in knowing and asserting your own boundaries, then I would consider helping them financially.

I don't know you and don't want to judge. There are articles here all the time about narcissistic parents who drive their kids batty. If you think that they're both that way, then you need to tell them 'no,' once, with compassion and kindness. Then, you need to ignore subsequent requests from them, without writing them out of your life completely.

Amy Grace, please tell me your friend's father got out of that situation.

I agree with Twiedybird. So many of you are attacking Moms1of6 and you don't know enough about the situation. It sounds like she is not allowed to see her mother and has no say in anything and doesn't even know her mother's condition any more. If I was in that situation, I would be really reluctant to give any money unless I could visit my mother and reassure myself she was being well cared for and knew the money is used for her. I would also have a legitimate concern about finances if my sister put mom in a nursing home and I had no input and no information about Mom's physical and mental state and whether it was a good place or not, or beyond my means to pay for it. It is wonderful her sister wants to care for her mother, but we don't know why and how. By all means, she should share in expenses and help, but she needs to be involved and it sounds like she has been shut out.
I say this because I had a friend whose sister moved their father out of his home (increasing dementia) when her mother died. She moved him into her home and refused to allow my friend to see him. She heard through the grapevine that her sister was going out more and her standard of living went up! Turns out she was spending all his retirement checks as they arrived each month and also using his savings "supposedly" on him. My friend finally sneaked in their home to see him, he was in tears he was so happy she came. His dementia was not that bad that he didn't miss her, and he was unhappy. It turned out sister was using him for the extra income, she was locking him in one room, he was dirty, not fed right and suffering from numerous ailments which were going untreated.

I hear you there, GardenArtist. I didn't want to take either side, but there's definitely more going on there than meets the eye.

Susan, I did check the OP's other posts and some of her responses. Thanks for that alert.

Not only did I find an inconsistency about the financial contribution situation, it appears as if there is in fact an ongoing history of bad relations but that the questions and "requests" for help still continue, without any mention of what action, if any, the OP has taken to address the situation.

My position is that if help and advice are requested, the solicitor has at least some obligation to address the grievances. I'm not getting that impression.

Nor has the OP returned to this thread to comment.

I feel like I've been conned -- I am sooo out of this thread!

I already consulted two attorneys about the same issue. I care for my mother, and provide her with all of her needs. My brothers provide zero, zip, nada. The financial burden on my husband and I is severe and great. I was advised by both attorneys that there is no law that a child must pay for or provide care for a parent.

I would strongly recommend anyone with questions about the OP's situation to go to her profile and read her previous posts. This is not the first time she has posted here, and there is a history of problems with the sibling caring for her mother.

I'm not taking one side or the other on this, just saying there are always things going on behind the scenes that we don't know about. Please take time to read over previous posts from the OP to get an idea of what's going on there. Things are not always as they seem.

Unless you spent Mom's money on things not related to her care/rent then I highly doubt you have anything to worry about.

Hopefully Sis is spending Mom's money on Mom or she'll have to answer medicaid if needed or if Mom has a will with assets left to her children Sis will have to answer to you!

The question is specifically whether she has financial obligation and is concerned if she doesn't- she fears legal recourse which is a statement that she only fears being in legal trouble. The other statement doesn't imply mom is living with sister " since she said "my sister said I was specifically not to go to mom's house because *I* upset her. She goes on to say "Mom agrees". This question in my opinion does not imply in any way that she wants to help but rather wants to cover bases of getting into trouble legally. Although I understand where 1of6 is coming from , Its a compound answer to a simple answer- NO. She isn't legally liable- and stated clearly- mom has asked you to stay away and sister is caregiver by choice and is enforcing request. I do wish your family could unite- I hope you will ask why you upset mom and deal with that so you can have quality time with her before she passes. All other perceptions of our own circumstances doesn't apply. You are off the hook legally- now decide what you want to do.

I noticed that too JoEna1. Clearly, we didn't have enough info I suppose and I think it is natural for our responses to come from our own experiences. I understand that some folks think caregivers are "in it" for unsavory reasons. I can't even imagine using caregiving as a means to pull a fast one as it is the hardest, most heartbreaking thing I will ever do. I have been here for my parents all of my life, even when I didn't live here, I gave up my weekends and my vacations to come home and help with various issues, always handled the business end of things for them, while the sibling lived his life, had his children, and allowed his wife to curse me and belittle my parents and use our family as her own personal banking institution. Still we were good to her and to him and now even with wife #2, it has not changed and they seem to enjoy getting in their jabs and remarks about me even though he has informed me that if it gets to be too much for me we will put Mama in a NH and sell her house. So clearly he is not going to step in and yet all he does and all he has ever done is criticize. I think I would like to have seen some more input from the OP after some comments were made. Perhaps we would have known more about the situation. The profile indicated they were the one living at home as the caregiver so it was a little confusing. And rightly or wrongly, I responded based on my situation...which I think is pretty much what most folks do...I do wish them well and hope they can work it out. Obviously, in a perfect world, what SHOULD happen is all siblings work together in harmony and for the safety, love and security of the loved one...and whoever is the primary caregiver SHOULD be appreciated for what they do without having to write a thank you note when a sibling brings a pack of depends or whatever. On the rare occasion my sibling has given us anything I always thank him profusely, more than once. Of course we don't live in a perfect world............just doing the best I can do.....

I've read all of the comments including those who slapped the writs of others for being too harsh or too subjective. I wholeheartedly accept their chastisement because they are caregivers, too, and have walked in my shoes. However, first consider that the poster's question was to learn if they had any liability if their mother was placed in a NH or AL. What better place to seek advice than in the opposition's camp? The poster must know that caregivers on this site freely share information and out of necessity have educated themselves about some aspects of family law. Many of us use the Web to research everything because we undertake the responsibility for another person's life very seriously. Second, if the poster is a truly a caring child, wouldn't they have used this forum to explain their circumstances, financial and otherwise? Instead they seemed to justify their non-assistance by stating that the brother who gives money is not thanked by the custodial sibling or the mother. Is that love? They did not ask for the caregiver's point of view on how to mend fences with her sister. She did not ask for alternative ways to help her mother. But many of you gave advice anyway. That tells me a lot about your hearts because that's what you want for yourselves -- family cohesion, peace, and support. One of the commenters reminded us that not all caregivers have good intentions, that some do it for their own benefit. I am sure this is true. But from what I've read, that is not true of the majority of people who use this forum. I sincerely wish moms1of6 well, her siblings and her mother all the best. Perhaps by comment was a knee-jerk reaction based on my own experiences. But experience is the best teacher.

your sister cannot come after you for financial care however if mom is placed into a state or county Run facility it is a possibility.I would think that if mom agrees that you upset her too much when you visit then mom has pretty much so ended your relationship with her and sister should not expect money. If you aren't feeling responsible- move on and cut all communication with sis too since she took over willingly she shouldn't be demanding money. Depending on your state, she can become a licensed caregiver and get paid to care for mom if the situation fits. Sounds like moms dementia was treated with meds which helps slow progress but doesn't heal. Bottomline decision- either cut all ties and communication or send a check no strings attached. One should never give with expectations if even a thank you- else you become resentful- expectations are the root of all bitter people.

I am a confused. 1of6's bio leads me to believe she is mom's caregiver. If that is the case where does the sib figure in as caregiver? It is impossible to give an answer to any inquiry if we don't have the right information regarding the situation.

I agree that siblings should at least do something to help take care of an aging parent. In my family, I have a brother who lived off of my parent for years and now will not lift one finger to help. He refuses to work, so he cannot contribute financially, but I think he could visit occasionally. He does nothing, and then goes on Facebook and tells everyone what a b**ch I am. I fully understand this happens in every family, and I sure wish Pennsylvania would go after these slackers. It is disgusting to take and take, and then expect one person to do it all. Some people do not have a moral compass so they must be legislated into it. It is selfish for siblings to "parent Dump!" I hope you do have legal recourse to get some fiscal help. Sue them thoroughly!

I have a somewhat different perspective, having seen a similar situation in which the caregiver was unstable, hated her sister, felt that her parents were cruel to her (they definitely were not) and was using the caregiving situation to her own benefit, not only to harass her siblings but to retaliate against her parents for perceived injustices.

To the OP: First, unless you and the family/sister have a written agreement, specifying contributions from each, I don’t see how your sister could legally force you to contribute or “come after you” for funds for your mother’s care. She has no legal standing to do so - there is no basis for suit unless you have legally committed to arrangements which are subsequently breached.

She likely would also have to “open her checkbook” and provide documentation on expenses and her contributory portion, as well as how much of your mother’s funds she used.

That’s assuming that your mother remains at home, which I think under the circumstances is likely to happen because it allows your caregiver sister to maintain control, especially of your mother, and to enhance her campaign against your nonfinancial participation. This might be part of her emotional need.

Second, I would insist that your sister provide weekly and/or monthly expenditure lists, breaking down amounts spent on food, prepared meals (such as Meals on Wheels), transportation, medical supplies, devices, etc. In other words, everything she claims is being spent on Mom. Then either agree to a portion, or agree to buy some of things yourself. Make payments by check and keep your own records. Never, never ever give cash.

I am betting, however, that your sister would not allow you to bring over any supplies or such as it would give you the opportunity to see your mother, and control is one of the things she apparently needs to establish.

Third, any agreement should also address and provide for visitation rights. You’re entitled to see your mother unless independent medical or other professionals document otherwise.

Fourth, I might even consider involving an elder care attorney so that sister knows you’re willing to step up to your responsibilities but are not going to be intimidated by the emotionality of the situation.

Given the friction with your sister, I wouldn’t be surprised if she later claims that she wasn’t reimbursed or was forced to spend so much of her own money that your mother decided to (a) change her will (b) give sister more money now ( c ) make some other changes, which may or may not be true, to compensate the caregiver sister. I’ve seen this happen.

Fifth, I have first hand experience with the very negative aspects of someone who is emotionally unstable and uses caregiving to retaliate against both parents and siblings. And FYI, the emotional instability was determined by sources outside the family well before the daughter became self-appointed caregiver.

Sixth, there’s another issue and that’s one of the sister taking a controlling and dominating position in control of your mother. She may have her own personality and personal reasons for wanting sole control. I’m not sure it’s altruistic, either.

So protect yourself and document everything, including texts, conversations, etc. I think this could become a volatile situation over the years. In fact, I would try to limit communication to written ones so that they can be documented.


I understand the general attitude expressed by posters here in support of the caregiver, and ordinarily I would agree with that had I not experienced a situation in which the emotionally unstable person with tremendous needs to control her parents in their last stages of life enthusiastically moved into the caregiving role, expanded her ongoing self-pity, and blamed her sister’s family for not supporting her. This unstable person not only denied access by her sister to their mother but denied access to other family members as well.

What was learned only much later after legal involvement was necessary was the extent to which the caregiving sister fleeced her mother’s assets and instituted action to deprive her sister of her rightful inheritance.

So folks, before you condemn the OP, recognize that there might be another side to the sister who wants control of their mother.

And recognize as Twiedybird astutely pointed out that whether we support the OP or the sister, we're basing our remarks on limited information.

You can recycle the deceased. Mom contacted the University of Buffalo medical school and signed over her body. They pick up the body and return the ashes about 2 years later. Free.

Hope22, I know I shouldn't but I laughed like a drain at your burial plan anecdote - "don't worry, I'll drop myself off at the recycling centre shall I?"

Oh my God it is a cynical world. Alas.

Well, it's only been 3 days since the question was first posted. If I had been the poster, I might have read the first few posts and never come back. And that might not be because I was the typical selfish sibling who doesn't care-give.

We had a chance to enlighten this person as to the difficulty of caregiving...instead many of us decided to vent all of our anger based on our own situations, on this sibling. We don't know enough about this poster to know whether his/her concerns are valid or not. There are, believe it or not, situations where a manipulative sibling promises the world to mom, gets mom on his/her side, uses the caregiving role to, in fact, take care of self. (Some people have babies for the same reason!) Not every one is nurturing, and motivated like those on this forum who selflessly give their life for their caregiving...some do it for selfish reasons, and don't even use the money for "mom"...

So, I think we have to really restrain reacting emotionally to someone asking for help. We need to get more information before we blast them. This might not have been the typical insensitive non-caregiver. It might have been a concerned adult child who is confronted with a sibling's manipulations and needing help. We may never know. But hopefully we will learn from this.

A hug to all on this forum for selfless giving...we know who we are...and others may never understand what we've done fully...that's life. Let's not harbor bitterness...let's support each other and enlighten whoever we can...

I agree that siblings should not keep other siblings from seeing the parent.....however, if a sibling or in law or whatever is causing problems every time they come and upsetting the person being cared for OR the caregiver, then a plan needs to be worked out to either work together or stay away...the last thing a caregiver needs is someone coming in, bossing around, belittling, sniping and criticizing the efforts of the caregiver ...particularly in situations where the other siblings/family have no intention of taking up the gauntlet and doing the work themselves...

hope22, I will do most anything for my mom, but my sisters have been forewarned, they will NEVER get me to so much as lift a finger if they need my help - - - what goes around comes around.

...and I apologize if I sounded rude to you, that is not my intent. What I like about this site is that people are very straightforward and they rarely mince words to get the point across. Personally I would much rather be confronted by a bunch of Care-givers than by any of my "so-called" friends because we are usually a lot more focused on the needs of the parent than on the needs of our siblings. It is a shame that you can't see your parent. I have actually been accused by my sibs of holding mom hostage and other ridiculous things, so thank you if you haven't taken it that far, and please, send them every $10 you can, offer a big prayer for love and patience to prevail, and if you really care about your family get busy finding out how to help out if you have no money to contribute. -Hope this helps you find some peace.

One note that I will add re the whole sibling issue and financial matters....my brother did inquire of me as to whether I had purchased a burial policy for myself....because they would not be able to do anything about that....I calmly told him, don't worry about that....no I have not done that, but when it happens just do the cheapest route if at all or throw me down the hill in the back yard as I could care less when I am gone what you do with me. When I was alive is what mattered and I already got that message loud and clear.

OMG...hadenough, I know where you're coming from. I left my job, pulled my retirement, lost my insurance and am about to lose my house to foreclosure now...all of it my choice of course, would do it again...BUT....also receive ZERO financial help from the sibling or anyone else. I have used all my retirement income to help with living expenses, I go without to be sure that Mom gets whatever she needs, I have long ago given up any of life's little extras, if it ever gets colored these days, my hair is #9A out of the box Loreal, I am wearing the same four outfits over and over because all of my things are still in my home because I cannot get anyone to stay with my Mom long enough for me to go and retrieve my belongings....so it is a touchy subject for me when I see siblings who are not the primary caregiver griping about where the money is going. Where do people think money goes...bills, medical bills, nutritional supplement bills, all of it is expensive and after an enormous amount of copays after a horrible in home accident that put us all here, Mom's social security is scarely enough to get us through each month just getting the necessities...dear God you can look at me and immediately know I am not spending one dime on myself. I have even sold scrap metal from our garage to try and supplement our income. Most "sitters" charge $10/hour in this area...just sitting down and figuring that out should give any nay sayers an idea of what they would be paying out of pocket, even their half of that, to pay for a round the clock sitter for a loved one...and folks who cook, clean, etc. charge even more. I have never asked for money except on rare occasions when we were running out of Depends and then I would enjoy a grilling of where is your money going????? Knowing how my brother and his wife have to have the finest of everything, I would like to see them even try to live off of what Mom and I exist on. And we have been able to make it. Mom has done without nothing. I have made sure of that. I have had a lot of sleepless, worrisome days and nights, I have had to find homeopathic cures for myself instead of going to a doctor because forget that, a doctor's visit isn't happening right now. The one time I complained about a migraine, my brother told me, "you're life would be a lot better if you stopped feeling so sorry for yourself"....oh well, I guess it would.....so yes, shame on family members who sit on the sides and criticize everything and contribute nothing, but yet want to nag the h*ll out of the caregiver who is having to make it happen on meager income. And yes, it is what it is...and it is sad that it has to be that way....and even stranger, I know that if my brother ever needed me, and I had anything at all, I would give him everything to help him...I will never understand.

I find it interesting that the OP has not shown up since the original post. Makes me wonder if she is just a disgruntled family member who sits on the side making critical remarks but not helping - I am very familiar with those types of family members since I am my Mothers 24/7 and get no reimbursement from anyone in the family. What I did was assign bills to be paid. I gave all the financial stuff to my sister-in-law who likes paying bills and balancing check books. That way I can never be accused of "taking" my Moms money for myself. The truth is it is costing me to live with my Mom. I do not work, pay for all the groceries, drive her everywhere, pay for all the gas and car repairs - she is using my Social Security - not the other way around. So shame on family members who sit on the sides, do not contribute financially and do not even give respite. Maybe it is harsh but that is life.

TDH, my SIL likes to think she visits to 'assist.' In fact she's assisting now, with arrangements for my mother's 90th birthday party, and my heart rate is currently around 130bpm.

On my ex's side of the family, my MIL and another SIL love each other dearly. They cannot, however, be physically near each other for more than 24 hours without the fur starting to fly. Some personalities are a bad fit, with no fault on either side.

A letter can't stir up Crohn's? Depends what's in it. A letter full of family news, enclosing some pictures of grandchildren or maybe a drawing from them, local newspaper cuttings, that kind of thing - that's sunshine all round. A letter that says words to the effect of "darling mother I long to see you but X has forbidden me the door," on the other hand, would cramp her up good and proper. People with Crohn's are worriers in a league all their own.

1 of 6, if you're not inclined to help your mother, nobody can force you (unless the unusual circumstances when filial responsibility laws come into play obtain). But don't sit there with your arms folded, sulking that unless you get tickets to see your mother you're not paying. If you do want to help her, think of different (and not necessarily financial) ways - offer to order her choice of clothes every so often perhaps, send her nice but practical things like beauty products that you know she likes, anything like that. Or send a cheque if you can easily afford it, just don't hold your breath waiting for the thanks. Nobody can make you, is the point - but you may still choose to. Please yourself.

One last thing - your scepticism about the dementia. Correct, dementia doesn't get better, in the sense of get cured or resolve on its own. But a highly stressed out, ill older person in the early stages of dementia could show a marked improvement in both physical and mental state if her surroundings and routine are adapted to support her. In the early stages definitive diagnosis is difficult, and progression impossible to map. If you've half-formed a suspicion that your sister is overdramatising your mother's decline from ulterior motives, rest your mind. That won't be it.