Can my sister come after us for financial assistance for Mom?

Susan, I did check the OP's other posts and some of her responses. Thanks for that alert.

Not only did I find an inconsistency about the financial contribution situation, it appears as if there is in fact an ongoing history of bad relations but that the questions and "requests" for help still continue, without any mention of what action, if any, the OP has taken to address the situation.

My position is that if help and advice are requested, the solicitor has at least some obligation to address the grievances. I'm not getting that impression.

Nor has the OP returned to this thread to comment.

I feel like I've been conned -- I am sooo out of this thread!

I hear you there, GardenArtist. I didn't want to take either side, but there's definitely more going on there than meets the eye.

I agree with Twiedybird. So many of you are attacking Moms1of6 and you don't know enough about the situation. It sounds like she is not allowed to see her mother and has no say in anything and doesn't even know her mother's condition any more. If I was in that situation, I would be really reluctant to give any money unless I could visit my mother and reassure myself she was being well cared for and knew the money is used for her. I would also have a legitimate concern about finances if my sister put mom in a nursing home and I had no input and no information about Mom's physical and mental state and whether it was a good place or not, or beyond my means to pay for it. It is wonderful her sister wants to care for her mother, but we don't know why and how. By all means, she should share in expenses and help, but she needs to be involved and it sounds like she has been shut out.
I say this because I had a friend whose sister moved their father out of his home (increasing dementia) when her mother died. She moved him into her home and refused to allow my friend to see him. She heard through the grapevine that her sister was going out more and her standard of living went up! Turns out she was spending all his retirement checks as they arrived each month and also using his savings "supposedly" on him. My friend finally sneaked in their home to see him, he was in tears he was so happy she came. His dementia was not that bad that he didn't miss her, and he was unhappy. It turned out sister was using him for the extra income, she was locking him in one room, he was dirty, not fed right and suffering from numerous ailments which were going untreated.

Amy Grace, please tell me your friend's father got out of that situation.

Your mom's health is the primary consideration here: If your sister and your mother agree that your presence aggravates her Crohns, then you need to take them at their word regardless of whether or not your contribute. If that is indeed true, then it's not quid pro quo anyhow. So .. don't take that personally.

Second, if it is within your means, and you know that it would help your mom and your sister, and you are secure enough in knowing and asserting your own boundaries, then I would consider helping them financially.

I don't know you and don't want to judge. There are articles here all the time about narcissistic parents who drive their kids batty. If you think that they're both that way, then you need to tell them 'no,' once, with compassion and kindness. Then, you need to ignore subsequent requests from them, without writing them out of your life completely.

Great answers everyone, but ... unless you read my previous posts, you can not understand. Yes, I've taken care of mom for over twenty years (without any help from any siblings). I've paid off one of her high credit cards, was paying off another when another sibling took home mom's checkbook (with mom's approval) to find where all of her money was going. She gave the checkbook to Sis (who is now in control of mom). Sis had abandoned the family at 15 family, comes back. Sis likes control and doesn't want an aide in mom's home (afraid of losing control and power over mom). States that mom is doing better now that I am out of the pic. Taking her off some of her meds, because she is doing so well. She "expects" money from everyone now that she knows what mom needs. Mom does get a pension and half of my dad's military retirement. Financially, she isn't hurting. Bro sends money monthly, because he wants to. Mom is getting medicaid, but has a large deductible because she has too much money. .Sis feels everyone should contribute, because she is there for mom (though, she only visits several times a week, but she does call her daily - unsure if she does, but will assume she does). Bro 2 visits her every 3-4 months for a couple of days (lives out of town). Bro 1 was visiting her often, but she told him not to come. He still contributes and has bought her her favorite mags., videos and a video projector (which she told him she doesn't want any of it), a harmonica (she use to play at a younger age, she kept this). Mom and I use to be very close, but when sis started
talking with mom, things were taking a turn. I didn't mind at the time, but what I do mind is the fact that sis has brainwashed mom into thinking Bro 1 and myself are no good for her (trouble and that we lie, steal from her-maybe more me than him). I was accused of stealing all her jewelry (even though she only wore a wedding ring thirty-forty yrs ago). I was accused of calling her names (she emailed this to my siblings and degraded her in ???). So, yes, I dislike my sis right now, because of what she is doing. Do I hate Her? No, because she is my sis and I no longer want t have anything to do with her or her ways of control. If mom thinks and believes she's from heaven, I have to let go, because in mom's eyes, I am the one who is no good.

Wow sorry ...everything is so much clearer now ... I hope you indeed are not further held financially responsible for her ...after helping with her for 20 years ...I'm sorry for the minipulation that's gone on bless you for your sacrifice

Obligation of children to help parent financially would only apply if Mom were destitute - since this is not the case, there is no moral obligation. I suppose filial responsibility laws could come into picture, but I don't think in this case - seems that what Sis wants is to make her sibs hand over money to her- some kind of power trip. Whatever Sis wants to do, or says she does, is her free choice and siblings would have no obligation to pay Sis under these circumstances. Any payment for Sis's help should come from Mom's funds since Mom has funds which should fairly be used for Mom's own care. Basically it sounds to me like Sis just wants to harass siblings, rope them into her drama etc.. Unfortunately, there are cases of very dysfunctional families where caregiving of parents is used as a pretext to work out other, nasty agendas. Anyone going no or low contact is a threat because they are refusing to be roped in.

Sounds like Moms1of6 just wants to reassure herself that her sibling's threats are toothless. Always good to know when any kind of blackmail might be on horizon.

So to me you need a paycheck. Document all that you spent for taking care of your Mother. Those should be her expenses and not your life savings. Give her and your siblings a bill for your services with expectation of a certain date. Use this as a business - if your Mom has the assets she should pay you - if not you will need help from the other famly members.