Can my sister come after us for financial assistance for Mom?

Sounds like you have a touchy situation. I agree you need to check with an attorney. I have not heard of children being forced to support the parent but I am not in CA either. My question is what is the mother's financial situation and who is handling that money? Many times it has been shown that a caretaker has used up all the funds in illegal ways. Is this happening? If not, does the mother need state assistance in paying for her care? Following that would be what can you afford to do? What is the best for your mother and what is legal. This will depend on legal documents that should be in place like a medical POA, financial POA, will, and the wishes for her future care. I definitely would be checking into these things before making any decisions or taking any actions. Also, would you want to take legal action if the finances have been abuse? I hope you consult someone soon so the correct and legal steps can be taken.

Whoa... I've recommended this site to several caregivers lately, but I won't recommend it anymore and I also won't read or post here. People are so rude!!!

Sis is doing the day to day care, so I give her the benefit of the doubt. "Going after you" requires a lawyer and court costs, so it is unlikely to happen. Please consider sitting down with sis and working something out. If you feel sis will misspend money, maybe you can offer to pay some utilities for mom, you can pay for depends...order online and have them delivered.

gonebabygone, I don't think it's a matter of people being rude - it's just that this post hits a nerve for a lot of people here - and the OP didn't give us enough information to give an informed response, other than what the law says...so many people are having a knee-jerk reaction to what they interpreted.

Always remember when you're viewing posts on the internet in a forum: you don't know who is behind the screen, what their background is, how rich/poor they are, what race they are, and in the context of this particular forum, you don't know what their relationship with their siblings and/or parents are. It's very easy to throw out statements that are judgemental, racist, sexist, or any other kind of -ist you want to name, because we are anonymous names on a screen while we're here. It's important to remember that while you are online, you can't see someone's facial expression or hear the tone of their voice or inflection of their words - so it's very hard to judge the way someone feels about what they're posting.

The other thing to remember is that this sort of forum brings together a HUGE melting pot of personalities. Some are happy caregivers, some are very embittered by their situation. Some are depressed, some may even be mentally ill. Some will be kind and gentle in their comments and responses, and some will just be blunt and say what they feel without sugarcoating it. It takes all kinds to make up the world we live in, and a forum like this is just a microcosm of all sorts of people and personalities. There are bound to be clashes from time to time, and some people will rub others the wrong way.

A good rule of thumb: "Be kind - for everyone is fighting some kind of battle".

It would be extremely helpful if the OP would come back and give more clarification to their situation, so we could fully understand:
-Why Mom gets "stirred up" when you're around?
-Why you're concerned that sis is going to "come after you" financially - what's the reason you think that? Has she threatened to do so?
-What is your family dynamic that sis keeps you from visiting Mom?

I truly hope the OP will come back so we can offer constructive help, other than just what the law says. Some of us are new caregivers, some of us have been at it for a very long time, and perhaps we could offer some helpful ideas.

Oh. boy! Yours is a tough question. Living in CA, my flip answer is that I just can't wait to see the NH to go after $ from my sisters! Until then, unless I truly needed the money I probably wouldn't want them coming to my home and messing with Mom even if they contributed to her support. I agree you should be generous and send anything you can afford along with a nice card, and thank your sister for taking on the burden of your mother's care. If your sister is being unfair and is not mentally unstable, then hopefully your thanks will soften her heart. That is, if you can visit them without making trouble. My sisters can't seem to manage the not making trouble and it is simply not worth the spinning and brain pain that it causes mom. It is clear they don't want to contribute in any way other than trying to take over and leave chaos behind for me to clean up.

You say your sister is asking for money "for Mom" what is the money going for? I think you and your sister and brother need to sit down with a financial advisor and go over you mothers bills and monthly expenses. A financial plan can then be developed so each of you can contribute to your mothers care.

First and foremost, if diagnosed with dementia, one does not get better, at least in the later stages. This is a terminal diagnosis. Secondly, no one can "make" you pay for your mother's care, unless perhaps you are holding property of your mother's and there is a legally binding contract. If your mother does not want to see you, then write her your thoughts as a letter will not aggravate Crohn's, and accept the fact you probably won't get to see her in the future. It is sad that family relationships are not like they are on television, but usually they are not as witnessed by the recent kicking incident in the elevator of Beyoncé's sister. Just hold your head high and love your mother through your letters/cards if you choose. No one gets to pick their parents nor siblings.

Shame on you. Unless you are destitute, what is your reason for providing no help? If you are worried that contributions towards your mother's care may not be used for that purpose, then offer to pay for something directly. If you are not financially able, then do something else to help! If there are hideous family dynamics at play, then you still need to do something else. First of all, when your mother is gone, you will never forgive yourself for not stepping up. Second, caregiving is HARD WORK. Cut your sister some slack. But don't let her continue to cut you out of your mother's life--unless that's what you want. Otherwise promise that you will work to have a peaceful visit that will not upset her. But if you really truly don't care about your mom or your sister, and know for certain that you will have no regrets once your mom is gone and you have no relationship w/your sister left, then you are dong the right thing.

I think everyone is being too harsh and without knowing all of the details. This doesn't add up because moms1of6 was going to mother's house, I'm assuming, to assist until she was asked to stop. Was it because there was lack of dementia experience that was causing stress? Or was it because the dementia patient has been manipulated? Or was it because, through no fault of her own, the poor lady now has this response to her daughter? Either way, I would be very concerned about how money is being used to care for the dementia patient (Social Security or any other assets). We have experienced or read on this website how many times the elderly person's money has been used for something other than their care. Personally, I made that information transparent to my sibling when I cared for my grandmother. The password information for the bank accounts that took care of my grandmother was given to my sister to review and question as she liked.

Moms1of6. As the caregiver with a sister who does absolutely nothing but hold out her hand to take what she can from our elderly mother with dementia I am questioning your post. We really are not seeing a full picture of the situation to make more than what we know to be the legal statements.

From my situation with my sister she will never help monetarily or would I expect it since I know she only takes and never gives.(Not even a birthday or Christmas present for Mom which could be home made or dollar store. It's just the thought) I would love to hear her just once say she would come and stay with our mother for a week so my hubby and I could go off fishing for some down time. We have been caring for mom for the last 7 years this time. We did care when mom went through cancer treatmets for a couple of years with a 5 yr break until the stroke. I receive not so much as thought from thought other than comments regarding her inheritance, which I have pointed out isn't an inheritance until a person dies. I am keeping very good financial records of expenses that I have paid for on my own dime so that at the time we are settling the "inheritance" I will be reimbursed. (Things like property taxes on mom's house, Rx costs that are not covered by insurance and in the hundreds of dollars, etc.) This may turn into my sister owing me for her half of the expenses out of her "inheritance" . I will be more than happy to set up a payment plan since I doubt there will be much of anything left in the end. I didn't really consider keep track until my mother's elder attorney told me to since she knows my sister and our situation.

We could all give you a better evaluation of your situation if you could give us better details and not be one sided to color the situation.

TDH, my SIL likes to think she visits to 'assist.' In fact she's assisting now, with arrangements for my mother's 90th birthday party, and my heart rate is currently around 130bpm.

On my ex's side of the family, my MIL and another SIL love each other dearly. They cannot, however, be physically near each other for more than 24 hours without the fur starting to fly. Some personalities are a bad fit, with no fault on either side.

A letter can't stir up Crohn's? Depends what's in it. A letter full of family news, enclosing some pictures of grandchildren or maybe a drawing from them, local newspaper cuttings, that kind of thing - that's sunshine all round. A letter that says words to the effect of "darling mother I long to see you but X has forbidden me the door," on the other hand, would cramp her up good and proper. People with Crohn's are worriers in a league all their own.

1 of 6, if you're not inclined to help your mother, nobody can force you (unless the unusual circumstances when filial responsibility laws come into play obtain). But don't sit there with your arms folded, sulking that unless you get tickets to see your mother you're not paying. If you do want to help her, think of different (and not necessarily financial) ways - offer to order her choice of clothes every so often perhaps, send her nice but practical things like beauty products that you know she likes, anything like that. Or send a cheque if you can easily afford it, just don't hold your breath waiting for the thanks. Nobody can make you, is the point - but you may still choose to. Please yourself.

One last thing - your scepticism about the dementia. Correct, dementia doesn't get better, in the sense of get cured or resolve on its own. But a highly stressed out, ill older person in the early stages of dementia could show a marked improvement in both physical and mental state if her surroundings and routine are adapted to support her. In the early stages definitive diagnosis is difficult, and progression impossible to map. If you've half-formed a suspicion that your sister is overdramatising your mother's decline from ulterior motives, rest your mind. That won't be it.

I find it interesting that the OP has not shown up since the original post. Makes me wonder if she is just a disgruntled family member who sits on the side making critical remarks but not helping - I am very familiar with those types of family members since I am my Mothers 24/7 and get no reimbursement from anyone in the family. What I did was assign bills to be paid. I gave all the financial stuff to my sister-in-law who likes paying bills and balancing check books. That way I can never be accused of "taking" my Moms money for myself. The truth is it is costing me to live with my Mom. I do not work, pay for all the groceries, drive her everywhere, pay for all the gas and car repairs - she is using my Social Security - not the other way around. So shame on family members who sit on the sides, do not contribute financially and do not even give respite. Maybe it is harsh but that is life.

OMG...hadenough, I know where you're coming from. I left my job, pulled my retirement, lost my insurance and am about to lose my house to foreclosure now...all of it my choice of course, would do it again...BUT....also receive ZERO financial help from the sibling or anyone else. I have used all my retirement income to help with living expenses, I go without to be sure that Mom gets whatever she needs, I have long ago given up any of life's little extras, if it ever gets colored these days, my hair is #9A out of the box Loreal, I am wearing the same four outfits over and over because all of my things are still in my home because I cannot get anyone to stay with my Mom long enough for me to go and retrieve my belongings....so it is a touchy subject for me when I see siblings who are not the primary caregiver griping about where the money is going. Where do people think money goes...bills, medical bills, nutritional supplement bills, all of it is expensive and after an enormous amount of copays after a horrible in home accident that put us all here, Mom's social security is scarely enough to get us through each month just getting the necessities...dear God you can look at me and immediately know I am not spending one dime on myself. I have even sold scrap metal from our garage to try and supplement our income. Most "sitters" charge $10/hour in this area...just sitting down and figuring that out should give any nay sayers an idea of what they would be paying out of pocket, even their half of that, to pay for a round the clock sitter for a loved one...and folks who cook, clean, etc. charge even more. I have never asked for money except on rare occasions when we were running out of Depends and then I would enjoy a grilling of where is your money going????? Knowing how my brother and his wife have to have the finest of everything, I would like to see them even try to live off of what Mom and I exist on. And we have been able to make it. Mom has done without nothing. I have made sure of that. I have had a lot of sleepless, worrisome days and nights, I have had to find homeopathic cures for myself instead of going to a doctor because forget that, a doctor's visit isn't happening right now. The one time I complained about a migraine, my brother told me, "you're life would be a lot better if you stopped feeling so sorry for yourself"....oh well, I guess it would.....so yes, shame on family members who sit on the sides and criticize everything and contribute nothing, but yet want to nag the h*ll out of the caregiver who is having to make it happen on meager income. And yes, it is what it is...and it is sad that it has to be that way....and even stranger, I know that if my brother ever needed me, and I had anything at all, I would give him everything to help him...I will never understand.

One note that I will add re the whole sibling issue and financial matters....my brother did inquire of me as to whether I had purchased a burial policy for myself....because they would not be able to do anything about that....I calmly told him, don't worry about that....no I have not done that, but when it happens just do the cheapest route if at all or throw me down the hill in the back yard as I could care less when I am gone what you do with me. When I was alive is what mattered and I already got that message loud and clear.

...and I apologize if I sounded rude to you, that is not my intent. What I like about this site is that people are very straightforward and they rarely mince words to get the point across. Personally I would much rather be confronted by a bunch of Care-givers than by any of my "so-called" friends because we are usually a lot more focused on the needs of the parent than on the needs of our siblings. It is a shame that you can't see your parent. I have actually been accused by my sibs of holding mom hostage and other ridiculous things, so thank you if you haven't taken it that far, and please, send them every $10 you can, offer a big prayer for love and patience to prevail, and if you really care about your family get busy finding out how to help out if you have no money to contribute. -Hope this helps you find some peace.

hope22, I will do most anything for my mom, but my sisters have been forewarned, they will NEVER get me to so much as lift a finger if they need my help - - - what goes around comes around.

I agree that siblings should not keep other siblings from seeing the parent.....however, if a sibling or in law or whatever is causing problems every time they come and upsetting the person being cared for OR the caregiver, then a plan needs to be worked out to either work together or stay away...the last thing a caregiver needs is someone coming in, bossing around, belittling, sniping and criticizing the efforts of the caregiver ...particularly in situations where the other siblings/family have no intention of taking up the gauntlet and doing the work themselves...

Well, it's only been 3 days since the question was first posted. If I had been the poster, I might have read the first few posts and never come back. And that might not be because I was the typical selfish sibling who doesn't care-give.

We had a chance to enlighten this person as to the difficulty of caregiving...instead many of us decided to vent all of our anger based on our own situations, on this sibling. We don't know enough about this poster to know whether his/her concerns are valid or not. There are, believe it or not, situations where a manipulative sibling promises the world to mom, gets mom on his/her side, uses the caregiving role to, in fact, take care of self. (Some people have babies for the same reason!) Not every one is nurturing, and motivated like those on this forum who selflessly give their life for their caregiving...some do it for selfish reasons, and don't even use the money for "mom"...

So, I think we have to really restrain reacting emotionally to someone asking for help. We need to get more information before we blast them. This might not have been the typical insensitive non-caregiver. It might have been a concerned adult child who is confronted with a sibling's manipulations and needing help. We may never know. But hopefully we will learn from this.

A hug to all on this forum for selfless giving...we know who we are...and others may never understand what we've done fully...that's life. Let's not harbor bitterness...let's support each other and enlighten whoever we can...

Hope22, I know I shouldn't but I laughed like a drain at your burial plan anecdote - "don't worry, I'll drop myself off at the recycling centre shall I?"

Oh my God it is a cynical world. Alas.

You can recycle the deceased. Mom contacted the University of Buffalo medical school and signed over her body. They pick up the body and return the ashes about 2 years later. Free.

I have a somewhat different perspective, having seen a similar situation in which the caregiver was unstable, hated her sister, felt that her parents were cruel to her (they definitely were not) and was using the caregiving situation to her own benefit, not only to harass her siblings but to retaliate against her parents for perceived injustices.

To the OP: First, unless you and the family/sister have a written agreement, specifying contributions from each, I don’t see how your sister could legally force you to contribute or “come after you” for funds for your mother’s care. She has no legal standing to do so - there is no basis for suit unless you have legally committed to arrangements which are subsequently breached.

She likely would also have to “open her checkbook” and provide documentation on expenses and her contributory portion, as well as how much of your mother’s funds she used.

That’s assuming that your mother remains at home, which I think under the circumstances is likely to happen because it allows your caregiver sister to maintain control, especially of your mother, and to enhance her campaign against your nonfinancial participation. This might be part of her emotional need.

Second, I would insist that your sister provide weekly and/or monthly expenditure lists, breaking down amounts spent on food, prepared meals (such as Meals on Wheels), transportation, medical supplies, devices, etc. In other words, everything she claims is being spent on Mom. Then either agree to a portion, or agree to buy some of things yourself. Make payments by check and keep your own records. Never, never ever give cash.

I am betting, however, that your sister would not allow you to bring over any supplies or such as it would give you the opportunity to see your mother, and control is one of the things she apparently needs to establish.

Third, any agreement should also address and provide for visitation rights. You’re entitled to see your mother unless independent medical or other professionals document otherwise.

Fourth, I might even consider involving an elder care attorney so that sister knows you’re willing to step up to your responsibilities but are not going to be intimidated by the emotionality of the situation.

Given the friction with your sister, I wouldn’t be surprised if she later claims that she wasn’t reimbursed or was forced to spend so much of her own money that your mother decided to (a) change her will (b) give sister more money now ( c ) make some other changes, which may or may not be true, to compensate the caregiver sister. I’ve seen this happen.

Fifth, I have first hand experience with the very negative aspects of someone who is emotionally unstable and uses caregiving to retaliate against both parents and siblings. And FYI, the emotional instability was determined by sources outside the family well before the daughter became self-appointed caregiver.

Sixth, there’s another issue and that’s one of the sister taking a controlling and dominating position in control of your mother. She may have her own personality and personal reasons for wanting sole control. I’m not sure it’s altruistic, either.

So protect yourself and document everything, including texts, conversations, etc. I think this could become a volatile situation over the years. In fact, I would try to limit communication to written ones so that they can be documented.


I understand the general attitude expressed by posters here in support of the caregiver, and ordinarily I would agree with that had I not experienced a situation in which the emotionally unstable person with tremendous needs to control her parents in their last stages of life enthusiastically moved into the caregiving role, expanded her ongoing self-pity, and blamed her sister’s family for not supporting her. This unstable person not only denied access by her sister to their mother but denied access to other family members as well.

What was learned only much later after legal involvement was necessary was the extent to which the caregiving sister fleeced her mother’s assets and instituted action to deprive her sister of her rightful inheritance.

So folks, before you condemn the OP, recognize that there might be another side to the sister who wants control of their mother.

And recognize as Twiedybird astutely pointed out that whether we support the OP or the sister, we're basing our remarks on limited information.

I agree that siblings should at least do something to help take care of an aging parent. In my family, I have a brother who lived off of my parent for years and now will not lift one finger to help. He refuses to work, so he cannot contribute financially, but I think he could visit occasionally. He does nothing, and then goes on Facebook and tells everyone what a b**ch I am. I fully understand this happens in every family, and I sure wish Pennsylvania would go after these slackers. It is disgusting to take and take, and then expect one person to do it all. Some people do not have a moral compass so they must be legislated into it. It is selfish for siblings to "parent Dump!" I hope you do have legal recourse to get some fiscal help. Sue them thoroughly!

I am a confused. 1of6's bio leads me to believe she is mom's caregiver. If that is the case where does the sib figure in as caregiver? It is impossible to give an answer to any inquiry if we don't have the right information regarding the situation.

your sister cannot come after you for financial care however if mom is placed into a state or county Run facility it is a possibility.I would think that if mom agrees that you upset her too much when you visit then mom has pretty much so ended your relationship with her and sister should not expect money. If you aren't feeling responsible- move on and cut all communication with sis too since she took over willingly she shouldn't be demanding money. Depending on your state, she can become a licensed caregiver and get paid to care for mom if the situation fits. Sounds like moms dementia was treated with meds which helps slow progress but doesn't heal. Bottomline decision- either cut all ties and communication or send a check no strings attached. One should never give with expectations if even a thank you- else you become resentful- expectations are the root of all bitter people.

I've read all of the comments including those who slapped the writs of others for being too harsh or too subjective. I wholeheartedly accept their chastisement because they are caregivers, too, and have walked in my shoes. However, first consider that the poster's question was to learn if they had any liability if their mother was placed in a NH or AL. What better place to seek advice than in the opposition's camp? The poster must know that caregivers on this site freely share information and out of necessity have educated themselves about some aspects of family law. Many of us use the Web to research everything because we undertake the responsibility for another person's life very seriously. Second, if the poster is a truly a caring child, wouldn't they have used this forum to explain their circumstances, financial and otherwise? Instead they seemed to justify their non-assistance by stating that the brother who gives money is not thanked by the custodial sibling or the mother. Is that love? They did not ask for the caregiver's point of view on how to mend fences with her sister. She did not ask for alternative ways to help her mother. But many of you gave advice anyway. That tells me a lot about your hearts because that's what you want for yourselves -- family cohesion, peace, and support. One of the commenters reminded us that not all caregivers have good intentions, that some do it for their own benefit. I am sure this is true. But from what I've read, that is not true of the majority of people who use this forum. I sincerely wish moms1of6 well, her siblings and her mother all the best. Perhaps by comment was a knee-jerk reaction based on my own experiences. But experience is the best teacher.

I noticed that too JoEna1. Clearly, we didn't have enough info I suppose and I think it is natural for our responses to come from our own experiences. I understand that some folks think caregivers are "in it" for unsavory reasons. I can't even imagine using caregiving as a means to pull a fast one as it is the hardest, most heartbreaking thing I will ever do. I have been here for my parents all of my life, even when I didn't live here, I gave up my weekends and my vacations to come home and help with various issues, always handled the business end of things for them, while the sibling lived his life, had his children, and allowed his wife to curse me and belittle my parents and use our family as her own personal banking institution. Still we were good to her and to him and now even with wife #2, it has not changed and they seem to enjoy getting in their jabs and remarks about me even though he has informed me that if it gets to be too much for me we will put Mama in a NH and sell her house. So clearly he is not going to step in and yet all he does and all he has ever done is criticize. I think I would like to have seen some more input from the OP after some comments were made. Perhaps we would have known more about the situation. The profile indicated they were the one living at home as the caregiver so it was a little confusing. And rightly or wrongly, I responded based on my situation...which I think is pretty much what most folks do...I do wish them well and hope they can work it out. Obviously, in a perfect world, what SHOULD happen is all siblings work together in harmony and for the safety, love and security of the loved one...and whoever is the primary caregiver SHOULD be appreciated for what they do without having to write a thank you note when a sibling brings a pack of depends or whatever. On the rare occasion my sibling has given us anything I always thank him profusely, more than once. Of course we don't live in a perfect world............just doing the best I can do.....

The question is specifically whether she has financial obligation and is concerned if she doesn't- she fears legal recourse which is a statement that she only fears being in legal trouble. The other statement doesn't imply mom is living with sister " since she said "my sister said I was specifically not to go to mom's house because *I* upset her. She goes on to say "Mom agrees". This question in my opinion does not imply in any way that she wants to help but rather wants to cover bases of getting into trouble legally. Although I understand where 1of6 is coming from , Its a compound answer to a simple answer- NO. She isn't legally liable- and stated clearly- mom has asked you to stay away and sister is caregiver by choice and is enforcing request. I do wish your family could unite- I hope you will ask why you upset mom and deal with that so you can have quality time with her before she passes. All other perceptions of our own circumstances doesn't apply. You are off the hook legally- now decide what you want to do.

Unless you spent Mom's money on things not related to her care/rent then I highly doubt you have anything to worry about.

Hopefully Sis is spending Mom's money on Mom or she'll have to answer medicaid if needed or if Mom has a will with assets left to her children Sis will have to answer to you!

I would strongly recommend anyone with questions about the OP's situation to go to her profile and read her previous posts. This is not the first time she has posted here, and there is a history of problems with the sibling caring for her mother.

I'm not taking one side or the other on this, just saying there are always things going on behind the scenes that we don't know about. Please take time to read over previous posts from the OP to get an idea of what's going on there. Things are not always as they seem.

I already consulted two attorneys about the same issue. I care for my mother, and provide her with all of her needs. My brothers provide zero, zip, nada. The financial burden on my husband and I is severe and great. I was advised by both attorneys that there is no law that a child must pay for or provide care for a parent.