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Sis is helping out a bit more regarding taking mom to the doctors office which is a great help to me. She said that she has been feeling so guilty so thats why she is doing it. She and her husband are still very nasty to me. So last year they said at Christmas that this will be their last Christmas up here with mom and me as they want to start spending the holidays with her husbands family and grandchildren. We were all relieved about this. So I asked my ex-husband if he would like to come over this year and he said yes. Prior to this year my sis said that if he was coming they would not be here and of course mom wanted sis which makes sense. Anyway so yesterday they were up here and stated that they were going to be coming up for Thanksgiving this year and I was shocked and said why? BIL son is having 20 plus people over there and they do not want to go now so because they have no where else to go they want to come here. I told her my ex was coming and she says oh thats ok. Then I told her I would have to talk to my sons who do not speak to her after all the bad behavior that she put us all through over the last year. She has been doing this to me my whole life and frankly I do not want them here at all. I told her I have to talk to my sons because it is up to them, its either her or them and if they won't come then I will cook dinner at my kids house. She said oh I will buy the turkey. Really? Then she says after all I have done for those kids I will just cut them out of my will. (its always about money and has been) I said well you already cut out my younger son months ago because he was sticking up for me and mom. As far as I am concerned she has burned all her bridges with my family and there is no amount of money that can change this. So here I was looking forward to a peaceful holiday and now I am not sure what the boys will say as its up to them. I will tell them I do not want her here but if they say its ok then I will try once again to make peace. Any advice?

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You tell her, "I am having a really hard time right now, and I have someone coming that will be here for me. I don't have anything extra to give. Sorry Sis. You're on your own this year."
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You do not have to give an reason, even if pressed...Say, "it does not work for us to have you visit overnight this year."....If pressed, say, "I am not willing to discuss it further." What's your sanity worth to you?
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You say , I really can't host you at this time. Practise it in front of the mirror.
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My sister called and as usual told me when she and husband are coming here, mainly because her girlfriend will be here at that time and her friend always treats her to fancy restaurants, etc. My husband went into a nursing home and I really don't feel like having company especially when they watch tv all times of the day and night.
I told her that I might be having someone coming in at that time and she said "don't you have a sofa I can use!". What about her husband... She has always bossed everyone around and I am the passive one although I am older than her.
What do you say to someone like that?
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The phrase "coming home" is so interesting.
Usually used by adult kids who have their own "home" to refer to their parents' home.
Why do we do this, and why do some kids never "come home" even when their parents would dearly love it?
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But we all know that it's not over til the fat bird is carved. :-/
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My mom does not cook, or go anywhere. She does not want to go to restaurants any longer. I do all the cooking which is fine. I said previously that this was taken care of when I told sis there is no drinking alcohol here and she said oh well then we will go where we had planned. Simple, the boys did not make the decision and its over. A peaceful Thanksgiving we shall have. Thanks for all the nice advice.
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I'll add to what the last person said - if you follow that advice, take it a step further and let your mother buy one of those grocery store turkey meals with sides and desserts. I don't see the point of you slaving in the kitchen - you're not the cook and you're not the maid - no reason you should have to cook and clean up.
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Let me get this straight---does your mother live with you? Or does she live by herself?

It's not "up to the boys". It's up to you. If you don't want to be around your sister, then don't. Go to your son's house & have the holiday there. Let your sister & BIL hang out with your mother, cook the dinner & clean up afterwards. Let your sister buy the turkey, as well as everything else that goes with it---or let her take your mother out to a restaurant to eat. You CAN have a peaceful holiday---it's YOUR CHOICE whether you're going to let yourself have that or not.

Don't let your sister's nasty comments bother you. When she says stuff like she's going to cut your children out of her will, don't even give her the satisfaction of a reply. Ignore it. You don't need the stress & aggravation.

Cutting toxic relationships out of your life is necessary if you want to maintain your sanity.
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For what it's worth, a BFF of mine solved the toxic holiday dilemma. This takes a really big pair, but she was just totally over it and we all had gone through hurricane Katrina. Everybody was outta nice & lots of folks were still displaced with no hot meals. Both Her SIL are certifiable too. She told everybody that they needed to be at the house by 10 with drinks starting at 9. Did an especially nice presentation of bloody Mary's (gin & vodka!) non-alc fizzy drink. Then about 10 everybody had to get into the van she rented or their cars her kids drove & went to serve the food pantry's thanksgiving meal for the homeless & share the meal with them. (She had been doing food prep there earlier that week) Everybody did something. Kids did cookies & fruit bags that everybody got as a take-home. One SIL got hit on too. It was pretty priceless.
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I hope your sister does come and stay so that you can go away. However, if it's really important to you, find alternatives so that, if she skips-out at the last minute that you can still go.

In my case, I don't plan that my sibling will ever come through on any promises and I just plan accordingly. My sibling sounds much like your sister, saying one thing one day, something different another day, and being unreliable. Rather than being angry and disappointed about it, I just don't rely on my sibling when something is important to me. Once, I told my sibling how important something was to me and the response I got was, "But it's not important to ME." After that, I make sure I get what I need from other sources.
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Some great advice here! Basically go with what will make you happy.
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Now that mom is in a skilled nursing facility, we do our second Thanksgiving and Christmas celebration at her facility. We rent the big common room for the day and bring in loads of food, sort of pot luck and sneak lots of treats to the staff.
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Last year at Christmas time my mom was in the hospital and none of us were even sure she would make it. My one sister always has Christmas at her place. Its usually a big production where she is dressed to the nines, the table setting is like something out of Martha Stewart's catalogue and blah, blah, blah.

Last year when she reminded me at my mom's bedside about it I said I would be skipping it and that under the circumstances I wasn't in the mood.I was amazed how quickly everyone else in the family jumped on board with me and also skipped it.

No offense to my sister but just the fact that she wanted to carry on as if our mom wasn't even sick just galled me and since I never enjoyed going to her place to begin with it worked out just fine for me. Wonder what will happen this year?
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Notice that none of this is about eldercare. It's about family strife. Bottom line: grow up, decide how YOU want to behave and pursue it courageously.
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Good luck, fligirl58. I hope your sister comes through in November for you to be able to get away. My sister lives 1 1/2 MINUTES away from our Mom and does not call or visit. There's no "history" of fights, anger, etc. She just doesn't call or visit. She's certainly capable of calling or visiting but chooses not to. It's sad. I know it hurts our Mom's feelings. I've talked to my sister about it and she just becomes defensive, so I've had to "let it go". I feel bad for my Mom so I do what I can for her.
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Thanks you guys, They live in San Diego about 1.5 hours away and when they do come up they stay in their motor home. So they will be here for 4 or 5 days and see mom maybe 2 hours on 2 days and that is all. It just so happens mom had to go to the ER on Monday, she was severely dehydrated. So only 1 of us was allowed in the room at a time, so my sis and me took turns and it worked out ok, Thank God. I asked her when she comes up why does she only come two days out of for 4-5, for only 2 hours, she says there is nothing to talk about and thats long enough. I told her she is the one that is going to have to live with herself when mom passes and she was hardly around, she screamed I am fine with this and I don't feel guilty. Then the next thing I know she is telling me she is feeling guilty and that is why she is coming up to take mom to the doctor. (I have an SUV and mom cannot get into it, otherwise maybe she would not help, who knows, but I am grateful for her doing that.And she promised she would come up and stay with mom on the 10.11.12 of November so I could go to San Diego to see my best friends. We can only hope she sticks to that. Sigh.
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By the way, in the past, have fallen for the sad story from relatives that Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only time to visit because they get extra days off work. That works against you doubly because they can stay EVEN LONGER. I've finally learned to "just say no."
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If I read your question, properly, I get the impression that your mom would prefer to see your sister for a holiday as opposed to not seeing her. So, are you doing this just for your Mom? If so, I agree with the restaurant suggestion. When you have a misbehaving relative, they make things miserable for everyone else. The idea to invite a stranger means that that person will possibly behave better when they're in-sight of that person but there's still ample opportunity for the relative to cause havoc behind-the-scenes.

If you're not doing this for Mom, don't bother with it. I would just tell her that you have your plans set and can't change them, at this point. In fact, I'd use this excuse for every holiday where she plans to visit.

As an alternative, send Mom to visit your sister. Or, have your sister visit (and stay in a hotel - not with you) when it's not a holiday and things are less stressful.

Holidays are just the worst time to get together when your family has these kinds of issues, says one who has a similar situation to deal with.

By the way, my mom and I have been invited to some of my friends house for Thanksgiving. She and I said "yes" and I will not change this for any reason. I told these friends I'd do anything they need to help them out - even run to the store for last-minute forgotten items - that's how grateful I am that I'm not cooking for anyone at my own house!
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Family troubles are a real pain. I would tell her you have the holiday planned and there is no room for her at the table. Make sure she knows she can visit mom, after the meal.
You made plans around her plans, then she changes her mind, that's too bad. You want the holiday to be 'nice' quiet with close family, the two of you have grown apart. Good luck
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Well done!!!! Those seem to be the magic words to use with her. Write them down by your phone for the next time.
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Well handled, fligirl. :)
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I just wanted to say that sis said they were no coming up for any holiday including thanksgiving I told them that if they should come that it was an alcohol free zone and she said never mind we will go elsewhere. So the problem is solved. Thanks all for your help
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You said "God help me" but He may have already sent much help via many of the comments made here.....YOU have to decide if you want to get out of this lousy situation.. yes it is difficult but it can be done...
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Fligirl; I want to point out that your sister told you last year that they wouldn't come for CHRISTMAS from here on out, not Thanksgiving. Also, you need to figure out what YOU want and not pin this on your kids, your ex or anyone else. Sometimes, when one has this sort of difficulty figuring out one's own feelings and communicating them clearly can be helped by talking with a social worker or other mental health professional. You have a lot on your plate and you deserve to so the BEST for YOU!
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It can be hard not to have family around at holiday times. I am fortunate and have a loving "in-law" family except for 2 that have created their own delima (?) so they hardly join us anymore. It's their own issue, if they show up fine, if not fine. And my family (only have 1 brother) gets along fine. So can't offer much, other than, maybe just plain out tell her that if she wants to take your children out of her will, tell her to make a nice donation to someone who can use the money. As for coming to dinner, tell her what you have planned, maybe she can come up and have dinner with "mom" on her own time.......gee does she cook, sounds like she wants someone else to do all the hard work. good luck.
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JessieBelle, I agree 100% which what you said that holidays were for the children and the men. I would be so exhausted trying to make the holidays bright that I could never enjoy them myself. Especially Christmas, I was always the one that bought the cards which could take hours to decide [major OCD time], hand addressed the cards, wrote on the cards, wrote a hand written letter for inside the cards [this was before word processing], got the cards to the post office....

then came the gifts, OMG what to get for whom, and this was before computers were invented which meant actually going to the store or mailing off an order from a catalog and hoped it would come in time.... then wrapping all the gifts, oops got to get more wrapping paper and tape [oh no, OCD kicking in again can't decide on what pattern wrapping paper], standing in line at the post office and mailing those gifts out of town, this was also before the invention of gift cards....

then hubby would get a tree, his Christmas holiday chore was done :P

I had to decorate the tree, and run to the store for more decorations [here we go again with the OCD].... then clean the house for company, hubby thought what was the big deal, just put on fresh sheets.... [rolling eyes].... guess rooms clean themselves along with the bathrooms... and the cats changed their own litter....

I forgot to mention, I was working full-time....

then run to the grocery store, bake cookies, get meals planned, I hated cooking, I was NOT Martha Stewart, greet the guest, show them the guest rooms... and hubby wondered why I wasn't enjoying the holidays.... HELLO !!!!
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I'm running against the grain here, probably because I've always considered holidays to be a time of stress and performing. For most of my life, it has meant traveling across the country to be with a group of strangers called "family." I spent the trip showtiming. It was exhausting. Now that I am living with my mother, I find myself the hostess of the gatherings, with my mother getting angrier as the h-day approaches when family will aggregate. I don't think holidays have ever been good days for women. They were more for children and men. But I do have all these romantic ideas about what if I had sisters and a good mom, so we could all work together and talk in the kitchen, putting a yummy feast together. Breads, bird, corn, potatoes, and any other good thing that came from the oven.

I wasn't blessed with wonderful women in my life, so holidays are just things to have to get through. Having someone like your sister, fligirl, seems absolutely normal to me. She is your mother's daughter, so I would follow her lead. If people don't want to be there because someone that don't like is going to be there, they miss the meaning of the helldays... I mean holidays. :)

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Nothing is better than looking at these celebrations in the rear view mirror. I wish they could be like the Norman Rockwell pictures, but those pictures are ideals and not truths.
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It is very hard to come out and tell someone they are unwelcome no matter how awful they are especially at Thanksgiving. Good alternatives have been mentioned such as going to work at a shelter, taking a trip, or inviting everyone dutch treat to a restaurant. Restaurants are under-rated for Thanksgiving in my book. The food is all hot at the same time! If you had a therapist they would order reduced stress and minimized hosting. (just think of us as your therapist and we order it). Explain this to the family. Maybe you can plan to have your mom visit your sister for a few weeks during the December holidays and take a break and be with your sons.
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After all the trouble...she is still having this woman over for Thanksgiving? Why! She drives you crazy, your sons' obviously do not want to be around her and she upsets your Mother! Write oldbob's letter and let it go. Why ask for advise if you are going to just keep the circus going? I do not understand this reasoning!
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