Follow
Share

Sis is helping out a bit more regarding taking mom to the doctors office which is a great help to me. She said that she has been feeling so guilty so thats why she is doing it. She and her husband are still very nasty to me. So last year they said at Christmas that this will be their last Christmas up here with mom and me as they want to start spending the holidays with her husbands family and grandchildren. We were all relieved about this. So I asked my ex-husband if he would like to come over this year and he said yes. Prior to this year my sis said that if he was coming they would not be here and of course mom wanted sis which makes sense. Anyway so yesterday they were up here and stated that they were going to be coming up for Thanksgiving this year and I was shocked and said why? BIL son is having 20 plus people over there and they do not want to go now so because they have no where else to go they want to come here. I told her my ex was coming and she says oh thats ok. Then I told her I would have to talk to my sons who do not speak to her after all the bad behavior that she put us all through over the last year. She has been doing this to me my whole life and frankly I do not want them here at all. I told her I have to talk to my sons because it is up to them, its either her or them and if they won't come then I will cook dinner at my kids house. She said oh I will buy the turkey. Really? Then she says after all I have done for those kids I will just cut them out of my will. (its always about money and has been) I said well you already cut out my younger son months ago because he was sticking up for me and mom. As far as I am concerned she has burned all her bridges with my family and there is no amount of money that can change this. So here I was looking forward to a peaceful holiday and now I am not sure what the boys will say as its up to them. I will tell them I do not want her here but if they say its ok then I will try once again to make peace. Any advice?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

48 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
It's all about the Wills and who is in and who is out? Unless BOTH of you can put money issues in the toilet and flush them, stay away from each other. Never discuss business or answer the phone at dinner or read the mail or the paper and the TV is off. All those things are bad for digestion, 365 days a year. If there was an argument, Nana would take your plate away. Done.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My stomach started to hurt as I read this in sympathy for you. The holidays used to be my favorite time of year and now I dread them. What does your Mom want and how does their behavior affect her? My sibs are all like that, except for the money part. I don't have kids so I'm lucky that I don't have to take their well being into consideration, but there is no amount of money that can fix the damage she is causing and I can't imagine that witnessing her behavior isn't affecting your Mom. If it were me, I would tell her Cracker Barrel is open on Thanksgiving! It sounds like this situation is a powder keg ready to blow, the date has been set for this Thanksgiving and all you need to know is the exact time it will blow. Maybe Thanksgiving should be for your family alone and then meet them for a meal on the weekend in a public place. That could keep her from causing too much trouble in public and then when things get difficult you can get up and leave. I'll keep you and all of the families in our situation in my thoughts and pray that this year we can all get thru with a minimum of anguish.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
"Dear sister......Sorry to say but your proposed visit does not work out for us. Thank you for thinking of us. Love, Me."
You do not have to give a reason....If she calls and demands one, you could say, "Let me get this straight...you want a reason for us to not have you come on the holiday, right?" She answers, "Absolutely." You answer, "I understand what you want." Then change the subject and refuse to revisit it..

The feeling of self empowerment is worth it to me.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
I like Old Bob's answer a lot. If you want a perhaps gentler alternative (your sister is a bully, probably always has been, but maybe you want to play nice) then you might want to start a tradition, as my family did, of "second thanksgiving". Most Jewish holidays have two days, which makes it easier to please the in-laws, out - laws and silblings. Perhaps have your own family gathering on the actual date and cook your sister's turkey on the Saturday or Sunday after, have a nice afternoon with mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I like Bob's initial statement too, but i also liked the idea from ba8alou.
Can't tell if your sister is having a change of heart and wants to make up for her bad years by being nice?? but i know so many that do Christmas and/or Easter twice...
I think ba8alou has a good idea. You should be with your sons....as to the Will.
I look at if i ever get anything it's a "blessing", and i don't expect anything from my dad. If he uses it all up, that's why he saved his monies. (my dad is age 97) , my siblings are wonderful (not perfect, but wonderful), ...but totally take inheritance out...expect nothing, and you can see more clearly what to do.....
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
You do things with your family (sons/mom/ex) and if sister wants to come, let her take mom out to a restaurant on her own (maybe even on Thanksgiving). Separate your immediate family from your sister/hubby and mother. Let them (mom and sis/hubby) have their own Thanksgiving.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
It is OK to say: This is not a good time. It is ok not to answer the phone when she calls if it is not a good time for you. ALWAYS remember it is OK...
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Send sis an email, letter, whatever:

Sis, My family is going to celebrate Thanksgiving according to our original plan, which was made before you expressed an interest in coming. I know this will disappoint you since you were hoping to join us, but that is not going to work out. There are many restaurants where you can celebrate so I know you won't go hungry. - me

Don't do anything out of FEAR OBLIGATION or GUILT: FOG. Don't give reasons, don't give excuses, just say NO. Go about your life.

I would be insulted that she brought up her will. That would be enough to have her banned from my house.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Thank you all for your great advice just to clarify mom has forgotten all the trouble sis has caused so of course if I asked mom she would say yes. Also this is not about money to any of us it's always about money to her I am not in her will nor do I wish to be my point was that when she get s mad at my kids for going against her then she says she is taking them out of her will my younger son called yesterday to see if they were coming over and I said no so he said he would be right over and stayed for the whole day oh well I will let you know what happens. Thanks
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
You can take 'oldbob's advice, which is good, or consider this alternative that we did in a similar situation: Our family was dreading the upcoming Thanksgiving then we decided to let them know that we were going to the desert and camp over Thanksgiving. (we liked camping and they didn't) It worked so well that we went many more Thanksgivings after that. The point is--find something you love to do and do it. If they say they would like to join you, say anything you want, as long as it means "NO"
We were glad we did what we did. It set us free thereafter.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Chances are any money she has will go to her husband anyway. Do what you want, and don't worry about the will. She'll use that as a battering ram over you for the rest of your life.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
So tell me again your sister has always treated you badly, you don't really want her coming to your house, your sons don't like her either and you are inviting an ex-spouse to dine with you? Have you lost your mind? Stop trying to be the nice guy(gal) here. You have tried, it has failed over and over and over. Let this toxic relationship go. It will only bring you sorrow. I am speaking from experience with three sisters who have treated me so badly and I tried and tried to bring us together, but in the end nothing has worked. You cannot force someone who does not respect and love you to do so. Enjoy your holidays with people who truly love you. Just send your sister good thoughts, but do not have her in your life. Enough said.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
OldBob would you please come over and tell them what you said? lol Seriously they have been up here since Wednesday and I could not figure out why I have been so tired and depressed. The light bulb just went on. I know if I say no she will start trouble with my mom and tell her I said she could not come which could start another war. Also if I do let them come, I am going to tell them that this is an alcohol free zone. When she gets drunk she gets worse. None of us drink at all. I wondered why she wanted to call a truce. Of course to come. I am now so anxious and stressing over this. Thanks for the advice, I guess I just am going to have to figure this on my own. Hugs to all.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Omg, she's an alcoholic? That explains quite a bit. Please go to a couple of AL - anon meetings so that you can see why things are the way they are.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Yes I believe she is and every time she started this crap with me and my mom and my sons she was completely drunk. My sons refuse to talk to her when she is drunk and really don't want to speak to her now. I am so depressed over this situation.If I tell her not to come she will start calling mom and telling her that I don't want her there and my mom will start to get all upset all over again. She upset my mom so much several months ago my mom was crying and said she wished she would die. She finally started to cool it down. But at any time she can start the madness again. God Help Me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Fligirl, you will really benefit from going to alanin, but here's another suggestion, especially if you think that this may be mom's last thanksgiving invite a stranger. Find soneone, a neighbor, church related friend, exchange student from a local college. Find someone NOT related to you and invite them to Thanksgiving dinner. Having an outsider on hand puts most crazy relatives on their best behavior, alternatively, have sis come and cook dinner at your house whilst you go off to volunteer at the local food pantry/soup kitchen/homeless shelter. You'll feel terrific, I promise you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
The old "Do as I want or you get no money" way of controlling people... I have dealt with that, myself. The solution is to not let money rule you! I went out and got a good-paying job so that I didn't have to be a slave to someone else's money. Once money is no longer an issue, you have control....NOT THEM!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
If Mom really wants to see sis, and she can't remember the drama started before, just have 2 Thanksgivings, like Old Bob suggested. I would also recommend having no alcohol at the house, but don't make a big deal of it, just don't serve it. If she brings a bottle of wine, tell her, "Thank you, but we prefer our holiday to remain alcohol free. You can take it home it with you and celebrate later if you prefer".
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
After all the trouble...she is still having this woman over for Thanksgiving? Why! She drives you crazy, your sons' obviously do not want to be around her and she upsets your Mother! Write oldbob's letter and let it go. Why ask for advise if you are going to just keep the circus going? I do not understand this reasoning!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It is very hard to come out and tell someone they are unwelcome no matter how awful they are especially at Thanksgiving. Good alternatives have been mentioned such as going to work at a shelter, taking a trip, or inviting everyone dutch treat to a restaurant. Restaurants are under-rated for Thanksgiving in my book. The food is all hot at the same time! If you had a therapist they would order reduced stress and minimized hosting. (just think of us as your therapist and we order it). Explain this to the family. Maybe you can plan to have your mom visit your sister for a few weeks during the December holidays and take a break and be with your sons.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I'm running against the grain here, probably because I've always considered holidays to be a time of stress and performing. For most of my life, it has meant traveling across the country to be with a group of strangers called "family." I spent the trip showtiming. It was exhausting. Now that I am living with my mother, I find myself the hostess of the gatherings, with my mother getting angrier as the h-day approaches when family will aggregate. I don't think holidays have ever been good days for women. They were more for children and men. But I do have all these romantic ideas about what if I had sisters and a good mom, so we could all work together and talk in the kitchen, putting a yummy feast together. Breads, bird, corn, potatoes, and any other good thing that came from the oven.

I wasn't blessed with wonderful women in my life, so holidays are just things to have to get through. Having someone like your sister, fligirl, seems absolutely normal to me. She is your mother's daughter, so I would follow her lead. If people don't want to be there because someone that don't like is going to be there, they miss the meaning of the helldays... I mean holidays. :)

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Nothing is better than looking at these celebrations in the rear view mirror. I wish they could be like the Norman Rockwell pictures, but those pictures are ideals and not truths.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
JessieBelle, I agree 100% which what you said that holidays were for the children and the men. I would be so exhausted trying to make the holidays bright that I could never enjoy them myself. Especially Christmas, I was always the one that bought the cards which could take hours to decide [major OCD time], hand addressed the cards, wrote on the cards, wrote a hand written letter for inside the cards [this was before word processing], got the cards to the post office....

then came the gifts, OMG what to get for whom, and this was before computers were invented which meant actually going to the store or mailing off an order from a catalog and hoped it would come in time.... then wrapping all the gifts, oops got to get more wrapping paper and tape [oh no, OCD kicking in again can't decide on what pattern wrapping paper], standing in line at the post office and mailing those gifts out of town, this was also before the invention of gift cards....

then hubby would get a tree, his Christmas holiday chore was done :P

I had to decorate the tree, and run to the store for more decorations [here we go again with the OCD].... then clean the house for company, hubby thought what was the big deal, just put on fresh sheets.... [rolling eyes].... guess rooms clean themselves along with the bathrooms... and the cats changed their own litter....

I forgot to mention, I was working full-time....

then run to the grocery store, bake cookies, get meals planned, I hated cooking, I was NOT Martha Stewart, greet the guest, show them the guest rooms... and hubby wondered why I wasn't enjoying the holidays.... HELLO !!!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
It can be hard not to have family around at holiday times. I am fortunate and have a loving "in-law" family except for 2 that have created their own delima (?) so they hardly join us anymore. It's their own issue, if they show up fine, if not fine. And my family (only have 1 brother) gets along fine. So can't offer much, other than, maybe just plain out tell her that if she wants to take your children out of her will, tell her to make a nice donation to someone who can use the money. As for coming to dinner, tell her what you have planned, maybe she can come up and have dinner with "mom" on her own time.......gee does she cook, sounds like she wants someone else to do all the hard work. good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Fligirl; I want to point out that your sister told you last year that they wouldn't come for CHRISTMAS from here on out, not Thanksgiving. Also, you need to figure out what YOU want and not pin this on your kids, your ex or anyone else. Sometimes, when one has this sort of difficulty figuring out one's own feelings and communicating them clearly can be helped by talking with a social worker or other mental health professional. You have a lot on your plate and you deserve to so the BEST for YOU!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
You said "God help me" but He may have already sent much help via many of the comments made here.....YOU have to decide if you want to get out of this lousy situation.. yes it is difficult but it can be done...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I just wanted to say that sis said they were no coming up for any holiday including thanksgiving I told them that if they should come that it was an alcohol free zone and she said never mind we will go elsewhere. So the problem is solved. Thanks all for your help
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Well handled, fligirl. :)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Well done!!!! Those seem to be the magic words to use with her. Write them down by your phone for the next time.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Family troubles are a real pain. I would tell her you have the holiday planned and there is no room for her at the table. Make sure she knows she can visit mom, after the meal.
You made plans around her plans, then she changes her mind, that's too bad. You want the holiday to be 'nice' quiet with close family, the two of you have grown apart. Good luck
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
If I read your question, properly, I get the impression that your mom would prefer to see your sister for a holiday as opposed to not seeing her. So, are you doing this just for your Mom? If so, I agree with the restaurant suggestion. When you have a misbehaving relative, they make things miserable for everyone else. The idea to invite a stranger means that that person will possibly behave better when they're in-sight of that person but there's still ample opportunity for the relative to cause havoc behind-the-scenes.

If you're not doing this for Mom, don't bother with it. I would just tell her that you have your plans set and can't change them, at this point. In fact, I'd use this excuse for every holiday where she plans to visit.

As an alternative, send Mom to visit your sister. Or, have your sister visit (and stay in a hotel - not with you) when it's not a holiday and things are less stressful.

Holidays are just the worst time to get together when your family has these kinds of issues, says one who has a similar situation to deal with.

By the way, my mom and I have been invited to some of my friends house for Thanksgiving. She and I said "yes" and I will not change this for any reason. I told these friends I'd do anything they need to help them out - even run to the store for last-minute forgotten items - that's how grateful I am that I'm not cooking for anyone at my own house!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter