Follow
Share

Sis is helping out a bit more regarding taking mom to the doctors office which is a great help to me. She said that she has been feeling so guilty so thats why she is doing it. She and her husband are still very nasty to me. So last year they said at Christmas that this will be their last Christmas up here with mom and me as they want to start spending the holidays with her husbands family and grandchildren. We were all relieved about this. So I asked my ex-husband if he would like to come over this year and he said yes. Prior to this year my sis said that if he was coming they would not be here and of course mom wanted sis which makes sense. Anyway so yesterday they were up here and stated that they were going to be coming up for Thanksgiving this year and I was shocked and said why? BIL son is having 20 plus people over there and they do not want to go now so because they have no where else to go they want to come here. I told her my ex was coming and she says oh thats ok. Then I told her I would have to talk to my sons who do not speak to her after all the bad behavior that she put us all through over the last year. She has been doing this to me my whole life and frankly I do not want them here at all. I told her I have to talk to my sons because it is up to them, its either her or them and if they won't come then I will cook dinner at my kids house. She said oh I will buy the turkey. Really? Then she says after all I have done for those kids I will just cut them out of my will. (its always about money and has been) I said well you already cut out my younger son months ago because he was sticking up for me and mom. As far as I am concerned she has burned all her bridges with my family and there is no amount of money that can change this. So here I was looking forward to a peaceful holiday and now I am not sure what the boys will say as its up to them. I will tell them I do not want her here but if they say its ok then I will try once again to make peace. Any advice?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
"Dear sister......Sorry to say but your proposed visit does not work out for us. Thank you for thinking of us. Love, Me."
You do not have to give a reason....If she calls and demands one, you could say, "Let me get this straight...you want a reason for us to not have you come on the holiday, right?" She answers, "Absolutely." You answer, "I understand what you want." Then change the subject and refuse to revisit it..

The feeling of self empowerment is worth it to me.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

It is OK to say: This is not a good time. It is ok not to answer the phone when she calls if it is not a good time for you. ALWAYS remember it is OK...
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

So tell me again your sister has always treated you badly, you don't really want her coming to your house, your sons don't like her either and you are inviting an ex-spouse to dine with you? Have you lost your mind? Stop trying to be the nice guy(gal) here. You have tried, it has failed over and over and over. Let this toxic relationship go. It will only bring you sorrow. I am speaking from experience with three sisters who have treated me so badly and I tried and tried to bring us together, but in the end nothing has worked. You cannot force someone who does not respect and love you to do so. Enjoy your holidays with people who truly love you. Just send your sister good thoughts, but do not have her in your life. Enough said.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

JessieBelle, I agree 100% which what you said that holidays were for the children and the men. I would be so exhausted trying to make the holidays bright that I could never enjoy them myself. Especially Christmas, I was always the one that bought the cards which could take hours to decide [major OCD time], hand addressed the cards, wrote on the cards, wrote a hand written letter for inside the cards [this was before word processing], got the cards to the post office....

then came the gifts, OMG what to get for whom, and this was before computers were invented which meant actually going to the store or mailing off an order from a catalog and hoped it would come in time.... then wrapping all the gifts, oops got to get more wrapping paper and tape [oh no, OCD kicking in again can't decide on what pattern wrapping paper], standing in line at the post office and mailing those gifts out of town, this was also before the invention of gift cards....

then hubby would get a tree, his Christmas holiday chore was done :P

I had to decorate the tree, and run to the store for more decorations [here we go again with the OCD].... then clean the house for company, hubby thought what was the big deal, just put on fresh sheets.... [rolling eyes].... guess rooms clean themselves along with the bathrooms... and the cats changed their own litter....

I forgot to mention, I was working full-time....

then run to the grocery store, bake cookies, get meals planned, I hated cooking, I was NOT Martha Stewart, greet the guest, show them the guest rooms... and hubby wondered why I wasn't enjoying the holidays.... HELLO !!!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Fligirl, you will really benefit from going to alanin, but here's another suggestion, especially if you think that this may be mom's last thanksgiving invite a stranger. Find soneone, a neighbor, church related friend, exchange student from a local college. Find someone NOT related to you and invite them to Thanksgiving dinner. Having an outsider on hand puts most crazy relatives on their best behavior, alternatively, have sis come and cook dinner at your house whilst you go off to volunteer at the local food pantry/soup kitchen/homeless shelter. You'll feel terrific, I promise you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

It is very hard to come out and tell someone they are unwelcome no matter how awful they are especially at Thanksgiving. Good alternatives have been mentioned such as going to work at a shelter, taking a trip, or inviting everyone dutch treat to a restaurant. Restaurants are under-rated for Thanksgiving in my book. The food is all hot at the same time! If you had a therapist they would order reduced stress and minimized hosting. (just think of us as your therapist and we order it). Explain this to the family. Maybe you can plan to have your mom visit your sister for a few weeks during the December holidays and take a break and be with your sons.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

My stomach started to hurt as I read this in sympathy for you. The holidays used to be my favorite time of year and now I dread them. What does your Mom want and how does their behavior affect her? My sibs are all like that, except for the money part. I don't have kids so I'm lucky that I don't have to take their well being into consideration, but there is no amount of money that can fix the damage she is causing and I can't imagine that witnessing her behavior isn't affecting your Mom. If it were me, I would tell her Cracker Barrel is open on Thanksgiving! It sounds like this situation is a powder keg ready to blow, the date has been set for this Thanksgiving and all you need to know is the exact time it will blow. Maybe Thanksgiving should be for your family alone and then meet them for a meal on the weekend in a public place. That could keep her from causing too much trouble in public and then when things get difficult you can get up and leave. I'll keep you and all of the families in our situation in my thoughts and pray that this year we can all get thru with a minimum of anguish.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Omg, she's an alcoholic? That explains quite a bit. Please go to a couple of AL - anon meetings so that you can see why things are the way they are.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Fligirl; I want to point out that your sister told you last year that they wouldn't come for CHRISTMAS from here on out, not Thanksgiving. Also, you need to figure out what YOU want and not pin this on your kids, your ex or anyone else. Sometimes, when one has this sort of difficulty figuring out one's own feelings and communicating them clearly can be helped by talking with a social worker or other mental health professional. You have a lot on your plate and you deserve to so the BEST for YOU!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Well done!!!! Those seem to be the magic words to use with her. Write them down by your phone for the next time.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.