Anyone else out there single and caregiving?

She's actually a nurse.

Any relationship needs compassion and understanding to grow. The honeymoon period with your girlfriend is gone. Decide what you want go's and who you want to care for. Either place mom if the girlfriend is a relationship you want or it is time for girlfriend to leave. She is showing her true colors, not everyone has what it takes to be a caregiver. If you want to continue to care for mom, and want help, the girlfriend is not the person for the task.

I thought I was ready for a relationship and began dating someone. One thing led to another and she moved in with me. mom stays in my house and has Alzheimer's. I have aides in the house during the day and a few nights a week but that's not enough for my girlfriend.
I understand the strain of caregiving on a relationship bu, my girlfriend has more or less begged me to place mom in a nursing home. I've looked but, it's a tough decision to contend with. My girlfriend has got to the point where she doesn't give me a hand anymore (when the aides aren't there) and she stays at the other end of the house. The tension is bad and I find it as fuel to the fire.
Things are hard enough with mom and trying to deal with finances etc....but now I have the pressure of being told to place Mom in a nursing home etc......the two just don't mix that well.

a man would just give us one more person to care for who would always want to solve our problems and fix everything.. Who needs it?!

I'm single, have been care giving for over 10 years... Dating? What's that? I haven't had a professional haircut in all that time, I have probably forgotten how to put make up on, and I've gone from being a fit, in shape, and yes, pretty damn hot woman, to...an out of shape lump. :/ With the last 5-6 years being housebound, I don't even know what a man looks like anymore.... I'd like one...but how? Who has time? Maybe someday... I would like to have sex again at least once more before I die... *snickers*

You are probably right Capt....I could use a good.............nights sleep. ;)

to the gals who would rather catch up on uninterupted sleep than to date. pssst, youd sleep better after some ' interpersonal adult activity' ..

I agree with Jess1234, we have to find a balance through all of our life transitions. I am learning to develop a social life that has been dormant for over 7 years. I too got sick from the stress. Mom has her social life at the assisted living, why should I neglect myself. I am fortunate she is thriving there and I can now explore my options, while caring for her. I even played cards with neighbors yesterday and volunteered at the animal shelter. This at least got me out among the living and interacting with others, while having fun. Good topic. Hey, no luck on the dating sites. Guess, I am too selective.

well that guy did not work out he said I was unemotional to him but to caring to my mother what a jerk. I guess talking about dating is not such a good thing. I jinx myself.

Gosh, my heart goes out to all of you...I know that lately I have been feeling awfully lonely, but I am an emotional wreck, just watching a Hallmark movie...I know that dating is so difficult for myself personally especially when my mom needs me so much. I cry so easily anyways, that to get involved with someone at this time would be overwhelming. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in what I feel. Thank you everyone for sharing.

I'm on a dating site. And the first guy I met I'm dating. Of course my mom hates him and no one is good enough. And who knows if it will work. He is care free has no problems has a mom 90 who drives and is happy in another state. He does not get my mom at all. And probally thinks I will end up just like her. That's what guys usually think. I try really hard to be the opposite and I always have. I've been having some fun. And my mom has only spent 1 night alone. so not to bad..

Try a meetup for caregivers. Even if you only meet other ladies, maybe they have a friend or nephew.

YES, keep your heart and eyes open for love!

Online dating has a lot of fakers, but with caution, if can be a great way to socialize.....heck if you have time for this site, you have time for match.com.

I met my BF just before my dad got ill, he stood by me for 3 tough years. I always reserved Saturday nights for him....even if the only thing I was up for was take out and TV. Part of what he likes about me is how I handled the problems. He cares for his mom as well, she is now in an ALF. We are both busy career professionals, we found support and strength in each other.

Best of luck and love to you.

L

We could always use Skype or Google+ Hangouts!! :-)

And now, there is the speed dating that those career oriented 20 and 30 somethings partake in. Maybe an online speed dating, strictly for caregivers? This is very funny and virtually impossible especially when you have to be at home virtually all hours of the day, just in case..... But then maybe there is another caregiver in your area that has a potential date for your loved one? It could be a double date, centered on caregiving ;}

I just joined. After one of those particularly bad days with my Mother who has so many medical issues that is hard to remember them all and with no one to talk to about the myriad of pent up feeling and emotions that I deal with every day. I have read every post from each of you. All 34 pages. I must commend you all for doing what you do. All of your posts have given me some peace and a feeling of not being so isolated. I am on a few of those dating sites. I am actually trying to juggle dating and care giving without much success. At my age men are looking for spontaneity and want to travel. Most times when a possible date becomes aware of what being a full time caregiver is about they move on fast. I have had to take a leave of absence from my career so my financial future and my own retirement scare the heck out me. I have started some online classes hoping it will give me the opportunity to provide for myself and still care for my Mom. Yet still it is a lonely existence and it would be nice to just have someone around once in awhile but I do try to make lemonade from the lemons. Thank you all so much for sharing yourselves.

It absolutely amazes me on how some of you work!! My schedule is my mom's so never, ever regular. What employer would put up with that. Some of you are lucky that you have worked for the same employer many years, and they will work with you. But, what if you are looking for work?

So, dating, that is something completely foreign and not even thought about. I have a friend that I could not have done this without, because my own family sure isn't there. This friend also comes to visit my mom often, brings her flowers, and offers her a change of pace which is invaluable to me, you know, the distraction.

Awh, I think it is very kind of you to be helping your loved one. There is nothing wrong with dating but just try and keep a balance. Be honest with yourself and the women you may meet. Hang in there, your post brightened my day!

mykabond, I'm single and a 24/7 caregiver for my 95 yr old dad with Alz., so like almost all other 24/7 caregivers there's no time to even think about dating, let alone go out on an actual date. But you may be on to something with an online dating site for single caregivers only who are doing this full time.

BoniChak, I agree, if I had the time, I'd rather be sleeping too.
whitesage and daughteralone - I so relate to what you're both saying.
I get two, 4 hour breaks a week. The paid caregiver gets here at 12:30pm; I've already put in at least 5 hours. Rarely am I ready myself to bolt out the door. I always spend about 10 minutes going over stuff with cg, so already 20 minutes gone. Then I race around like a maniac trying to run all my errands, grocery shop and be home with 15 mins to spare to put said groceries away, touch base with cg and start dinner. I still have another 4-5 hours to go before dad goes to bed........
This Friday, I'm just excited to be meeting 2 girlfriends for lunch!! I've alloted an hour and 1/2 for this. Found something half-way decent to wear (instead of my usual sweats/t-shirt) and am contemplating wearing some make-up - that is, if anything I have left is not totally dried out and I remember how to apply it and if I have the time to apply.

When this journey is over, I do want to date again (hopefully there will be some new product out by then to cover effectively cover the wrinkles, bags and lines).

myka, you're never alone on this board, 'one day at a time' and happy thoughts to you!!

arrow2stoozie: dating would be just one more thing to do!!! Put it on the LIST.. lol
This is too funny!!! Your list must be as long as mine

to lkmichael63- try' TV ears' ..sold at Radio shack. Your elders will probably like them..I cared for years for my Mother and the TV was a million decibels , I could hear it everywhere in the house. This is noise pollution .. Not good . Your parents will benefit a great deal , if they don't like them, you can return them. The house can be returned to a peaceful environment ..good grief, the loud commercials alone drove me crazy! Good luck!

to daughteralone...Get a clue dear, if you can't get out at least once a week for R&R you will suffer loneliness and depression and won't be much good for yourself or your Mother. You are not an elder and you must have a life as well! Please find some dear friend to relieve you and stay with your elder for at least 6 to 8 hours twice a month at least! You may have to pay someone, network to find someone you trust with your elder. I have been there done that..never got a break and I got sick and lost the social beat..I am getting better now, and see how crazy "selflessness" is .

I've decided to reach out to my friends (men and women) and have "dates" with them when time permits. Even if it's just having someone over to the house and we sit on the deck while Mom and Dad are inside, watching tv (which is so loud, by the way, that I can hear it on the deck with the door closed!). I'm not tied down as much as many of you, yet, but it's still hard to date because I feel guilty when I go out, knowing that Mom and Dad are at home even though they can be alone for a while.

I think for women who are caregiving and dating, it is not so much going on the actual date, but getting ready before the date; i.e., shower, wash, dry and set hair, full make-up, pick out clothes. Clean up apartment before he arrives, if he is picking you up at your apt., etc. Even meeting a blind date for coffee at a local mall or something, involves getting somewhat dressed up. When I am doing caregiving, I virtually wear no make-up, mostly baggy clothes, and flats.

Yes it is difficult to find the time for just about anything these days including dating. I know how you feel captain. I am on dating sites but too stressed to show my pic except here. I am single, looking for work for two years, intelligent, but also exhausted and miss the company of men. I have to get out there or I will go even more stir crazy than I already am...LOL

Dating?? What is that? When I divorced about 19 years ago my child and earning enough money to keep us afloat was all that consumed my everyday thinking. I have been caregiving for family since about 2003 and raising my daughter who is ready to graduate college. Honestly I have not had time to even look for someone to date, if I am not running a 100 miles an hour to care for the house, the bills, my mother, the dog, then I am passed out on my bed asleep. I would love some companionship and to go to a movie or out to dinner or a weekend away, but I don't know how you do that. This job is so incredibly demanding that I do not know of one person who would willingly walk into it or walk into a relationship with someone doing it. Now if you are able to hire a caregiver to work in shifts with you which gives you time off, that is wonderful, however I am 24/7.

I left 2 days ago to go on a 9 day vacation and left my unemployed sibling in charge, she has called me screaming at me every single day, and swears she is moving and will never do this again. Nine days is all I wanted!

So although I would LOVE to have a good relationship with a man, it looks pretty impossible to me, in my situation.

God Bless You in your search! I hope you find someone, I really do!!!

Lloyd, you don't need anyone that is like this, I'd say it is a terrific way to separate the dross from the fine metals.

captain, thanks for the giggles I needed that today :)

Great comments Madeaa. A couple of woman who showed signs of interest in me, thought that I was blowing them off when I said that I don't have the time or the energy to start a new relationship (my mother has Stage 5 Alzheimer's). In a way, I don't blame them, it is hard for people to understand the emotional and physical toll caring for someone with this disease takes on you.

You can bet that anyone who has not taken care of someone does not get it. I had people tell me to put my cat to sleep because I was moving and it was too inconvenient to bring him. Some people have no idea what it is to love and truly care for someone or something, but sure do know about their own needs. I am not saying that someone should not put their own needs first, I am saying that if you make the choice to take the responsiblity on for another human being or pet it is not to be taken lightly and some just can't get that concept, for some it scares them.

If people are not caregivers they do not get it...I don't even engage them anymore. one friend said "why don't you put her in a home?"....I knew she was really saying "your not around to do stuff with anymore"...so it is one moment at a time and adjust.
I like that comment "If I had time for a date I'd sleep" funny..dating would be just one more thing to do!!! Put it on the LIST.. lol