Sibling threatening to leave dementia parent on door step. Is there anything I can do to stop this from happening?

Has your sibling been sole care taker and is tired and thinks you should share the the responsibility or is there more back story here we need to know?

Troll Alert!
You may be entering the twilight zone.

Are you all living in the same area? Laws are different in different states. What are your mother's financial resources? It sounds like neither one of you can care for your mother, who has dementia. Can you find an assisted living/memory care facility that can care for her? The person with POA should be the one to find a safe and good facility for her, and if that is not you, you can certainly help. Your mother's assets and financial situation will determine what she can afford, unless you and your sibling want to and can contribute financially to her care. Get in touch with a social worker who can advise on the options for your mother and you.

Before you get to that point call Adult Protective Services ( or your local equivelent service) and they will arrange for her care. You or someone in family will be asked to become official guardian if she needs one.

Having dementia mom dropped off at your doorstep sounds like a terrifying scenario? Imagine your sibling who has been stuck living with her 24 hours a day, seven days a week? What kind of life do you think they have? Why is it you think you are entitled to not do the same share of caring for your mom as your sibling? She is equally your mom too. Is your sibling getting paid? If not, I'd look deeply into your own behavior. Your sibling needs help and probably asked for it a hundred different ways only to find the request falling on deaf ears.

Many people here keep posting that the sibling must be suffering from burn out. In fact the mother was in a facility that this sibling placed her in that was expensive after removing her from another. It is with this disregard that we are now without money for a place to live. That responsibility lies with the sibling that created this mess. That said Send Help can and should look into legal control so that they can get financial support for long Term Care for Mom. Doorsteps are not safe and maybe even the home itself, stairs and location would make it not safe. Talk and research A.S.A.P. with your sibling and a lawyer for elder care.

"Calling the cops on Mom" is a misinterpretation of why people call the authorities for "Help" or assistance. Transfer Mom from Missouri to Atlanta and then Wisconsin does not sound safe or wise.

APS, and 911 are in it together to assist elders who require more care than can be provided at home for a vulnerable adult. If you call APS, the sheriff/police are required to also investigate. The goal is to get Mom immediate care so there is no neglect.

People need to read the updates by the OP:
THE OP name is MADDOGS has said:
["Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.]

MADDDOGS continues to state: [ "Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home. " ]

It sounds like a cry for help. Believe me it's not that I didn't love my Mother but I thought about that several times during my time I cared for my mom. You aren't there enough obviously so you don't see the things your sibling is experiencing with your mom. It is said it is the most rewarding job there is to care for a parent but it is also the hardest. You love your mom so much but there is nothing you can do to keep your loved one from slipping away and it is very hard to go through alone. The job of caregiving isn't always a physical weight to bear you need to step up and assist your sibling. Don't make them watch mom disappear alone, they will resent you for the rest of their lives if you do. I'm sure also a little of that frustration gets directed at your mom also so it could give your mother so much peace. She is confused enough about what is happening to her now she is wondering why her children are fighting because of her. If you can't give your sibling help maybe counseling would good, it always helps to vent to someone and you are not listening for a cry for help. I am praying for your Mother.

it sounds to me that you not offering any kind of help at all.
I have an elderly mother with the help of my GF soon to be wife that helps me with my mother. I have a younger brother who does not lift a finger to help at all and will not. Are you that person?

If you are either say you don't give a flip of your mother or step up.. one or the other.

"...stop that from happening and what I should do in the event it does happen?"

I think talk. Now. With honestly. Aim: To diffuse this bomb.

Kindly joke your home is not a refuge for 'Granny Dumps'.
If you need to spell it out simple: Do not dump Mom here. It won't solve things.
Ask your sister what she REALLY needs?

You may choose to help her, to help find the next path for your Mom, or maybe you choose not to. (Based on the past, family history whatever). If so, make your boundaries clear.

I suppose you can't stop your Sister driving to your home.. but you do not need to answer your door?

Is she a caring type but naive & now maybe feeling desparate? Or a first rate drama lover, wants a showdown with you?

What's the actual likelihood of her driving off leaving an elderly lady out front alone??

If the chance is slim, work on diffusing your own worries. If high... 😨 I don't know! Hide inside & let a neighbour call the Cops??

You need to talk to your sibling. Maybe they need some help or support which you are not providing. Care should never fall on one person. It generally does, and it shouldn't.

Isn't there any other kind of agreement you can come to? Like finding a nice home Where she could live. Or another family member who might be willing to take her??

Although you've provided a little more information ("back story"), there is still too much unknown. Did mom have assets to pay for AL? Was someone POA? Who is the "We" in "We are out of money"? Were her funds/assets just used up by AL or were they mismanaged?

If sister was POA, she should have been monitoring her funds and should have known the assets were running out. Action needed to be taken before that happened. If no one was POA, who was paying the bills? Has anyone provided accounting for where her assets went?

Regardless of why sister moved her or why there is no more money to pay the bills, the important factor in all this is your mother. She needs care. She will likely need a new place to live. It will have to be paid for somehow. If your sister isn't competent enough to tackle the Medicaid route, someone needs to do it.

Rather than asking if it's legal for her to drop mom off on your doorstep, ask what you can do to help out in making the necessary changes happen. This might require hiring legal assistance - not to protect you from her dropping mom off, but to help sort the situation out and get help for your mother.

My brothers were of very little help, early on in mom's care needs. Basically they more or less disappeared into the woodwork. I was managing everything for her, paying her bills, arranging repair/clean of condo to sell it, and much more, alone. Had mom been about to run out of funds, I would have been the one to search around and find another place for her and get through the Medicaid issues. I couldn't count on them for help. It would have been nice to have some help, even if just emotional support, but other help would have been even better. BE the support mom needs. If sister is that desperate, someone needs to take this on and bring it to a GOOD solution.

NOTE: to the best of my understanding, most Medicaid programs (federally funded, but managed by states) have their own rules and residency requirements. IF Medicaid would be needed, it would be best to work with the state she is currently living in.

Your sister/brother needs help.
Offer to help her/him look for Memory Care facilities that will be in an area that is convenient for both of you. (if you both live in the same area)
If you live a distance from her/him you could offer to come and tour them together. Or support your sibling in the decision that is made when choosing one.
Tell your sibling that IF mom gets dumped on your doorstep you will be looking for Memory Care in your area. You are not going to be sole caregiver to mom.
IF there is the possibility that mom is being mistreated (I do not want to use the word abused) it is likely due to caregiver burnout there are resources your sibling can take advantage of.
Local Agency on Aging.
Hospice (by the way Medicare covers Respite care while a patient is on Hospice)
Hiring caregivers (paid for by moms assets)
Placing mom in Memory Care is not "giving up, or failing" it is recognizing that you can not do it all and that you need help safely caring for your loved one.
Safely by the way is not just your mom's safety but yours and your siblings. And it is not just physical safety it is mental, emotional safety.

My 88 y/o father lives with me. He is bedridden and has dementia. He has lived with us for 3 years now. I am his only caregiver, and I am burnt out to say the least! He has a retired son, and a retired daughter who have not done one thing to help out! If I could get him to their doorstep, I probably would! I would like to hear the other side of this story!

Your sibling can do this. Nothing can stop him/her from this action.

However, the fact that your sibling is threatening this action points out that something must change. It appears that your sibling is suffering burn out. Talk to this sibling and ask if he/she gets their basic needs met: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, "time off" to take care their own health needs, and "time off" to recharge their "batteries" doing fun activities with people they enjoy. I would guess that some of these areas are not being met. The answer is that more resources are needed:

1 - Respite care. Help your sibling arrange respite care for the parent so the sibling can have a "vacation" from caregiving. Many nursing homes and home health care agencies can provide resources for this.

2 - More help. Enlist the aid of other family members, friends, members of faith community and paid help to take on some caregiving duties so that your sibling can achieve a better balance between self care and caregiving.

3 - Full time residential care. In cases of progressive dementia, there comes a time when the person with dementia needs care 24/7/365. The usual clue that this time has come is when the caregiver is awakened throughout the night to meet needs. If this is the case, help your sibling by researching residential facilities in the area. Then, arrange time to talk about moving your parent to one of these facilities.

Help your sibling to get your mother the care she need. Talk to her about the alternatives which include nursing home care; help for your sibling. Of course, if neither you nor your sibling is willing (or able) to care for your mother. You can call Adult protection services and relinguish your mother to them.

Unfortunately there are no pre-emptive measures or legal remedies to prevent your sister's threatened action - a threat born of desperation or vindictiveness which is more about your relationship with Sis than your Mom's well-being.
It's tragic how families can fall apart like this. We assume roles we never thought possible; the martyr, the misunderstood, the bankroller...

Your question is clear - can you stop it from happening. The answer is no, not by third party remedy. You can call the police when it happens but there's no turning back from that action. The chasm between you and your sister will become permanent and you'll be the 'bad guy' .

Only you know what your sister wants from you. A threat like this is a demand. What does she want from you?

If you want to share what that is, you might get some helpful feedback...

You and Sis are the only preventive measure. You're both in the wrong and you're both right. One of you doesn't say much, one of you goes on and on, and neither of you can listen.

But both of you are hurting. And I know how awful that is.

You should see this threat as a cry for help. This sibling sounds very burnout. Look at it through her point of view. Maybe arrange to take care of Mom for a while or hire care to help. This is a cry for help.

Only hearing one side of the story here and it's not from the person managing moms care.  I am guessing your sister needs help and is trying to make the best decisions she can given the circumstances.  Just for the record, there are no inexpensive assisted living facilities...they are all pretty pricey.  Two weeks ago I moved mom from assisted living into memory care.  She can only afford to stay there for a little over a year and then she will be out of money.  We will have to apply for medicare and move her once again into a facility that takes medicare.  The difference between the two are pretty drastic.  The ones that are medicare friendly look, smell and feel more like a nursing home.  I realize it is more devastating for the family member moving them there than it is the person with dementia, but..

How involved are you with the care of your mom?  Is your sister completely alone in this?  The stress of making the decisions and physically taking on the move is a lot.  Have you made a trip there to assess what your sister is dealing with and made any attempt to help?  I would start there before putting the effort into legal council.

Can’t believe how some of us treat their parents when money runs out...
your sibling is desperate and burnt out ... what don’t you understand ??
you need work together and give your mother the help she needs.
Your kids will probably feel same about you as you’re quite an example ....

Honestly this leaves me speechless. Almost. She is not a bag of trash with two siblings fighting about who has to take it out. She is your mother. Have some compassion. 😔. She cannot care for herself. No doubt she raised both of you, does that deserve any respect? You want to protect "your" family from her. Is she not part of your family too? My gosh, I'm sorry but your attitude is beyond comprehension.

I do not have all the details, but it sounds like your sister is completely burned out. Other issues maybe involved, as well. Should this happen, take your mom to the ER. Explain the situation to the social worker. Be adamant that you do not have the resources or support to take care of her... at all.

This is a cry for help. Your sister needs help, a vacation, a break. Listen to your sister’s needs.

if you can’t help out with your mom, hire someone to stand in for your share of the work.

I was one that did drop my mother in law off at her daughter's place when she refused to help me out for taking her for a few weeks while I left Florida to go to Ohio to help my mom as my dad had just died. They told me a lie and said they were on some kind of disability where they couldn't have anyone live with them (even for a few weeks) or they would loose it. They were scared I wouldn't take her back. I did drop her off and I did pick her back up three weeks later. (they were a full days drive from us (they lived in Tennessee.)

Using counsel on aging I got the information I needed to get her started with SSI and Medicaid. I had to walk it through (much faster that way) but got it done. About a year later she had to be moved to a nursing home. Thank God it was also really nice and less than a mile from where I lived so I could check on her every day.

I loved my mother in law and for years we had her living with us with no problem. But when I came home from work and found her heating up a can of left over cat food (tuna) I knew she couldn't be left alone any more. I was blessed that I found places that would use only her income (at the time she had a tiny amount of SS) and were super nice.

It's interesting because even though I had no legal rights to my mom in law I was allowed to be in charge of everything for her and sign all the papers during each yearly check up with the care homes. She had a tiny amount of SS coming in and I think that made it easier to get her into assisted living to begin with. I know my husband was glad he didn't have to do it and was just glad to let me handle everything. He was working out of state so really couldn't help.

Sometimes when the other people in the family won't help you have to take steps such as forcing the issue like I had to. I was lucky. It worked for us.

Realization1: NO ONE person can do it all! Not fair; not possible! When dementia is a factor, help
is badly needed! Don’t fight; work togethet’

Didn’t your sister think about any of this before she moved your mom? Why does she think her screw up is now your problem to solve?

Maddog replied further down

"My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta."

So sister has not been physically caring for Mom. Now the money is gone. Reason I said Medicaid should have been applied for at least 3 months prior to money running out.

With your sibling threatening to leave your dementia mom on your door step I'm wondering if they have asked for help and you've not offered any--for whatever reason--poor family history, unable to help, whatever. There's a reason for two or three shifts of care in nursing homes. No one person can do it and your sibling has realized they have no reserves left for mom. Be proactive and consult Area Agency on Aging or find a geriatric social worker. Make this a team effort to keep the mayhem and terror dialed down. Is your mom eligible for Medicare and Medicaid? She can be placed in a facility with 24 hour care. Her assets may need to be spent down to qualify for Medicaid. Relieve the caregiver, find a safe place for mom.

With updates given it seems that "out of money" to care for Mom is the issue. If that is the case I very much disagree with family "paying money". The truth is that we all need to save our money so that we don't become the issue when WE are in this position. No money and no home and no caregivers, and someone threatening to drop US on the doorstep.
If Mom is dropped on the doorstep a return to the facility or the ER is what needs to happen, then application to medicaid and placement in LTC where the squabbling family can visit her.
I imagine Mom gets some SS. But often women who did not work in their lifetimes end up with very little SS, unless widowed and able to receive husband's better amounts monthly. Apparently the caregiver feels that the "money is gone" and wants Mom gone now as well. So medicaid and placement is the answer if other siblings don't want to end up where this sibling is currently. With so few details this is about all I can come up with.