Sibling threatening to leave dementia parent on door step. Is there anything I can do to stop this from happening?

Obviously the best place for mom is a facility and indeed, that is where she has been. This is sounding to me like two siblings locking horns and maybe OP took the attitude that if sis removed mom from care in Missouri, than it would all be on her to fix. I can kind of understand that - after all, if the facility in MO was a decent place, then why move mom? Because she was complaining? Well that happens and unless the complaints are researched and seen to be valid, then ignore mom's complaints. Sometimes there is really no other way. The sibling who took mom to Atlanta really had the responsibility to think ahead about the financial aspect.

How heartless! I think he doesn't want to take care of her in any way. I think you should put her in a nursing home or a good highly acclaimed facility in this case. I'm sorry you're being put in this position.

Has Maddoggs been back?

May have moved. Now there's another solution.

Why is she thinking of doing this? Has she been providing all the care and feels its your turn, or are you not giving her the support she needs? Seems a strange idea to express if she is happy with the current situation.

Confabulation. And misinformation.

Maddogs66,
I was just checking back in with you to see how you are doing! I just wanted you to know that someone out there is praying for you and cares about your family situation! The thought of your poor mama being dropped at your doorstep must worry the heck out of you, especially with her being blind! Have you notified APS yet? Please consider doing that if you haven't already done so! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Rarely do I ever completely clash with most other people here, but without more information, we cannot help you. If you're capable of helping your sibling care for your mom, then you have an obligation to help. Have you ever done care for an elderly person with dementia? It's not easy at all. Why should your sibling be the only one to suffer through caring for her? If you refuse to chip in, then you kind of had this coming. It may not be legal for her to just ditch your mother there, but if you report her to the police, then you pretty much killed any family interaction. You'd be the family outcast who's not invited to any parties and is ignored, and I wouldn't blame them one bit. Instead, take her to an old folks home. It really can't be helped if your sibling is being overwhelmed with care. It's not even fair to stick your mother with only one sibling in the first place. Too much burden. I'd like to see this from your siblings perspective.

Wow, just wow. You have to read for an hour to find out better details, because there is not enough in the original post (common, very bad mistake). Tons of advice from people who don't know the whole truth. LOL. Just find a way to get her on Medicaid and admitted somewhere she can settle in.

Did you call the police?
Adult Protection / Social Services?
Attorney?

This is personal experience, I think all siblings should share in the caregiving.
If for some reason you can’t then place her in a nursing home. I unfortunately had to do that with my mom. I had to work and I had 3 kids to take care of. I was scared when my mom was home that she would wonder off.
I got backlash but nobody lives in your shoes but you

This happened to my Mom when her sisters actually left my grandmother, with no warning, on the door step of our home. This was forty years ago. Mom with 4 small kids and a husband took care of her for one week. Grandmom kept wandering away and had lots of incontinence. After a week my Mom had to return grandmom back to the sisters. There was a big family meeting with all 7 aunts and uncles and it was decided that grandmom would be going to a nursing home. Everyone would collaborate financially as Grandmom did not have any money.

This happens yet now in this age. If no one can care for your loved one, best to place them and keep checking on them. Caregiving is tough work and I know this from my own experience.

I now am the full time caregiver of my Mom who is mid stage Alzheimers. I get no help from my siblings. If it came to the point I could not care for my Mom, I would also place her for her sake and mine.

Do the best, talk to your sibling get a plan for you Mom's care and continued to living arrangement. There are services for elder care in the home too.

Talk first, formulate a plan and put it to action to benefit all , especially your Mom.

Cecilia

Without more information, I would wonder what you are doing to help support your sibling.

Caregiving, making all the decisions, managing a person’s entire life is EXHAUSTING and STRESSFUL.

What is the other side of this story?

If she does that call the police there is laws that protect the older people

The next time she is threatening that, tell her in a very grey rock, monotone voice that if she does, you will call Adult and Protective Services and the police and report her for elder abandonment! And yes, this is a real thing! It is even more proveable in court if she knows your home is not condusive to give the elder what she needs to survive--- for instance if it would be overwhelming, confusing or dangerous for the elder!
I would like to know why your sister feels so overwhelmed and "stuck" in this situation that she is threatening to leave your mother with you? Do you take turns with caring for your mom so your sister can get a break? One thing you can do is contact Aging and Disability Services and get a caregiver to come in and give your sister and everyone else who is caring for her a break! Plus, caregivers have a lot of experience with this stuff and she/he could have valuable skills to show your sister to help!
You can also have ADS give your mom a SLUM test or a MOCA test to see the level of mental decline and maybe your mom would be better off in a care facility if that's an option your family would entertain!
I know that it's a tough situation, but you came to a great site/message board and I am sure someone here has better advice than I do! God bless you!

Imho, verbalize to your sibling that you CANNOT and WILL NOT accommodate her threat since your sibling was the one who put your mother in the expensive AL.

The points made by others here are excellent. However, no one has ALL OF THE FACTS and without full and open knowledge of all the facts, it is very difficult to make a judgment call as to why and what is making this happen. And apparently no one thought to think ahead when the day came that this lady needed special care. Problems like that do NOT go away. They must be discussed and appropriate plans made BEFORE THE SITUTION OCCURS OR DISASTER WILL STRIKE. Let's assume she does this - just drops her off at your door. I am no attorney but I do not think this would be legal, especially given she has dementia. First, I would immediately contact and elder care specialist who can advise you of your legal options. Second I would make a call to the police and go on record what could happen and what then? Third, you get the number of Adult Protective Services and keep them fully informed. You need to immediately start researching all of the facts involved and face them head on - you may not solve them but perhaps you will know what is going on. Then you must make some decisions as to what will happen if this does occur - and it looks as if it will happen. Do you keep her? Do you put her in a facility? All these ideas must be explored - N O W. Get going and start finding out everything. And, decide if you want to have anything to do with your sister in the future, break ties - or was and is she justified in "dumping" this poor soul. There are always two sides to all situations.

What would be Plan B if your sister fell ill or suddenly passed away? Who would take mom? What would need to be done then?

Your sibling sounds desperate... any way you can help her would probably be most welcome. It is completely draining to care for a parent with dementia. This sounds like a cry for help and such a disregard for what they must be going through. Mom would want to be in a place where she is wanted and cared for.

Not enuff info. Can you provide more? Is mom is living with your sister? Is your sister POA? Then she will be in trouble with the law. She can't just dump her mom. Especially if you haven't said yes. I need more info. Where is the mom living? Alone, with sister? Is she out of money or sister is burnt out? Why is she threatening to bring your mom over?

The world is a mess. Money and economic income opportunities for everyone has not stopped or resolved the suffering of elders and how badly the human race now cares for their elders. I watch these videos of people in rural poor areas and it seems like the elders might be poor but, they seem healthy all barefoot with family all around, eating rats and snakes monkeys and non one has osteoporosis and they eat anything that swims and moves... Zoonotic virus nonsense. We need to study what it means to be civilized?

Financial realities are often quite harsh and people respond in a variety of ways. Maybe sister is the type to avoid things that are difficult/stressful and would instead threaten to drop mom off rather than deal with money issues and look like a bad guy. Sometimes, when the money's gone, people disappear from the elder's circle. Also, when money is gone, care options can be greatly reduced and that's hard to understand until it happens. A lot of things are self pay - but that's not commonly known unless one is in the middle of it and has had to decipher the system. Limited care options can be very scary and I've been there. I was also there when one of elder's sons washed his hands of mom's problems when he finally understood the financial well had run dry. If mom is currently self pay but is out of money, I agree with others that it's best to see if her current facility can keep her as a Medicaid- - even though that should have been looked into long before now. If she shows up on your doorstep, you'll need to quickly assess whether she is safe to stay with you for ANY length of time (mine would not have been) and respond accordingly. It sounds like your sister got in too deep trying to keep mom happy and spent the money too fast. I'm wondering what she thought would happen after the money ran out? Maybe there is some reason she doesn't want to pursue Medicaid or believes it wouldn't be approved? The application process was difficult when I did it, so I don't blame someone for not wanting to do it.... but someone needs to look after the elder. For me, once the application was done, it's just a matter of renewing it every year - which is simple by comparison.

Unsure why this step would be taken unless all of you are at odds over care and or they feel it is your turn. Who has DPOA? That person is delegated to make decisions for her in her best interest, it appears that if no one desires to be her caregiver only DPOA can assigned her to nursing home and this might be best, so if they place her at risk for harm with her diagnosis then you all need to tell courts that she requires more help than you can provide and someone can be appointed her Guardian but I would start with who is assigned to make her decisions and to oversee her Healthcare decisions.
Unfortunately every family cannot work together and unsure why pre-arrangements are not made by parents instead of expecting their children to work this out. I feel most parents need to work out their own plans, and just stop trying to make their children take care of them. This is a burden for most adult children, but know this will take the funds away so you cannot have it both ways.

A. Get a notebook and start writing everything down. A Diary of sorts, with dates, numbers, names, etc. When you are upset and anxious you can't remember anything. WRITE it all down.

1. Talk to the sibling, if possible. They are threatening you which has put you on edge, no kidding.
2. If sibling won't talk reasonably, move on to one of these options:
Gerontologist
The former Assisted Living Residence
Your mother's doctor(s)
...because you need more information
3. Reach out to any and all resources in YOUR city and see what you can figure out.
4. Go to your church or synagogue or other religious establishment, if you are associated with one, and see if there's someone who can counsel you on elder care.
5. Get legal advice-- not to deal with your sibling, but to deal with your mom. Power of Attorney. DNR. Health Insurance. Medicaid. Bank Accounts. If mom is coming, you have to know all the who what and where. Refer back to #1-- write it all down.
6. Make lists. Take care of yourself. Try to make a plan for all eventualities. Get help from friends or other family who have been through a similar situation.

If your sibling is going to do this to an elderly person who has dementia on top of it, then she should not be taking care of your mother AT ALL!! She is not qualified, she is maybe burned out or she is just not fit to caretake a person like this and your mother needs to be as far away from this individual as possible. If she put your mother on your doorstep that would be a blessing for your mother. If you cannot take care of your mother she needs to go to a nursing home or a memory care nursing home.

I'm no attorney, but it may be considered elder abuse by just dropping someone off without prior arrangements. Whoever is threatening this action, maybe suffering from mental/emotional burnout from caregiving of your dementia inflicted parent.
Without any additional info, I would contact your local elder or
aging agency and inquire and inform these people to protect you from any
continuing threat of basically abandoning your parent. You could attempt to get
a restraining order if the court feels that it is warranted. Good luck.

I say the one that sounds antagonistic, regardless of her past efforts, is the one threatening with abandoning mother on the doorstep. Not very friendly to a situation that preferably should have been dealt in a peaceful manner and with enough time. Hints of a combative atmosphere between both. If no one has signed documents accepting the heavy responsibility/burden at times to look after mother, then the good advice of taking her to the ER, shared by a caring contributor might be harsh, but the wheels of government should come into motion, as long as papers have not been signed accepting responsibility. Very sad that plans were not in place foreseeing this moment. Many wash their hands of extreme situations as this one, some justifiably and some for plain indifference. Either way, a decisive and expedient action should benefit helpless mother. She is definitely not a package to be left at one’s doorstep. Can you imagine such scenario? A little malice on on that threat. A little late for recriminations for the life of a defenseless human being is sadly on the line. Pray heavily and act accordingly to what is best all around. Best of lucks.

Update; After reading a few posts, there seems to be some additional background for this. So pardon me sounding a little harsh - but understand it was based on the little info you posted here.

If you have a sibling that is this desperate, you really should be trying to figure out how to help the sibling instead of how to protect yourself. It's not terrifying for your immediate family - it's terrifying for your mom and the sibling. To even consider legal action against the sib, who apparently has her now, is a little selfish - IMO. Why not try to help resolve the siblings 'can't handle this alone anymore' issue. Would be a far kinder action on your part.

First off, if sib brings her to your house, what would be illegal about that. Assuming you are not a convicted abuser of people, she would be leaving her in a safe place...with family....correct? A responsible act.

Why not offer sib some relief? Go to mom and offer to stay a while or work out a REASONABLE schedule with sibling for you to take mom and give sib a break. Or sit down with sib and discuss a facility setting that is affordable to mom. If no money, it might be time to apply for Medicaid NH bed.

Reread your post so you understand how this sounds to those of us who get little to no help from siblings and I think you'll understand why this response might sound a little harsh. While I try 24/7 to avoid anger or bad thoughts about my own situation, if one of my siblings thought about legal action against me versus helping me I'm quite sure that would be the straw that breaks the camels back...way over the line on their part. My intent is to maintain the close relationship we've always had, but I'm afraid this would be much too much for me. - On the other hand, I don't know if your sibling relationship is as important to you.

There must be more to it then this.
Has your sibling been mom's Caregiver and has burn out and needs a break or what?

Who is the Legal Guardian fir your mom.

There is nothing illegal about taking your mom to her kids house.

If neither one if ya'll want to take care of mom, then ya'll need to talk to each other and find a Senior Home for her to be admitted to.

Please don't stress your mom out.

wow, so your sister that is taking care of your mother, and has her living with her, has for some reason (there are many) had enough of trying her best to take care of an elderly parent with dementia, and obviously is at her wits end, and you want to seek legal action against her?
Why?
nvm obviously I'm missing something here.

Ok I found and read the OP's background to this story:
"Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.

Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home. "

I still have some questions. Does anyone have DPOA? Who signed the contract for the MO and Atlanta facilities? If sister signed her in to the last facility I'm sure they must have given her a "heads up" about funding so I would thing sister had to know this was coming and most AL and MC have very limited Medicaid beds (I'm generously guessing that there were none available in Mom's Atlanta AL when her funds ran out). Not sure from your post how involved you are with communication to your Mom but it sounds like communication with your sister is problematic and possibly has been for some time, although, if you know she is threatening to deposit Mom on your doorstep, there must have been some recent communication. It would also appear that your sister is unable or unwilling to complete a Medicaid application for your Mom. If none of you have funds for Mom's living options someone is going to have to do the Medicaid application because that is the only gov't program that pays for long term care. If your sister has been involved with Mom's care at the AL it would be best for her to make the application because theoretically, she has access to the needed documents (5 years worth of bank statements, birth, death and marriage certificates, etc) but she may just throw up her hands. Medicaid has to be applied for in the state in which the recipient resides. I would suggest you contact your local Office on Aging and explain the situation to them. They may be able to direct you to an eldercare attorney who can further explain the legalities of the situation. If Mom is dropped on your doorstep and sister speeds off you can call your local Adult Protective Service agency and ask for their assistance. Be aware that these agencies are always understaffed (even more so with the pandemic) and for an immediate response the subject (older person) must be in "severe and immediate danger".
If neither you or your sister has DPOA, the state of residence will need to appoint a guardian to oversee your Mother's welfare.

Good luck on this journey.