Sibling threatening to leave dementia parent on door step. Is there anything I can do to stop this from happening?

We usually see this threat from burnt out caregivers who can't cope any longer - is there a backstory?

Who is caring for mom now?

What level of care does she need?

What are her health challenges aside from dementia?

If you all arectryingvto get her into a care facility, abandoning her at an ER is more effective than a siblings doorstep.

However, the sibling with the doorstep could call 911 and have parent taken to ER.

Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.

Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home.

Just trying to figure out my options and what I can do ? Thanks again for the quick responses.

Have you begun the Medicaid process in the state where your Mom resides now?

Your answer to this can guide advice given here. There are many on this forum with some great knowledge in that area.

I have not and will begin that process. Thank you.

Yes, Sis needs to get Mom on Medicaid and should have done it way before Moms money ran out. In my State u apply 90days before Medicaid is needed. Best thing would have been was to place in LTC paying privately and applying for medicaid to start when the money ran out.

Your sister created this mess, she needs to find a solution, not dump the issue in your lap. Have you pointed that out to her?

Who is the "WE" in this scenario?

Maddogs: "Jump to a year later and we are out of money."

There have been a few siblings in the past on the forum, that took a parent from care (Basically kidnapped them), and spent all of the parents money (not only for the parent's care=elder abuse and fraud). Is there a dispute between you and your sister now?

In the year dementia Mom was gone, were you in touch, contributing financially to your sister for Mom's care?

If "WE" includes you, did you receive any of Mom's assets or funds if they were dispersed by your sister? (Medicaid gifting issues).

The threats are verbal, or by e-mail? If you are free and clear of being complicit of fraud and elder abuse, then you could see an attorney, and threaten back:
1) Abandonment of an elder is elder abuse.
2) Depleting financial assets of an elder is also elder abuse.
3) Not caring for an elder in your custody is neglect/elder abuse.
4) You will call APS on your Mom's behalf and report your sister.

Otherwise, inform your elder care specialist attorney that your goal is to get Mom care, and work with your sister on that goal.

Hope this helps you, and that you do not take it wrong because it was blunt.
Not accusing you of any wrong doing.

What did you do when Mom was basically 'kidnapped'?

Maybe the expensive AL has Memory Care and accepts Medicaid? Start there.

You would call APS and the police. 911 if she actually went ahead and did that. You would call 911 immediately. To stop that from happening you need to get mom discharged to a nursing home or hospital, not to your sister. Sister should not take mom from assisted living. Contact APS, let them know you or your sister are unable to care for mom.

Who does Mom live with? The Sibling?
If this is the case I would now get together with the sibling and discuss placing mom in care. It sounds as though the sibling has just reaching her human limitation. Do tell her that she can send Mom to the ER, and refuse to take her back into her home; this will involve social workers in assisting with placement.
Is this sibling, I am assuming is taking care of Mom, also the POA? She would be acting negligently if so to put her Mom on anyone's doorstep if she is not competent in her own care.
I think what I am hearing here is desperation and a caregiver who is unable to go on any longer. Is this correct?

They should not be forced to continue be the caregiver but you should not be forced to start if you are not in it.

communication is key. Have a meeting and call social services to find alternatives to care

Maddogs66,
Cwillie is right about the threat coming from a burnt out caregiver.
If the threat is accompanied with a demand for money to help, you need to STOP and rethink this slowly.

If your Mom was placed in a skilled nursing facility from the emergency room, and if that was near you....would you be able to give any type of caregiving assistance to your Mom? Visiting, handle her income, do errands, deal with the doctors?

Note: He who has the resources of her income (social security?) and the ear of her doctor might be the most likely to become the caregiver. You may need to proceed on your Mom's behalf without any involvement by your sister?

Do not send money, imo.

Sounds like each sister has been long-distance from Mom. Unless a person is willing, resourceful, and able, (as well as many other qualifications), caregiving should not be your role. Is there estrangement between you and your Mom? Keeping in mind there will be a whole lot you don't know if she is living any where in another state.

Keep in mind that she can be admitted to a facility "pending Medicaid".

There is so much we do not know here, but willing to listen.....

I'll say that if your sibling is threatening to drop mom off on your doorstep then it would be best not to call their bluff because they'll do it. Your sibling is worn out and can't cope with being mom's caregiver anymore. Now it's time for you and the rest of your family to go visit the sibling caregiver and have a serious talk about what the next step is going to be for mom's care. More importantly LISTEN to what sibling caregiver tells you.
If no other family member is willing or able to take mom into their home and become her caregiver, she will have to get placement in a care facility. No one needs to do an ER dump just yet. That act is the last resort for a caregiver. It doesn't always have to come to that.
Arranging different care for mom or finding a care facility to accept her, will take some time. Plans have to be made, legal paperwork has to be done.
In the meantime dementia mom will still need a place to stay and someone to look after her 24 hours a day. If the family wants your caregiver sibling to continue doing this until the other care arrangements for mom come though, meet her demands (I say her because in a situation like yours the caregiver is almost always a her).
If your sibling demands money to keep mom at her house, then you pay it. Whatever amount she says within reason. Even if the whole family has to reach into their own pockets. Pay it.
If your sibling demands daily assistance with mom's care to allow her to continue staying in her house while other arrangements are made, then you and the rest of the family have to work that out and make sure it happens immediately.
Meet the caregiver sibling's demands or your dementia mom will be dropped off on your doorstep or in an ER.
Have a family meeting with your sibling.
Make other living/care arrangements for your mother together as a family.
Meet your siblings demands if she's willing to keep mom until the new living/care arrangements are put into place.
Good luck to you and your family.

With updates given it seems that "out of money" to care for Mom is the issue. If that is the case I very much disagree with family "paying money". The truth is that we all need to save our money so that we don't become the issue when WE are in this position. No money and no home and no caregivers, and someone threatening to drop US on the doorstep.
If Mom is dropped on the doorstep a return to the facility or the ER is what needs to happen, then application to medicaid and placement in LTC where the squabbling family can visit her.
I imagine Mom gets some SS. But often women who did not work in their lifetimes end up with very little SS, unless widowed and able to receive husband's better amounts monthly. Apparently the caregiver feels that the "money is gone" and wants Mom gone now as well. So medicaid and placement is the answer if other siblings don't want to end up where this sibling is currently. With so few details this is about all I can come up with.

With your sibling threatening to leave your dementia mom on your door step I'm wondering if they have asked for help and you've not offered any--for whatever reason--poor family history, unable to help, whatever. There's a reason for two or three shifts of care in nursing homes. No one person can do it and your sibling has realized they have no reserves left for mom. Be proactive and consult Area Agency on Aging or find a geriatric social worker. Make this a team effort to keep the mayhem and terror dialed down. Is your mom eligible for Medicare and Medicaid? She can be placed in a facility with 24 hour care. Her assets may need to be spent down to qualify for Medicaid. Relieve the caregiver, find a safe place for mom.

Maddog replied further down

"My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta."

So sister has not been physically caring for Mom. Now the money is gone. Reason I said Medicaid should have been applied for at least 3 months prior to money running out.

Didn’t your sister think about any of this before she moved your mom? Why does she think her screw up is now your problem to solve?

Realization1: NO ONE person can do it all! Not fair; not possible! When dementia is a factor, help
is badly needed! Don’t fight; work togethet’

I was one that did drop my mother in law off at her daughter's place when she refused to help me out for taking her for a few weeks while I left Florida to go to Ohio to help my mom as my dad had just died. They told me a lie and said they were on some kind of disability where they couldn't have anyone live with them (even for a few weeks) or they would loose it. They were scared I wouldn't take her back. I did drop her off and I did pick her back up three weeks later. (they were a full days drive from us (they lived in Tennessee.)

Using counsel on aging I got the information I needed to get her started with SSI and Medicaid. I had to walk it through (much faster that way) but got it done. About a year later she had to be moved to a nursing home. Thank God it was also really nice and less than a mile from where I lived so I could check on her every day.

I loved my mother in law and for years we had her living with us with no problem. But when I came home from work and found her heating up a can of left over cat food (tuna) I knew she couldn't be left alone any more. I was blessed that I found places that would use only her income (at the time she had a tiny amount of SS) and were super nice.

It's interesting because even though I had no legal rights to my mom in law I was allowed to be in charge of everything for her and sign all the papers during each yearly check up with the care homes. She had a tiny amount of SS coming in and I think that made it easier to get her into assisted living to begin with. I know my husband was glad he didn't have to do it and was just glad to let me handle everything. He was working out of state so really couldn't help.

Sometimes when the other people in the family won't help you have to take steps such as forcing the issue like I had to. I was lucky. It worked for us.

This is a cry for help. Your sister needs help, a vacation, a break. Listen to your sister’s needs.

if you can’t help out with your mom, hire someone to stand in for your share of the work.

I do not have all the details, but it sounds like your sister is completely burned out. Other issues maybe involved, as well. Should this happen, take your mom to the ER. Explain the situation to the social worker. Be adamant that you do not have the resources or support to take care of her... at all.

Honestly this leaves me speechless. Almost. She is not a bag of trash with two siblings fighting about who has to take it out. She is your mother. Have some compassion. 😔. She cannot care for herself. No doubt she raised both of you, does that deserve any respect? You want to protect "your" family from her. Is she not part of your family too? My gosh, I'm sorry but your attitude is beyond comprehension.

Can’t believe how some of us treat their parents when money runs out...
your sibling is desperate and burnt out ... what don’t you understand ??
you need work together and give your mother the help she needs.
Your kids will probably feel same about you as you’re quite an example ....

Only hearing one side of the story here and it's not from the person managing moms care.  I am guessing your sister needs help and is trying to make the best decisions she can given the circumstances.  Just for the record, there are no inexpensive assisted living facilities...they are all pretty pricey.  Two weeks ago I moved mom from assisted living into memory care.  She can only afford to stay there for a little over a year and then she will be out of money.  We will have to apply for medicare and move her once again into a facility that takes medicare.  The difference between the two are pretty drastic.  The ones that are medicare friendly look, smell and feel more like a nursing home.  I realize it is more devastating for the family member moving them there than it is the person with dementia, but..

How involved are you with the care of your mom?  Is your sister completely alone in this?  The stress of making the decisions and physically taking on the move is a lot.  Have you made a trip there to assess what your sister is dealing with and made any attempt to help?  I would start there before putting the effort into legal council.

You should see this threat as a cry for help. This sibling sounds very burnout. Look at it through her point of view. Maybe arrange to take care of Mom for a while or hire care to help. This is a cry for help.

Unfortunately there are no pre-emptive measures or legal remedies to prevent your sister's threatened action - a threat born of desperation or vindictiveness which is more about your relationship with Sis than your Mom's well-being.
It's tragic how families can fall apart like this. We assume roles we never thought possible; the martyr, the misunderstood, the bankroller...

Your question is clear - can you stop it from happening. The answer is no, not by third party remedy. You can call the police when it happens but there's no turning back from that action. The chasm between you and your sister will become permanent and you'll be the 'bad guy' .

Only you know what your sister wants from you. A threat like this is a demand. What does she want from you?

If you want to share what that is, you might get some helpful feedback...

You and Sis are the only preventive measure. You're both in the wrong and you're both right. One of you doesn't say much, one of you goes on and on, and neither of you can listen.

But both of you are hurting. And I know how awful that is.

Help your sibling to get your mother the care she need. Talk to her about the alternatives which include nursing home care; help for your sibling. Of course, if neither you nor your sibling is willing (or able) to care for your mother. You can call Adult protection services and relinguish your mother to them.

Your sibling can do this. Nothing can stop him/her from this action.

However, the fact that your sibling is threatening this action points out that something must change. It appears that your sibling is suffering burn out. Talk to this sibling and ask if he/she gets their basic needs met: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, "time off" to take care their own health needs, and "time off" to recharge their "batteries" doing fun activities with people they enjoy. I would guess that some of these areas are not being met. The answer is that more resources are needed:

1 - Respite care. Help your sibling arrange respite care for the parent so the sibling can have a "vacation" from caregiving. Many nursing homes and home health care agencies can provide resources for this.

2 - More help. Enlist the aid of other family members, friends, members of faith community and paid help to take on some caregiving duties so that your sibling can achieve a better balance between self care and caregiving.

3 - Full time residential care. In cases of progressive dementia, there comes a time when the person with dementia needs care 24/7/365. The usual clue that this time has come is when the caregiver is awakened throughout the night to meet needs. If this is the case, help your sibling by researching residential facilities in the area. Then, arrange time to talk about moving your parent to one of these facilities.

My 88 y/o father lives with me. He is bedridden and has dementia. He has lived with us for 3 years now. I am his only caregiver, and I am burnt out to say the least! He has a retired son, and a retired daughter who have not done one thing to help out! If I could get him to their doorstep, I probably would! I would like to hear the other side of this story!

Your sister/brother needs help.
Offer to help her/him look for Memory Care facilities that will be in an area that is convenient for both of you. (if you both live in the same area)
If you live a distance from her/him you could offer to come and tour them together. Or support your sibling in the decision that is made when choosing one.
Tell your sibling that IF mom gets dumped on your doorstep you will be looking for Memory Care in your area. You are not going to be sole caregiver to mom.
IF there is the possibility that mom is being mistreated (I do not want to use the word abused) it is likely due to caregiver burnout there are resources your sibling can take advantage of.
Local Agency on Aging.
Hospice (by the way Medicare covers Respite care while a patient is on Hospice)
Hiring caregivers (paid for by moms assets)
Placing mom in Memory Care is not "giving up, or failing" it is recognizing that you can not do it all and that you need help safely caring for your loved one.
Safely by the way is not just your mom's safety but yours and your siblings. And it is not just physical safety it is mental, emotional safety.