Should we continue to involve MIL in holiday events or focus on our young children?

I scrolled up and down to see if you had any other info to explain your MIL's behaviors as far as a diagnosis by a physician. Is she on any medication? Either way, these events sound like they are unsettling for her and ruining the childrens' holidays and holiday memories. Find a sitter to stay with her when you take them out for events and just like another person said on here, have a nursing facility keep her for a couple of days at Christmas during the gift opening and dinner. I hate this for your MIL that she is having these awful episodes and problems but you have to be fair to your children. They will eventually go elsewhere and you will be home with dear MIL. Check out the nursing homes in your area to see which ones "elder sit". We have one near our home that does it. I didn't see any medical background on your MIL but she sure needs help. I don't know if she does any of this on a regular basis or lives with you or what but that's all I have with limited info. Best of luck to you all in your family. Wishing you & yours a Merry Christmas.

It sounds like she might have dementia. Has she seen a doctor about this? These situations are dangerous.
She sounds very anxious in new unfamiliar situations. It is also quite dangerous to have her walking in the middle of the street, doing unexpected things and running off. Very unsafe! You are trying to watch young children and her. She has wondered off mult times It is not working.
You could be accused of abuse if she is seen crying hysterically and having meltdowns. People (may think) you did something to her, and call the cops. Or finding her after she ran off all alone. And your with your children doing other things not looking for her. Then you will be explaining why you didnt keep her with you to the cops.
I would stop these outing immediately! She is highly anxious running off, and emotional. Probably looking for familiar settings to feel secure again. I dont think she can handle change like that. It is not enjoyable for the whole family. She might have sun downing where she seems fine at first, but with time, looses her bearings and starts showing more signs of dementia, agitation and then the melt downs. It's too much for her.
These outings arent ending well. Why would you upset an old woman? Leave her in safe surroundings with a carer, and enjoy time and focus on your kids. They can tell her all about it on their return. She feels and is unsafe in new surroundings. You dont want to see something bad happen to her. Or she wanders off and not found for a few days. NOT SAFE!!!! Leave her in safe surroundings. She cant handle these outings any more. They arent fun for her or your family. Leave her home and enjoy your kids.

Your MIL has dementia and needs to be locked up in an assisted living -- she is a danger to herself, right ? Call Adult Protective Services-- they will intervene and it can be anonymous. And you can help pic the facility-- when you go to the places-- the best indicator is the food-- eat lunch there each time-- Sysco is the worst food-- and chefs have a hard time making it differently so there is a turnover every 6 months--- I liked the Gordons food ! Very tasty ! And the Memorycare was very nice there. ( this one I think Stonebridge in Bedford Indiana...)I am sure Gordons is available elsewhere. I liked the "mature nurses" they had there... where my Mo ended up thanks to my sister-- were all kid nurses... and it was not good. She is gone to heaven now after falling twice and developing an aneurysm in her abdomin because of the falls.

The children have one childhood. Yes, things will adapt a little bit, but your MIL had her life, raised her kids, and probably if she were not suffering from her condition, she would be sorry that her grandchildren are being traumatized. And this does sound traumatic. Your children could very well end up resenting you when they look back on a childhood overshadowed by a crying, complaining, irrational woman who acted out at everything they did with their parents. Also, MIL is miserable too, it sounds like and may end up hit by a car if she continues to wander off. What does your spouse, her child say?

Perhaps smaller gatherings would be better suited for her.

Work it Out where Somehow she doesn't have to KNOW WHEN YOU GO.

It sounds like she gets overwhelmed and frightened at the unaccustomed activities.

Perhaps it would be best for her to keep her routine as absolutely consistent as possible. You and your husband can tag team watching her vs doing activities with the kids.

You don't want your kids to start resenting her for spoiling their holiday fun, and you dont want your holiday to be about dealing with one meltdown after another.

Perhaps she could spend time with visiting family members one on one in her familiar room, and have her meals at set times privately in the kitchen.

My MIL is still amazingly functional for 93, but she gets confused and upset dealing with more than a few people at a time. She doesn't recognize most family members any more.

There comes a point when it's not beneficial for anyone concerned in this scenario. It sounds like you've reached that point. I know it's difficult and makes you feel guilty to exclude her, but it's really the best thing you can do for her. And the rest of the family. It's not your fault. Don't feel guilty. Allow your family to create good memories. Best wishes.

She’s enjoyed many holidays and they haven’t so please don’t let her keep ruining holidays and events for your children. It’s really not fair to them!

Perhaps the best answer is to involve your MIL in carefully selected activities of the sort that she can manage. It sounds like she really is not capable of handling crowds or public events. It may be a kindness to her as well as you to involve her only in quiet at home events. Let her come and enjoy some hot chocolate and cookies with you after you have finished trimming the tree. Do not invite her to come WHEN you trim the tree. That may be too much excitement for her. Create special events of a quiet sort that will not get her overly excited. These events might also be enjoyable to you as a relatively quiet time.

I can only guess that your MIL moved in because she is no longer physically and / or mentally capable of living alone.  If that is the case, she is not going to be able to do the things that you and your family are doing.  Crowds, lots of walking, lots of children, lots of strange events, repeatedly being out of her routine and comfort zone....sounds like a nightmare for an elder who has dementia.  If she is walking down the middle of the street and yelling out and wandering, she can't be left at home alone either.  Are you sure your home is the best place for her?  it's not fair to your MIL or to your young children if she is in the wrong environment.

Absolutely leave her at home and, if the celebration is at home, involve her only to the point that she tolerates well and then escort her to her room.

She's letting you know what she can handle by her behavior.

Develop a relationship with a home care agency. They can schedule a companion for family events and excursions where your MIL can't be left home alone or where you may be home, but need her to have companionship while the family is engaged in something she won't enjoy participating in.

This isn't exclusion. It's being sensitive to her needs.

Hello,

I know you've probably had similar answers however wanted to chime in anyway.

There comes a time when our elderly can no longer tolerate large crowds, too much noise, children running around, etc.

I was not prepared when my Dad did this the first weekend we took them with us to a family event. We were stuck in traffic on a busy highway. It was late, stop and start traffic, all the headlights, cars blowing their horns, etc. My Dad tried to get out of the truck. Thankfully we had children locks in the backseat. At the hotel and my son's graduation, it was worse. It took me a week to recover from all of that.

As we realized what was happening to Dad, we limited the celebrations that included him to 3 hrs for Christmas since all family members were there. A more controlled group during Thanksgiving that he could tolerate better. Halloween was for passing candy only if they did not have too many children. His birthday was maybe no more than 2 hrs. I was no longer able to take him to any of his grandkids or great grandkids parties no matter if they were at a home or at a special location.

He could tolerate a grandchild or two. My 6 year old granddaughter would walk him to the dinner table and help me settle him into bed. She didn't fear her great grandpa but knew when he wasn't himself. Not all the grandkids were like that. Some were truly frightened and there was no reason for them to remember him that way.

Do the best you can but don't beat yourself up about it. My Dad loved all the kids when he was okay back in the day. I'm sure your MIL would not expect you to not do the right thing for the kids. Those special celebrations when your kids are young can never be again. Enjoy that time! Keep making memories!

I was just watching a Teepa Snow video that I think could help you, particularly at about 5:00 minutes. She explains activities and how they need to match the person and where their level of abilities are. I think this will help you let go without guilt. All her videos are so good!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wUOQgrQw4fM

I’m going to take a different approach here. Forget about the example being set for your kids. Because you should already be teaching them right from wrong, how to behave in public, how to cross the street safely. This really isn’t about the example your MIL is setting for your kids.

It sounds like it is simply NOT SAFE to take your MIL out anymore. It’s not safe for her and it’s not safe for your kids because your attention is on your MIL when you are chasing her back inside and trying to keep her out of traffic. I’m going to be blunt here—it really sounds like none of you know how to handle her. And that’s to be expected, it’s not something you just know how to do. If you don’t know how to handle someone with dementia and cognitive issues then you have no business taking them out in public because it’s not safe for them and not safe for you. And it’s not safe for your kids because your eyes are on your MIL instead of your kids! It sounds like she can no longer handle large crowds and if she’s running off, then she’s not taking in the sights and sounds and enjoying herself. So why take her?

if you have to spend all your time focusing on your MIL and keeping her under control, then don’t take her. Its neither cruel or inhumane to leave her behind. It is not fair to your children to take them places and then be consumed with your MILs needs. Because NO ONE gets to enjoy themselves. It’s ok to leave her behind while you take your kids out & have fun experiences with them. Your MIL has lived her life, she’s done far more in her life than your kids have done. Focus on your kids and making memories with them. You can still do things with your MIL and make memories with her in a more controlled environment such as your home.

I know i commented before but ive been thinking ... If your mil wasnt in the picture and you and your husband wanted some time alone together would you still take your kids with you. Even tho youd feel kind of guilty would you leave them with a sitter so there'd just be you two for a special time ?

Maybe thinking of events like this ... a time to be a private family for awhile before the kids grow up and leave home ... would make you feel less guilty.

I MIL does not want to be involved, why should she? I can see her point of view, actually.  Wandering around from house to house on a cold night? Fine for kids and parents if done with supervision, but for an elder?? A lot of kid events are great for kids and parents, but frankly were I an elder, I'd rather sit comfy at home.

She is cognitively declining and her lifestyle is no longer good for her. She needs to be in a calm and repetitive environment where very little changes day to day. She also sounds like she should be in a secure unit. Nobody trains us on what to look for and what to do about this part of aging. We learn by doing it wrong with regrets or listening to others who have been through it. This could go on for many years. Do you want your children to live in a home or an increasingly locked down dementia unit? No choices are easy. None of this is fun. Do what keeps MIL safe and well. Same for your children. MIL’s emotional state is going to change a lot. Make sure you educate yourself on this.