Should we continue to involve MIL in holiday events or focus on our young children?

If your MIL has ALZ/dementia like stated in your profile, new surroundings, places, people can easily confuse and disturb them. She is very young at 51, so sad. Has she had an actual medical diagnosis by a specialist? She will be less and less able to be in control of her behaviors, no fault of hers, just her broken brain. It is very loving and sweet to try to continue to include her but you keep getting the same result, so, no I would not bring her along. But, if she stays home who is caring for her? Will she be alone? I hope not. Plan on small, calm celebrations with her at home before having your own kid-centered events and this may be just right. Blessings!

I think you already know what will happen judging by what has already happened.

Snap a few pictures to share with her when you return from outings. That’s a compromise.

Obviously you want to enjoy your time with your family and that’s impossible if you are going to be concerned about a safety issue.

Hire a sitter to stay with her for when you have family activities.

Children should have happy memories. How about doing something separate with MIL. The children can have the full holiday activities. And MIL has a small thing for her. This suits both of them.

Your 51 year old MIL, with whom your husband has had nothing to do for ten years, needs substantial care and support. Neither you nor your husband has any idea of what her difficulties are or what help she will need, and you have been prevented from finding out the essential information.

I understand the instinct to rescue her when she needed help and was in crisis, but this is not a care plan. You cannot have a woman with these behavioural and mental health issues living in an unfamiliar home with people, including young children, whom she just does not know.

You want to include MIL in the family; and I agree that in general it is a good thing, an enriching thing, for generations to mingle. But the truth is you don't know her and you don't know anything about her needs - how can you possibly look after her?

Your husband needs to get a grip on this. He should go back to the family members who were supposed to be taking responsibility, back to any agencies or professionals who were involved, gather what information he can, then get in touch with your area's health and social care organisations and get them involved.

God willing, and given a fair chance, your MIL will over time develop strong new relationships with her son and his family, but it can't happen overnight; and meanwhile she needs a LOT of input that you can't possibly be expected to provide.

I have been a "sandwich" care giver too, with responsibilities toward seniors and young children. My policy is when in doubt, the children come first.

That is sad. But I don't think your children should be exposed to weird scary behavior. Is she on medication? If not, maybe it would help, explain to the Doctor what she is doing. Good luck.

Your children come first... always!!

I understand the impulse to include, but doing so makes her, your kids, and you unhappy. Set aside time to have holiday moments with her away from the hustle and bustle.

The answer is obvious but I think you just need validation for what you already know. Your MIL is not enjoying these outings and can’t control her behavior, so no, this is not the kind of memories you want to give your children. Think back on when you were a child, and some of the unpleasant or negative memories of holidays and realize how they can be ingrained for life. Get a sitter for her, and as someone else mentioned make different celebrations with her that are low key.

Me thinkist that you are trying too hard and too involved. You do not know your MIL, there are issues with her, as outlined with her relationships with her children.

Your children always come first, that is your responsibility... as a parent. Exposing them to her is a real bad idea. There is only one right...your family.

It is not your responsibility to care for her, sit down with your husband and work out a plan to have her move somewhere else. Contact your local social services and find out what is available for her.

She can live for another 30 years do you really want your children to be saddled by her for all those years? And what about you? Think, then think some more there is a solution and it doesn't include her living with you.

Folks with dementia -- Alzheimers or most of the others -- thrive on routine and are often disoriented by being out in the neighborhood, with new people, or experiencing new things. That is to say, most of the activities that many children enjoy ... just don't work for people with dementia. What really works for them is to see the same few familiar places -- that is, their bedroom, the table where they eat, the chair where they sit to watch TV or stare out the window. Very few places, always the same ones.

When I worked in the inpatient facility, our residents were still able to carry on conversations (though they didn't always make sense), were still able to engage in some part of various familiar tasks. But any change at all in their routine always set off some sort of upset.

I would 'include' your MIL in brief family gatherings -- say, half an hour in a familiar living room to celebrate a holiday with some ONE activity. And then leave MIL with a caregiver and take the rest of the family for the 'outing' part of the holiday celebration.

I'm so sorry it's being this hard.

When you include your MIL in important family events I agree with doing it in a controlled environment like her home or where ever she lives. My mom had memory loss and we stayed with her most of the time but she was in her own home. Do you want to teach your children that people have worth even when they get old and unable to care for themselves? This is a way to teach them compassion and to set a good example of how to love even when it takes more time. You can tell them that Grandma doesn't really know what she's doing so we have to help look out for her. You can make the events shorter but try to include her and take pictures for the children to remember Grandma. Including her in every event is not necessary if she doesn't really remember but do include her in some. Maybe even a regular visit with every one would work. Leave the cake, etc., for later. I would never have excluded my mom from the family gatherings even though she didn't remember it in a few hours. I could go on and on but I'll tell you that I do not regret the time it took to care for and love on my mom. She's gone now but I miss her sweet smile every day. If you have anyone that can help you let them know that you need help. God bless you and your family.

Missing information: does MIL live with you permanently? Has she been diagnosed with dementia? It sounds like this isn't optimal and other arrangements should be made -- an assisted living facility perhaps?

I would cry too if I had to go trick or treating with my stiff joints.
No, seriously.
There are times when I involve my mother and times when it's best that she stay home.
Bless you for trying to do the right thing. If she's living with you, she must have some social security. Use that for a caregiver who can sit with her while you and the children out for a few hours.
Arrange for her to be out of the house during birthday parties. It sounds like it's too much stimulation. But get a professional opinion.
It will make EVERYONE happy.

You state in your profile you are also caring for your mother that has dementia. Is she living with you as well or is she still in her own home?
Is MIL living with you as well?
Has your MIL been diagnosed with dementia of any type?
If your MIL has dementia large gatherings can be confusing, frightening and you would expect the reaction that you have been getting.
I would keep gatherings to a minimum.
If you have to go out with the family to a party I suggest having someone that she knows and likes to come in and stay with her. She should not be left alone. If you want family to visit I also suggest small groups of people at a time and if possible over the course of a day or two.
It also sounds like there is a potential for your MIL to wander so she should not be left alone and start looking for a way that will make it easier to track her if she does wander off.
And if MIL is living with you permanently and has been diagnosed with dementia are you prepared to become a full time caregiver for her as well as dealing with your mother? Not clear where your mother is living if it is with you or in her own home but time will come where she also can not be left alone.

My mother is gone now. This is the first Holiday season without her and even though the memories are not good ones of her last days, I can also recall the joy we shared throughout the years. We always included her in a limited way in our family activities providing her a place where she could see what was going on but felt like she could withdraw if it got too much for her. I agree with the others. Give the children their due...but also remember to set a good example of how to be inclusive and caring of others. Often, children can be selfish and reminding them that 'Grandma' is sick and explaining what dementia is to them and how it works is not a bad thing. We did it with our grandchildren and it really helped. I told them that Great Grandma's brain was sick and it made her cranky and tired. It made her do and say thngs that she didn't mean. Then we discussed how that same thing happens to the children when they are tired or hurt. It brought things into perspective and they were less frightened by their Great Grandma's behavior. When we did need to do some family activity that was too stressful on Mom we would have a caregiver stay with her and then show her pictures later.

Can there be a compromise? She clearly can’t go out and be a safety risk, but she could be included for ice cream and cake, perhaps. You need to find a way to do right by your children but still keep MIL involved in ways she can enjoy and be safe.

Including my mom at birthday gatherings for my children is something I truly regret doing. She would always have to make the day about herself. Not loudly, but quietly sitting not saying a word with a sullen and pitiful look on her face. She was not ill just a stinker dampening the joy of the day. My children love their Grandma, but still remember how she acted up even now that they in their mid 30’s. A sad memory I wish they didn’t have. A memory I wish I didn’t have either as I feel resentment of the stolen joy.

I have read ur first post.

Have you gotten your MIL evaluated? I think this needs to be done ASAP. A neurologist would be my first choice. 51 is really young to be showing signs of a Dementia. There could be so many things causing this. She may have had a mental disorder all along and its manifested its self.

Your MIL is living in a strange place, with strange people. She really doesn't know her son, nor him her. I hope he isn't leaving u to care for 3 children and his Mom. People who suffer from Dementia can be very unpredictable. She may hit one of your kids. And like said, her outbursts scare ur kids.

All your husband owes his Mother is a safe, clean place. She needs professionals. She needs to be in a nursing home. You are both out of your element here. Her crying is anxiety. Trying to include her in everything is just confusing her. People with Dementia do better in a structured environment which with 3 kids u don't have.

I commend you for trying. If u can't get her to a neurologist right away a PCP will be able to start the testing.

A little confused about your post. Do you take care of your mother and MIL in your home? On your profile you state you care for your 51 year old mother. Please clarify, alazrielle.

In hindsight...

If DHs sisters felt it was a situation they could not handle, Adult Protection Services could have been called to evaluate. APS could placed her in hospital or nursing home to have her evaluated. Then would have called her children to work out the next step. You could have told them with 3 children and work responsibilities, that you could not have her living with u. Mental illness and Dementia being unpredictable u would worry about the safety of ur children. You also don't have the income to help her. So, she can't live with you. APS would be responsible for placing her somewhere safe. U may have allowed the state to become her guardian.

Yes, in a perfect world. But you may be able to still take that route. Explaining what happen and finding out she is much worse than expected. That u are afraid for the safety of ur children.

Please, never leave ur children alone with her. And if she does get violent, call the police. Tell them she can't return.

Ask her if she wants to come with you on outings. If she does not, let her stay home. It is good for the children to be with their grandma and to understand her feelings too. You don't have to take her on every outing. When parents get older and that means us too, they can be difficult because they feel they are not understood or they feel they are not that important because they became older and you have other priorities and so they can act out, unless she is suffering from mental issues which my mom is.

Sounds like she doesn't handle large crowds and confusion. Establish some holiday celebrations that are better geared for her that she can join in. Your children are indeed part of this. Your example will inform them. What would you do if the overloaded participant weren't your mom but your child? You would try to find out the cause of the behavior and modify the activity. Right? Some of the family celebrations, for example, a child's birthday party with 20 classmates at Chucky Cheese, would not be an activity mom would participate in. "Oh that's just the kid party. We'll celebrate with cake and ice cream after dinner," would be kind and not exclusionary. Likewise, there might be an activity that wouldn't be appropriate, and you can put the question to your kids, "Granny isn't able to do ABC. Can you come up with a fun way to celebrate Halloween with her?" Your mom's behavior is really not appropriate and unfortunately there are conditions she needs to be screened for that may change the care plan for her. Seek professional evaluation and guidance.

I had no choice as it was my children’s father who had Dementia from a stroke. My children who are now young adults remember all the bad times.
Include your MIL as little as possible so your children have good memories of the day.
Have a small celebration with MIL for maximum of two hours then go about the “real” celebration activities.
She doesn’t need to be involved for Halloween.

Given how she has "behaved" during these attempts to include her, it is probably best to NOT include her in those kind of activities. As others have said, it is confusing who we are discussing. Your profile indicates mother, age 51, with Alz/dementia, but this post refers to MIL. Hopefully this person is one and the same,
When you have outside activities planned for the kids, have a reliable good person who can care for/watch over MIL at home. Clearly she cannot handle the activities, too much going on, too many people, etc. It can be overwhelming to someone with dementia. Routines are good. Familiar surroundings are good. Sometimes it can be sun-downing, in which case there are recommendations for dealing with this, including some anti-anxiety medication. There can also be ramifications if she has a UTI. I was skeptical of this until it happened to my mother. She is/was in MC at the time, but the outrageous behavior ONLY happened later in the day - morning after she'd be fine, next afternoon/evening, out of control! The last two UTIs have resulted in nighttime bed-wetting. But indeed a UTI should be considered sometimes.

Keep her involved for sure, but keep it in home, small "activities", nothing that will seriously impact her routine or be too "busy." Having the whole family over for any holidays or other events will likely be too much. It might be best to have gatherings outside the home and hire someone to watch over her at home while you celebrate. Later, she could be included in mini-celebrations, such as cake and ice cream for birthdays, smaller immediate family meals for holidays, etc.

Agree with Harvey09. Obviously your MIL cannot go to functions without being upset. In our family I am Mom's caregiver 24/7 and each holiday I stay home with her and we do our "own thing" in her surroundings where she is comfortable. I would love it if one of the other siblings (they all live close by) would offer to spare me off- but at the same time, they have children and I do not. Every year could be my very aged Mom's last
Easter/Thanksgiving/Christmas so it is an honor to stay with her and celebrate in simple ways. Siblings and grandchildren visit during the week of holidays so she does get to see everyone. I have (hopefully) many years left to celebrate with the family. Perhaps you have someone in your family who also might be willing to stay with your MIL and have simple celebrations in her home?

granted i havent read all the replies but ...

is it possible for her to stay at a local nursing facility for a couple nights as a “fun getaway for her” where they will be having holiday festivities ?

i dont know if id tell her too far in advance tho so she doesnt get apprehensive.

There is no being torn between two sets of rights. Your MIL is not enjoying the holiday activities and her behaviour is having a negative impact on your children.

Enjoy the gatherings and events with your family and leave your MIL at home. If she lives with you, you may need to get a sitter for her.

Just read ur update
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/estranged-mil-suddenly-in-our-care-what-do-we-do-first-453506.htm

This is great that tests are being done. Thyroid can cause a lot of problems. There is Hyper ( lose weight) and a Hypo (gain weight) My Mom had Graves which is even worse. Her heart rate was so fast she wasn't getting enough oxygen. Meds helped and her numbers became normal. Thyroid has to do with hormones. Your MIL being in her 50s is probably going thru Menopause too. Big hormone fluctuation there.

I pray that tests result in finding its not a Dementia and thats its something a few meds can correct.

If MIL is such a pill that she cannot tolerate the younger generation, you have a problem. I think the best course is to celebrate with the kids, who no doubt would have a great time, and so will you, and nothing special with MIL who seems like she would not enjoy anything at all. Just explain to MIL what you are going to do and after she has a fit, tell her that she is welcome to view the kids celebrations and leave it at that.