The first holiday we involved MIL in was Halloween. We have three children and took her trick-or-treating with us. She walked in the middle of the street, even after we explained that it was a very bad example for the four yr old. She would not wait on us while the children went to houses and kept wandering off. Halfway through she started crying loudly and would not talk to us or tell us what was wrong. It was a disaster. We assumed that because she had moved in so recently that things would smooth out over time. However, we had similar theatrics over Thanksgiving. She did not want to be involved with the family, she cried loudly and when we tried to comfort her and fix what was wrong, she just yelled at us. Tonight, we took the children and her to a holiday event at the museum. It was pretty much the same. She ran off into the large crowd, would not stay with us as a group, would not participate in any of the activities, and at one point, ran out in the cold and refused to come back inside. We are gearing up to celebrate several weeks in a row of birthdays, and holiday events. I’m concerned that this behavior is really getting to the children, as my eldest one cried all the way home tonight. Should I continue to involve her in our holiday events, or just start leaving her behind? I don’t want to make her feel isolated, or exclude her from the family. But on the other hand, I want my kids to have a happy holiday and happy birthdays. I’m torn between both “rights”.
Well he’s had 90+ Christmas days and my son hasn’t so I refuse to let him ruin my child’s holidays and he ruins mine too. My son won’t always be excited about Christmas morning as he’s a teenager so with that being said it’s not an option to cater to an elder instead of my child. I do not want to regret my holidays with my son in 5/10/20 years because I felt bad for an elder who doesn’t care one way or another.
it was also brought to my attention when I posted “oh no the holidays are coming” that he could be getting overstimulated and uncomfortable when we’re opening presents and dancing around enjoying ourselves. I guess to me it’s a matter of memories and my LO has had a lifetime of holidays but my son has not, my child is far more important in his young life and I refuse to allow these days to be ruined. Those won’t be his or my memories, no way!!!
When I worked in the inpatient facility, our residents were still able to carry on conversations (though they didn't always make sense), were still able to engage in some part of various familiar tasks. But any change at all in their routine always set off some sort of upset.
I would 'include' your MIL in brief family gatherings -- say, half an hour in a familiar living room to celebrate a holiday with some ONE activity. And then leave MIL with a caregiver and take the rest of the family for the 'outing' part of the holiday celebration.
I'm so sorry it's being this hard.
Snap a few pictures to share with her when you return from outings. That’s a compromise.
Obviously you want to enjoy your time with your family and that’s impossible if you are going to be concerned about a safety issue.
Hire a sitter to stay with her for when you have family activities.
I understand the instinct to rescue her when she needed help and was in crisis, but this is not a care plan. You cannot have a woman with these behavioural and mental health issues living in an unfamiliar home with people, including young children, whom she just does not know.
You want to include MIL in the family; and I agree that in general it is a good thing, an enriching thing, for generations to mingle. But the truth is you don't know her and you don't know anything about her needs - how can you possibly look after her?
Your husband needs to get a grip on this. He should go back to the family members who were supposed to be taking responsibility, back to any agencies or professionals who were involved, gather what information he can, then get in touch with your area's health and social care organisations and get them involved.
God willing, and given a fair chance, your MIL will over time develop strong new relationships with her son and his family, but it can't happen overnight; and meanwhile she needs a LOT of input that you can't possibly be expected to provide.
Have you gotten your MIL evaluated? I think this needs to be done ASAP. A neurologist would be my first choice. 51 is really young to be showing signs of a Dementia. There could be so many things causing this. She may have had a mental disorder all along and its manifested its self.
Your MIL is living in a strange place, with strange people. She really doesn't know her son, nor him her. I hope he isn't leaving u to care for 3 children and his Mom. People who suffer from Dementia can be very unpredictable. She may hit one of your kids. And like said, her outbursts scare ur kids.
All your husband owes his Mother is a safe, clean place. She needs professionals. She needs to be in a nursing home. You are both out of your element here. Her crying is anxiety. Trying to include her in everything is just confusing her. People with Dementia do better in a structured environment which with 3 kids u don't have.
I commend you for trying. If u can't get her to a neurologist right away a PCP will be able to start the testing.
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