Should my grandmother attend my grandfather's funeral in person?

If your grandmother needs to "see him", try to arrange for a private viewing with just a few really close family members. This could be before the "public" viewing. I would put out a book for people to sign and offer condolences to your grandmother. She could read them later. This will limit her COVID exposure and allow her that experience for closure. Something similar may be set up for a graveside service. In this challenging year, the mortuary service should be able to find ways to accommodate your grandmother's needs as well as keep her safe.

If your grandmother is traditional in funeral beliefs, then take her. We had a funeral in July and we kept my mother at the very front during the visitation night and away from people. One of her kids kept watch over her at all times to prevent anyone from getting too close to give the customary hugs.

Although we put a notice with the obituary that all attendees HAD to wear a mask due to mom being 96 years old, you have the usual non-masker behavior to challenge that request. Other siblings showed the non-maskers to an area outside the viewing/visitation room and handed them a mask - again, telling them mom is 96 and her (and caregivers) could not afford to catch the virus.

We handled the service the same way. Many chapels for service have an area specifically for the family. Ours didn't, so we reserved several rows up front with several rows of blank seating behind us. Prior to service, casket was open for public viewing. Masking for public was mandatory with a noted of explanation posted by the visitor's sign in book and on the entrance door. Family member ensured that rule was enforced. A few people opted to wait outside instead of putting on a mask.

At starting time, the casket closed to get everyone in their seat. AFTER everyone seated, family went to the front row seats - so no contact prior to service. After service, the casket was not opened again. All guests were routed out of the room away from the family, again, to avoid customary stopping to hug, hold hands, or close contact. All this worked out quite well for the family.

If discussed and thought out well in the planning meeting, your grandmother should be able to attend without contact by the public. You just have to make sure people watching the doors are able to confront people kindly and offer the mask or no entry option.

It depends her wishes. But have it
outside graveside; with masks and social distancing; also ask people o forego giving their sympathies.

Health allowing, she should go in person with direct family.

She should go to the funeral in person. She can take it and you need to feel secure about this. If she wants, it should be a closed casket so she won’t have to see him. Personally, I think open caskets are barbaric, I never want to see a person i care about dead and I will not go to open casket funerals.

Also adding to my last statement, we all had to wear masks at the funeral and outside at graveside.  since it was mostly immediate family we were comfortable afterwards with no mask on at my house, no one hugged, but we got to say our good-byes.  I stopped yesterday to see if they had put the marker on my parents plot, which they did.......found out 2 other family members in same line.  I am sure most people right now (especially family members) know to keep distance and no hugging in situations like this, and also to wear mask.  Ask your grandma what she wants and be there for support which I am sure you will be.

Sorry for your loss.  My father just passed in May after dealing with dementia for 6 years. Of course the virus things have made everything different. We visited with him 3 hours before he passed (due to covid it was the first time in 3 months since we had seen him). We had a small funeral (only 25 allowed) but very few people came, only 3 outsiders from the family (it hurt to only have that many show up but what can you do).  We did have a graveside also and a family gathering at my house.  Now.......is it possible for your grandmother to see her hubby before anyone else (like at the funeral home before services). that way she can see him without being exposed to others?  Sometimes the funeral homes will allow family to come visit before anyone shows up.  This way she can say her good-byes in private (of course someone should be with her).  Is she having any dementia symptoms that would make it difficult for her to wonder what has happened?  Only you know how she is going to possibly react but (personally me) I would want to at least see him "alone" to say goodbye and then take her back home with someone being with her.  If she is mentally still "with it" she might regret later not being able to see him one last time.  Wishing you luck in this situation. It is hard.

Imho, the decision may be made by your grandmother. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

It depends. I don’t know how strong mentally and physically your grandmother is. What does she want?
I am probably her age (85). This is what I would want. My family as close to me as possible, just to be with me. Then go to the grave site. I would find an open coffin unbearable. I would skip the wake or whatever you plan for before.
After the cemetery ceremony, I would like the family to get together in some way. This would be important.
again, it depends on the health of your grandmother. Ask her and then suggest a pared down effort if you think she can handle it. I personally would not like to watch a video. Too much for me.
It’s so thoughtful of you to sort this out.
Best wishes

There is no way anyone could keep me from going to my husbands funeral. If it was only for a few minutes I could be before him, even if I didn’t stay or meet with anyone. Mask, take in and out to where she could watch the service on the tv. But allow her to be next to him to say good bye. So important! Oh my gosh yes. Sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss.

The funeral is for all of you but mostly, for your grandmother.

Arrange everything, from the music to the speakers and all the arrangements to comfort her.

if she can’t be physically in attendance per medical restrictions, arrange for her to participate in some type of receiving line (FaceTime). Hearing, “I’m sorry for your loss” is healing. On FaceTime you can record it so she can watch it again when she’s feeling better.

I would leave it up to grandma.

I'm not looking to see what Grandma's health issues are, but if she doesn't have dementia, I would ask her what she wants to do. I would most definitely pass on the public visitation...every person who would approach, while masked, is a (lower) risk (than unmasked)...heck I've been uneasy especially in flu season months going to any funeral for years. I'm sure the funeral home would allow some private time prior for Grandma (or after). On the other hand, if the service is graveside (and if so, assuming the weather is okay, do you really need both?) It should be far safer especially if people keep their distance. I worry about the people who should know better getting too close to express their condolences, but someone could be by grandma's side and shoo them back not to mention someone conducting the service making an announcement. I'm sorry to be so cynical but having recently reviewed the price list for a funeral home due to planning purposes, while I appreciated how itemized things were, it clearly leaves it open for feeling like a bit of scam/padding the bill. As in they'll make some extra $$$ by the "brief" indoor service, and as for the live stream...well, you know the circumstances. Are there close relatives or friends of yours and the family that would be more comfortable/safer, keep you all safer? I appreciated that option when someone I don't know well had a son pass away, because I would never go due to the risks (to myself and as a caregiver to two 90+). However, I found the camera poorly placed and the sound quality was really lousy. You could also see others who had "logged in" and older folks were a little more perplexed with it, but I also sensed that it meant something to them, to be able to do that while being safe. You are one heck of a good granddaughter...my condolences...stay safe...and know what a blessing you were and are to them both.

Ask her what she wants. She may want to say goodbye in person.

I would do, what my grandmother wishes.  Funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living; she is likely the prime person of this funeral. What is her view/ culture about funerals? How would she feel, not seeing his face or being present during the final words?

The thing about "advise" or making decisions for others, is you have to live with the outcome. Is this about you, or about her.  If she wants to go; let her go.

Let her decide then keep her safe if she chooses to be there in person, including instructing loved ones to resist hugs and show their affection and grief in other ways.

Please, please, please...let her go to the funeral. She deserves to say goodbye to her beloved husband.

My mom died last month. My dad is 97. He attended the funeral. When making arrangements we thought more of him then extended family and those in the community that knee my mom which were still quite a few. We did the service at the gravesite. My brother and myself and our children that could make it. I purchased a shield for dad and required all attending to wear a mask, even though it was outside. What we have noticed and found out from others having larger viewings. It was hard to control the wearing of mask. Anyone attending your moms service including you and your mom, could bring covid back into the house to your grandma. So things to think about large service or small and which is safer for grandma. She may agree to whatever because she does not want to to know she really wants to be there and see him. This was the case with dad. In the end he wanted small so he could attend. Prayers for all of you.

You should totally let it be your Grandmother's decision! Whatever her wishes are. Should be followed.

If she gets there and changes her mind, thst should be fine too. It's a shame loved ones have to die in a Nursing Home alone.

This is a choice for Grandma to make.
With her preexisting condition though it does make her in a higher risk group so if possible if she wants to go in person let her have a private visit, with someone with her. At the cemetery, again if she wishes to go let everyone get seated, keep her in the car until ready then she can go sit.
If she is going to do a "virtual" service someone should be with her and allow her to leave the room is she wishes.
Take all your cues from her.

Ask your grandma what she wants. I would suggest having some "places for her to escape ".
Is there a room at the funeral home that she could go to, if it's too much. Have family members take turns to be with her.
At graveside, could she sit in a car, if needed? Give her choices to help relief her anxieties.

When our mom passed, my sister was allowed a private visitation at the funeral home with just her and her husband (oncology patient). The funeral home was more than happy to accommodate them. They then attended the church service while staying far from everyone and did the same at the cemetery, then went home while the rest of us (13) went to a restaurant in our own private room. I think you will find that funeral homes are more than willing to accommodate the needs of the families.

You don't say if your mother is mentally fit or has dementia - will she understand or will she remember. If she is mentally fit then I think you have to ask her, if she won't remember the day after then I wouldn't take her - just a personal opinion.

This is her husband -- of course she should go unless she doesn't want to. This is not a decision for anyone but her to make.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and all your insight. My grandma deals with CHF but has been doing great with meds and everything and also has suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, which is why I want to make sure she's okay if she does attend. And also my grandfather is a veteran having served in 3 wars so the graveside service will be at a veterans cemetery and it would be about 20 min long. With COVID there's restrictions there too where they said they haven't been doing full military ceremonies which is a bummer because we want and he deserves it. We will get the flag though and I would love for my grandma to be there for that. We're hoping they maybe will make an exception in this case. We will see. I will definitely talk to her about it. I don't think anyone would say anything if she didn't go (and even if they did screw them lol). Our family and friends have been taking precautions with her during the pandemic so I expect they will do the same during services.

Lonely Star,

My condolences on the loss of your grandfather. Explain to your grandmother exactly what will happen at the funeral, and let her decide. She is probably stronger than you think. My father passed away in October and we faced this same dilemma (although without the virus). In fact, I asked a question on this forum over the same issue. My parents had been married 67 years, and my mother has numerous physical, as well as mental disorders. We were afraid it would be too much for her, but we were amazed at how well she did. There were several beautiful and poignant moments that I will never forget. I think it was important to her to be honored as the grieving widow of a war veteran. We had a reception that she briefly attended before asking to go back to her room.

You should ask your Grandmother what she wants to do. I'm assuming they have been married a long time and she may need the closure. Even with Dementia and Alzheimer's people still have some sense of the things going on around them. Don't be embarrassed or allow anyone else to dictate what you feel is best for you and your grandmother. Most funeral homes have enough space to space people out and allow your Grandmother to be the only one under the tent at graveside. I've had 3 funerals I've attended since COVID19 started and they were all fine. Some people need the goodbye, final time to process their grief, others do not. However, this is something very personal to each person and it should be your Grandmother who decides what she needs. The last thing you want is a week from now, your grandmother asks why she didn't get to say goodbye to her husband.

I posted earlier but I would just like to add a few things.

Some people think a formal ceremony is needed for closure. Your grandmother is certainly old enough to know how she feels. Please respect and accept her feelings.

This is such a personal decision to make. What may be right for one person will not be right for another. If a person needs a gathering for closure they should do it. Not everyone does though.

As I said, my grandma did not attend my grandpa’s funeral and she had no issues with not having ‘closure.’ It would have been too hard for her to attend, physically and emotionally.

In fact, my grandma stopped attending all funerals. She wasn’t comfortable going to them any longer. It didn’t mean that she didn’t love them. She loved them deeply.

I say do what is best for your grandmother and the family and do not be concerned about what others think. People who love you will respect your choices.

I'd ask my grandmother what SHE wants to do and go from there.

My condolences on the loss of your dear grandfather. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.

I'm sorry for your loss. Our family just went through this. We had a private viewing for the widower and his children and grandchildren only. As in your case, he hadn't been able to see her for months. It was very sad.

Extended family stayed in their cars but met in the parking lot of the funeral home and we did a procession past the house. Then everyone - masked- attended the graveside service staying in their family groups. We hope to have another memorial service when it is safe to do so.

It was the best we could do. I agree with everyone who says ask your grandmother and let her decide what she is comfortable with. If we had thought of it, I would have liked to set up Zoom condolence calls for the widower somehow so people could have shared condolences and memories with him. I think he would have liked that.