Should my grandmother attend my grandfather's funeral in person?

This should be your Grandmother's decision. Do supply her with the best mask you can, an N95 if possible, and this time, forgive me, but it is for her protection, not the protection of others (though will serve that purpose as well). Try to post anywhere to ask for a good mask even if construction grade with the value. Unless you forcefully breath out the values don't open, and you could cover the value with a small surgical mask. Again, you an advise, but this should be your grandmother's decision. I am so sorry for the loss for all involved. Just heard last week a program on NPR which said we always ask others but we never ask our ELDERS what it is they actually want. Good luck

I would let your grandmother decide.
My grandparents were married over fifty years and they loved each other dearly but she did not attend his funeral.

Grandma simply couldn’t bear to see him in a casket. Some people thought it was awful that she didn’t go. I understood completely how she felt.

Covid has complicated everything. Nothing feels normal. It is hard to adjust to any of this. If she goes, take all precautions to keep her safe.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Let her decide without trying to persuade her either way and respect her decision. I’m sorry for your loss

Lonelystar, I am so sorry for your families loss.

May God grant you all grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.

I agree with the others, let grandma decide what she wants to do without coercion.

I would not make her sit during the viewing. The service and graveside would be enough. I would ask that the minister make the service and graveside service short. As soon as it is over, take her back to the car. I would not have a big luncheon maybe just immediate family. Have her eat and if she is showing signs of being tired, take her home. I hope your visitation is like an hour before the service. A viewing the night before would be very exhausting for grandma.

Grandma's decision t
whether or not to go to any or all of it.
Whatever she decides, be supportive but reasonable because I'm guessing getting Grandma out may not be an easy task.
If she goes, enlist one or two others to help you, including creating a buffer from others, even well meaning family. Inform whoever's attending that Grandma will not be socializing with them as much as they want to pay their respects. Maybe she would like alone time with her husband also.
Talk to the funeral home people because they may be able to assist- private space for her and keep her safe.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ask the funeral director for a private viewing for gram, they will be more than happy to comply especially in these times. See if she wants to attend the service in person or via zoom. If she decides to go to the service mask is essential. Could you post a family member at the door to inform incoming people that to protect her social distancing is being strictly enforced not only because of covid but also any other kind of potential illness? This is a hard time for all of you. Condolences and prayers for the loss of your grandfather.

I'm sorry for your loss. Our family just went through this. We had a private viewing for the widower and his children and grandchildren only. As in your case, he hadn't been able to see her for months. It was very sad.

Extended family stayed in their cars but met in the parking lot of the funeral home and we did a procession past the house. Then everyone - masked- attended the graveside service staying in their family groups. We hope to have another memorial service when it is safe to do so.

It was the best we could do. I agree with everyone who says ask your grandmother and let her decide what she is comfortable with. If we had thought of it, I would have liked to set up Zoom condolence calls for the widower somehow so people could have shared condolences and memories with him. I think he would have liked that.

I'd ask my grandmother what SHE wants to do and go from there.

My condolences on the loss of your dear grandfather. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.

I posted earlier but I would just like to add a few things.

Some people think a formal ceremony is needed for closure. Your grandmother is certainly old enough to know how she feels. Please respect and accept her feelings.

This is such a personal decision to make. What may be right for one person will not be right for another. If a person needs a gathering for closure they should do it. Not everyone does though.

As I said, my grandma did not attend my grandpa’s funeral and she had no issues with not having ‘closure.’ It would have been too hard for her to attend, physically and emotionally.

In fact, my grandma stopped attending all funerals. She wasn’t comfortable going to them any longer. It didn’t mean that she didn’t love them. She loved them deeply.

I say do what is best for your grandmother and the family and do not be concerned about what others think. People who love you will respect your choices.

You should ask your Grandmother what she wants to do. I'm assuming they have been married a long time and she may need the closure. Even with Dementia and Alzheimer's people still have some sense of the things going on around them. Don't be embarrassed or allow anyone else to dictate what you feel is best for you and your grandmother. Most funeral homes have enough space to space people out and allow your Grandmother to be the only one under the tent at graveside. I've had 3 funerals I've attended since COVID19 started and they were all fine. Some people need the goodbye, final time to process their grief, others do not. However, this is something very personal to each person and it should be your Grandmother who decides what she needs. The last thing you want is a week from now, your grandmother asks why she didn't get to say goodbye to her husband.

Lonely Star,

My condolences on the loss of your grandfather. Explain to your grandmother exactly what will happen at the funeral, and let her decide. She is probably stronger than you think. My father passed away in October and we faced this same dilemma (although without the virus). In fact, I asked a question on this forum over the same issue. My parents had been married 67 years, and my mother has numerous physical, as well as mental disorders. We were afraid it would be too much for her, but we were amazed at how well she did. There were several beautiful and poignant moments that I will never forget. I think it was important to her to be honored as the grieving widow of a war veteran. We had a reception that she briefly attended before asking to go back to her room.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and all your insight. My grandma deals with CHF but has been doing great with meds and everything and also has suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, which is why I want to make sure she's okay if she does attend. And also my grandfather is a veteran having served in 3 wars so the graveside service will be at a veterans cemetery and it would be about 20 min long. With COVID there's restrictions there too where they said they haven't been doing full military ceremonies which is a bummer because we want and he deserves it. We will get the flag though and I would love for my grandma to be there for that. We're hoping they maybe will make an exception in this case. We will see. I will definitely talk to her about it. I don't think anyone would say anything if she didn't go (and even if they did screw them lol). Our family and friends have been taking precautions with her during the pandemic so I expect they will do the same during services.

This is her husband -- of course she should go unless she doesn't want to. This is not a decision for anyone but her to make.

You don't say if your mother is mentally fit or has dementia - will she understand or will she remember. If she is mentally fit then I think you have to ask her, if she won't remember the day after then I wouldn't take her - just a personal opinion.

When our mom passed, my sister was allowed a private visitation at the funeral home with just her and her husband (oncology patient). The funeral home was more than happy to accommodate them. They then attended the church service while staying far from everyone and did the same at the cemetery, then went home while the rest of us (13) went to a restaurant in our own private room. I think you will find that funeral homes are more than willing to accommodate the needs of the families.

Ask your grandma what she wants. I would suggest having some "places for her to escape ".
Is there a room at the funeral home that she could go to, if it's too much. Have family members take turns to be with her.
At graveside, could she sit in a car, if needed? Give her choices to help relief her anxieties.

This is a choice for Grandma to make.
With her preexisting condition though it does make her in a higher risk group so if possible if she wants to go in person let her have a private visit, with someone with her. At the cemetery, again if she wishes to go let everyone get seated, keep her in the car until ready then she can go sit.
If she is going to do a "virtual" service someone should be with her and allow her to leave the room is she wishes.
Take all your cues from her.

You should totally let it be your Grandmother's decision! Whatever her wishes are. Should be followed.

If she gets there and changes her mind, thst should be fine too. It's a shame loved ones have to die in a Nursing Home alone.

My mom died last month. My dad is 97. He attended the funeral. When making arrangements we thought more of him then extended family and those in the community that knee my mom which were still quite a few. We did the service at the gravesite. My brother and myself and our children that could make it. I purchased a shield for dad and required all attending to wear a mask, even though it was outside. What we have noticed and found out from others having larger viewings. It was hard to control the wearing of mask. Anyone attending your moms service including you and your mom, could bring covid back into the house to your grandma. So things to think about large service or small and which is safer for grandma. She may agree to whatever because she does not want to to know she really wants to be there and see him. This was the case with dad. In the end he wanted small so he could attend. Prayers for all of you.

Please, please, please...let her go to the funeral. She deserves to say goodbye to her beloved husband.

Let her decide then keep her safe if she chooses to be there in person, including instructing loved ones to resist hugs and show their affection and grief in other ways.

I would do, what my grandmother wishes.  Funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living; she is likely the prime person of this funeral. What is her view/ culture about funerals? How would she feel, not seeing his face or being present during the final words?

The thing about "advise" or making decisions for others, is you have to live with the outcome. Is this about you, or about her.  If she wants to go; let her go.

Ask her what she wants. She may want to say goodbye in person.

I'm not looking to see what Grandma's health issues are, but if she doesn't have dementia, I would ask her what she wants to do. I would most definitely pass on the public visitation...every person who would approach, while masked, is a (lower) risk (than unmasked)...heck I've been uneasy especially in flu season months going to any funeral for years. I'm sure the funeral home would allow some private time prior for Grandma (or after). On the other hand, if the service is graveside (and if so, assuming the weather is okay, do you really need both?) It should be far safer especially if people keep their distance. I worry about the people who should know better getting too close to express their condolences, but someone could be by grandma's side and shoo them back not to mention someone conducting the service making an announcement. I'm sorry to be so cynical but having recently reviewed the price list for a funeral home due to planning purposes, while I appreciated how itemized things were, it clearly leaves it open for feeling like a bit of scam/padding the bill. As in they'll make some extra $$$ by the "brief" indoor service, and as for the live stream...well, you know the circumstances. Are there close relatives or friends of yours and the family that would be more comfortable/safer, keep you all safer? I appreciated that option when someone I don't know well had a son pass away, because I would never go due to the risks (to myself and as a caregiver to two 90+). However, I found the camera poorly placed and the sound quality was really lousy. You could also see others who had "logged in" and older folks were a little more perplexed with it, but I also sensed that it meant something to them, to be able to do that while being safe. You are one heck of a good granddaughter...my condolences...stay safe...and know what a blessing you were and are to them both.

I would leave it up to grandma.

I’m sorry for your loss.

The funeral is for all of you but mostly, for your grandmother.

Arrange everything, from the music to the speakers and all the arrangements to comfort her.

if she can’t be physically in attendance per medical restrictions, arrange for her to participate in some type of receiving line (FaceTime). Hearing, “I’m sorry for your loss” is healing. On FaceTime you can record it so she can watch it again when she’s feeling better.

There is no way anyone could keep me from going to my husbands funeral. If it was only for a few minutes I could be before him, even if I didn’t stay or meet with anyone. Mask, take in and out to where she could watch the service on the tv. But allow her to be next to him to say good bye. So important! Oh my gosh yes. Sorry for your loss.

It depends. I don’t know how strong mentally and physically your grandmother is. What does she want?
I am probably her age (85). This is what I would want. My family as close to me as possible, just to be with me. Then go to the grave site. I would find an open coffin unbearable. I would skip the wake or whatever you plan for before.
After the cemetery ceremony, I would like the family to get together in some way. This would be important.
again, it depends on the health of your grandmother. Ask her and then suggest a pared down effort if you think she can handle it. I personally would not like to watch a video. Too much for me.
It’s so thoughtful of you to sort this out.
Best wishes

Imho, the decision may be made by your grandmother. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather.