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I know this should probably be an easy answer, but there's a few ways this could go especially COVID going on.


I've written in here before but it's been quite a while. I hope everyone is doing well. I've been one of the caregivers for both my grandparents for a few years along with my mom since we're both in the same city and it's been a lot. My grandfather died last week, almost 2 years to the day that he started falling ill and we placed him in a facility.


We're planning the funeral which can't happen until next week. There's a public visitation which will have a limit (it actually was just modified to allow us more people), social distancing, masks, etc. The next day there will be the graveside service and I believe a brief small service at the funeral home beforehand.


There's also an option for a live stream and I've been told that this may be the best option for my grandmother to watch at home with someone with her of course. I totally understand this, but I also feel like she should see him and say goodbye, especially since she hasn't been able to see him in a very long time. Also, while she did get a little emotional when we broke the news, I'm not sure how she will be if she sees him in person and I also worry it may be too much for her. So I'm torn on what would be the best option.


What would you do?

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Let her decide without trying to persuade her either way and respect her decision. I’m sorry for your loss
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Daughterof1930
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Ask the funeral director for a private viewing for gram, they will be more than happy to comply especially in these times. See if she wants to attend the service in person or via zoom. If she decides to go to the service mask is essential. Could you post a family member at the door to inform incoming people that to protect her social distancing is being strictly enforced not only because of covid but also any other kind of potential illness? This is a hard time for all of you. Condolences and prayers for the loss of your grandfather.
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Reply to Takincare
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disgustedtoo Sep 21, 2020
That would be my suggestion, IF she wants a viewing. Me personally, nope. I want to remember whoever as they were! My dad's mother was the first, and I only got as far as the parking lot for the "wake." For my mom's mother, I made it into the building, but was NOT comfortable with it. Funny that no one ever asked me to attend the burial/funeral - THAT would have been fine.

So, if she wants to see him one last time, ask for a private viewing. Depending on how strong she is physically, ask her if she'd like to attend the service/burial as well. I also would recommend avoiding a gathering after the fact. Too many people increases the chance of catching the virus. Unclear how old she is, but my mother doesn't like others wearing the masks around her and trying to keep one on her is nigh impossible!
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I would let your grandmother decide.
My grandparents were married over fifty years and they loved each other dearly but she did not attend his funeral.

Grandma simply couldn’t bear to see him in a casket. Some people thought it was awful that she didn’t go. I understood completely how she felt.

Covid has complicated everything. Nothing feels normal. It is hard to adjust to any of this. If she goes, take all precautions to keep her safe.

I am so sorry for your loss.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Lonely Star,

My condolences on the loss of your grandfather. Explain to your grandmother exactly what will happen at the funeral, and let her decide. She is probably stronger than you think. My father passed away in October and we faced this same dilemma (although without the virus). In fact, I asked a question on this forum over the same issue. My parents had been married 67 years, and my mother has numerous physical, as well as mental disorders. We were afraid it would be too much for her, but we were amazed at how well she did. There were several beautiful and poignant moments that I will never forget. I think it was important to her to be honored as the grieving widow of a war veteran. We had a reception that she briefly attended before asking to go back to her room.
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Reply to Treeartist
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MJ1929 Sep 19, 2020
This, exactly.

My mother has dementia, but she was married to my father for 66 years, and under no circumstances would I not have allowed her to be at her own husband's memorial service. We would have had a smaller service if necessary, but her attendance and chance to say goodbye was the top priority.

She did very well with the 300+ people who attended, but I don't think she remembers one minute of the service now. She pretty much forgot my dad within six months which has broken my heart, but I think her heart was broken, too. This is how she protects her heart now, because I don't think she could face life without him otherwise.
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Lonelystar, I am so sorry for your families loss.

May God grant you all grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.

I agree with the others, let grandma decide what she wants to do without coercion.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Grandma's decision t
whether or not to go to any or all of it.
Whatever she decides, be supportive but reasonable because I'm guessing getting Grandma out may not be an easy task.
If she goes, enlist one or two others to help you, including creating a buffer from others, even well meaning family. Inform whoever's attending that Grandma will not be socializing with them as much as they want to pay their respects. Maybe she would like alone time with her husband also.
Talk to the funeral home people because they may be able to assist- private space for her and keep her safe.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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Reply to babziellia
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I'd ask my grandmother what SHE wants to do and go from there.

My condolences on the loss of your dear grandfather. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Thank you everyone for your kind words and all your insight. My grandma deals with CHF but has been doing great with meds and everything and also has suffered from anxiety and depression for many years, which is why I want to make sure she's okay if she does attend. And also my grandfather is a veteran having served in 3 wars so the graveside service will be at a veterans cemetery and it would be about 20 min long. With COVID there's restrictions there too where they said they haven't been doing full military ceremonies which is a bummer because we want and he deserves it. We will get the flag though and I would love for my grandma to be there for that. We're hoping they maybe will make an exception in this case. We will see. I will definitely talk to her about it. I don't think anyone would say anything if she didn't go (and even if they did screw them lol). Our family and friends have been taking precautions with her during the pandemic so I expect they will do the same during services.
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Reply to LonelyStar1814
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JoAnn29 Sep 19, 2020
FYI, I think you can receive more than one flag. Not sure if u pay for the extras but you can ask.
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This should be your Grandmother's decision. Do supply her with the best mask you can, an N95 if possible, and this time, forgive me, but it is for her protection, not the protection of others (though will serve that purpose as well). Try to post anywhere to ask for a good mask even if construction grade with the value. Unless you forcefully breath out the values don't open, and you could cover the value with a small surgical mask. Again, you an advise, but this should be your grandmother's decision. I am so sorry for the loss for all involved. Just heard last week a program on NPR which said we always ask others but we never ask our ELDERS what it is they actually want. Good luck
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 18, 2020
N95 masks are readily available at paint stores, expensive but abundant.
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I would not make her sit during the viewing. The service and graveside would be enough. I would ask that the minister make the service and graveside service short. As soon as it is over, take her back to the car. I would not have a big luncheon maybe just immediate family. Have her eat and if she is showing signs of being tired, take her home. I hope your visitation is like an hour before the service. A viewing the night before would be very exhausting for grandma.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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