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I (38 yo single male) am looking to vent and ask for some advice, too. Sorry, in advance, if this is a long post. My mother (74), who was affected by dementia/Alzheimer's almost 5 years ago, lives with my 77 yo father. They stay in the same building as my two older married brothers, but separate floors. I live 40 min away from them.


Father is mentally sound, and pretty ok physically speaking, still being able to do some simple cooking, what they also cherish. I spend 1 to 2 days with them doing all the cooking, dishes, handling all the stuff in the washing machine, cleaning the house, and cleaning mother in the bathroom. She hardly goes to the bathroom on time, and has lost the ability to clean herself. Physically speaking, mother is doing ok.


Now the biggest problem is my father, who always just lets things be, and has never gotten us together to discuss the best solution for mom. He never asks them to do chores when I’m not there, or help mother in any way, even though they live in the same building! As a result, it seems that my brothers and their wives like to profit from his approach, which is apparent with them not being really committed to help with cleaning, cooking, and showering. Anyway, a couple of months ago I convinced my brothers to properly talk together, for us to find a better way of managing our parents’ situation, suggesting also that their wives take turn showering mother every 5 days. Still, not much progress ensued thereafter.


I went to my parents’ on Friday at noon, noticing that they had done no chores at all. On top of that, mother not showered for about 8 days. By 4 pm, I called the middle brother’s wife, since it was her turn and she was off, and politely asked her if she could shower mom. She said she had to leave for work in an hour. Well, ok, I replied.


Yesterday, in the morning, I asked my father to go upstairs and talk to the middle brother about the showering thing. He refused, and I insisted, raising the voice, too. He said - as usual - he wished he were dead, and that I disturbed his blood pressure. I retorted adding that I didn’t really care, and that he wasn’t a priority, but mom was. He went out on the balcony bearing a grudge. My middle brother met him there after a while. I asked my brother when his wife would return. He said she was gone for 2 days. “Well, I am just concerned about mom being not showered for 8 days, which you can see yourself”, I replied – mom was sitting close. I also reminded him that we had agreed differently when we had the talk. All this in no accusatory tone. But he took it amiss, saying that I couldn’t help making waves from time to time. I replied saying that if I have raised such issues, it was always in our parents’ interest, not mine. And that there was no point of talking to him and father because they’re the same. (Then ironically) "Sorry for bothering you today. Bye." We left it at that, and he went away.


Connecting the dots I understood that my brother made that comment also because father had complained to him about me in a childish way a little earlier. And I thought he had been talking to him about the showering thing, and their situation! I felt sold down the river!!


I rushed inside and hurriedly took my stuff, and dashed away telling my father that his problem wasn't blood pressure but his intrigues, and that if it hadn’t been for my mother, I wouldn’t have been so much around him.


(I should add here that while growing up I was never really my parents’ favorite. But with them getting older, I felt like I should help them more, especially when this disease affected mom.)


I know I overreacted to my father. But sometimes his total lack of cooperation really pisses me off.


So, what should I do from now on? My sister, who lives in my hometown, told me I shouldn't visit them for a month, and afterward go there only for a short visit to spend a few hours with mom, doing no chores, and let my father manage their situation the way he wants to. Thanks.

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Tony, want to thank you for all your responses. You have a great many suggestions on your feed now, and you have been responsive. It's a lot to consider. But just thanks to you, because so many OPs ask a really loaded question, get a ton of input from really well meaning folks, and don't hear a single word in response from the originator of the post. I appreciate your participation a whole lot and I hope to hear updates from you.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
I’m the one who should once again thank each of you for the ample, helpful, and thoughtful feedback. This site’s members are real saviors to those in need of real and considerate input and advice.
And, sure, l will keep you posted.
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Boy, is there a lot to unpack here. I see a lot of the dynamic in my husband's family in yours.

If I was you, I'd write down your priorities. I'm going to hope that your #1 priority is "Mom's care and safety." Number Two can be "Dad's care and safety."

Frankly, that's where the list should end.

Now you have to get past all the weeds that come with those two priorities, including "I was never their favorite," "SIL was too proud to accept money for showering duties," and any other moments where you find yourself becoming a mind reader. Chances are you're wrong about all those things, and even if you were correct, it's irrelevant. Far too many people play out entire arguments in their minds that are 100% off-base, and that is of no value to anyone. (BIG issue with husband's family, along with the Blame Game.)

Who has power of attorney for your folks -- anyone? That's the person who needs to take charge, and if they don't do it the way the others like, then too bad. There are too many captains of this ship, and not enough sailors. If no one is the POA, then I'd say you get the duties and can handled them how you see fit, because you're the only one who seems to give a rat's behind about your folks. That doesn't mean you get to dictate that your brothers and their wives needs to do certain chores, it means you deal directly with Dad (if he's even competent) to get help in the house to do the things that need to be done, or you handle them yourself.

Dad wants to be in charge of his own castle --I get it. Ask him to write down the things he'd like you to help with instead of you just blowing in there being all helpful on your own. (How dare you?? ;-) ) Some things are not negotiable, such as Mom being kept clean and properly cared for in the bathroom. This is why you will not walk away for a month -- she could get seriously ill from that kind of neglect.

Men especially want to feel like they are their wives heroes who are able to take care of them, so your Dad needs to still feel like that's what's going on. By letting him tell you what he wants done, he's in charge. If he doesn't want the house cleaned, don't clean the house. Pick up things they might trip over, but don't take it on yourself to throw out the piles of reading materials they never read or even wipe the shelves that have dust on them an inch thick. Some hills are worth dying on, and others aren't. The house needs to be clean in a way that's comfortable to them, not necessarily to you.

The best thing you can do is stop keeping score -- "Dad helped the brothers, and now they owe him." Your focus should be on helping Mom and Dad, and just get all the other noise out of your head. Sometimes things just aren't fair, and that's the end of the discussion.

Do what you know is right, because it is never wrong to do the right thing.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
There is no such thing as POA here. Sure, “mom’s care & safety” is the priority for me. (And, her possible parenting mistakes with me as a child have never affected the quality of my service and affection for her. Ok, father can be so uncooperative at times, or least solution-oriented person, and often we have a love and hate relationship, I suppose, but this hasn’t interfered with my degree of commitment to mom.)

My father’s behaviour about mom’s current condition is totally baffling to me because he doesn’t provide any solutions for what can/should be done. l have asked him several times about what “solution” he has in mind, and he just mumbles.

(As to the “castle” thing, his real one is in my (his) hometown, which he really misses. Here he says he is living due to my mother’s condition.
And this also adds up to his overall sadness.)

My brothers’ (and SILs’) attitude is equally disorienting, since they seem to agree about sharing chores and obligations on principle but fail to do so, in practice.

Their undeclared and tacit agreement - including my father’s -was/is that l should/would cover almost everything, alongside some basic cooking my father does.

(On a separate note here, I should add that dad and mom unfortunately were never really close to each other during the marriage, and although he has been doing his best over the last 3-4 years, he ended up mom’s caregiver by default, not choice.)

lf they don’t step in properly during this distance l am willing to maintain, l will have to look for a female caregiver, for whom most likely l will have to pay. (Anyway, l hope this search won’t be too hard to finalise, since my parents live in the countryside , in a Balkan country, where being an old person’s caregiver is highly looked down upon. Despite this, l will do my utmost to find someone for mom if all else fails.)
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What it sounds like to me is that what your father and brothers don't seem to get is that it isn't about them. It's about your mother who cannot do for herself anymore and she's not getting what she needs. It's not about what your mom and dad want, but what they need.
Your mom can't be going eight days without a shower. That's disgusting and dangerous. She will get sick. Does your father sponge-bath her daily? My guess is no. Your father sounds like he's still capable of doing a lot of her care, but not all of it.
They need a home/health aide a few hours at a time a few days a week. The aide will make sure your mom gets showered and will help out with the housekeeping. It will be good for your father too because he will be able to get time off from caregiving.
Your siblings will probably be on board with the home/health aide idea. If they're not and your father isn't then it's out of your hands. As for your father's intrigues and complaining, you have to learn to ignore that kind of nonsense if you're going to have any kind of relationship with pretty much most elderly people. I can count on one hand how many elderly people I've known as a caregiver and not as one who did not fuss and complain, start up intrigues, and instigate fights and problems over just about anything. That comes with the territory. You and your siblings need to learn when to ignore and when not to. You'll all be better off.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Exactly! That’s what l was saying to my father, when l had to raise the voice, too. “Say something or do something about your wife, as well. Look at her condition. It’s so dangerous, above all!”

As stated in the original post, my father only does the cooking for mom (and himself) and the dishes, but not other chores..Nor does he clean mom when she goes to the bathroom.
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I feel for you. People who set about communication in the roundabout-and-roundabout way your father seems to prefer drive me up the wall.

He would have liked to come and stay with your sister and BIL.
He didn't like to ask the resident children if they would look after their mother meanwhile, to give him this short break.
So he asked your BIL to have this uncomfortable conversation for him.
Your BIL, and why shouldn't he, mentioned the plan to your sister.
Your sister said she wasn't having it, this silly way of going about arrangements, and put the kybosh on the idea.
Unfortunately, the outcome was that:
the request wasn't made
Dad didn't get a break
your mother didn't get the fresh pair of eyes on her that might have helped
the resident siblings are still enjoying the bliss of ignorance, but may live to regret that
your sister was annoyed
your BIL may have been deterred from getting involved again
you are left feeling you're the only one who ever lifts a useful finger.

So I can't really see that anybody did well out of Dad's preferred method of negotiating!

Off to work for now but will mull. There must be a way...
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Well, I’m sure that even BIL would have hesitated to proceed in a roundabout way. So, what you call “dad’s preferred method of negotiating”, l find it to be really out of place, too. But , l also agree with you that he greatly needed that break.

Good work ;)
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You have a wise sister. Stop trying to make your brothers and their wives do what they’ve clearly shown you they aren’t willing to do. You have to accept their choices. Nothing will improve or change in this until your parents are forced to make a change and your stepping in is interrupting that
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Tony11 Feb 2021
You’re right. As stated earlier, if / when l have asked them to help around, l have done it really tactfully and politely. And, of course, l was aware all the time that they didn’t really want to help around/ share the chores..

On the other hand, l admit that l have been direct - my sister, as well - when it came to my father by sometimes strongly pushing him, as head of family, to have us - his sons- come up with the best solution for mom.
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Ok, thanks.
So # 1 (Bros & SILs step up) was a nice idea but hasn't happened in the real world. As I have written to others, no amount of pleading or pressure has changed this. In my past I tried both the passive hints, pleads, then more outright suggestions. Same response. Sibs will set their own boundaries. I was a bit sour until realising being bitter would not solve anything.

So you are left with #2 (other support services).

It can be really just a small adjustment in thinking. From *family only* caregivers to *family PLUS non-family* caregivers.

Use your month off to make calls, see what Govt services your folks quality for. If any council, charity or church run organisations provide homecare.

With a good care system in place, both your parents will be supported & your Mum can stay out of a nursing home for longer.

If only you, you burn out then they are stuck. That's how I see it anyway.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Yes, l will start looking for outside paid aid - a female caregiver, above all.
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I am smiling wryly. All credit to you for the domestic tasks you have been bravely undertaking. But just what makes you think that showering your mother should naturally fall to your SILs to undertake? They have other obligations and priorities, and frankly I don't blame them.

That is not to say that you are not right in thinking that your mother needs more structured support with her personal care; and as for your poor Dad! - five years of supporting and living with a beloved spouse through comparatively early onset dementia must have shredded him mentally and emotionally. Poor man. I doubt if he knows whether he's on his head or his heels.

Perhaps your best next step would be to find the Area Agency on Aging for your parents' town and see what services might be available to help them. Family is not always the best resource, and there may be many alternative options.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Well, l’m not saying my SILs must shower mother. There was no such order given to them by me! I asked them politely to do that because since they’re more experienced with babies and similar stuff, me never presupposing it’s something easy. And, of course, I have always been vocally appreciative of this service by them.

My father initially offered money to the older SIL for the showering service, but she refused it. Not to be gossiped , apparently , or because she felt too proud to accept it.

As regards my father, l know that he’s been depressed, and I was always available to step in and stay with mom when/if he wanted to go somewhere. Plus, over the last years, l have spent my entire annual leave with them in my home, so that he could visit anybody he wanted, and go anywhere he liked to. And, certainly, l would do everything at home.

Just a quick comparison with my middle brother. He was off for 10 days during the first half of this month, and my father didn’t have the courage to ask him to stay with the mother, in order for the father to spend a few days in my hometown, where he was invited by my brother-in- law. Instead, he asked my BIL to ask my brother for the permission, but my sister advised her hubby otherwise, since that roundabout request was out of place. Whereas, me? Available for him even at short notice.

So, this was my problem: being always available for him, and doing everything for him around the house. When I didn’t fit into the “perfect son” model — by me rightfully reacting to something, or sometimes overreacting. Well, l admit, l have occasionally been a bit controlling in striving for the enhancement of their wellbeing — he would immediately report this ‘imperfection’ to my brothers.

These overreactions have been primarily due to him totally neglecting my mother’s serious health problems, in not informing us about the real situation when they were living in my home time.

At the same time, he knew that l would return to being their caregiver again. The vicious cycle kept going on and on.

But the last incident was really the marking point for me to finally become the predominantly unavailable son!
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Tony, can I just clarify what your biggest wish is?

1. For the sibs to step in more? Share the load with you?
2. For a paid care-giver service to be affordable & replace what you are doing?
3. For Dad to take on his responsibility as a husband to care or arrange care for his wife?

I personally think taking the month off is a great idea.

Gives Dad time to actually see your Mother's function level. THEN he may be ready to acknowledge the present reality.

He may surprise you & start doing more himself... or he may sign them both up for assisted living! Wait & see.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
No. 1 or 2, or a combination of the two, would be the best solution for me. Appreciation from the father is also important, but not a priority for me at this moment..
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Tony, you are doing all the work because you are willing to do it. Father is not getting carer help because a) he is too proud to admit that he needs help, b) it’s women’s work and c) you are willing to do it. Brothers are doing nothing because a) it’s women’s work, b) father says he doesn’t need help and c) you are willing to do it. SILs are doing nothing because a) it’s not their parents b) father says he doesn’t need help and c) you are willing to do it.

The only thing you can change is ‘you are willing to do it’. It’s tough on your mother, but you have to back off if things are going to change. Perhaps if your sister is likely to visit, you could back off before she comes, let her find it’s a mess, and have her hit the roof at your father and brothers. She can walk away from the row, but she might prompt a more realistic family planning meeting.
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Beatty Feb 2021
I think you have excellent vision here Margaret.
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I get the impression you aren't in the US? One reason, you call it "old age pension". If so, the suggestion concerning Medicaid probably has nothing to do with you.

I can see where you are coming from. It really is sad when family doesn't come together to help parents. I am not saying that people don't have good reasons why they can't or won't get involved, prior abuse, live too far away or have Narcissist parents. But in your situation 2 brothers live in the same building. Is it really hard to check on their parents once a day? Your Dad can't throw a load of clothes in? Do a few dishes? My DH is 74 and does his own wash. He dries the dishes. He even runs the vacuum.

Your Dad could shower ur Mom. If you haven't yet, get a shower chair and a handle held shower head. She sits on the chair. You hose her down, then suds her up. Then hose her down again. There are dry shampoos. Special bathing wipes for in between showers. Your Dad can toilet her. If he is not willing to care for your Mom, and no one is willing to help, then maybe placing her in a Care facility is the best thing.

Is sister doing anything? If anyone should be bathing Mom maybe it should be her. If I had sons I would not appreciate them bathing me.

I think you would be much happier if you didn't expect anything from your siblings or SILs. I do agree, if ur parents have no xtra money that 4 children should be able to pitch in and hire someone to bathe Mom a couple of times a week. Maybe even do the chores you do. I wonder if the problem is your Dad. Everyone feels he is capable of doing a lot more than he does. But they need to realize, too, that caring for Mom 24/7 for is stressful and he needs time to get away. Is it so hard to sit with Mom why Dad has some time to himself? See if there are resources out there for them. Maybe a free or low cost aide. If you have a local Dept of Aging see if they can help.

When a question was asked on the forum "am I enabling Mom because I do such and such for her" a member answered "your not enabling, your disabling". You need to allow people do what they still are capable of doing for themselves. Dad may not like to do it, but he needs to.

Staying away for a month, I have a feeling u can't do that.😊 Do what you need to do for you. Don't worry about what the others are doing or not doing. Hopefully, u can find someone to bathe Mom. But realize, this may become too much for you to handle too. Mom will not get better so eventually she will need to be placed.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
No, we don’t live in the US. Looking for a lady may be the best option, and me paying for her. The point is that in the village where they live people are too proud to clean someone’s sh*t, even though they may desperately need the money to go by. So, finding such a caregiver isn’t an easy task in itself..

Sister cannot help much because she lives very far from us..
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You have a very wise sister. Listen to her.

Just a side note. I would not be okay if my husband volunteered me to shower his mom. Dad needs to hire a bath aid and take care of her in that way. Laying it on a daughter in law is not acceptable. Their children can make their own choices about what they will and will not do.

Any financial gains by anyone is exploitation because all of their finances need to be used to care for themselves.

I also want to say that no matter how hard you work for your parents they will never love you or regard you any differently than they have for your entire life. So, please do not stress yourself out trying to gain their approval, they don't have it to give.

Go visit, play nice and go home. They are adults and can handle their own lives. When they can no longer cope, well, I personally would not step up then either, I would provide a list of resources with the contact information.

EDIT: I just read all the posts. Okay, Tony, you have to get an occupational therapist in to the house and direct what type of equipment is needed to shower mom safely. You are worried about showering her for fear of falling, what do you think your SILs feel? Regardless of what is thought, women are weaker physically than men and they are likely to be injured by helping her as untrained bath aids as well as injuring mom.

Help dad find out what their insurance will cover and get that therapist in the house to help keep mom as safe as possible.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
The SILs use e chair to shower mom. Mom’s falling may befall to anyone - l stressed that earlier. I feel more scared in this regard, and less capable of doing it.
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You need to stop. You know already that your siblings do not wish to help. You cannot make them help, and guilting them will destroy any relationship you have. It is the problem right now of your father thinking he is able to keep you Mom at home. Perhaps for now, he can. And you are enabling him to do so. The one who DOES stuff is expected to DO stuff. We make our own contracts in life. You have signed up as caregiver and everyone is perfectly happy with that. Others have NOT signed up, and they don't expect to.
You have done everything right. You have brought them together and talked, but it sounds like you came to no written verbal agreements on paper that is a contract. Joe's wife does Mom's shower on Mondays. Joe does shopping every Wednesday. Sue does the two months MD appointments, and etc.
Looks like it is you and Mom and Dad. Forget about the other siblings. Now question is how much do YOU want to do because "there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions" (thanks again Beatty.
I would cut back on your caregiving, not for a month, but forever. I would decide for myself what I can do. Check in a.m. and p.m. on phone. Arrange carefare to appointments. Shop on Wednesday. Whatever it is. And I would give that to Dad and tell Dad you will be there to support him in finding care when the care of Mom becomes too much for him.
I know it's hard. But just try to engrave this on your brain. The sibs aren't going to help much. My anger is going to chase them away completely and harm myself.
Sorry. I know how hard this is. But raising your own blood pressure is going to help no one, nor change a thing. I wish you the best. I hope you will let us know what works. If you had volunteer help of your close-by siblings this would sound like the ideal situation.
Ask them if they will take over wellness checks a.m. and p.m. given they live there. At least that will be done for you. Good luck.
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Beatty Feb 2021
Yes yes & more yes to all that!
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Tony11, my point is that it should be the responsibility of the children of the parents involved that should do the "dirty work" bathing, cleaning not their WIVES.
If your brothers do not want to do what needs to be done you/they do not get to expect their wives to do it.
then your parents hire caregivers that come in and do what needs to be done. Or Memory Care for mom and maybe AL for dad if he needs that.
Are the males in the family just not comfortable caring for mom doing personal care? If that is the case, get over it you do what needs to be done.
Sorry to sound harsh. I just do not think it is fair to your Sisters in Law to EXPECT them to do this.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
No, no, it’s not about me finding it dirty or anything. I have been covering everything, and l would have showered mom even here, just as l did during past August in my hometown. I just feel scared now that mom may fall, which can also befall any caregiver, of course.
Also, my sister advised me to not do even the showering thing because my SILs will never bother to be helpful with anything then.

I’m not including their husbands - i.e. my brothers - since they’re not “cut out” for housework. To me, the best solution would be to share the burden among us the three brothers- each caring for our parents 2 days per week. But they don’t like any solution so far, as they and my father thought l would handle everything during the weekend.

So, you get the point: once you do something, then they withdraw and disappear.

I suppose four people (2 brothers and their 2 wives) showering 1 person once a week isn’t such an insurmountable task.
Or let them chip in to hire the lady willing to do that, and the rest...I have been open to all solutions, and they know that.
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I have to ask
WHY are the three brothers putting his on the wives to do the chores for YOUR parents?
The 3 of you should be doing this if this is what you want.
If you can not bring yourselves to do what needs to be done then you either
A) hire caregivers that will come in daily to do what needs to be done for both parents.
B) begin to look for Memory Care for mom and if necessary Assisted Living for dad.
Step back.
Stop the cooking, cleaning and all the rest of the things that you are doing to "prop them up" .
The situation will get worse before it gets better. There is the possibility that at that point everyone will come to the conclusion that dad can not care for mom properly and placing her in MC or getting caregivers is would be the solution.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Because my brothers have never done chores, nor do they want to now.

As stated in the original post, we haven’t come up with a real solution as to what we must do with mom on a daily basis, and when & how to hire outside aid. It seems that my father and brothers haven’t been able to face the music and act accordingly yet...
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Then they need to apply for Medicaid.

They might also considwr "downsizing" and using the procedes from the house to fund their care. Do they have Social Security?
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Yes, they should. Where we live, the state covers a caregiver’s amount of $ 175 per month. And this caregiver must be unemployed, receiving no state benefit, in order for them to be considered by the evaluation commission. My sister suggested that my older SIL apply to become mom’s caregiver, since with her part-time job, she is just making $ 120 per month. But they weren’t really cooperative due to pride issues, above all.

As regards social security, they each get an old-age pension, which serves only to provide for their basic needs.

They live on the first floor in a private house, so selling part of it is not an option, where they are.
Thanks for the valuable input.
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Tony, your SIL is correct. It is your PARENTS' money that should go to pay for mom's care, not yours and your siblings'.

Your parents (and mine) had a lifetime to save funds to pay for their end of life care. If giving money to the adult kids was a "quid pro quo" (this for that) for care in the future, it should have been made clear that the money was a transaction and not a gift. Gifts have no strings attatched.

If your parents are low on funds, they need to apply for social services.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
You’re right. Well, the money was given to them as a gift, and now they only have around $3000, which l managed to put in a bank account a couple of years ago. They do get an old-age pension but it’s not enough to hire a lady for mom.
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I certainly can’t blame you for not wanting to shower your mother. I’m not looking forward to showering my father when the time comes. I’ve asked my husband even though he is under no obligation if it’s something he is willing to do and we both decided we would hire help to make it easier for everyone.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
You’re right, and l know showering mom isn’t easy at all. I did this myself during last August, when l stayed the entire month with my parents in my hometown. Now, I’m so scared to do that for fear of mom falling.

My sister told me that I shouldn’t try to shower mom here because my SILs are also supposed to cover something around the house.
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Tony, you mother's life is not your to manage. If I were your SIL, I would resent the He!! out of you telling me it was my job to shower YOUR mother.

This is your dad's job to manage. He needs to hire help, or have a family meeting and figure out what to do about this issue.

Yes, leave for a month. Let dad figure it out.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
You’re right. Last year I suggested we sought a lady for mom, but the middle brother’s wife said she wasn’t willing to chip in because she had two kids to care for. Her husband - my brother - was there and said nothing. (Imagine, they have decent jobs, and refuse to make a symbolic contribution.)
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ZippyZee, l have never forced them to do anything - l have always asked them politely and tactfully.

On a separate note, they (my brothers & their wives) are supposed to commit away more to our parents, because the latter have provided so much for them over the years, financially, as well. This is why l have often pushed my father to be reasonably demanding of their services now. One good turn deserves another, doesn’t it?
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My first instinct is to question why you're attempting to force your brother's wives to do hands-on caregiving for your Mom.

Not their job just because they're female.

But yes, certainly distance yourself for a month or more. I agree with your sister.
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