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I (38 yo single male) am looking to vent and ask for some advice, too. Sorry, in advance, if this is a long post. My mother (74), who was affected by dementia/Alzheimer's almost 5 years ago, lives with my 77 yo father. They stay in the same building as my two older married brothers, but separate floors. I live 40 min away from them.


Father is mentally sound, and pretty ok physically speaking, still being able to do some simple cooking, what they also cherish. I spend 1 to 2 days with them doing all the cooking, dishes, handling all the stuff in the washing machine, cleaning the house, and cleaning mother in the bathroom. She hardly goes to the bathroom on time, and has lost the ability to clean herself. Physically speaking, mother is doing ok.


Now the biggest problem is my father, who always just lets things be, and has never gotten us together to discuss the best solution for mom. He never asks them to do chores when I’m not there, or help mother in any way, even though they live in the same building! As a result, it seems that my brothers and their wives like to profit from his approach, which is apparent with them not being really committed to help with cleaning, cooking, and showering. Anyway, a couple of months ago I convinced my brothers to properly talk together, for us to find a better way of managing our parents’ situation, suggesting also that their wives take turn showering mother every 5 days. Still, not much progress ensued thereafter.


I went to my parents’ on Friday at noon, noticing that they had done no chores at all. On top of that, mother not showered for about 8 days. By 4 pm, I called the middle brother’s wife, since it was her turn and she was off, and politely asked her if she could shower mom. She said she had to leave for work in an hour. Well, ok, I replied.


Yesterday, in the morning, I asked my father to go upstairs and talk to the middle brother about the showering thing. He refused, and I insisted, raising the voice, too. He said - as usual - he wished he were dead, and that I disturbed his blood pressure. I retorted adding that I didn’t really care, and that he wasn’t a priority, but mom was. He went out on the balcony bearing a grudge. My middle brother met him there after a while. I asked my brother when his wife would return. He said she was gone for 2 days. “Well, I am just concerned about mom being not showered for 8 days, which you can see yourself”, I replied – mom was sitting close. I also reminded him that we had agreed differently when we had the talk. All this in no accusatory tone. But he took it amiss, saying that I couldn’t help making waves from time to time. I replied saying that if I have raised such issues, it was always in our parents’ interest, not mine. And that there was no point of talking to him and father because they’re the same. (Then ironically) "Sorry for bothering you today. Bye." We left it at that, and he went away.


Connecting the dots I understood that my brother made that comment also because father had complained to him about me in a childish way a little earlier. And I thought he had been talking to him about the showering thing, and their situation! I felt sold down the river!!


I rushed inside and hurriedly took my stuff, and dashed away telling my father that his problem wasn't blood pressure but his intrigues, and that if it hadn’t been for my mother, I wouldn’t have been so much around him.


(I should add here that while growing up I was never really my parents’ favorite. But with them getting older, I felt like I should help them more, especially when this disease affected mom.)


I know I overreacted to my father. But sometimes his total lack of cooperation really pisses me off.


So, what should I do from now on? My sister, who lives in my hometown, told me I shouldn't visit them for a month, and afterward go there only for a short visit to spend a few hours with mom, doing no chores, and let my father manage their situation the way he wants to. Thanks.

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My first instinct is to question why you're attempting to force your brother's wives to do hands-on caregiving for your Mom.

Not their job just because they're female.

But yes, certainly distance yourself for a month or more. I agree with your sister.
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Tony, you mother's life is not your to manage. If I were your SIL, I would resent the He!! out of you telling me it was my job to shower YOUR mother.

This is your dad's job to manage. He needs to hire help, or have a family meeting and figure out what to do about this issue.

Yes, leave for a month. Let dad figure it out.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
You’re right. Last year I suggested we sought a lady for mom, but the middle brother’s wife said she wasn’t willing to chip in because she had two kids to care for. Her husband - my brother - was there and said nothing. (Imagine, they have decent jobs, and refuse to make a symbolic contribution.)
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Tony, your SIL is correct. It is your PARENTS' money that should go to pay for mom's care, not yours and your siblings'.

Your parents (and mine) had a lifetime to save funds to pay for their end of life care. If giving money to the adult kids was a "quid pro quo" (this for that) for care in the future, it should have been made clear that the money was a transaction and not a gift. Gifts have no strings attatched.

If your parents are low on funds, they need to apply for social services.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
You’re right. Well, the money was given to them as a gift, and now they only have around $3000, which l managed to put in a bank account a couple of years ago. They do get an old-age pension but it’s not enough to hire a lady for mom.
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Tony, you are doing all the work because you are willing to do it. Father is not getting carer help because a) he is too proud to admit that he needs help, b) it’s women’s work and c) you are willing to do it. Brothers are doing nothing because a) it’s women’s work, b) father says he doesn’t need help and c) you are willing to do it. SILs are doing nothing because a) it’s not their parents b) father says he doesn’t need help and c) you are willing to do it.

The only thing you can change is ‘you are willing to do it’. It’s tough on your mother, but you have to back off if things are going to change. Perhaps if your sister is likely to visit, you could back off before she comes, let her find it’s a mess, and have her hit the roof at your father and brothers. She can walk away from the row, but she might prompt a more realistic family planning meeting.
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Beatty Feb 2021
I think you have excellent vision here Margaret.
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I have to ask
WHY are the three brothers putting his on the wives to do the chores for YOUR parents?
The 3 of you should be doing this if this is what you want.
If you can not bring yourselves to do what needs to be done then you either
A) hire caregivers that will come in daily to do what needs to be done for both parents.
B) begin to look for Memory Care for mom and if necessary Assisted Living for dad.
Step back.
Stop the cooking, cleaning and all the rest of the things that you are doing to "prop them up" .
The situation will get worse before it gets better. There is the possibility that at that point everyone will come to the conclusion that dad can not care for mom properly and placing her in MC or getting caregivers is would be the solution.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Because my brothers have never done chores, nor do they want to now.

As stated in the original post, we haven’t come up with a real solution as to what we must do with mom on a daily basis, and when & how to hire outside aid. It seems that my father and brothers haven’t been able to face the music and act accordingly yet...
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You need to stop. You know already that your siblings do not wish to help. You cannot make them help, and guilting them will destroy any relationship you have. It is the problem right now of your father thinking he is able to keep you Mom at home. Perhaps for now, he can. And you are enabling him to do so. The one who DOES stuff is expected to DO stuff. We make our own contracts in life. You have signed up as caregiver and everyone is perfectly happy with that. Others have NOT signed up, and they don't expect to.
You have done everything right. You have brought them together and talked, but it sounds like you came to no written verbal agreements on paper that is a contract. Joe's wife does Mom's shower on Mondays. Joe does shopping every Wednesday. Sue does the two months MD appointments, and etc.
Looks like it is you and Mom and Dad. Forget about the other siblings. Now question is how much do YOU want to do because "there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions" (thanks again Beatty.
I would cut back on your caregiving, not for a month, but forever. I would decide for myself what I can do. Check in a.m. and p.m. on phone. Arrange carefare to appointments. Shop on Wednesday. Whatever it is. And I would give that to Dad and tell Dad you will be there to support him in finding care when the care of Mom becomes too much for him.
I know it's hard. But just try to engrave this on your brain. The sibs aren't going to help much. My anger is going to chase them away completely and harm myself.
Sorry. I know how hard this is. But raising your own blood pressure is going to help no one, nor change a thing. I wish you the best. I hope you will let us know what works. If you had volunteer help of your close-by siblings this would sound like the ideal situation.
Ask them if they will take over wellness checks a.m. and p.m. given they live there. At least that will be done for you. Good luck.
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Beatty Feb 2021
Yes yes & more yes to all that!
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You have a very wise sister. Listen to her.

Just a side note. I would not be okay if my husband volunteered me to shower his mom. Dad needs to hire a bath aid and take care of her in that way. Laying it on a daughter in law is not acceptable. Their children can make their own choices about what they will and will not do.

Any financial gains by anyone is exploitation because all of their finances need to be used to care for themselves.

I also want to say that no matter how hard you work for your parents they will never love you or regard you any differently than they have for your entire life. So, please do not stress yourself out trying to gain their approval, they don't have it to give.

Go visit, play nice and go home. They are adults and can handle their own lives. When they can no longer cope, well, I personally would not step up then either, I would provide a list of resources with the contact information.

EDIT: I just read all the posts. Okay, Tony, you have to get an occupational therapist in to the house and direct what type of equipment is needed to shower mom safely. You are worried about showering her for fear of falling, what do you think your SILs feel? Regardless of what is thought, women are weaker physically than men and they are likely to be injured by helping her as untrained bath aids as well as injuring mom.

Help dad find out what their insurance will cover and get that therapist in the house to help keep mom as safe as possible.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
The SILs use e chair to shower mom. Mom’s falling may befall to anyone - l stressed that earlier. I feel more scared in this regard, and less capable of doing it.
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What it sounds like to me is that what your father and brothers don't seem to get is that it isn't about them. It's about your mother who cannot do for herself anymore and she's not getting what she needs. It's not about what your mom and dad want, but what they need.
Your mom can't be going eight days without a shower. That's disgusting and dangerous. She will get sick. Does your father sponge-bath her daily? My guess is no. Your father sounds like he's still capable of doing a lot of her care, but not all of it.
They need a home/health aide a few hours at a time a few days a week. The aide will make sure your mom gets showered and will help out with the housekeeping. It will be good for your father too because he will be able to get time off from caregiving.
Your siblings will probably be on board with the home/health aide idea. If they're not and your father isn't then it's out of your hands. As for your father's intrigues and complaining, you have to learn to ignore that kind of nonsense if you're going to have any kind of relationship with pretty much most elderly people. I can count on one hand how many elderly people I've known as a caregiver and not as one who did not fuss and complain, start up intrigues, and instigate fights and problems over just about anything. That comes with the territory. You and your siblings need to learn when to ignore and when not to. You'll all be better off.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
Exactly! That’s what l was saying to my father, when l had to raise the voice, too. “Say something or do something about your wife, as well. Look at her condition. It’s so dangerous, above all!”

As stated in the original post, my father only does the cooking for mom (and himself) and the dishes, but not other chores..Nor does he clean mom when she goes to the bathroom.
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Boy, is there a lot to unpack here. I see a lot of the dynamic in my husband's family in yours.

If I was you, I'd write down your priorities. I'm going to hope that your #1 priority is "Mom's care and safety." Number Two can be "Dad's care and safety."

Frankly, that's where the list should end.

Now you have to get past all the weeds that come with those two priorities, including "I was never their favorite," "SIL was too proud to accept money for showering duties," and any other moments where you find yourself becoming a mind reader. Chances are you're wrong about all those things, and even if you were correct, it's irrelevant. Far too many people play out entire arguments in their minds that are 100% off-base, and that is of no value to anyone. (BIG issue with husband's family, along with the Blame Game.)

Who has power of attorney for your folks -- anyone? That's the person who needs to take charge, and if they don't do it the way the others like, then too bad. There are too many captains of this ship, and not enough sailors. If no one is the POA, then I'd say you get the duties and can handled them how you see fit, because you're the only one who seems to give a rat's behind about your folks. That doesn't mean you get to dictate that your brothers and their wives needs to do certain chores, it means you deal directly with Dad (if he's even competent) to get help in the house to do the things that need to be done, or you handle them yourself.

Dad wants to be in charge of his own castle --I get it. Ask him to write down the things he'd like you to help with instead of you just blowing in there being all helpful on your own. (How dare you?? ;-) ) Some things are not negotiable, such as Mom being kept clean and properly cared for in the bathroom. This is why you will not walk away for a month -- she could get seriously ill from that kind of neglect.

Men especially want to feel like they are their wives heroes who are able to take care of them, so your Dad needs to still feel like that's what's going on. By letting him tell you what he wants done, he's in charge. If he doesn't want the house cleaned, don't clean the house. Pick up things they might trip over, but don't take it on yourself to throw out the piles of reading materials they never read or even wipe the shelves that have dust on them an inch thick. Some hills are worth dying on, and others aren't. The house needs to be clean in a way that's comfortable to them, not necessarily to you.

The best thing you can do is stop keeping score -- "Dad helped the brothers, and now they owe him." Your focus should be on helping Mom and Dad, and just get all the other noise out of your head. Sometimes things just aren't fair, and that's the end of the discussion.

Do what you know is right, because it is never wrong to do the right thing.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
There is no such thing as POA here. Sure, “mom’s care & safety” is the priority for me. (And, her possible parenting mistakes with me as a child have never affected the quality of my service and affection for her. Ok, father can be so uncooperative at times, or least solution-oriented person, and often we have a love and hate relationship, I suppose, but this hasn’t interfered with my degree of commitment to mom.)

My father’s behaviour about mom’s current condition is totally baffling to me because he doesn’t provide any solutions for what can/should be done. l have asked him several times about what “solution” he has in mind, and he just mumbles.

(As to the “castle” thing, his real one is in my (his) hometown, which he really misses. Here he says he is living due to my mother’s condition.
And this also adds up to his overall sadness.)

My brothers’ (and SILs’) attitude is equally disorienting, since they seem to agree about sharing chores and obligations on principle but fail to do so, in practice.

Their undeclared and tacit agreement - including my father’s -was/is that l should/would cover almost everything, alongside some basic cooking my father does.

(On a separate note here, I should add that dad and mom unfortunately were never really close to each other during the marriage, and although he has been doing his best over the last 3-4 years, he ended up mom’s caregiver by default, not choice.)

lf they don’t step in properly during this distance l am willing to maintain, l will have to look for a female caregiver, for whom most likely l will have to pay. (Anyway, l hope this search won’t be too hard to finalise, since my parents live in the countryside , in a Balkan country, where being an old person’s caregiver is highly looked down upon. Despite this, l will do my utmost to find someone for mom if all else fails.)
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Tony, want to thank you for all your responses. You have a great many suggestions on your feed now, and you have been responsive. It's a lot to consider. But just thanks to you, because so many OPs ask a really loaded question, get a ton of input from really well meaning folks, and don't hear a single word in response from the originator of the post. I appreciate your participation a whole lot and I hope to hear updates from you.
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Tony11 Feb 2021
I’m the one who should once again thank each of you for the ample, helpful, and thoughtful feedback. This site’s members are real saviors to those in need of real and considerate input and advice.
And, sure, l will keep you posted.
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