My two sisters are financially miles apart: one can afford things and the other can't. One filed for bankruptcy a few years ago that greatly affected the other sister. Our dad passed away a few months ago without any assets to pay for the funeral which has been left to us kids to pay for. My older sister, who can pay, and I have so far been paying for it. There are a few thousand dollars remaining to pay. My older sister is legally obligated to the funeral home and will end up paying the balance while my younger sister will have paid nothing. My younger sister and her husband both have jobs and have not made any effort to pay anything toward the bill. She is defensive about messages concerning starting some kind of payment plan to the funeral home. Since she knows she doesn't have to pay anything, she isn't. I sent a message to my two sisters about her starting to pay the funeral home and got no response from her but did get a response from one of her daughters, who wasn't part of the message. I told the daughter that this is between my sisters and I.
Our mom doesn't have any assets either so it will likely be up to my older sister and I to pay for any and all funeral arrangements when she passes.
The people who should be involved in the planning are the ones who are paying for the funeral. If you and your sister will be paying for your moms services, then the two of you get to call the shots. What you say goes. It’s your money. If your other sister isn’t going to help pay, then don’t include her in the planning. If she wants to volunteer her time to help set up or prepare a slide show, please allow her to do that. But decision making? Expenses? No you don't have to allow her to have a say in any of that.
Any funds for my mom's funeral will come from, more than likely, my older sister and I. That's why I asked the question, should my younger sister have a say in mom's funeral arrangement planning since she hasn't paid anything?
Is there a reason why you and one sister think a funeral is worth going in to debt over? And when your fathers arrangements were made, did all of you agree to split the cost and then one sister never paid her share? Or did one of you go to the funeral home & take on a debt expecting that everyone would chip in?
If you’ve learned anything from your fathers final arrangement, it should be that funerals are racket & you shouldn’t plan something that the deceased cannot afford to pay for! Cremation is inexpensive & remains can be scattered or kept in urn in someone’s home. Instead of trying to seek revenge on the sister who didn’t help pay for your fathers funeral, you should be focusing on how to give your mom a proper send off that doesn’t require anyone to take on debt, or sibling to have to pay $10k for the funeral. Start planning ahead. You can cut costs by planning ahead & finding an urn, casket, headstone, etc online instead of buying them from the funeral home at a big mark up. See if mom can afford to start setting aside money each month to pay for a burial trust or cremation.
My original question asks if my younger sister should have a say in any of mom's funeral arrangements since she hasn't paid anything for my dad's funeral, obligation or not.
Unless, I wanted to pursue someone for breach of contract for not paying on the past funeral, after they said they would, I'd let it go. Life is too short to dwell on money issues. When you sign to be responsible, you know it's your debt and may not get reimbursed from siblings, though, she might seek reimbursement from the estate, if it's available. It's a sad situation. I'd likely let whoever wants to make the decision, pay the bill and see who wants to step up for it.
During this pandemic and the alterations to the 'norm' we have had 7 friends and/or relatives pass. No funerals, no viewings, just a small graveside service and a plan to possibly get together later to have a reminiscence. A few of the people had opted for cremation, and the widows both opted to wait until the world stops freaking out and then they will have a service. One is actually going to be remarried by the time they have her deceased husband's service!
I'm not cheap, but the thought of spending $20K on a funeral just grinds my gears. My FIL's funeral was the result of 3 guilty kids feeling like they'd not done a very good job being kids--and went with the most expensive coffin, headstone and flowers. Dad was buried in the most expensive piece of furniture he ever owned. I bit my tongue and never said anything.
Tomorrow, my BF from high school is bringing my DH and me our 'colombariums'--the 'urns' our ashes will reside in. He is a master woodworker and is only charging me $200 for the set. I don't know if I will opt to put them in a niche in our cemetery or make them 'traveling trophies'. Each kid can 'host us' for 2 months a year.
I feel for you--don't make a huge deal out of this. Families will completely fracture over things like this and you have to ask yourself if is was worth it.
I'm sorry for your loss--don't lose a sister over this too.
Check with your local Funeral director and see if there are any policies out there you can set up for Mom. Maybe a trust where you can start putting money away.
You are not going to get anything out of younger sister. You can have two jobs but doesn't mean they are not living from pay to pay.