Should a sibling, who has not contributed any funds for our father's funeral, be allowed to have a say in mom's final arrangements?

You can’t change what’s already taken place and you most certainly can’t force a sister to pay. The sister who signed for the financial obligation of this will have to pay. It may well be that you don’t find this fair, but it doesn’t change the fact that no one can be forced to pay for anything they didn’t sign up for. The most important thing now is to learn from this before the next time. Do only a funeral that’s within whatever small budget your mother’s assets will allow when the time comes. A big, elaborate funeral and expensive casket aren’t needed, those things don’t change your memories. Funerals are a financial racket in my opinion, don’t do this again. I wish you peace

I have found in the last few years that people seem to be wising up when it comes to Funerals. More people are opting for Cremation. Where I live its about $2500. There maybe a memorial service or luncheoon. Sometimes in the future when convenient for all family members or on a special occasion. My Moms was 11k but she had 10k in a funeral trust. She already had a plot with my Dad so we went with a traditional funeral and viewing before the service.

Check with your local Funeral director and see if there are any policies out there you can set up for Mom. Maybe a trust where you can start putting money away.

You are not going to get anything out of younger sister. You can have two jobs but doesn't mean they are not living from pay to pay.

Sad that the 'final' days of someone's life can be the most stressful and difficult times--actually, NONE of you are truly responsible for the funeral. But that's my opinion.

During this pandemic and the alterations to the 'norm' we have had 7 friends and/or relatives pass. No funerals, no viewings, just a small graveside service and a plan to possibly get together later to have a reminiscence. A few of the people had opted for cremation, and the widows both opted to wait until the world stops freaking out and then they will have a service. One is actually going to be remarried by the time they have her deceased husband's service!

I'm not cheap, but the thought of spending $20K on a funeral just grinds my gears. My FIL's funeral was the result of 3 guilty kids feeling like they'd not done a very good job being kids--and went with the most expensive coffin, headstone and flowers. Dad was buried in the most expensive piece of furniture he ever owned. I bit my tongue and never said anything.

Tomorrow, my BF from high school is bringing my DH and me our 'colombariums'--the 'urns' our ashes will reside in. He is a master woodworker and is only charging me $200 for the set. I don't know if I will opt to put them in a niche in our cemetery or make them 'traveling trophies'. Each kid can 'host us' for 2 months a year.

I feel for you--don't make a huge deal out of this. Families will completely fracture over things like this and you have to ask yourself if is was worth it.

I'm sorry for your loss--don't lose a sister over this too.

To me, if there are not available funds for funerals, no one should have to go into debt for it. A simple cremation or burial would suffice. Plus, with the covid restrictions, (not sure if your state still has any, mine does), people are not attending funerals or it's limited to a certain number of people. Direct burial or cremation with a memorial service later on, which costs little, is common. And, it's not even wise to be going to funerals, sitting next to people, etc. The whole idea of gathering together has changed. The more loving thing is to not gather.

Unless, I wanted to pursue someone for breach of contract for not paying on the past funeral, after they said they would, I'd let it go. Life is too short to dwell on money issues. When you sign to be responsible, you know it's your debt and may not get reimbursed from siblings, though, she might seek reimbursement from the estate, if it's available. It's a sad situation. I'd likely let whoever wants to make the decision, pay the bill and see who wants to step up for it.

No.

You are approaching this all wrong.

Is there a reason why you and one sister think a funeral is worth going in to debt over? And when your fathers arrangements were made, did all of you agree to split the cost and then one sister never paid her share? Or did one of you go to the funeral home & take on a debt expecting that everyone would chip in?

If you’ve learned anything from your fathers final arrangement, it should be that funerals are racket & you shouldn’t plan something that the deceased cannot afford to pay for! Cremation is inexpensive & remains can be scattered or kept in urn in someone’s home. Instead of trying to seek revenge on the sister who didn’t help pay for your fathers funeral, you should be focusing on how to give your mom a proper send off that doesn’t require anyone to take on debt, or sibling to have to pay $10k for the funeral. Start planning ahead. You can cut costs by planning ahead & finding an urn, casket, headstone, etc online instead of buying them from the funeral home at a big mark up. See if mom can afford to start setting aside money each month to pay for a burial trust or cremation.

If the cost of your dad's funeral and the payment arrangements were not agreed upon by all in advance, then whoever committed knowingly to that debt should pay it. I wholeheartedly agree that no one should go into debt for someone else's funeral. Also, I'm sure your dad would be so dismayed that his daughters are fighting over money. Learn from this error and help your mom create an irrevocable funeral trust so that there are dedicated funds for her final (and hopefully peaceful) sendoff.

I would not have approached how you did, but no, no need to give her a say, but if your dad died a few months ago, hasn't the funeral already occurred.

It got buried but I will post it again up here—

The people who should be involved in the planning are the ones who are paying for the funeral. If you and your sister will be paying for your moms services, then the two of you get to call the shots. What you say goes. It’s your money. If your other sister isn’t going to help pay, then don’t include her in the planning. If she wants to volunteer her time to help set up or prepare a slide show, please allow her to do that. But decision making? Expenses? No you don't have to allow her to have a say in any of that.

Pr sister that you and your older sister are paying for the funeral and are following your Fathers wishes. Shut and closed. Just repeat that every time she chimes in

no

Dap2020,
Just my 2 cents. If your financially unstable sister is making reasonable suggestions then maybe carefully consider them.
Not really sure what the status of your relationship was before Dad's passing, but you still have to live your life after the funeral is over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let money be a wedge to drive you and your sister apart.
You have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. Only you know what you can live with.
Sometimes doing the right thing is often the hardest thing!
Good luck and God bless!

I don't believe that adult kids should have to pay for their parent's funeral. If your sister doesn't have the money to help pay for dad's past funeral and probably won't have the money to help pay for mom's funeral (even making payments) then why is she made out to be left out or feel bad about not being able to pay?

I think it is very sad to use money as a power-play and to make someone feel like they are not part of the family because they don't have the money...so what...she doesn't get a say in ANYTHING!!! Money is a sad reason to break up a family over.

However, if your YS agreed to help pay for dad's funeral and won't pay then no she should have no say in planning mom's funeral.

Can she help in small ways that have nothing to do with money?

Just remember how you 3 sisters handle dad and mom's funeral will be the stepping stone for your relationships for the rest of your 3 lives! Be caution how you handle all of this....I speak from experience!

If your Mother can't fund it & is not the type to pre-plan the funeral details will fall to those who sit down with the funeral director & pay the bill.

I think this is more about the past than the future. It was understood that sister 3 couldn't pay at the time - the anger seems to be over her lack of intention to remedy that now. Is that right?

I get that. Is it about the actual money - or that she hasn't taken on any responsibility towards this? Some people are just clueless.

I always arranged & paid for the meal when my youngest sister came to our place. When we went to stay with them, we brought extra groceries (milk TP coffee) & my DH collected & paid for take away. Since the arrival of kids this started adding up. They were clueless - it hadn't even crossed their minds to pay any. When I brought the subject up, she said I thought you wanted to pay? Wow. She somehow seemed to think she got a free ride... I said half would be fairer.

I don't think in honesty your sis will want to pay up but have a chat. If she is willing to contribute (half if she can) to settle that old account - take it. She'll be paying more than she thinks she should - you'll be getting less but it's a compromise! And hopefully then you can move forward & let it go. Good luck.

Donate her body to science. It’s free. My mother doesn’t have any money either. She gambled it ALL away. But she doesn’t expect me to pay for anything either. She told me to donate her body to science. Or start a go fund page and have people donate to it. Why should the daughters have to pay for the mothers funeral? Who would pay for her funeral if she had no family, no daughters? No living family? Who would pay for her funeral in that case? Oh yeah, by they way, money is the root of all evil. It tears families apart.

There is also a pandemic going on. Some are forecasting a second Great Depression. At the very least there is a terrible recession going on and many more people are going to lose their jobs. This is not a time to go into debt for a funeral, of all things.

If you and older sister are independently wealthy, or have tons of savings, definitely pay for expensive funerals. It's certainly not right that your younger sister misled you both about her intentions if that was the case. But many people have lost their jobs, more people are being laid off all over the place right now, budgets and public employees' salaries are being cut and there may be a second wave of the virus (which we hope is not even worse, the way the Spanish Flu's was) in the fall and to be blunt, now is not the time to spending money on the dead that the living need right now. People like your sister (a past bankruptcy, right?) need to save all the money they can to survive this crisis the best they can. The next few years are going to be scary for the non-rich.

Can you re-negotiate with the funeral home over services not yet rendered? For example, can you scale back on the grave marker to save a few thousand? My Mom passed away a few years ago, and I bought her grave marker online a few months after her simple grave side service. It saved at least a few thousand dollars, and it’s a beautiful quality item; I just bought it in a new way/ Mom is proud of me for saving money- I am sure of that !!

Having gone through a funeral with my uncle. You have to ask yourself is it worth fighting over at a time like this. Sure the three sisters should have that conversation. And whether she pays or not involve her. One she will see how much it cost and feel like a family member. Cutting people out hurts and is it really fair to cut out because of her ability or willingness to pay right now. We got cut out because the other side feels they know whats best. Times like these hurt and leave lasting scars. We will probably never talk to the other side again and thats horrible to think but people become greedy and mean when people die. People should be holding each other and getting through it together. Grief is not fun and then you add family drama and things get even worse.

It depends on the Level in your hearts. Maybe suggest she pay a little ffor some catering tha tis usally done after the services, dinner or something. Even flowers. It is not a question of money when a loved one Dies, it is what is Part of the Heart......

What are your mother's wishes for a funeral? That's the only "say" that should be heard. Does she want a ceremony that costs your family a great deal of money, or only what's necessary to have her buried? Family drama around funeral arrangements seems such a petty waste of energy. And from an outsider with no skin in the game, I'd say "let it go" -- life is too short to worry about roses versus daisies.

Include her in discussions/decisions, as she, too, is a daughter. If she can’t contribute toward the expenses, then ignore any suggestions she makes towards increasing the expenses. She just might come up with suggestions on how to decrease the monetary cost. There are non-monetary things to be done with funeral planning that she could do.

Why would you want to be so petty and cause a rift that will last for a lifetime? Your sister will also have lost a parent. She should be included in the planning of a simple funeral with family and closest friends of your parents in attendance. This shouldn’t be an overwhelming expense.

This is a very sensitive subject that requires more than a text. It needs a 4 -way conversation between you all, including your mother. I’d suggest a family meeting to discuss the two issues - the current bill and the arrangements your Mum has in mind for her funeral. This should be about what each person sees as their contribution and negotiate ways to contribute, which may not be financial. An alternative to discuss is your mother addressIng these costs in her will, either cash or some other arrangement e.g. possessions.

This is not unusual in families. My suggestion is that your older sister and you think as if the money provided one last gift to your parents. Don’t hold a grudge or pressure your younger sister. During grief, feelings are jumbled and actions are not always logical. Ask once if she is going able to contribute and at what level? She may feel pressure to split equally. This pressure can crush your younger sister. Instead ask her to buy the bouquet of flowers? But ask in a way that she doesn’t feel defeated or ashamed that she can’t contribute to the last present to Mom.

Your sister lost her mother as well and is grieving. The degree of grief is somehow related to her ability to pay towards her mother’s funeral?

This is not the time to rehash bad feelings. You all can make a silent pact and get through the funeral. If she can’t pay and her suggestions would cost extra $ then her ideas are vetoed.

Life is too short. I say all of you join together to have your mom memorized properly and with love.

So sorry for your loss and the pain surrounding the memorial. Please talk to the people who are paying about scaling back to something more affordable. Funerals should not be a financial burden on families.

After this funeral is behind you - at least a year - talk with you mom about setting up her own "funeral arrangements." The only people who care about casket, viewings, etc. are the ones who are alive, not those who have passed on. You can discuss with your siblings how much each is willing and able to pay. Some places have plans so you can pay in advance.

Three sisters?! I am of that sort of group. What a NIGHTMARE! Why does it always have to be two against one, even in the most difficult of times. Stop ganging up! Just relax! Sis will do what she can and the vindictive behavior of the other two certainly will not help the situation. Just knock it off!

And about hosting ashes, mid hopefully you were kidding. MIL lost FIL's ashes for a time. Just stick me in a paper bag and scatter wherever.

The time to plan moms funeral is now. You can get a plan that fits within a limited budget and begin pre payment now.
Find that budget and stick with it. Do not buy more than mom can afford.
Often if you are not moving the body from one state to another you can elect not to embalm. But you can not have an open casket. That is a savings there.
1 Day wake and funeral is another savings. The more days the wake is the more the cost.
Once the funeral is planned if your sister would like to make changes she can pay for changes and she needs to pay for the changes at that time. (She wants an open casket..she pays for embalming, she wants 2 day wake..she pays for the extra time. She wants a church mass..she pays for that.....)
As far as chipping in to pay for dad's funeral...let it go. Most likely you have figured out that she will not pay for a part of it so why stress yourself any further?
As far as how to pay for mom's start now and take a bit of her income and pay it just like any other bill to whatever funeral home will give you the best price on a basic funeral. Just like a house, a car, a pair of shoes..Don't buy more than you can afford.

With regard to funerals and siblings......I learned from experience.  I had to plan Dad's funeral since my Mom was in rehab for a fall down the stairs.  I handled everything from the funeral home, the church services, the military service, getting his uniform in pristine condition, everything he would have wanted.  My two sisters had to put in their two sense about everything, though they had been estranged from my parents for months prior.  I ordered the flowers which we had discussed beforehand, and took care of the bill, since one lived out of town.  The two of them showed up at the funeral, which was three years ago, and I (and my Mom) have not seen or heard from them since.  And, I was stuck with their florist bill which they never paid afterward.  So, the moral of the story is: do what you feel is right for your parents, for you. And don't go out of your way to do anything for anyone unless they are actively involved and offering to help.  That way there is nothing to fight about and no grudges to hold.  They have to live with their choices for the balance of their lives, and you can hold your head up and know that you did right by your parents.
Lessons Learned.

Do you have a prepaid funeral arrangement with the home? (It sounds that way.) How about a simple memorial service, or even just a graveside service, after her death? (I did a graveside service with each of my parents.)

Your younger sister's lack of effort to pay anything is a symptom of her 'denial;" she just does not want to talk about or acknowledge the mortality of her own mother.

As others have said, "let it go." Younger sister is not going to help.