Should a sibling, who has not contributed any funds for our father's funeral, be allowed to have a say in mom's final arrangements?

I would seek out family counseling for you and your siblings to try and resolve the money issue. Your younger sister went through a great deal with a bankruptcy. A bankruptcy is hell I heard. It’s something nobody wants to do but they have to do it because they over spent. It’s not that she doesn’t want to pay, she can’t pay. Let it go.

So Mom is still alive and you three siblings are doing the planning? Does Mom have any say? Take Mom to the funeral home and get her opinion. Did younger sister agree to pay a share before arrangements were made and have a say in what was spent or did sister with $ make the decisions and then expect everyone to pay up?


When my father passed I went with Mom to the funeral home and she made the arrangements. After that she said just do for me what I did for Dad except don’t be dragging me to church. I didn’t go when I was alive so no need to take me when I’m dead. After MIL passed FIL went down and made his own arrangements so all we needed to pick out were flowers and write the Obit. When SIL passed two years ago hubby and youngest sister went together. SIL wanted no fuss and nothing formal she had chosen cremation. We had a memorial picnic at the family farm followed by a shootout in the corn field and fireworks. Everyone said it was a perfect way to remember her. Her ashes were spread on the farm privately.

Short answer: yes because she is a daughter. Does she get to dictate? No but certainly take her feelings into consideration with regard to her parent’s funeral.

When my father passed away in 1998 my mother asked him if he wanted his body donated to science. He said no, he wanted to be cremated. Well, my mother didn't spend alot on a fancy funeral or a fancy funeral director. She only paid $750.00 for a funeral director who wore jeans and a shirt. That was cheap, even back then in 1998. She had a simple service at our church with cake and coffee. No fuss, no muss. We had family and friends at the church. If you check around, you don't need to spend alot on a funeral. Especially a cremation. My Mother paid for the funeral.

xrayjodib, no that wasn’t the only takeaway from your post. I read what you wrote. FAMILY FIRST!!!! Pick family over money. Don’t throw away a lifetime of memories over money. Well said!!!! I agree!!

FloridaDD,
The money was seized because my brother put the funds in his own account.
Hopefully that wasn't the only takeaway from my post!

If mom is still alive and well, and this is trying issue for you, ask mom.

Dap2020 you also told us that your younger sister who never pays for anything, is storing her property for free for the last 15,months? Why would you let her store her stuff in your shed knowing she would never pay you. If you wanted money from her you should have drawn up a contract with her and if she didn’t pay, you could take her to court or judge Judy. Apparently she makes a habit of not paying you back. Next time just say no. You also told us your younger sister who can’t pay filed bankruptcy. She filed bankruptcy. That means she couldn’t pay her own bills. If she can’t pay her own bills then she can’t pay for your mom’s funeral either. Don’t disown your sister just because she filed bankruptcy. She can’t pay anybody back. Don’t take it personally. She can’t even pay her own bills. Your telling us this. I’m not making this up. I’m only reading what you told me. If you want to repair any of this with your siblings I would suggest counseling.

Ok so now we know you are a guy dap 2020. You said you are your mothers SON. That changed the whole dynamic. It’s not between 3 sisters, it’s between 2 sisters and a brother. You just said the 2 sisters aren’t fighting about it. Your sister plans on paying for everything. You are feeling guilty so you want to pay too. Your sister that is paying via not even worrying about the sister that is. Why with you being the brother worried about the sister that won’t pay. You don’t know her financial situation in this pandemic. My brother is very wealthy, he wouldn’t hold a grudge towards me if I couldn’t help pay for my mothers funeral. He’s not like that. Be good to both your sisters. It’s not all about the money!!! Dap 2020 you are probably closest to your mom because you are her only son.

Does your Mother get any sort of pension to put a small amount towards her own funeral plan?

Does she have a will? Has she named her personal belongings so there is not arguments over sentimental items?

No-one wants that 'she promised her engagement ring to me!' arguement. A cousin wears the ring my G'Ma promised to me... but who knows, maybe she promised it to her first? Needs to be written down. The entitled family stepping back from paying may well step forward to claim sentimental items.

A friend found her niece & nephew ransacking their G'ma's locked up house. They considered the belongings theirs depite the will clearly stating otherwise. An ugly attitude that became a criminal offence & was treated as such.

I have listened to enough Judge Judy to know that you don’t lend family money and then get expected to get paid back. It never happens., You said your younger sister is a lot richer since she doesn’t have to repay a loan to your older sister. Don’t ever loan money to a family member according to Judge Judy. You will never get paid back. Just let it go. Quit squabbling about money.

I don't know how much it would cost now, but about 12 years ago Mom and I both bought pre-paid cremation plans for under $1,000 each. When Mom died, they had to be called immediately, and sent someone to pick her up from the hospital and then took care of everything after that. I did have to have the original contract, because the salesperson at the time we purchased the plans "threw in" a few extras that weren't standard - we didn't have to pay for the cremains to be mailed - that would have been over $100! - and it included a really nice mahogany urn.. I had to show the rep the contract with those details written in. With this type of plan, though, there isn't any "viewing" or service, etc.

No

Dap2020, does your younger sister have a history of not contributing to group efforts while still reaping the benefits? Because while you said that there wasn’t a discussion about the siblings pitching in to pay for dads funeral, that arrangements were made between 2 siblings with the expectation that everyone would help pay the bill.....I’m wondering if you don’t have a sibling that is notoriously unable to help contribute financially? Even if they have the money to do so. Many of of us have one in our family. It’s my BIL (husbands brother). We took a 2500 mile road trip one summer to visit family. The plan was to take turns paying for gas. As soon as we hit the road, he asks if we can pay for the gas on the way there and they will pay for it on the way back because money was tight until payday at the end of the week. Ok no problem, we understood. But then his wife kept ordering the most expensive meal on the menu every time we stopped to eat. And they insisted on one check & put down enough cash to pay for their meals but not the tax and tip! (We put an end to that on the way home). When we got to our destination, every time the car needed gas, they decided to stay behind and forego our plans so WE had to pay for the gas even though it was their turn. Few years later, there is a discussion with my MIL about buying a $1k wooden swing set/playhouse from Costco for all the grandkids, to be kept in her backyard. Split four ways we each pay around $275. My BIL said he *might* be able to come up with $100. Whether or not he ever gave my MIL the $100, I don’t know. But I do know that he sat on the patio and watched my husband and SILs husband putting the swing set together for 4 hours and he wouldn’t help! Then when my FIL died and they decided to bury him in his home state over 2000 miles away, he and my SIL had their hearts set on a family RV road trip. But guess who said he couldn’t afford to split the cost of renting an RV & paying for the gas 3 ways? My BIL. My SIL arranged to borrow an RV from her in-laws but it needed new tires and my SIL suggested we pay for the new tires in exchange for being able to use the RV for a week. Guess who still couldn’t afford to pay his fair share for the gas and 2 tires? My BIL. It’s not that he couldn’t, it’s that he wouldn’t. We ended up flying because we weren’t gonna pay for his share of the RV and gas. My SIL took the RV and let him ride with her. He always has an excuse why he can’t be an equal contributor. One year we went with my parents & MIL and step-FIL to Disneyland. One night while we are there, my BIL who was in the area for work, meets up with us at an Italian restaurant where they serve family style meals. We decide each “family” will pick one entree and then split the bill. Guess who flat out said he wasn’t going to help pay when the bill came? I could go on but my point is......

My point is.....when you have a family member that never pays their fair share but gets to reap the benefits because everyone else paid, it gets OLD. so if your sister has a habit of this, I understand. And I stand by what I said—if she isn’t going to help pay, she should have no say when it comes to expenses. She should be allowed to help plan the service but when it comes to costs, I see no reason why you are obligated to let her have a say in it. If there will be a casket-you and other sister get to choose. If there is a reception following the service, those that are paying for it can choose the menu. If you want a bed of pink roses to cover the casket and non paying sister thinks mom would have wanted red then she can pay for red roses.

Imho, your father's funeral is not your financial responsibility, but his own.

PLEASE do not cut your sister out of the grieving process or out if your life over money.
Just inform her of the decision based on the money you and your other sibling can afford.
Perhaps she can help write the obituary or plan a simple repast at the church or house.

As stated here several times, cremation is an affordable option and often not as emotional.

You don't want nieces, cousins, etc. to stop speaking over this.

I have a firm belief.....everyone must contribute in some way, more or less depending on their individual abilities and circumstances, but they must be on the same side. If not, and this is not a good idea but perhaps often the only outcome, if nothing gets accomplished by ALL, then you may have to sever all ties and never look back. Not nice but often necessary and fair. When people are alive, THIS IS WHEN THESE DECISIONS MUST BE MADE - NOT WHEN TROUBLE COMES.

I, too, see cremation as both an economical and earth-friendly choice when funeral decisions have to be made. You can inter those with your other parent, or even scatter them! A fancy funeral/expensive casket doesn't really mean anything. My father left a life insurance policy that was cashed for his funeral arrangements, but I don't think the same will happen for my mother. If not, we'll do something nice with her ashes. It is the life you live---including forgiving people their failings---and not what happens to your remains that really matters.

Dap2020,
I know you've received a lot of advice. I just wanted to share one more reason to consider the situation carefully.
When my father passed 2 years ago, fortunately he had most everything paid for.
My youngest brother was executor of his trust.
After the sale of my father's house the proceeds were to be split between my two brothers and myself. Unfortunately, my brother didn't share the fact that his business was in financial trouble and he owed back taxes. Needless to say what he didn't use for his business was seized by the government.
It would have been easy to cut ties with him at the time! I was furious!! But I didn't.
Fast forward to last October when my Uncle passed. My youngest brother did everything he could to help me deal with what I can only describe as a nightmare. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him!!
For me, I couldn't throw a childhood full of fond memories because of money.
Even though I was hurt and angry, I'm so glad that I put family over finances!
Food for thought!!
God bless!!

Is your mom close to the sibling that can’t afford to pay? Is she being left out of the will? You say in your profile that you live one county away and you go to help out when you can. Does the other sibling that can’t pay help or see your mother? Are they close? Do they talk to each other? I’m talking about your mom and the sibling that can’t pay. Does that sibling plan on going to the funeral in the future or is she estranged from your mother? Don’t let money come inbetween you and your sisters. It’s not worth it. Make peace with the other sister. Not every sibling in a family is rich. Don’t hold it against her because she doesn’t make as much money as you.

The VA doesn’t pay for cremations. They do have a burial allowance for eligible veterans but you have to pay for everything out of pocket and submit the receipts to the VA and they will reimburse some of the expenses. https://www.benefits.va.gov/compensation/claims-special-burial.asp

I have the form here for donate your body to science. The one donating their body has to sign. I’m waiting for the right moment to give it to her. She never wants to talk about dying. My father never talked about it either.

was your dad in the military? If so they will pay the cost of cremation and other costs. My mom just passed and I know how expensive it is. Another option for no cost funeral arrangement is to donate his entire body to research (actually probably too late for that but consider it for your mom. All subs must be on board and sign.
if you think leaving your sister out of the loop will somehow make you feel better or punish her in some way, I suggest you rethink it. It sounds like there is already a rift so I’m not sure how leaving her out will help. Try communication. Talk to her about your feelings. A family conference call or ZOOM or FaceTime or whatever. Try not to alienate. Communication. Please.
love and light
Sabrina

Most funerals cost 10,000. It’s outrageous and it shouldn’t be up to the adult children to pay 10,000 especially in this pandemic. It’s up to mother to save. If mother didn’t save, go the cheapest way. My mother said don’t spend a dime on her. She said donate her body to science. If for some reason we are unable to donate her body to science, my brother and I will have her cremated and the money will come out of her savings which isn’t much, or the sale of her house. Not out of my pocket or my brothers pocket. I think judge Judy would say save for your own funeral!! Don’t make your adult children pay for your funeral if you didn’t save any money for one. A direct answer to your question is make the funeral as SIMPLE as possible and don’t beat up your sister if she can’t pay. It reminds me of when I got married many years ago when I was only 22 years old and had no money. My parents paid for my wedding. My mother wanted to do everything HER way because she told me that SHE and my FATHER were paying for my wedding. I said to my father don’t i have any say in it? He said of course you do!! It’s YOUR wedding. He told my mother to compromise with me and not hold the money over my head!!! Sometimes you just have to do the right thing to make peace in the family.

Did your younger sister agree to pay for dads expensive funeral with you and older sister?

I am sorry but I don't agree with going in to debt for a big funeral, it doesn't make any sense to do that. It makes even less sense to ruin a relationship over it.

I would intern mom with dad in the cheapest possible way. It doesn't benefit anyone to have debt for burial.

I am sorry for your loss and that you are facing another one so soon. Please don't make it 3 people gone from your life because of a desire to have another big funeral that no one can afford.

You children are your parents legacy, do you really want that destroyed over money?

One friend's dad was cremated, had the services at his church, then they followed up in the hall area for reception.

Another was same, but reception was at a very nice park.

Or maybe, have mom cremated and put her ashes in the ground with your dad.

I have one aunt who has already paid her funeral expenses, and she is still here with us. Neptune Society... She did this 20 years ago or so.

I know traditionally, burials, plots, and funeral homes are what the old normal used to be.. My dad who died of cancer wanted to be cremated. I didn't want to talk about it, but I had to. This is what he wanted. This is how my whole family to going now. My aunts, brother, mother, uncles, and I will be going this way. $600, for cremation, a few death certificates a bit more, find a nice chapel or church for the ceremony $200.00 and if you want music, maybe a bit more... If your parents want to be side by side in a cemetery, then that's what you have to do. Out of kindness, you could ask your sister for her opinion, and let her feel a bit human and part of the family issues. Tell her that you understand she has financial hardships, so anything she wants to change, and costs more, that you would likely think about it, and that your family is a bit strapped for cash now, especially during this pandemic, but perhaps you can compromise and do something a bit different.

Snice you already know that you and your sister will be responsible for your mother's funeral, I would suggest keeping the cost as low as possible. In my opinion since you are already in debt for your dad's final arrangements, I would suggest going simple but tasteful. It doesn't seem that your youngest sister is planning to contribute anything towards the cost of your dad's arrangements, I something she will help with your mom's so I wouldn't involve her 8n any decision making capacity.