Senior's lady friend hates the entire family. Break up imminent. Depression setting in. How can I encourage new activities and people?

My opinion...OP says

"I can go on and on but the senior really seems depressed especially after he talks to her. And he does very little talking, he literally sits there tolerating her lectures. Even he tires of her sometimes but he wants the relationship to work."

Maybe the depression is because he wants to break it off. How can anyone have fun with someone who isn't a happy person. This woman has some mental problems. My Uncle had a "strong" wife, she passed. His GF was nothing like her. This Senior needs a person he can enjoy to be with.

Ah. This revelation certainly makes a difference. I now have the picture of an elephant sitting on a mouse, and we know who’s who. Seems now like Ladyfriend (LF) certainly has emotional and possibly mental issues. She is misrepresenting herself to doctors to get private information and that’s against the law. Sounds like she’s also using Senior Gentleman’s home as a storage locker. I’m not sure, but if some of her stuff “accidentally” got misplaced or tossed out, well, oops! Might change her mind about toting her stuff over to his place.

I understand now where you’re coming from. LF needs to go. You’re right. The elephant needs to go back to her circus. Thanks for “the rest of the story”.

A rambling vent alert.

For anonymity sake I have to be careful but issues with the senior's friend started showing almost immediately including some lies or misunderstood stories to say the least. No microscope needed. Shortly after they met she is asking him to store stuff in his house. What started as a temporary small pile has increased & spread around his house for the better part of two decades so right off the bat you have wonder if he was being used but his choice and did live with it for a while until he had to cut her off from bringing or sending stuff(everyone thought they'd move in together but apparently was never a plan). But that damage was done and an issue for him ,family and/or contractors because they are the ones that have clean & maintain the house working around/moving her stuff(dare not mention you cleaned the garage-'You didn't touch my stuff did you?'-Yes followed by angry panicked looks(90% boxed and still a major job) And that's only the tip of the iceberg. She came off as snobby, arrogant from day one. She's gotten into arguments with her family in front of others with them having to tell her not to lecture them. People walk away from meeting her from the first time like what the heck. Many simply give her a pass because of her age and medical issues. She is extremely nosey and tried posing as the senior's wife to one of his doctors to get & give information. She complained I could only tell the doctor things. She still constantly ask about his doctors including phone numbers. We ask why does she need all that information-he says she's looking for new doctors-for over a decade?

The biggest issue over the last 5 years or so she only wants to do stuff when she wants to do stuff and trys to control him by saying he is healthy or not healthy enough to do things(remember it's always someone elses' fault). She's responsible for most of the no's or cancellations yet complains to others he doesn't want to do anything and over the last couple of years actually calling him cheap. He spends money but he's not going to take you for a $50 steak and $20 bottle of whine every week either.

I am more worried for the senior because not only does he want a companion he's the one who did most the work(literally physical work) and is going to wind up with nothing.

Oh, I totally agree with you, Jeanne. At this point, I wish people (my family) would realize I’m losing my grip. A simple, unprompted “How are you doing today?” would mean the world to me.

As I read the original post, I imagined this Senior Gent who may have been lonely and bored, finally finding someone to share some good times with. I got the impression that the OP, et. al. Has this guy and his lady friend under a microscope. The ladyfriend couldn’t open her mouth without being judged and pretty soon everything that came out of her mouth and her behavior was being criticized and analyzed. I still say, the Senior Gent doesn’t seem fragile. He seems quite able and fit. I’m certain he’s had challenging relationships previously. It must be annoying to him to just want the companionship of the opposite sex and to know that the people in his world so highly disapprove of her. It must be embarrassing (and depressing) to him as well.

I know the OP has his best interests at heart. They don’t want to see him get hurt and depression, especially in the elderly, can be very serious. I’d would absolutely LOVE to hear from this gent and get his take on it, wouldn’t you?

Some of what you're saying about her behavior sounds like cognitive decline. The paranoia, repeating stories from the past, the inability to grasp new ideas with technology (although many people in her age group have that issue as well). In any event, she sounds like a sad but annoying person to be around. Like Sunset Boulevard of the gentrified set (for those of us oldies who like black & white movies).

Does your senior friend have any guy friends who could get him to the senior center? Men are at a premium at those places (I worked for a year at a non-profit housed in a senior center). For example, they had a speed dating event at our center and there were about 60 women and maybe 6 men who attended. So the guys would have had their pick of eligible women.

Was this senior involved before in a relationship where the woman was the center of attention? I find that people choose the same kind of partner again and again, whether it's healthy for them or not. So if she goes, he may find someone else similar to her.

Ahmijoy, good points. I hadn't thought of it from the man's viewpoint at all. Thanks for those insights.

biztap, what is your relationship to the man? Are you his caregiver?

Thank you for understanding that my post was not meant to insult or judge. Honestly, my uncle and aunt were married for over 60 years and my aunt was absolutely the boss of that relationship. For his sake, we tolerated my aunt’s know-it-all attitude. She really was a kind person, and push come to shove, she would have gone to the mat for my uncle. Even if you don’t share your opinions of this lady with your senior gentleman, I’m certain there is no doubt how you all feel. He may feel it’s just easier to let his relationship fade away. In any case, my best to him, however this ends.

GardenArtist-'too much self focus'-absolutely What gets me if you are talking and she can't hear at an event or hears background talk while on the phone she automatically assumes it's about her and demands, repeat demands to know who said what.

Ahmijoy , you're right we shouldn't and don't force our opinion of her although he expresses disappointment that we don't have the same enthusiasm. He says he gets it but still he over tolerates her which enables her behavior. When on the phone it's obviously a one sided conversation with most of his time talking saying uh-huh, ok, yes, no and let me speak! I kid you not.

He did show grip of reality by saying unsolicited he doesn't think they'll be seeing much of each other anymore. There are secondary issues that could make that messy but if she is out of the picture here I will give a big YES! with a fist pump.

Thank You all for an ear or eyeballs actually along with your input.

I’m going to ask for your indulgence right now. I am going to play Devil’s Advocate here for a minute. To me, in my mid 60’s, 75 years old doesn’t seem that old. Certainly not so old that one cannot choose whom to keep company with and pay the consequences if it doesn’t work out. Perhaps this gentleman who is said to be fit and aware of himself and his surroundings, just wishes to be left alone to make his own mistakes (or not). I have the funny feeling he is well-aware of his ladyfriend’s behavior and misbehavior. Perhaps his wish is that everyone get his relationship out from under their microscopes and leave him alone. Perhaps he’s quiet when in public with her because he’s afraid if he opened his mouth, he’d tell everyone to go to Hades. Maybe he seems depressed because he knows how everyone feels about her and now he feels like a silly, old fool for just wanting some companionship. He chose to enter into a relationship with her and I’m sure he wasn’t planning on having to have her run the many gauntlets of disapproval. Maybe he feels he doesn’t need anyone to guard-dog him, because surely, at the age of 75, he’s not a newbie to tricky relationships.

We get quite a few posters here who say their loved ones are in relationships with shady characters who try to rob them blind, abuse them and even refuse the family access to them. It sounds like this lady is a real character who, if she makes this gent happy, should just be tolerated for his sake. I doubt seriously if there is any chance she can be changed to conform to others ideas of how she should act. We’ve all known people who flaunt their educations, places in Society, and finances in our faces. All that’s usually required from us is a pained smile, an annoyed clearing of the throat and the changing of the subject. Leave him alone to make his own mistakes. If the lady friend disappears from his picture, let her fade from your picture too. Don’t show your relief to him. I’m sure, since he doesn’t seem feeble in body or mind, he will soldier on without being reminded of what a trial she was to everyone she encountered.

"It's been all about her lately." And there you have it. It's not unusual for this to happen to seniors, or even caregivers, but when there's an expectation of social standing factored in, it segues into something else, too much self focus is perhaps a kind way of putting it.

Funny you mention Downton Abbey because they used to meet up to watch it. Also over the last several years she has gotten very retrospective telling the same stories from past. It's like she legacy building or something. It's been all about her lately.

Not one was never thrilled with her but tolerated/accepted her at all family functions, every one. Never had to squeeze her in at the dinning table because she was always accounted for and expected to come. Her siblings aren't like her. They have certain views or opinions but that's where it stops, it doesn't carry over, they aren't 'triggered' or go into diatribes etc.

The senior is over 75 and I guess feels too old to move on or be social although capable. I think he's beginning to see the light because it was he who talked about her attitude and opinions.

Ah, the socialite who wants ordinary common people to cede to her social standing and pamper her. Thanks for the expo.

I personally have some bias against these type of people; I don't know many and prefer to keep it that way. My family are working class folks; I'm not sympathetic to the wealthy folks.

I wonder if she's been watching too much Downton Abbey and expects people to treat her as landed gentry?

Wish I had some suggestions, but I find people like that intolerable. I do think you're considerate though to be concerned about the man involved. I wonder....do you think he realizes what a social climber she is, and do you think he's become tired of her and her need for the attention she might have had years ago? Maybe he's even ready to move on?

I think this woman is trying to recreate the aura she had when she moved in wealthy circles, and is affronted, and her personal self image is compromised.

You are right about her social circles and does come from some money/an expensive zip code which she vehemently denies(family owned boat, a small single engine plane among other things). But she hasn't been part of them for decades(or century). Apparently she took a non business path after college. She hasn't been 'active' but apparently does keep in contact with various people.

The tech issues well she was one of the first to get a home computer in the 1990s(not cheap then) and always bragged or talked about all the 'work' they did on a the computer-oh I have to go do work on the computer. We eventually found out when helping her with various tech issues a sibling and neighbors at the time coached & walked her through ALOT, I mean alot. She was a tech poser. The internet(which she really doesn't get yet) is one of her biggest forms of communication, it's not something she dabbles in. She refuses to do things like log off fearing losing one of her 10,000 emails she doesn't need will be deleted. She's the one who talks about all the emails, videos and stuff she does on the computer. We constantly get calls from strange numbers many of which are her borrowing/using someone else's phone yet she boasts about how independent she is. Problem is she's been given so much extra courtesy and help over the years because of her medical issues now her age she can't handle not getting that extra special treatment and patience where non is required.

I assume you're not a family member, but rather a caregiver, or concerned friend?

I think getting him involved with others, gradually and then more consistently, will help him find substitute companions.

Sometimes it's easier for people to just be quiet and put up with a demanding person than refocus and find new friends. Help him along on this project. Accompany him, introduce him, if it's appropriate. If he widens his circle of friends, including women, he might become less dependent on her and less tolerant of her rants.

BTW, from the way you've described her social outlook, I get the impression she's in an active social circle, perhaps on a "high society" level. If this is correct, it might explain some of her snobbishness.

To get a formal invitation these days is probably not likely to happen; people do so much through tech devices.

I would also reconsider criticizing her for her lack of technical expertise. Maybe she's threatened by the new knowledge. At any rate, there's no national mandate that everyone use tech devices.

The break up seems imminent because they haven't seen each other in 2 months, just phone calls(actually one phone call a day if that) and they used to talk 3-4 times a day in addition to seeing each other 3-4 days a week. Her medical issues have always been accounted for and then some. She always needed and got help but now she wants to be considered independent(which she is not).

Without a clear cut goal it's very tough to get him out. He's even been told do stuff through out the day if possible and he won't even accompany you to the supermarket many days. He's capable, so much so I'm trying to convince to take some senior fitness classes because even therapists from various medical issues & events say he is quite capable for his age. I think if I can get him to a senior center for any reason that might start the ball rolling.

Thanks

What makes you think they are going to break up? Has she been dropping hints? She sounds like a real charmer, and also like she has medical issues. It is kind of your family to make allowances for that.

Does he like to play cards? Most senior centers have both scheduled and impromptu card games every day. Could you or some family member go with him a time or two?

Can you locate a senior bowling league?