Rehab wants to send him home!! I'm not ready for him to be back here. Help?

Have you always owned those insurance policies? If dad changed the ownership on those in the past five years then Medicaid would likely consider them a gift. If that is the case Medicaid will likely have you redeem them for their cash value to be used for Dad's care. I am assuming they are whole life policies.

Thinking of you. I know you are exhausted with stress and worry about this situation.

I hope eerything is better for you soon.

Very challenging situation. Sounds like you have a big case of burnout, not surprisingly. It's a good idea that you put your foot down and said no more. When you've had it, how can you be a good caregiver? It's hard enough when you want to do it.

Good luck. I hope you are both happier after the dust settles.

Stillgoing, you need to win this battle now. It will be tough but this man CANNOT come home. Right now that is all that matters. Do not let them bring him home. The financial/insurance stuff will be dealt with as it comes.

I went through this with my mom. Hospital was discharging her after a bad fall to my dad with dementia. I was out of state, rushed home , 12 hour drive and began a furious battle with the hospital.

One thing that that helped me was a very tough lady, director of the assisted living I wanted to use. She talked to me on the phone, got me down off the ceiling, told me not to worry about the threat of huge hospital bills and told me to absolutely not accept my mom in the door.

It was the toughest few days of my life but I held tight and things got resolved.

You can do this!

Deep breaths and one thing at a time.

Stillgoing, about the insurance policies?  Who is the owner of those policies?  Also, as everyone is advising, say NO to the issue of his returning to your home. You are not able to meet his needs and it would be an UNSAFE DISCHARGE.  To those last 2 words, they should pay attention because of legal consequences to them.

I am replying to your reply to me.😊 Didn't want it lost in the shuffle.

The SW didn't mention Medicaid! Once you told her Dads income, that should have been the next thing she said. He should be under the cap required. Get her to start the application now so he can be Medicaid Pending.

If the insurance policy has a cash in value, Medicaid may ask it to be cashed in. The money can be used to prepay his funeral.

Follow the advice of those in the know here. Tell them now, you won't accept him back in your home, that his mental and physical needs are too great for you in your household and that they must find an appropriate facility for him. I know several years ago when my mother with Alzheimers, had pneumonia, was well underweight and bedsores etc, after living for a year in a small private home care facility in another state, the hospital only kept her for 5 days and wanted me to come and get her to take her home. My sister was POA and on vacation and I flew out to deal with things. I was SHOCKED that they were willing to let her out the door in her condition. I didn't know what to do and couldn't believe that they would even release her in the condition she was in. They then started calling skilled nursing facilities and I went to look at them. When they took her by ambulance to one at night, they took one look at her and told the ambulance to take her back to the hospital. I was outraged....at her treatment. She went back to the hospital that night and then I had to find her another place. Finally found one. Terrible experience. I was there 9 days at the new place and can't tell you how bad I felt -- I wished I had the POA ..I wanted to fly her out of there.

Countrymouse is so right! I am so glad that you still have time to STOP the plan to send him home "until they set it all up." Don't agree to it! They have the time to set it up -- they have 24 hours.

Don't sign anything for him for financial responsibility for the ALF, unless it's as his POA (are you his POA?). Don't accept their excuses and promises that it's only temporary placement in your home. Stand firm -- he is NOT coming back to your home.

Please keep us updated.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO- !!!

That is EXACTLY what some of the excellent experienced people who've posted have been warning about - do not fall for the "come home first, just temporary" ploy.

He can't be discharged to your home. No. Keep saying no. No no no.

And who appointed this home health agency? When did they get to stick their fingers in the pie?

Liaise with the rehab discharge SW and ONLY with her, and your Dad is going to the ALF and NOT TO YOUR HOUSE.

Update: yesterday,the SW from the rehab said Dad will go to a local ALF when he's discharged tomorrow morning.

But this morning, I get a call from a home health agency telling me they're going to schedule pt & nurses to visit my dad either home or in ALF. She told me to call ALF because that will move things faster. I did. They're sending a nurse to evaluate Dad as to what amount of care he'll need.
She said it'll be at least 1,800/ month obviously more, Or its self pay. OR they can see if he qualifies for Medicaid.

But, he may need to come home 1st until they set it all up. I spoke to my husband & if Dad comes home, we will have basic rules written up for him to follow.
Wash face, comb hair, put on clean clothes etc daily before going to the senior center.
He's able to do these things. He just needs to stop being lazy as he's been his entire life.

I really don't want home health care coming multiple times/ week. BTDT years already. Its disruptive to me & my family.


Im shot! It's all I do to get myself up now with my fibromyalgia & exhaustion.

So, still going; call back the discharge folks and talk to them about his NEEDS as opposed to his income/assets.

Get what he needs sorted first. Yes, Medicare should cover a short term diagnostic stay in a behavioral health/psychiatric unit, especially if you keep harping on the fact that he is talking about suicide.

For Long Term Care, you will need to apply for Medicaid for him.

Have you had the final care meeting with the rehab? Either in person or over the phone? At that meeting you need to tell them that he is not able to take care of himself and that he cannot come home because there is no one to take care of him. This is what happened when rehab said it was time for it FIL to be discharged because he was declining rather than progressing and medi-cal was not going to pay any longer. My BIL told them that he couldn’t come home and he either stayed in rehab or went back to the hospital. Rehab sent him back to the hospital saying he had “pneumonia”, we know that was an excuse to send him on his way because he had had fluid on his lungs for 4 months already and had a chest tube! The hospital said there was no pnemonia, just a little UTI. From there the hospital social worker started working on his discharge plan. We made it clear to them that there was no one available to give him the 24 hour care he required and everyone agreed he would need to go to a nursing home. It took about 2 weeks but the social worker found him a nursing home. The downside to that is, if you don’t get involved, you won’t have a say in where he goes. If he’s on Medicaid, then they will send him to the first place with a Medicaid bed available. That is a problem for some people because they want to tour the facilities and approve the final one. But at the end of the day, rehab will not wheel him out to the curb and tell you to take him home. They will either find a reason to send him back to the hospital and let the hospital figure out what to do with him or they will figure it out themselves. Just be very clear that coming home is not an option anymore. Good luck!

Call the Social Worker and tell her you can no longer care for Dad. Could he be evaluated for LTC. If he has money, use it for his care, if not, start the application for Medicaid. Hopefully, the LTC is attached to the rehab. Easy transition.

The rehab isn't discharging Dad, Medicare is. He probably has hit a plateu and Medicare wants him released.

NO, you absolutely do NOT have to take him back! But, you MUST tell the facility that so they can work on other options for him. They give you a weeks notice so that whatever needs to happen can start taking place. His health insurance will not pay for him to continue staying there.

Please keep us updated.

You will regret taking him back home. So don't do it. YOU count, too!

You have a full house with your 2 sons, one with medical issues himself. Second son finishing his degree.

Sounds like dad is competent to make his own decisions. How did he come to live with you five years ago? Was it a medical emergency and the only option that he was willing to consider?

It is clear that you have had enough, I don't blame you. If dad is competent you may need to find a way to convince him that the current living arrangement is not working for your family. If you can't convince him it will require a legal route. Have you consulted an elder law attorney?

For now ask dad's doc to order discharge to a psych facility to deal with the suicidal ideation. This will, at least, buy you some time.

Remember we all have the legal right to make our own bad decisions, no matter how bad. But, we do not have to watch another continue to make them.

How old is your Dad? I was very angry with my Dad when one of his teeth fell out at 87. His dentist told me that lots of people his age have no teeth— that he did nothing wrong, but instead, probably did a lot right to keep them that long.

I think your dad’s desire to die might not be metal illness. Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to kill oneself. He has had a lot of diseases. His spouse is gone. I think mentally healthy seniors (honestly) share this feeling. A lot of contributors to this forum feel this way also. Given his age and condition, quality of life and lifestyle, this may not be irrational thought.

Be truthful with your dad like you’re being with us. Tell him the living arrangement is not working for you anymore. Offer to take him to consider some housing choices. Maybe he can settle near some of his friends.

When you lied and said you had the flu, that was a big red flag. You don’t have to do this anymore. You need to be happy. You only have one life and this isn’t working for you.

If he is of sound mind, he has every right to use his money (return access to him) and it is also not illegal for him to drink (hopefully he wasn’t driving drunk). Even if it isn't medically advisable, he is a adult. If he’s competent, let him make his own mistakes like you would with any other adult not living under your roof. If he lives at your house, of course, you can have house rules.

You don't state, as far as I can see, that your father has any significant mental impairment? I'm not talking about the alcohol, possible depression, that kind of psychological disease; I mean dementia that would affect his legal status, his right to make decisions for himself.

The reason this is important is that if he is legally competent to do so, the person who will consent to his discharge from the rehab facility is him. The facility will ask him where he is going, and if he says "home" meaning to your house, where he's been living for five years, it will be assumed that that is where he is going.

So everyone is right: you need to get in there fast and intervene.

I don't know whether anyone has suggested to him that he himself might prefer living in a facility? Is it an option that has ever been explored?

RIGHT NOW, before plans to discharge him go any further, you need to call a Care Conference with the facility’s social services department, the director of nursing, the therapists who have worked with him and even the administration if they are available. There has to be nothing but complete and total honesty during this meeting. Take a deep breath, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and speak frankly with the people at the meeting. You cannot continue to take care of this mentally ill man. Other arrangements must be made. You will not be bringing him home. You have made this decision because your own mental health is at risk. Do not let the staff present convince you that they will not abandon you and send out follow up home care. This only lasts for a few weeks to a month and then you will be back in the same situation. Be strong, be firm and be resolute in your decision that you can no longer care for him.

Talk to the discharge planner.
He should not be returned home in his condition.
Someone suicidal cannot be cared for at home. You are not running a psychiatric
facility, and until he is stabilized (after bourbon overdose + 20 meds) and feeling better, his placement should be appropriate for his condition.
Refuse to take him home.

SnoopyLove,
I like how you said that:
"Your home is no longer available".

No, I don't believe the rehab can make you take him back. Advise them that you can no longer take care of him in your home. Stand firm. Do not pick him up.

Hopefully, others with more experience will chime in but definitely you should advise the rehab that another placement for him needs to be found as your home no longer is available.