I've posted before about my dad. Here's a brief summary of the situation. We've been assisting him for over three years now. He lived with us for almost ten months while recovering from serious health problems. Now he lives "independently" in a senior residence with a great deal of help from my husband and me.
Last May, we finally managed to remove one of our responsibilities: Dad started doing his own laundry. This came about because I had surgery and we needed a break. Our plan had been for Dad to pay to have his laundry done at the senior residence, but he refused to spend the money and instead started washing everything himself. (At most, it's only one load per week).
Now he's trying to give back the task, and he's using a variety of tactics to make it happen. My feeling is that we have done everything else for him and if he won't pay to have the laundry done, he'll have to continue to do it himself. Is that an unreasonable approach? I told him again today that if doing the laundry is making him tired, he should make use of the laundry service instead, but he came up with more excuses about why that wouldn't be a good idea.
seems to conflict with
"I have had my mother tell me that I was "stingy" for not doing things she wanted me to do that I simply cannot afford."
These old people don't see the contradiction themselves, of course. I am within weeks of becoming my mother's taxi service. I was told last week that she expects me to take her shopping. While I had decided to shop for her from a list when I do our weekly shopping, I've softened my stance. She will get ONE shopping trip per week. And that should be no more than a few stores, and will be mainly grocery shopping. I will take her to weekly Mass, (the Mass *I* want to go to) and to her medical appointments. I've told her several times that I am not chasing all over to save a few cents (this is a "game" to her that she enjoys). She'd said no, of course not, but most recently has said that if I don't do it, it will mean less inheritance for me. Yeah, right, I'll be wasting MY time and gas to save $.25 on the dollar (I inherit equally with my three out-of-state brothers)? I don't think so!
My point is do what you can and feel comfortable with. If the inheritance is spread equally, that is her decision. You make YOUR decision. If it is too costly for to do all these things, start putting a price on them.
I had a friend who had very wealthy siblings. Since she was broke and had no job they sort of "elected" her as the caretaker. She negotiated a "salary" for this, this not interfering with the inheritance question. For me, my position is I would do my best, but I would rather the old folks spend their own money taking care of themselves (they are far away and I am in no position whatsoever to "drop everything") by hiring caretakers and the like.
It is complicated when one person is relegated to all the tasks and the money is left to the others. It is important to understand what you are doing and get the others involved too.
In the end, it is more important for me to have peace of mind than money. Just do what you are able to and draw from HER bank account to do the tasks if you can not afford them. Why do all the work and put yourself in economic and personal jeopardy so all your other siblings can benefit?
Good luck and don't stress out:)
I mentioned being paid for taxi service, and boy did that unleash the nastiness! She still thinks differently of me now months later, and that I am "trying to take advantage" of her. She thinks that giving me her car is in exchange for being her taxi service.
I am the only daughter and local, so the expectations are very different for me. She claims that babysitting my kids years ago (never fulltime!) and her giving me jewelry means I have to do things for her (never mind that she gave the brother who didn't bother to see his parents for FIVE YEARS her valuable diamond engagement ring!).
Don't worry -- I will set boundaries, nasty though she might be about it. And I have informed my brothers that if she becomes unreasonable that I am walking away.
Kidnumber2, Wow! Your mom's comment about costs "coming out of your inheritance" was really blatant. Does she honestly think that you're taking care of her for the sake of an inheritance? Especially an inheritance that will be shared equally with siblings who don't help?
CTTN55, Your plans for helping your mom are completely reasonable--very generous and kind. It sounds as though you will be driving her on various errands at least twice a week and even more often on weeks when she has doctor's appointments. Parents don't realize that our time has an intrinsic value, and they also don't seem to realize that it costs money to maintain a vehicle.
Rainmom, I'm sorry that I didn't respond sooner to your comment about a possible "Laundry Nazi." I don't want to ask Dad about that directly, but I will ask him who else uses the machines (it should be only three other people, at most) and if there are any problems with sharing them.
"what will people think" issue.
There's no right answer but it sounds like everyone needs a time out. I don't know all the history but how about just telling dad that for a two week or more period you will be on vacation and he will need to make arrangements for that time. Its not cruel, its called respite. If you have sibs let them know too. Worn out, angry and frustrated creates its own downward spiral.
When you're in a better place it may help you make some admittedly tough decisions about what you can do and what you want to do and how to talk to your dad about this. If he's 95 then you are probably not still in your 30s and your health matters too.
Best of luck and hugs to everyone in this chain dealing with the impossible.
If the cost is not much could it be take out of a fund that can be established and just absorbed into the monthly cost so he does not see nor actually physically pay for the service himself?
This way he will not feel like it is an "extra" cost.
I know I would want to "pinch my pennies" if I were in his shoes.
And if he is doing one load a week does that give him enough clean clothes?
If he is wearing regular underwear and not disposable for the week you have 7 underwear, 7 pair of socks, a few shirts and a pair of pants or two. He can wear the same pants a few days and maybe even the same shirt more than once. I know with all the laundry I do of my husbands I get to mine once every other week and it is mostly underwear and t-shirts. I wear the same pants a few times before I wash them. So if he is actually doing the laundry once a week that might be enough. If he is using a washing machine rather than trying to hand wash items. Hand washing will not get most items clean enough.
Next time you visit see how clean the laundry is. If it is clean and he has enough clothes I would not make this a "hot button" item.
When it gets to the point where he can not manage at all then it is time to step in and take over and make it more of an issue. And maybe at that point he would be better in Memory Care than Assisted Living.
Whatever u decide is good, do not feel guilty. You are a good and attentive daughter
Sometimes helping means teaching someone how to do something properly. When my husband told me he didn't know how to clean a toilet I found a YouTube video. There are videos made by physical therapists at medical centers for older people about the basics of doing laundry.
I checked out the laundry room this morning. It's barrier free, and there are two washers and two dryers (none of which is marked "out of order").
I think that I'll have a serious talk with Dad next week about the laundry situation. I'll offer to take him to World Market on Thursday, and when we get back I'll talk to him in his apartment. I plan to tell him that I know he doesn't like doing the laundry but that I want to try to reduce stress and don't want to resume the laundry chore. Then I can urge him again to use a paid service. If he refuses, I'll ask him if there is anything we can do to make the laundry process easier.
Tacy, You're right that we're lucky that Dad is still willing to change his clothes. I don't know what I'd do if he started wearing the same clothes for weeks or months at a time.
Grandma1954, Dad actually goes through very few clothes in the course of a week. It all easily fits into one load.
I'm still tired from yesterday's shopping trip with Dad, and I'm beginning to wonder how my husband and I are going to keep doing all that needs to be done for him. Guess I need to go over to the whine thread rather than keep venting about that here! (And I know that so many caregivers are doing much more than we are.)
If you can't do it, you can't do it.
As I said, I can barely get my OWN laundry done. How much could it possibly cost? Does he have housekeeping there too? Who changes the bed linens? There must be some services that he is using there. Maybe he doesn't want strangers touching his clothes or he is afraid of someone taking advantage of him.
My Grandma lived to age 95 in her own apartment. Had a "wheeled" basket to take laundry back and forth to laundry room. However, she was a woman and accustomed to doing this chore her entire life.
She also cleaned her own apartment. Eventually she relented and got someone to help with the cleaning. She discovered one or two things missing. It is sad to think that a person would steal some little knickknack from an older person, thinking no one will notice. Make your presence known there. Make sure the helpers are reliable. Honestly, you will wear yourself out trying to keep up your own household and his too. Any siblings to help?
Don't stress yourself out over it.
I reiterate my suggestion.
Buy him more underwear, socks, shirts, pants.
When you go for your outing, put the stuff in your car and drop it of at a laundry near your home.
When you go back to dad's, bring it back and bring him the bill.
There is no reasoning with some people when they become that old. They can truly be like children. He is your father and it is courteous to have a polite discussion with him. But he must also realize that you have your own household to take care of and this is all you can do.
He must just be awfully lonely and maybe afraid. Is there a social worker at this facility who can check in on him, see how he is doing?
Where my mom lives they have a "buddy system" where the people check in on one another.
Also, 2 washers and dryers, one of them broken, maybe he can't even get to use them!
Take the stuff with you - maybe there is a service right near where he lives.
You have GOT to take the bull by the horns. Also, give them instructions about washing and drying. A lot of my clothes shrink in the dryer, so I have to take them out and hang them up.
Is there a person on the premises who can just do this for him? It really cannot cost that much money.
It is so hard when they get old. 95 is pretty old to be alone, even if he is in an assisted living facility. I am sure the laundry issue has something to do with this as well.
Good luck:)
I know that Dad has lost a great deal as a result of getting old. I want him to have the best life possible under his current circumstances, but I also want to have some of my own health and strength, and my husband's health and strength, left at the end of this journey. I don't mean to whine (I'm on the wrong thread for that!), but the family is quite dysfunctional. In spite of that, my husband and I have stepped up for Dad, and we have no plans to quit caring for him. I just want a little help with one chore (the laundry), either through a paid service (preferable) or through Dad's own efforts (if he continues to refuse paid help).
Kidnumber2, Thanks so much for your response. I talked to Dad last Thursday about the paid laundry service. He was quite negative about it but said he'd think about it. I also offered to shop for any clothing extras he needed, but he said he didn't have room to store them (not true). I plan to talk to him about the laundry situation again this week. The senior residence provides housekeeping services. They clean Dad's apartment once a week, and they change the sheets. He doesn't seem at all perturbed by having their help. Two washers and two dryers are available for the residents of independent living who do their own laundry and don't have their own laundry machines (four apartments total). I think that there was a problem with one of the washers, and I'm not sure whether or not it was repaired. I've received conflicting information as to whether or not Dad, in independent living, can use the same paid laundry service as the residents in assisted living. If he can, it will cost him $15 a load (that does seem quite expensive, but he can easily afford it). I feel bad for Dad that he has had to move to a senior residence rather than living more independently, and I know that it has been a big change. I talk to Dad almost daily, and we are at his apartment at least once a week. He also has frequent telephone conversations with my siblings and with an old friend. He goes out with us for recreational shopping. For what it's worth, he is still so with-it mentally that he produced an updated edition of his memoirs this year (and guess who helped him with that!).
My Dad is now 95 and walks with a rolling walker but he is also a fall risk, has sundowning memory issues, but once Dad was in his IL apartment I never had him back over to home for meals, I wanted him to adapt at the facility. Dad has options to take the facility bus on certain days to go to Walmart, the Dollar Store, the local grocery store, etc. but he never took those free options.
The only time Dad get out of the facility is for a doctor appointment, then his caregiver will stop at Burger King, which Dad enjoys doing.
Dad's facility also has a paid laundry service, I think it was $10 a load. To me that is worth it. But for my Dad I had a paid caregiver who was with him 7 to 1 Monday through Saturday. And she did the laundry. Dad's budget could afford it, as saving money for my inheritance at this point in my life would mean I could get myself in IL much quicker :P
I had planned to talk to Dad about the laundry on Thursday. Tuesday night, I suddenly became ill, and my husband and I spent the night in the ER. I'm feeling much better and should be completely okay in a week or so. Dad is aware that I've been ill.
Today (Friday) we stopped by his apartment to drop off some items. Dad asked politely about my health, and then told us that Thursday (his laundry day) had been absolutely horrible but that he had somehow managed to get "everything" done despite having had only three hours of sleep.
I didn't respond to the laundry lament specifically at the time, but this afternoon I called Dad and told him to let us know if he wanted to go to the doctor to discuss the sleeplessness. I also told him plainly that us doing the laundry that wasn't an option and that his choices were paid assistance or doing the laundry himself. I told him that we would help set up paid laundry service and that I thought that he shouldn't do his own laundry because it was too much for him. He has agreed to ask the manager of the senior residence about their paid service (not necessarily to use the service, just to ask about it). That's definitely a step in the right direction.
On Tuesday, Dad, my husband, and I met with the manager of the senior residence. The service that we want is available through the affiliated home health care, and Dad's insurance would pay for most, if not all, of it. The nurse was going to contact Dad's PCP and ask her to order that service.
When I spoke to Dad yesterday, he had made an entirely different arrangement with the nurse--she will stop in every few days and check his lungs, etc. She won't weigh him. Not at all what I wanted, but it won't cost him anything, which apparently is paramount.
How aggravating! I asked Dad to at least discuss the original plan with the nurse. Yesterday, he said he would. Today he told me that he had forgotten. I doubt that he will ever try to implement the plan.