I have an 89 year old mother. My step father passed two years ago this October. She has had a hard time dealing with issues. I have been there for both of them on call anytime since I retired from the Army in 1995. She has previously complained that people are stealing her blind. She has me get rid of a lot of my step fathers outside items (he kept everything). She is constantly when she can’t find something asking me what I did with it. I was initially driving 86 miles round trip to help her find what she was looking for. In some instances when we find it she would say I brought it back or moved it which was not the case.
Recently she accused me of stealing her mop bucket filling it with tools and bringing it to my house while my sister took her to the doctor. That next day she found her mop bucket and called me and said thanks for bringing my mop bucket back last night. Of course I never took her mop bucket. She is constantly losing her keys. The last incident was about a can of beans her grandson recently sent to her. She called and said what did you do with the can of beans? I told her I didn’t take her beans she said yes you did your tracks are all around here. She was angry in both instances at me. She has accused me of ransacking her house and taking things. My youngest sister has talked her into going to the Doctor next Wednesday for her nerves. I do understand it is her cognitive abilities she is losing and it really isn’t directed at me. However with COVID I have tried to limit my contact and haven’t been to her house since Jun 26. Phone contact was everyday. After talking with some siblings, the youngest sister’s husband said she gave us those beans for a birthday party she attended. The youngest daughter told her that when she convinced her to go to the doctor. She called me and apologized but then attacked me over the mop bucket ransacking her home and says she has it on video which is untrue. My question with all of this going on and with three sisters in her immediate area, should I avoid any contact with her until after she gets medical treatment?
That is my major concern.
First - just to reinforce what you have stated you already know, this behavior is typical for patients suffering from dementia. There is no point in trying to argue that it is untrue as they will simply not believe it, because of their illness. Do NOT try to "prove them wrong". They eventually may say they agree with you and even apologize, but only because they feel they have no choice. In their hearts they still don't believe you and question in their own mind why you would lie. This just leads to agitation. Just acknowledge that you will help try to find it or that it is there now and find a way to change the subject.
Second - be aware there really is no real treatment for dementia that "heals". There are medications that can help slow the progress. Engagement with others or some activity will also help slow the progress. But this will continue to be an ongoing situation. There is no "waiting until she is better".
You mention relatives that are closer. Under normal circumstances I would suggest a family discussion about sharing care for her. However with covid, the family should also consider who is the least at risk. Family members who have younger family members at home (from age 9 and up) need to be particularly careful about transmitting covid to her (even if they don't show any symptoms) ALL family members should wear a mask when in her presence, even indoors.
Hopefully this helps some. Don't forget to take good care of yourself as well.
When I joined the forum, reading comments saying test for UTI seemed odd to me. Mom never really showed signs of sun-downing (she lived alone, so we might have missed it), but she did develop OCD behavior just before bed. We had camera set up to monitor the door and just inside the kitchen, where she would often sit at the table. The OCD started one night, only a few rounds and not every night, where she would check the door lock, sidelights, dishwasher (had to wait until OB was visiting to figure out what she checked as camera couldn't see that far) and LR. Eventually this became a nightly marathon, 1-1.5 HOURS! Anyway, she wasn't happy about being moved to MC (we tried bringing aides, minimal 1 hr, but that only lasted about 1.5 months), but was well behaved and not a big problem. Suddenly one Friday night they wanted me to come up as she was ranting about needing to go home, guests coming, set off every door alarm and they couldn't calm her! Like I could do anything? By the time I got there, they had gotten her into her room with a magazine, so I didn't go in to stir things up. Sadly there was nothing we could do until Monday morning (she had appt already), so the staff had to put up with this every evening all weekend! Once she was on anti-anxiety and after UTI treatment, all was fine again. Subsequent UTIs have presented as night time bed wetting. So yes, do get it checked! Any time there are abrupt changes, have a check done. It is a simple quick test and it's best to rule that out and treat.
She should have a thorough check up in addition to the UTI check and possible cognitive test. There are other treatable conditions which can mimic dementia. If it does end up being early dementia, be aware that staying away isn't going to change anything for her (it'll prevent in-your-face accusations, but the rest will remain!) It's better for all to learn everything you can, so you know what to expect, how to deal with it and even what to chalk up to dementia.
There's a good chance she's in the early stages. Our mother was about that age when some of it started, but it was minimal and involved others, so the really early signs were likely missed. In retrospect I realize the accusations she made about others, which were only a few I heard about, were likely those signs I missed. One was saying OB took her tweezers during a visit. Really mom? Tweezers? I bought her another and after we moved her to MC, I found at least 3 in the Master Bathroom and about 6 more in a dresser drawer! The only time it impacted me was when we took the car key. YB did ALL the talking and took the key. I just stood in the background. On the way out, I asked him to disable it as I was sure there was another key. So, who gets the call next day? Me - I was at a memorial service, so I let it go to voicemail. Nasty angry accusing me of taking her key! When I called back, I calmly said I didn't touch her key, which was the TRUTH! Oh, who did then? She was so nasty I said "You're so smart, you figure it out!" and hung up. Next day, even nastier call demanding I get down there NOW and fix whatever I did to the car. So, sneaky Pete DID have another key and found it! I said again, I didn't touch it. Also the truth, although it was my idea to disable it!
Too often it's the one they interface the most with that gets the brunt of any nasties. Best you can do is not argue with her. Misplacing and hiding things is a common symptom, and they blame others. Suggest someone moved it, and assure her you'll help find it or buy another. Trying to explain or negate what she says will frustrate you and anger her. Go with it! You might even have to admit you "borrowed" it and will bring it back asap!
Checkup, learn, understand, prepare!
If the sister cannot prove her accusation she should apologize. If this is a repeated behavior then just inform her her abusive attitude is not welcomed nor tolerated.
My mom constantly blames me for things she does. I just prove her wrong and inform her that a mature loving parent would apologize, which she does.
In your case, stand your ground with grace. Inform your mom you refuse to accept her abusive behavior anymore and there will be no more visits until she changes her attitude. Cut all contact with her until she apologizes.
It works with my mom.
We can try, but one size doesn't fit all with dementia. Every person, although they might share some common symptoms and behavior, goes on their own special journey...
Try to get a sense of humor about the whole thing, it is really quite silly, the things she accuses you of. That’s the only way I got through dealing with my relative.
Most of us here completely sympathize with you.
The reality is that even with "treatment ", your Mom is never gonna be as she was before the obvious Dementia. You have to decide if you can deal with her delusions. There are lots of resources to help you deal with Dementia. Start doing lots of studying before you make a decision.
Hang in there!
God bless!
You can't argue with the broken mind. She thinks she saw 'your tracks' all over the place. Just go with it or defer the conversation - I'll get so and so to come by and look for the beans or whatever is misplaced.
At about the 6 minute mark, your situation is addressed. Good luck!
I'ma caregiver for demented ppl.. theft is HUGE in their frontal brain causing family
& caregivers to be forever denying degrading thoughts they have. I sorry you're going they this..
I could go on n on, but most importantly she *wont be getting better* there's no cure.
Ppersonally, I would see her as much as possible b4 maybe she doesnt remember you?
However, for self preservation you may need to cut back a bit on calls or the length of those calls.
Keep reminding yourself it is the disease not your Mom.
Make sure your siblings are aware of everything she has accused you of so that that information can be relayed to the doctor. He is going to need to know examples of what is happening.
Good luck to you at this difficult time.
IF she lets me dust, and that's infrequent, it's been well over a year since I did that for her--I have her WATCH me dust and replace every single thing.
She didn't call ME with the complaints of theft--she called all the other sibs who just sighed and told her that I wasn't stealing her junk.
My MIL is the same. She follows her maid all over the house and doesn't trust her an inch. This woman is not aware she's doing that, so no harm, no foul. But if DH goes up to fix something, she will immediately go out to her garage and hide her house key. Forgetting he has one of his own.
We just sigh and roll our eyes. There;s no point in arguing or defending yourself. Their memory banks are empty as soon as they are 'filled'.
One important thing to know, they believe what they are saying, so arguing is pointless. Her brain is broken and misfiring, she doesn't know that she doesn't know or that her reality is wrong.
It sounds like you have been allocated as the safest one to accuse of all the things that no longer make sense to her. I have to say that you are probably the safest choice even though it hurts you it keeps her safer then if it was a different individual that could think that they have the name why not the game.
My dad went through this and I would just tell him that maybe I inadvertently picked it up last time I was there, I will look. Then it was forgotten, but I get the blame for everything even when I have not been around. Okay! I am good with being the bad guy, at least I know where I stand. Find peace with being the one. I think that it really is because you are safe for her, my dad knows that I will not get mad or ugly with the accusations, I know the truth whether he does or not.
Encourage your family to get educated on dementia and you will all have an easier time dealing with the situation. One thing that is difficult at the beginning, they can go for days without a hiccup and they seem perfectly fine, then they come off the wall with something that just floors you. This is normal and it makes you question your own mind.
Just keep loving her and living in the moment with her, it will help you get through and give her a stable person in all the chaos that her mind will create for her.
Hugs to your entire family. The beginning is so difficult.
Meanwhile, you can't ever talk her out of a truth she believes. Maybe visiting weekly in person, and virtually during the week with zoom could reduce the chance that she'll suspect you of stealing.
For what it's worth, in my experience these kind of delusions often show up in one stage of the disease and as the patient progresses they will diminish or disappear. But a new crop of symptoms comes up.
BEST of luck to you.
my youngest sister told her what happened to the beans the afternoon she called me. My sister told her she was losing it with her nerves.
No, I wouldn't stop contacting her. The most common emotion for someone who has lost a spouse is loneliness. Not staying in touch would only worsen her loneliness.
The other option is to wait until she has an emergency, goes to the hospital and then rehab. She likely won't be released to independent living from rehab, and that's when placement is her only option and bullheadedness no longer matters.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
house goes.
I would see her when your schedule permits. Wear a mask, wash your hands, etc. To me, life is not without risk and maybe some of us are going too far with not seeing people. Be careful but think twice about if you want to totally stay away.
UTI check was a good suggestion from another poster.
I also agree that she probably should not be living alone. This paranoia (for lack of thinking of a better term about stealing) is a sign that there is something really wrong with her ability to process things properly. She is probably not really safe home alone anymore. Most of us NEVER want to live in a nursing home. BUT is also not necessarily safe and appropriate for that to happen for all of us.
I would get her evaluated re dementia and competency. They might say it is unsafe for her to be living alone and then you might need to look into getting her into a nursing home or probably a memory care unit at some point.
Good luck.
Do you or any of your siblings have durable PoA for her? If not, I strongly recommend this happen asap before she has a cognitive exam. If she does not assign a PoA then in order to legally manager her care and make decisions and take actions on her behalf someone will need to pursue guardianship through the courts. This can cost thousands and is distressing and time-consuming. If family chooses to not pursue guardianship, then eventually she will be a trainwreck and you'll be forced to call APS to report her as a vulnerable adult and the county will pursue guardianship. After that, the county guardian has all the control, decides what facility she goes to, what medical care she does and doesn't receive and locks you out of all her accounts, and controls all her assets.
Please provide more information so that the forum can help you make the best decisions possible at this important time. I can't stress enough how much transparency and cooperation between siblings will help make this challenging time less so. ALso, educating yourselves about dementia will help you know how to interact with her in less stress-inducing ways. See YouTube for Teepa Snow videos. Read some books on it. I wish you all the best and peace in your hearts about making significant changes in your mom's best interests.