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I have an 89 year old mother. My step father passed two years ago this October. She has had a hard time dealing with issues. I have been there for both of them on call anytime since I retired from the Army in 1995. She has previously complained that people are stealing her blind. She has me get rid of a lot of my step fathers outside items (he kept everything). She is constantly when she can’t find something asking me what I did with it. I was initially driving 86 miles round trip to help her find what she was looking for. In some instances when we find it she would say I brought it back or moved it which was not the case.


Recently she accused me of stealing her mop bucket filling it with tools and bringing it to my house while my sister took her to the doctor. That next day she found her mop bucket and called me and said thanks for bringing my mop bucket back last night. Of course I never took her mop bucket. She is constantly losing her keys. The last incident was about a can of beans her grandson recently sent to her. She called and said what did you do with the can of beans? I told her I didn’t take her beans she said yes you did your tracks are all around here. She was angry in both instances at me. She has accused me of ransacking her house and taking things. My youngest sister has talked her into going to the Doctor next Wednesday for her nerves. I do understand it is her cognitive abilities she is losing and it really isn’t directed at me. However with COVID I have tried to limit my contact and haven’t been to her house since Jun 26. Phone contact was everyday. After talking with some siblings, the youngest sister’s husband said she gave us those beans for a birthday party she attended. The youngest daughter told her that when she convinced her to go to the doctor. She called me and apologized but then attacked me over the mop bucket ransacking her home and says she has it on video which is untrue. My question with all of this going on and with three sisters in her immediate area, should I avoid any contact with her until after she gets medical treatment?


That is my major concern.

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It is extremely common for dementia patients to imagine people are stealing/hiding things/ransacking etc. When she sees the doctor Wednesday your sister should mention this behaviour. There may be a medication that can help.
Meanwhile, you can't ever talk her out of a truth she believes. Maybe visiting weekly in person, and virtually during the week with zoom could reduce the chance that she'll suspect you of stealing.
For what it's worth, in my experience these kind of delusions often show up in one stage of the disease and as the patient progresses they will diminish or disappear. But a new crop of symptoms comes up.
BEST of luck to you.
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CShick, unfortunately dementia is insidious. My heart breaks for every new poster that is faced with having to deal with a loved one with this awful disease.

One important thing to know, they believe what they are saying, so arguing is pointless. Her brain is broken and misfiring, she doesn't know that she doesn't know or that her reality is wrong.

It sounds like you have been allocated as the safest one to accuse of all the things that no longer make sense to her. I have to say that you are probably the safest choice even though it hurts you it keeps her safer then if it was a different individual that could think that they have the name why not the game.

My dad went through this and I would just tell him that maybe I inadvertently picked it up last time I was there, I will look. Then it was forgotten, but I get the blame for everything even when I have not been around. Okay! I am good with being the bad guy, at least I know where I stand. Find peace with being the one. I think that it really is because you are safe for her, my dad knows that I will not get mad or ugly with the accusations, I know the truth whether he does or not.

Encourage your family to get educated on dementia and you will all have an easier time dealing with the situation. One thing that is difficult at the beginning, they can go for days without a hiccup and they seem perfectly fine, then they come off the wall with something that just floors you. This is normal and it makes you question your own mind.

Just keep loving her and living in the moment with her, it will help you get through and give her a stable person in all the chaos that her mind will create for her.

Hugs to your entire family. The beginning is so difficult.
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Dealing with ridiculous accusations and nonsense is one of the hardest parts of dealing with a demented family member.  It's hard not to get defensive and because they are a family member and the relationship has been life long, it's hard to step back and get perspective and not take it personally.  My husbands aunt accused me of taking her panty hose and wearing them.  My mom said kids were shooting lasers into her bedroom at night and keeping her up.  My mom says that when she leaves her assisted living apartment to go to the dining room for lunch, people are going into her apartment, ransacking it, partying and stealing her things.  It's nonsense and I have learned to make off the wall comments and redirect the conversation...for example I will say, "yeah this world is crazy right now....(chuckle chuckle) what did you have for lunch?  Let's see if there is anything good on tv."  I did not get to this place overnight.  It took me years of crying when I left her apartment and many sleepless nights.  Once I realized that my mom is no longer the same person and sick, I dealt with the loss of her and then was able to step back and not have everything she said to me cut like a knife.  You will get there too, it just takes time.
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AllieB4 Aug 2020
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have been transitioning to life with a mom with dementia. I have been feeling guilty for not handling the situation well. My anger is more at my brother who has left me to deal with mom. He has been an empty nester for 15 years and has not worked in 25. While I (being 11 years younger) have only 1 out of 4 kids semi launched all of which have health issues I have been grappling with for 12 years. Yes, her comments cut like a knife, that I have a terrible personality, am going to hell, don’t care about her after all the babysitting and dog sitting she has done for me because I brought her to the hospital for severe impaction, putting her in assisted living (because we went the several home caregivers over a year who left due her her verbal abuse). We cannot have a conversation because it’s all complaints. When I try to show her a positive side to things, then I am accused of always being against her. She is now programmed to believe anything that comes out of my mouth is just that. I figured that out when I agreed with something she said and she blew up at me. I had to leave the room and she yelled after me that if I walk out she will tell everyone what a horrible person I am. I just kept walking. This is your own mother telling you how awful you are, dementia or not, it cuts like a knife.
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Her seeing the doctor and possibly getting a diagnosis of some form of dementia will not change if you see her or not.
As with any person you visit you take precautions. Wear a mask and you try to avoid direct contact (I say try because it is difficult when dealing with family) if you do anticipate direct contact hand sanitizer before and after. And there are ways to hug so you are not more exposed to droplets.

The bigger question is...Is your Mom living alone? If so she probably should not be. She will need supervision 24/7/365. This is not a diagnosis that can be treated..it will not get better, she will not get better. She will decline. You should discuss with the rest of the family what the options are and what plans are doable.
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CSHick Jul 2020
Yes she is living alone. She is bull headed about that.
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CSHick, I would have a family meeting to discuss next steps in helping your mom with your other siblings. Some major decisions need to be made, and soon. When your sister takes her to the doc appt for "her nerves" please have her checked for a UTI, which in the elderly often have no other symptoms than behavioral or cognitive changes. Left untreated it can turn into sepsis. Antibiotics can clear it up BUT in your mom's case she needs someone to administer the meds to her and then remove them until the next dosage -- your mom probably won't remember to take them or won't take the proper dosage.

Do you or any of your siblings have durable PoA for her? If not, I strongly recommend this happen asap before she has a cognitive exam. If she does not assign a PoA then in order to legally manager her care and make decisions and take actions on her behalf someone will need to pursue guardianship through the courts. This can cost thousands and is distressing and time-consuming. If family chooses to not pursue guardianship, then eventually she will be a trainwreck and you'll be forced to call APS to report her as a vulnerable adult and the county will pursue guardianship. After that, the county guardian has all the control, decides what facility she goes to, what medical care she does and doesn't receive and locks you out of all her accounts, and controls all her assets.

Please provide more information so that the forum can help you make the best decisions possible at this important time. I can't stress enough how much transparency and cooperation between siblings will help make this challenging time less so. ALso, educating yourselves about dementia will help you know how to interact with her in less stress-inducing ways. See YouTube for Teepa Snow videos. Read some books on it. I wish you all the best and peace in your hearts about making significant changes in your mom's best interests.
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Staying away from your mother is not addressing the situation she's facing at all. She's obviously suffering from Dementia/Alzheimer's and should not be living alone. You need to call a family meeting and make a decision about the future of your mother's care; selling her home, getting her placed, or getting in home help for her which can be more expensive than placing her in a Memory Care residence. Full time, 24/7 care is actually less expensive in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing than it is in home. An elder with dementia and suffering from paranoia can get herself into all sorts of horrible situations when living alone! Burning the house down from leaving the stove on is just 1 possibility out of hundreds. Wandering away from her house & getting lost is another common problem people with dementia and memory issues wind up having. It's just a matter of time before something bad happens and your hand is forced, so you're better off dealing with the eventuality now rather than later.

The other option is to wait until she has an emergency, goes to the hospital and then rehab. She likely won't be released to independent living from rehab, and that's when placement is her only option and bullheadedness no longer matters.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
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CSHick Jul 2020
Yes I have spoken with siblings and we will meet after the a Wednesday Doctor appointment to determine how everyone wants to proceed. I have a quit claim my step father and mother executed years ago as far as the
house goes.
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Lots of info & advice here. I just wanted to add that the paranoia and anger may be a brief phase - or - it may last a very long time. If that’s the case, you’ll have to accept it as her new normal attitude and deal with it that way. I think she’ll probably be in a facility soon, so that will make it somewhat easier. Although she’s going to be rip roaring mad about that for awhile.

Try to get a sense of humor about the whole thing, it is really quite silly, the things she accuses you of. That’s the only way I got through dealing with my relative.
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This accusing loved ones of stealing seems to be very common. How difficult to deal with!

I would see her when your schedule permits. Wear a mask, wash your hands, etc. To me, life is not without risk and maybe some of us are going too far with not seeing people. Be careful but think twice about if you want to totally stay away.

UTI check was a good suggestion from another poster.

I also agree that she probably should not be living alone. This paranoia (for lack of thinking of a better term about stealing) is a sign that there is something really wrong with her ability to process things properly. She is probably not really safe home alone anymore. Most of us NEVER want to live in a nursing home. BUT is also not necessarily safe and appropriate for that to happen for all of us.

I would get her evaluated re dementia and competency. They might say it is unsafe for her to be living alone and then you might need to look into getting her into a nursing home or probably a memory care unit at some point.

Good luck.
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CSHick Jul 2020
Thank you she is angry with me right now so will at least wait to contact until after Dr appointment next Wednesday.
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No, I wouldn't say avoid contact with your mom. I'd say whenever she calls and starts going on about nonsense involving things like the missing mop bucket or can of beans, cut the call short. Don't go running over there unless there's an actual and real reason to. If she starts up about 'so and so took my whatever' or 'you threw out my whatever' then tell her that you didn't and offer to help her look for it. If it gets to be too much for her tell her you're leaving and why.
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It is best to have a family meeting and make a schedule for caring for her.

If the sister cannot prove her accusation she should apologize. If this is a repeated behavior then just inform her her abusive attitude is not welcomed nor tolerated.

My mom constantly blames me for things she does. I just prove her wrong and inform her that a mature loving parent would apologize, which she does.

In your case, stand your ground with grace. Inform your mom you refuse to accept her abusive behavior anymore and there will be no more visits until she changes her attitude. Cut all contact with her until she apologizes.

It works with my mom.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
Although that may work with your mother, in general this doesn't work. Even if the person accepts it and apologizes the first time, that whole discussion and result are forgotten, next day or even in the next minute, if dementia is at play. It may also depend on the level - very early stage, maybe. Sometimes the personality of the person will not allow acceptance and apology either (or personality changes due to dementia.)

We can try, but one size doesn't fit all with dementia. Every person, although they might share some common symptoms and behavior, goes on their own special journey...
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