I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Will my mother ever accept this?

Momsgoto, I don't suggest this, but on time I broke my upper arm when I fell and was out of commission for quite a few months.   Couldn't even drive.

The physical therapist said it was time for me to put away the sling...   I explained the situation with my parents and their constant need for me to help.  My parents understood the visual of the sling.  The therapist understood, and said go ahead and wear the sling whenever I was around my parents :)))

My gosh it worked, that sling stopped my parents from wanting me to drive them all over hill and dale, and for taking them to all those doctor appointments.   Thank goodness for Peapod on-line groceries and delivery.

I thought for sure that would have been a wake-up call for my parents that they need to hire help, to blow the dust off their wallet.   As soon as I was able to drive six months later, it was back to the some old, some old.

Oh my.....I do feel for you. This sounds exhausting. You're right. If in your home, it would be a disaster. She sounds like a very dysfunctional person. Sadly, her refusal to take care of her health may come back to bite her. I used to question my cousin regularly about why she wasn't taking her meds, seeing her doctor, getting her blood work monitored, etc. and she just blew me off. Eventually, Vascular Dementia hit and she had severe dementia within a matter of months! Then, their need is great and they have to have AL or MC. But, you can't force her. She's resistant and not interested in really helping her herself.

Why do you think that she is so intent on moving in with you? Does she enjoy making you miserable or does she not notice that's what she does? I would question her stability. She may be competent to make her own decisions, but, something sounds way off.

Do you really think that she is leaving you the hundreds of thousands of dollars? Are there other adult children to split it with? If the money was really needed, then, I'd probably try to placate her so I would get the inheritance. You would likely earn every penny being her caretaker. But, you know how things go. If she ends up needing nursing home care, that money may used to cover that care. It's a lot to consider. That money could provide you a nice retirement or college for the kids. A tall price to pay, but, it's all a matter of perspective.

Btw, My mother will not pay for an aspirin so I don't think she's going to spring for a geriatric case manager. She has hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I know my mom is depressed. I'm sure that she is anxious. I have offered to take her to the dr. I have prompted the discussion with her primary care. She just perks up with him and says I feel fine! Then he says there is nothing he can do. You can't force someone to take drugs!!! Everyone in my family has constantly tried to please her and make her happy. She is never satisfied. I have done everything I can do and so has everyone else. At this point, I know she is not mentally well. But what can I do? She refuses to see anyone. I have accepted the fact that something will happen to put her in the hospital and we will proceed from there. I have had this conversation with her. I told her she need to make some decisions and I would help her with them. I told her if she doesn't make them then someday the decision will be made for her and she will have no say. She just shrugs and says, oh well if no one wants me then. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

If you think setting boundaries is the answer, you have not met my mother! lol My mother is declining but still taking care of her home. I know it is hard but she refuses any option except the one she wants. Which is to live in my house. I look for the signs but her house is clean and all is in its place. she is very obsessive about this. If I bring her some dinner in a container, the next week she has it sitting out and constantly reminds me to take it with me. She doesn't want things "sitting around". I have noticed that she isn't taking care of herself. I have repeatedly asked her if she needs help and offered to take her to get her hair done. She wants me to come down and wash and fix her hair. I can't keep driving for two hours (an hour each way) to take care of all the things! If she lived closer I could do more. But when I say this she comes back with, "well can I live with you?" She will not accept my feelings on this and dismisses any feelings my husband may have. She expects me to just tell my husband, "Tough! my mother is moving in." She always says "You only have one mother." In my opinion, I only have one husband, and one family of my own, and one life!
If you only knew what it is like to keep her on the meds she is taking now. It is a constant argument. She doesn't want to spend the money for them. Refuses to get the medicare prescription plan, refuses to buy all she needs. I get them filled and then she won't pay for them. Then what she does have on hand she keeps asking me if she needs to take them. Thinks she really doesn't need them. So adding another drug would be insanity by definition. She makes simple tasks complicated on purpose and then says, "well, I'm old and you need to understand that."
I have been in therapy for two years. I set boundaries. I even hold them. But she always finds a way around things. She once had me come to her house because her basement flooded and she wouldn't provide a mop. I had to use towels to soak up the mess on my hands and knees!!!!! And when I asked her to buy one for the next time, she said why?? I don't want that sitting around. So you see what I'm dealing with. I told her I wouldn't be back if she had that happen again. And I haven't. But the next time will be something different and the story repeats itself. She had me hanging ceilings, landscaping, fixing molding, sealing cracks, painting, etc. No more! I have set that boundary. But she is always testing the fences. It's is utterly exhausting.
I see that at this point it is a battle of wills. She wants her way and she will do whatever it takes to get in my house. I cannot let this happen. She will literally destroy me. She's halfway there already.

Momsgoto, I remember my parents telling me that I am going to inherit a large sum once they pass.... I looked at them and said   "the way I feel, you both will outlive me",   as I was so physically and emotionally exhausted being a senior citizen myself.

I would have rather they use that money and move into something that was elder friendly, as their own house had too many stairs, and both were fall risks. Plus at 90+, Dad shouldn't be out on the ladder cleaning leaves from the gutters.   Mom, also 90+, refused caregivers and cleaning people.

My parents, as are a lot of elders, usually are in denial of their age and their ability to manage a house.   And these elders still view us as the "kid" thus in their mind we are still 35 years old, and what do we know :P

I did what Barb above had suggested, see a therapist.   The therapist did teach me that whatever decisions that my parents make, my parents have to take full responsibility that come with those decisions.   Thus, if my parents wanted to live in their own home, let them as long as they are clear minded, and what happens, happens.... it's not my fault.   Boy, it wasn't easy, I was still a nervous wreck.

Have you considered that mom might be depressed and anxious? Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?

You don't have to be your mom's caregiver if you don't want to. Saying "no" is hard, but it can be done. Have you considered working with a therapist to learn how to better set boundaries?

Most of the time, seniors don't change their minds about where and how they want to live. Is she mentally sound? Is she having repeated falls? Is she able to manage in her own home? If so, then, it's really up to her. It sounds like moving her in with you is just not feasible. If you don't feel it's a good fit, then don't do it. I'd do what I could from afar and wait and see what happens. A crisis may change everything and may put her in the hospital, then rehab and then she'll likely need a facility. I'd have it all planned out and not give in, if you know you don't want her to move in with you. 

Have you considered retaining a Geriatric Care manager? They check in on the senior on a regular basis and monitor their welfare, report back, etc. . (Once a week, more or less.) Would she allow that?