I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Will my mother ever accept this?

I really feel for you all dealing with difficult parents like this. Mine was nice, a little sarcastic/snippy at times. I couldn't handle her physically anymore and almost no funds to hire help so had to place her. IF siblings could have been more helpful with money or hands on, I'd have kept her at home. So now I have the guilt to deal with. And NO, facility placement is not great or cheap or easy, less work. You have to stay on them ALL the time to do what is included in the care plan that you are paying for by selling their little bit of assets. I know if they are in their home and you are not there you are a nervous wreck, so get the safety items done. locks on doors, downstairs bedroom, block off upstairs, emergency necklace, (she will wear eventually as she gets less able "physically", key box for sheriff/police/EMS to get in. Ours has a free daily checkup call, and free bracelet that has gps tracking with 100% success rate of finding lost folks. Hint, you can sew a tracker device in her favorite purse. At least do what you can for their safety. A friend died at age 61-stroke, and her mother she was caring for died the next month. Take care of yourself!

Momsgoto,

I learned about boundaries and consequences from my therapist. If your therapist has not mentioned consequences when the boundaries are broken, then ask them about consequences or find another one who will.

Thanks to all who offered kind words. I will use this support to bolster myself. I have been in therapy for three years now. It definitely helps but is not a cure-all. I have survived because of many on this forum. You are my angels. I try to return the love by commenting to others when I read their situations.
Cmagnum - Wow. I never thought of that. Everyone says to set boundaries but never suggested consequences. I guess I could distance myself more when she repeatedly tests me. I call everyday and sometimes two or three times a day. I think I will start to back off to every other day if she is negative or testy.
Linda22 - So as you have said before, all life is fragile. And that went to my heart. You are so, so right. The elderly do not have more rights to kindness merely because they are old. And they should not get a free pass to mistreat others either.

My mom recently told my sister that she hoped that when she's our mom's age, that she didn't end up in NH. My sister responded that she wasn't expecting to live that long (97) as she's already worn out in her 60's.

Momsgoto, my advice is to accept that your mom will never accept that you're not able to do all she wants you to. Some moms will expect and expect, take and take, without any concern about the adverse effects upon their children. So keep looking out for yourself.

So sad, Linda. We know too many care givers pass before the person they care give. Others develop depression and/or other health issues and also have related financial difficulties. Your mom's friend is still in her home and has lost her children. That is too high a price to pay.

One of my mom's friends, a lady in her early 90's, depended on her children to enable her to live at home. She balked at the cost of paying someone to take her to the doctor's, so her daughter took her. The lady would tell people her daughter was her "right hand", as she took her on errands, did the shopping, helped with housework etc. The daughter passed away a few years ago, from heart problems. One son passed last year. And the lady is still in her own home, now having to pay others to do what her kids had been doing for her. So terribly sad.

My one grandmother has never accepted the fact that she is almost 90 with kidney problems and mobility issues. She still hasn't accepted the fact that my parents are not spring chickens themselves (both in their 60's). She expects my parents and I do come over 3 times a week to clean her house, take care of her yard work and other maitenance work on her house. Then proceed to take her out to dinner. We go over there once a week to do light house work and take her grocery shopping but we do call her once a week as well. What she really wants is to have a live in maid and cook that she doesn't have to pay. Well, nobody in this world works for free and if she wants them, she pays for them. We don't do anymore than that because we know she will take advantage of us and that's not gonna happen. Draw that boundry of you are stopping by once a week for a set amount of hours and what you will and won't do. If she don't like it well, she's gonna have to suck it up.

What consequences do you have for when she breaks your boundaries? They are useless without consequences.

I can relate to your situation. My mother is always negative about everything and everyone. Nothing will please her. Nothing. She appears to be miserable but when I ask why, she seems surprised that I would think that. She lives as a hoarder - will not allow anyone to clean her house to the extent that it is now dangerous. I agree with other comments here - set boundaries and keep repeating them. Don't accept guilt, but do accept the fact that she will never change. It's been a long, painful road for me to learn that nothing I do or suggest will ever please my mother. My suggestions are perceived as me wanting to control her life. I just recently decided not to enter her house any more, after being stabbed in the knee by something protruding from a mound of stuff barricading a walkway between rooms. It was my final straw. My own fault for trying to navigate the obstacle course that is her house. I will take her to her doctor appointments but I will not go in her house. If I go in there, I will want to clean it up, she will scream at me to stop trying to control her, and I will leave upset again. So, no more.

I told my parents that they earned the money & to use it all to make their life easier - just have enough for the funeral... LOL

When you your mom does the guilt trip 'you don't care' say to her 'I don't care about your money, I care about you & your safety, I care about needing to take care of my own health issues at over 60 so that I can be there for you. Do you think I'd enjoy any of that money if I knew you deprived yourself of help & comfort to leave it to me ... SPEND IT NOW IT IS YOUR MONEY' - use those same words every time she says it & it might slowly sink in - good luck

elena - some people are negative and have been negative all their lives, not for the reasons that you mention which suggest the negativity can be fixed. The poster needs support not criticism. You haven't walked in her shoes,

momsgoto - keep your boundaries and detach. Your mum is making her bed and has to lie in it. Do not take her into your home ad don't let her make you feel guilty. She will never understand. You have to look after yourself.  How you doing?

Sweetelena,

Thanks, but you obviously have no idea what I am dealing with.

I think you will find it easier to care for your mother in your home. If she agrees to allow you to use her social security check each month to first pay her insurance, her deductibles, her co pays, her supplies and contribute to the household's increase in utility bills and food, I think caring for your mother can be a good experience for both of you. Why is she negative? Because she wishes to live family instead of strangers? Older adults feel lonely and unloved when they can no longer do things for themselves and they feel alone helpless and dependent. Admire them for not wanting to contribute to her care? Really?

Moms--
I feel your pain.
My mother, too pulls that "if you can't/won't help me, then just put me on a mountain and let me die". This is flat out manipulation and a terrible thing to say to ANYONE, much less a child (age 60!!) who has her own family, and health issues.
Setting boundaries, sometimes means walking away- and staying away for a long period of time (making sure that your mother is safe) is sometimes a great answer/solution.

After MANY days of trying to help her and MANY times of being abused by her verbally--I finally got the strength to say "no". And I walked away for 6 months. She didn't even notice.
Mother also has funds so she can go to any lovely ALF she wants. She doesn't "want" She wants us kids to dance attendance. That got old really, really fast. The promise of a huge inheritance was dangled in our faces (um, it's about $10,000 per kid---wow)...and kept that a dark secret for a while, then when my brother told us how much we'd be inheriting, we all laughed and said "THIS is why she refuses any "paid" care?" NONE of us needs the $10,000--but to her, this is a fortune.

Time to be tough and stand up for yourself. I'm lucky in that my mother doesn't know my phone number (same one, 39 years--she never bothered to learn it) so I don't get called.

Take some time for yourself. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). Self preserve as best you can. Good luck--this is tough.

You have to try something different. If you do nothing things will just stay the same. I like freqflyer's suggestion about the sling or some sort of variation of that. I started caregiving for my both of my parents about five years ago. My mom was similar to yours but she passed away a little over a year ago. She was bedridden and wanted me to care for her house the way she did. Back to doing something - when my dad found out that my blood pressure was unusually high (higher than his), and now I have a stomach condition which I don't know what it is ( I'm going to my GI doctor next week), he has become a lot gentler and nicer. Maybe it's the thought of losing me. I don't know.

"" I have offered to take her to the dr. I have prompted the discussion with her primary care. She just perks up with him and says I feel fine! Then he says there is nothing he can do. You can't force someone to take drugs!!! """

My mom pulled this. I used my cell phone to video her and her home which had become a hoarders paradise and dangerous to try to walk thru. Her Dr. saw how she talked, acted and lived away from her office. You might consider doing that.

Of course you are exhausted! Find alternative arrarngements. You cannot go on as it is!

Momsgoto, I am sorry you are in this position. Your Mom is never going to accept that you are not 35 and full of vigor and vitality. You see, that way, she is younger and healthier, too.! My Dad died last month, 91 and ready to go to his Maker! But, Mom was not even believing Dad could be that bad, so as to die of old age. She did mention for awhile that she ought to be able to come live with one of us 'kids'. But I think that was the lonely part of her begging for company. She will not be happy till she rejoins Dad, I think. She is in a facility a nice homey atmosphere. and I think she will adjust in time. But it will take a lot of time. That does not mean she will ever be happy again! I doubt that anything you do for you Mom will ever make her happy. Keep that in mind. God bless You!!

On the point of tactical retreats - when you feel your resolve fading, that is - Robert Heinlein commented: "It is better to be a live dog than a dead lion. But it is better still to be a live lion, and usually easier."

Your mother may well be taken aback if you show her a new, firmer, cooler-headed you. She will probably react against it, and progressively up the ante. So, you have to check your boundaries always against your own judgement, and not according to how she responds. This is about you being the adult and the only person able to judge correctly what balance is right for you.

You can't expect her to like it, but you're not doing it for her approval (as if!), and that's okay because her approval is never going to happen anyway, no matter what you do, so what have you lost? You're doing this because it's fair, and reasonable, and sustainable. You are the well-adjusted adult in this relationship. It isn't your fault that your mother's perspective is always going to be different.

I am so very grateful for each of your replies. Every one of them helps me in different ways. It is such a blessing to get different perspectives with love and support. I will return to them often, as I know my resolve will fade as the struggles return again and again. Linda22 - yes, life is fragile for all. three of my co-workers have recently lost their spouses unexpectedly. 47, 53, and 66. And several are battling disease at very young ages. So it is, we must treat each day as a gift and try our best to love others and ourselves. I am sad that I don't have the relationship I want with my mom. Sad that she places money at a higher value than people and her own happiness. And just for the record, its not that I don't need money. Believe me, I have bills and loans and expenses that keep me working. But seeing how my mother idolizes money to her own detriment and to the detriment of her relationships has sickened me. I'd rather be getting along paycheck to paycheck than destroy the love I have in my life.

Momsgoto, I'd advise you to not spend time trying to get your mom to accept it - she may never accept that you can't do everything she wishes. Another member of this forum (Jessie, I think ) summed it up beautifully - some parents want to be in the child role, as in having absolutely everything taken care of for them. But they also want to be the authority figure calling the shots on when, how etc. So freedom of choice with absence of responsibility.
My sister is engaged in a similar struggle with our mom (in NH). Simply, our mom's physical needs exceed my sister's decreasing ability to personally take care of those needs. Factor in our mom's excessive and unreasonable demands (physical and emotional) and living together once again is not possible. I really suggest that you draw boundaries now, stick with them (yes, over and over and over). We opted to find a great AL for our mom and use her funds (our future inheritance) so that we could heal and focus on our own families. Good thing too - a year later, my husband became ill and I was enormously grateful to be able to focus on him, knowing my mom was also cared for. And don't let anyone give you the "you only have your parents for a little longer ...you should do X". Many of us have nearly lost spouses and children .... life is fragile for all. Hugs. You can do this.

Moms, there is a thread on this site called "Is it normal that she's so negative?". It's by and about a woman of your age whose mother thought that her daughter should do everything for her and who should just "take" the verbal abuse she dished out. Gradually, through therapy and encouragement recieved here, she learnded to say "no, I can't do that"; "no, that doesn't fit into my plans", and "I couldn't possibly do THAT".

Your mother is treating you as her personal slave. Perhaps she has some cognitive decline and doesn't realize how old you are, or perhaps she's always been narcissistic and expected others to do her bidding. Whatever it is, only you can stop the cycle of enabling by saying "no". Be prepared for your mother to guilt you from here to kingdom come and to bad mouth you to all who will listen. Just smile, nod and grit your teeth.

I remember back when my Dad asked me to resign from my career so I could spend more time driving him and my Mom all over the countryside, go shopping or to take them to doctor appointments.   I looked at Dad and said "Dad, did you resigned from your career to take care of your parents, or to take care of my Mom's parents?"..... I knew his answer would be "no", and he never asked me again.

Then I had to remind my Dad that his parents had about 12 relatives [sons, their wives, and a gaggle of grandchildren who had driver licenses] who lived in the same County who were able to share with the driving, chores, etc.   My Mom's parents also had about 10 relatives who were available.   Hello, there is just "me" to do what those 10-12 were doing.

I was tired, and also very resentful.   My parents could afford to hire people to help them... people 30 to 40 years younger then me.

I told my mother outright that I could not do certain things because my health would not permit it. She finally accepted that. Sometimes you have to stop doing what you are doing and let her experience the consequences of not getting help somewhere else. For example, "Mom, i can only come once every two week as my back injury requires that I rest. Also I will not be able to take out the trash, lift groceries, or mop the floors anymore. If you like I will help you find someone who can, at your cost.

"Detaching with love doesn't mean that you stop loving the other person. It means that you make a decision to back up and stop putting all of your time and energy focusing on someone else. It means not allowing the drama of someone else's addiction to destroy your life."

"Givers have to set limits...because takers rarely do."

momsgoto - there are lots of references to detaching on this site if you click on the 4 lines, upper left and type "detach"or "detaching" in the search box.

Here are some pointers regarding detaching:

Accept that others are responsible for their own choices.
Anger – deal with it in a healthy way.
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame.
Consequences – face them and see that others experience consequences of their choices too.
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do and communicate it firmly..
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviors, though the feelings should follow the behaviors. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviors towards to others –kindness, compassion.
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviors of others.
Focus on yourself.
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself.
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received.
Refuse to be manipulated e.g., emotional blackmail, guilt
Respond, don’t react - be proactive.
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviors/feelings.
Set boundaries.
Say “No”.
Space –create it between you and them.
Try not to take their behaviors personally.
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity.
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviors –do not take responsibility for the others feelings/behaviors/choices.

Realize it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
...
#1 Look after yourself. You need time and energy and space to deal with them

#2 Detach emotionally - counselling and books e.g, a book and workbook about Walking on Eggshells" is good and other resources for those with narcissistic parents like various websites -.google narcissistic mothers

#3 Set up the boundaries according to what you think is right, and what you want to or can do and let her know clearly - maybe putting it in writing would be helpful - you do NOT have to do it all for her. Look after her needs, if you choose to, but not necessarily.

Momsgoto, I think one of the differences between us at 60 and our mothers is that we are getting to 60 pretty worn out. We've been juggling fulltime jobs, raising a family and running a home, and the stress of modern life. Add that helping elderly parents. We don't have the energy to run two houses. CM has some excellent thoughts on this - just start finding a Plan B for things . Explain to your mom (as often as needed) that it's not possible for you to do these things personally, but you can assist her in finding people to get it done.

sunny, placating her mom means her mom living with her.  Doesn't sound like anything short of that will make her mom happy (0r less unhappy, as it were).  I don't imagine needing or not needing the money comes into play when she's looking at her health, her marriage (this will create havoc in her home).

Well, you are fortunate to not need a couple of hundred thousand dollars and it sounds like your mom is so penny tight, that she may actually have a nice little nest egg at her demise. Still, if your health is suffering, I'd put my health first. Money doesn't help when you're in pain.

If my health allowed, I'd likely try to placate her and get the hundred thousands. It would be nice to feel comfortable about my retirement and be able to help educate the grandkids. I have a special needs niece, I'd like to help with as well.) If you don't need it, then, I'd set my boundaries and just learn to tune her out. I don't think that expecting things to get better or change with her would work.

Firstly, Thank God for this forum. So many great responses. I read through them over and over. They make me feel so much better. Thank you all!!!
The bottom line with all of these issues is my mother's refusal to spend any money. She even returns groceries to the store when she can sneak them in her purse. She tries to get her money back on things she has opened!!!! Money is her stonewall. She will not spend it. Period. And if I spend it and tell her she owes me, Good luck with that! She says I shouldn't have done it. I should have cleaned, picked up, shopped or whatever myself and I wouldn't have had to pay. And if I pay for someone to come to the house (which I would never do even if I could afford it, which I cannot) she won't let them in. When my father was sick and needed PT, she wouldn't let them in. She said it was ridiculous and he was fine.
Sunnygirl - I have already worked hard and paid for my kids college. 100% and as far as inheritance at this point I will donate it to charity before I take it for myself. Maybe something my mother would hate.
Churchmouse - You are right on! She sees me as a young person. And when I say, hey mom, I'm 60 years old! She says, "oh you're still young!" So there is no reasoning with her.
New event - Today I was diagnosed with a herniated disc and will need 8 weeks of PT and steroids and muscle relaxants. Two months ago had the same thing. Now they are saying I must get better or next time is surgery. Working full time and driving down to moms every week is really aggravating it because I have a desk job and a two hour car ride. Maybe I should ask for a back sling, LOL

I have a very good friend that is a narcissist. With boundaries, it is one of my oldest surviving relationships. But she was convinced that when she is too old and ill to live alone, she would move in with me and my husband. Um, that would be a no. Recently, she told me that when she was ill and infirm, I could build a house in my backyard and throw toilet paper through the door once a week. I smiled and replied that if she was old and demented, I'd put her in a nursing home and tell her she was at my house....You cannot reason with entitlement. You cannot fix dysfunction or narcissism. The only person who controls your behavior is YOU. And the last time I looked, slavery was outlawed in the post civil war period:)

She thought her family would do these things for her. Apparently, though, it didn't cross her mind that her bright-eyed, bushy-tailed children would ever be sixty, with complicated adult lives of their own. And, to be fair, she probably does still picture you as a strapping youngster - which would almost be a compliment if it weren't for the implications.

You can explain to your mother that time catches up with all of us, and that you no longer have the energy or muscle tone that you did. You can explain the demands on your time. You can assert your right to divide your attention as you please. Will she listen, much less agree, much less concede the point that she needs to buy in help? Not a chance!

But you are, as you say, an adult woman and you have autonomy. I agree with BB that saying no is hard, but not only can it be done, it is your only way out.

You could try itemising the tasks she regularly needs help with, and seeing to whom you might practically delegate them. Then start small, using unobtrusive services such as laundries or gardening companies - people who don't need to hang about in the house but will still take things off the To Do list for you. DO NOT PAY FOR THESE. You say "mother, I can't change the bed this week, so put the linen by the washer and Acme will pick them up for you Tuesday and deliver Thursday. The driver's name is Ben and the charge is $15."

And if she says - what was Captain's mother's wonderful phrase? - "I ain't a-payin' it. They can keep it." - or perhaps when she says words to that effect, then you MUST calmly stand your ground. The impasse may last some time, with you not doing the laundry and her letting the sheets pile up until she can't see out of the windows, but if eventually she's run out of bedlinen and you're worried about an avalanche, you call the laundry, get it done and GIVE HER THE BILL.

This is of course only a worked example; but do you have similar things it might compare to?

momtogo - it is exhausting dealing with a narcissist and continually having to reinforce boundaries. Believe me there are many of us here who experience that. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism so she used to rant and rage a lot. At age 104, she is medicated and bedridden and finally manageable. I found for my own survival, I had to say "No" more often.

You cannot please someone like that. It doesn't matter what you do, they don't want to be pleased, they want attention. You are her "narcissistic supply". I found I have to detach and distance. Personally there is no way you could get me to mop up a basement flood on my hands and knees with paper towel. Sounds like you set a limit on that kind of thing. Good for you.

Yes, there will be a crisis one day. Then the professionals can make some decisions for her. e.g she cannot live alone any more. Under no circumstances let her stay with you. I refused to let my mother stay with me. She would have ruined my life.

Your mother is pushing your guilt buttons from what I can see. Narcissists use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate people.

"She just shrugs and says, oh well if no one wants me then. " That is pushing your guilt button. Don't fall for it. Just say "Yeah, that's right, mom," or whatever shows her that you are not playing her game.

False guilt comes from not meeting the unrealistic expectations of others, real guilt comes from doing something wrong, which you are not.

Read around and you will see many stories of similar situations. We all learn from one another and reinforce our resolve to have a sane and healthy life. Absolutely your husband, yourself and your kids come first!