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I have been trying to care for my mom for 8 years. 5 1/2 years ago my dad died. She lives an hour away from me and will not move unless I take her into my home. She has the funds to pay for a wonderful life in assisted living. There are several options near me. She refuses by saying that she wants to give her money to her children when she dies and she does want to "go to a home". We have toured the facilities. My mother in law lives in one of them. But my mother will NOT consider it. So I suggested hiring help in her home. "NO!, I thought my family would do these things for me. No one loves me. No one wants me."
I used to say that is just false. But now I'm feeling like "Yeah, you're right. no one would want to be around someone as negative and impossible to please as you. I am at the end of my rope. I am a grown adult 60 years old! This is too much for me. But I am the only caregiver she has left. Everyone else has given up. And I don't blame them one bit! In fact, I admire them.

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Most of the time, seniors don't change their minds about where and how they want to live. Is she mentally sound? Is she having repeated falls? Is she able to manage in her own home? If so, then, it's really up to her. It sounds like moving her in with you is just not feasible. If you don't feel it's a good fit, then don't do it. I'd do what I could from afar and wait and see what happens. A crisis may change everything and may put her in the hospital, then rehab and then she'll likely need a facility. I'd have it all planned out and not give in, if you know you don't want her to move in with you. 

Have you considered retaining a Geriatric Care manager? They check in on the senior on a regular basis and monitor their welfare, report back, etc. . (Once a week, more or less.) Would she allow that?
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Have you considered that mom might be depressed and anxious? Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist?

You don't have to be your mom's caregiver if you don't want to. Saying "no" is hard, but it can be done. Have you considered working with a therapist to learn how to better set boundaries?
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Momsgoto, I remember my parents telling me that I am going to inherit a large sum once they pass.... I looked at them and said   "the way I feel, you both will outlive me",   as I was so physically and emotionally exhausted being a senior citizen myself.

I would have rather they use that money and move into something that was elder friendly, as their own house had too many stairs, and both were fall risks. Plus at 90+, Dad shouldn't be out on the ladder cleaning leaves from the gutters.   Mom, also 90+, refused caregivers and cleaning people.

My parents, as are a lot of elders, usually are in denial of their age and their ability to manage a house.   And these elders still view us as the "kid" thus in their mind we are still 35 years old, and what do we know :P

I did what Barb above had suggested, see a therapist.   The therapist did teach me that whatever decisions that my parents make, my parents have to take full responsibility that come with those decisions.   Thus, if my parents wanted to live in their own home, let them as long as they are clear minded, and what happens, happens.... it's not my fault.   Boy, it wasn't easy, I was still a nervous wreck.
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If you think setting boundaries is the answer, you have not met my mother! lol My mother is declining but still taking care of her home. I know it is hard but she refuses any option except the one she wants. Which is to live in my house. I look for the signs but her house is clean and all is in its place. she is very obsessive about this. If I bring her some dinner in a container, the next week she has it sitting out and constantly reminds me to take it with me. She doesn't want things "sitting around". I have noticed that she isn't taking care of herself. I have repeatedly asked her if she needs help and offered to take her to get her hair done. She wants me to come down and wash and fix her hair. I can't keep driving for two hours (an hour each way) to take care of all the things! If she lived closer I could do more. But when I say this she comes back with, "well can I live with you?" She will not accept my feelings on this and dismisses any feelings my husband may have. She expects me to just tell my husband, "Tough! my mother is moving in." She always says "You only have one mother." In my opinion, I only have one husband, and one family of my own, and one life!
If you only knew what it is like to keep her on the meds she is taking now. It is a constant argument. She doesn't want to spend the money for them. Refuses to get the medicare prescription plan, refuses to buy all she needs. I get them filled and then she won't pay for them. Then what she does have on hand she keeps asking me if she needs to take them. Thinks she really doesn't need them. So adding another drug would be insanity by definition. She makes simple tasks complicated on purpose and then says, "well, I'm old and you need to understand that."
I have been in therapy for two years. I set boundaries. I even hold them. But she always finds a way around things. She once had me come to her house because her basement flooded and she wouldn't provide a mop. I had to use towels to soak up the mess on my hands and knees!!!!! And when I asked her to buy one for the next time, she said why?? I don't want that sitting around. So you see what I'm dealing with. I told her I wouldn't be back if she had that happen again. And I haven't. But the next time will be something different and the story repeats itself. She had me hanging ceilings, landscaping, fixing molding, sealing cracks, painting, etc. No more! I have set that boundary. But she is always testing the fences. It's is utterly exhausting.
I see that at this point it is a battle of wills. She wants her way and she will do whatever it takes to get in my house. I cannot let this happen. She will literally destroy me. She's halfway there already.
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I know my mom is depressed. I'm sure that she is anxious. I have offered to take her to the dr. I have prompted the discussion with her primary care. She just perks up with him and says I feel fine! Then he says there is nothing he can do. You can't force someone to take drugs!!! Everyone in my family has constantly tried to please her and make her happy. She is never satisfied. I have done everything I can do and so has everyone else. At this point, I know she is not mentally well. But what can I do? She refuses to see anyone. I have accepted the fact that something will happen to put her in the hospital and we will proceed from there. I have had this conversation with her. I told her she need to make some decisions and I would help her with them. I told her if she doesn't make them then someday the decision will be made for her and she will have no say. She just shrugs and says, oh well if no one wants me then. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
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Btw, My mother will not pay for an aspirin so I don't think she's going to spring for a geriatric case manager. She has hundreds of thousands of dollars.
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Oh my.....I do feel for you. This sounds exhausting. You're right. If in your home, it would be a disaster. She sounds like a very dysfunctional person. Sadly, her refusal to take care of her health may come back to bite her. I used to question my cousin regularly about why she wasn't taking her meds, seeing her doctor, getting her blood work monitored, etc. and she just blew me off. Eventually, Vascular Dementia hit and she had severe dementia within a matter of months! Then, their need is great and they have to have AL or MC. But, you can't force her. She's resistant and not interested in really helping her herself.

Why do you think that she is so intent on moving in with you? Does she enjoy making you miserable or does she not notice that's what she does? I would question her stability. She may be competent to make her own decisions, but, something sounds way off.

Do you really think that she is leaving you the hundreds of thousands of dollars? Are there other adult children to split it with? If the money was really needed, then, I'd probably try to placate her so I would get the inheritance. You would likely earn every penny being her caretaker. But, you know how things go. If she ends up needing nursing home care, that money may used to cover that care. It's a lot to consider. That money could provide you a nice retirement or college for the kids. A tall price to pay, but, it's all a matter of perspective.
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Momsgoto, I don't suggest this, but on time I broke my upper arm when I fell and was out of commission for quite a few months.   Couldn't even drive.

The physical therapist said it was time for me to put away the sling...   I explained the situation with my parents and their constant need for me to help.  My parents understood the visual of the sling.  The therapist understood, and said go ahead and wear the sling whenever I was around my parents :)))

My gosh it worked, that sling stopped my parents from wanting me to drive them all over hill and dale, and for taking them to all those doctor appointments.   Thank goodness for Peapod on-line groceries and delivery.

I thought for sure that would have been a wake-up call for my parents that they need to hire help, to blow the dust off their wallet.   As soon as I was able to drive six months later, it was back to the some old, some old.
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momtogo - it is exhausting dealing with a narcissist and continually having to reinforce boundaries. Believe me there are many of us here who experience that. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism so she used to rant and rage a lot. At age 104, she is medicated and bedridden and finally manageable. I found for my own survival, I had to say "No" more often.

You cannot please someone like that. It doesn't matter what you do, they don't want to be pleased, they want attention. You are her "narcissistic supply". I found I have to detach and distance. Personally there is no way you could get me to mop up a basement flood on my hands and knees with paper towel. Sounds like you set a limit on that kind of thing. Good for you.

Yes, there will be a crisis one day. Then the professionals can make some decisions for her. e.g she cannot live alone any more. Under no circumstances let her stay with you. I refused to let my mother stay with me. She would have ruined my life.

Your mother is pushing your guilt buttons from what I can see. Narcissists use FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate people.

"She just shrugs and says, oh well if no one wants me then. " That is pushing your guilt button. Don't fall for it. Just say "Yeah, that's right, mom," or whatever shows her that you are not playing her game.

False guilt comes from not meeting the unrealistic expectations of others, real guilt comes from doing something wrong, which you are not.

Read around and you will see many stories of similar situations. We all learn from one another and reinforce our resolve to have a sane and healthy life. Absolutely your husband, yourself and your kids come first!
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She thought her family would do these things for her. Apparently, though, it didn't cross her mind that her bright-eyed, bushy-tailed children would ever be sixty, with complicated adult lives of their own. And, to be fair, she probably does still picture you as a strapping youngster - which would almost be a compliment if it weren't for the implications.

You can explain to your mother that time catches up with all of us, and that you no longer have the energy or muscle tone that you did. You can explain the demands on your time. You can assert your right to divide your attention as you please. Will she listen, much less agree, much less concede the point that she needs to buy in help? Not a chance!

But you are, as you say, an adult woman and you have autonomy. I agree with BB that saying no is hard, but not only can it be done, it is your only way out.

You could try itemising the tasks she regularly needs help with, and seeing to whom you might practically delegate them. Then start small, using unobtrusive services such as laundries or gardening companies - people who don't need to hang about in the house but will still take things off the To Do list for you. DO NOT PAY FOR THESE. You say "mother, I can't change the bed this week, so put the linen by the washer and Acme will pick them up for you Tuesday and deliver Thursday. The driver's name is Ben and the charge is $15."

And if she says - what was Captain's mother's wonderful phrase? - "I ain't a-payin' it. They can keep it." - or perhaps when she says words to that effect, then you MUST calmly stand your ground. The impasse may last some time, with you not doing the laundry and her letting the sheets pile up until she can't see out of the windows, but if eventually she's run out of bedlinen and you're worried about an avalanche, you call the laundry, get it done and GIVE HER THE BILL.

This is of course only a worked example; but do you have similar things it might compare to?
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I have a very good friend that is a narcissist. With boundaries, it is one of my oldest surviving relationships. But she was convinced that when she is too old and ill to live alone, she would move in with me and my husband. Um, that would be a no. Recently, she told me that when she was ill and infirm, I could build a house in my backyard and throw toilet paper through the door once a week. I smiled and replied that if she was old and demented, I'd put her in a nursing home and tell her she was at my house....You cannot reason with entitlement. You cannot fix dysfunction or narcissism. The only person who controls your behavior is YOU. And the last time I looked, slavery was outlawed in the post civil war period:)
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Firstly, Thank God for this forum. So many great responses. I read through them over and over. They make me feel so much better. Thank you all!!!
The bottom line with all of these issues is my mother's refusal to spend any money. She even returns groceries to the store when she can sneak them in her purse. She tries to get her money back on things she has opened!!!! Money is her stonewall. She will not spend it. Period. And if I spend it and tell her she owes me, Good luck with that! She says I shouldn't have done it. I should have cleaned, picked up, shopped or whatever myself and I wouldn't have had to pay. And if I pay for someone to come to the house (which I would never do even if I could afford it, which I cannot) she won't let them in. When my father was sick and needed PT, she wouldn't let them in. She said it was ridiculous and he was fine.
Sunnygirl - I have already worked hard and paid for my kids college. 100% and as far as inheritance at this point I will donate it to charity before I take it for myself. Maybe something my mother would hate.
Churchmouse - You are right on! She sees me as a young person. And when I say, hey mom, I'm 60 years old! She says, "oh you're still young!" So there is no reasoning with her.
New event - Today I was diagnosed with a herniated disc and will need 8 weeks of PT and steroids and muscle relaxants. Two months ago had the same thing. Now they are saying I must get better or next time is surgery. Working full time and driving down to moms every week is really aggravating it because I have a desk job and a two hour car ride. Maybe I should ask for a back sling, LOL
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Well, you are fortunate to not need a couple of hundred thousand dollars and it sounds like your mom is so penny tight, that she may actually have a nice little nest egg at her demise. Still, if your health is suffering, I'd put my health first. Money doesn't help when you're in pain.

If my health allowed, I'd likely try to placate her and get the hundred thousands. It would be nice to feel comfortable about my retirement and be able to help educate the grandkids. I have a special needs niece, I'd like to help with as well.) If you don't need it, then, I'd set my boundaries and just learn to tune her out. I don't think that expecting things to get better or change with her would work.
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Momsgoto, I think one of the differences between us at 60 and our mothers is that we are getting to 60 pretty worn out. We've been juggling fulltime jobs, raising a family and running a home, and the stress of modern life. Add that helping elderly parents. We don't have the energy to run two houses. CM has some excellent thoughts on this - just start finding a Plan B for things . Explain to your mom (as often as needed) that it's not possible for you to do these things personally, but you can assist her in finding people to get it done.

sunny, placating her mom means her mom living with her.  Doesn't sound like anything short of that will make her mom happy (0r less unhappy, as it were).  I don't imagine needing or not needing the money comes into play when she's looking at her health, her marriage (this will create havoc in her home).
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I told my mother outright that I could not do certain things because my health would not permit it. She finally accepted that. Sometimes you have to stop doing what you are doing and let her experience the consequences of not getting help somewhere else. For example, "Mom, i can only come once every two week as my back injury requires that I rest. Also I will not be able to take out the trash, lift groceries, or mop the floors anymore. If you like I will help you find someone who can, at your cost.

"Detaching with love doesn't mean that you stop loving the other person. It means that you make a decision to back up and stop putting all of your time and energy focusing on someone else. It means not allowing the drama of someone else's addiction to destroy your life."

"Givers have to set limits...because takers rarely do."

momsgoto - there are lots of references to detaching on this site if you click on the 4 lines, upper left and type "detach"or "detaching" in the search box.

Here are some pointers regarding detaching:

Accept that others are responsible for their own choices.
Anger – deal with it in a healthy way.
Blame – don’t blame and don’t accept blame.
Consequences – face them and see that others experience consequences of their choices too.
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do and communicate it firmly..
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviors, though the feelings should follow the behaviors. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviors towards to others –kindness, compassion.
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviors of others.
Focus on yourself.
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself.
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received.
Refuse to be manipulated e.g., emotional blackmail, guilt
Respond, don’t react - be proactive.
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviors/feelings.
Set boundaries.
Say “No”.
Space –create it between you and them.
Try not to take their behaviors personally.
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity.
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviors –do not take responsibility for the others feelings/behaviors/choices.

Realize it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
...
#1 Look after yourself. You need time and energy and space to deal with them

#2 Detach emotionally - counselling and books e.g, a book and workbook about Walking on Eggshells" is good and other resources for those with narcissistic parents like various websites -.google narcissistic mothers

#3 Set up the boundaries according to what you think is right, and what you want to or can do and let her know clearly - maybe putting it in writing would be helpful - you do NOT have to do it all for her. Look after her needs, if you choose to, but not necessarily.
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I remember back when my Dad asked me to resign from my career so I could spend more time driving him and my Mom all over the countryside, go shopping or to take them to doctor appointments.   I looked at Dad and said "Dad, did you resigned from your career to take care of your parents, or to take care of my Mom's parents?"..... I knew his answer would be "no", and he never asked me again.

Then I had to remind my Dad that his parents had about 12 relatives [sons, their wives, and a gaggle of grandchildren who had driver licenses] who lived in the same County who were able to share with the driving, chores, etc.   My Mom's parents also had about 10 relatives who were available.   Hello, there is just "me" to do what those 10-12 were doing.

I was tired, and also very resentful.   My parents could afford to hire people to help them... people 30 to 40 years younger then me.
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Moms, there is a thread on this site called "Is it normal that she's so negative?". It's by and about a woman of your age whose mother thought that her daughter should do everything for her and who should just "take" the verbal abuse she dished out. Gradually, through therapy and encouragement recieved here, she learnded to say "no, I can't do that"; "no, that doesn't fit into my plans", and "I couldn't possibly do THAT".

Your mother is treating you as her personal slave. Perhaps she has some cognitive decline and doesn't realize how old you are, or perhaps she's always been narcissistic and expected others to do her bidding. Whatever it is, only you can stop the cycle of enabling by saying "no". Be prepared for your mother to guilt you from here to kingdom come and to bad mouth you to all who will listen. Just smile, nod and grit your teeth.
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Momsgoto, I'd advise you to not spend time trying to get your mom to accept it - she may never accept that you can't do everything she wishes. Another member of this forum (Jessie, I think ) summed it up beautifully - some parents want to be in the child role, as in having absolutely everything taken care of for them. But they also want to be the authority figure calling the shots on when, how etc. So freedom of choice with absence of responsibility.
My sister is engaged in a similar struggle with our mom (in NH). Simply, our mom's physical needs exceed my sister's decreasing ability to personally take care of those needs. Factor in our mom's excessive and unreasonable demands (physical and emotional) and living together once again is not possible. I really suggest that you draw boundaries now, stick with them (yes, over and over and over). We opted to find a great AL for our mom and use her funds (our future inheritance) so that we could heal and focus on our own families. Good thing too - a year later, my husband became ill and I was enormously grateful to be able to focus on him, knowing my mom was also cared for. And don't let anyone give you the "you only have your parents for a little longer ...you should do X". Many of us have nearly lost spouses and children .... life is fragile for all. Hugs. You can do this.
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I am so very grateful for each of your replies. Every one of them helps me in different ways. It is such a blessing to get different perspectives with love and support. I will return to them often, as I know my resolve will fade as the struggles return again and again. Linda22 - yes, life is fragile for all. three of my co-workers have recently lost their spouses unexpectedly. 47, 53, and 66. And several are battling disease at very young ages. So it is, we must treat each day as a gift and try our best to love others and ourselves. I am sad that I don't have the relationship I want with my mom. Sad that she places money at a higher value than people and her own happiness. And just for the record, its not that I don't need money. Believe me, I have bills and loans and expenses that keep me working. But seeing how my mother idolizes money to her own detriment and to the detriment of her relationships has sickened me. I'd rather be getting along paycheck to paycheck than destroy the love I have in my life.
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On the point of tactical retreats - when you feel your resolve fading, that is - Robert Heinlein commented: "It is better to be a live dog than a dead lion. But it is better still to be a live lion, and usually easier."

Your mother may well be taken aback if you show her a new, firmer, cooler-headed you. She will probably react against it, and progressively up the ante. So, you have to check your boundaries always against your own judgement, and not according to how she responds. This is about you being the adult and the only person able to judge correctly what balance is right for you.

You can't expect her to like it, but you're not doing it for her approval (as if!), and that's okay because her approval is never going to happen anyway, no matter what you do, so what have you lost? You're doing this because it's fair, and reasonable, and sustainable. You are the well-adjusted adult in this relationship. It isn't your fault that your mother's perspective is always going to be different.
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Momsgoto, I am sorry you are in this position. Your Mom is never going to accept that you are not 35 and full of vigor and vitality. You see, that way, she is younger and healthier, too.! My Dad died last month, 91 and ready to go to his Maker! But, Mom was not even believing Dad could be that bad, so as to die of old age. She did mention for awhile that she ought to be able to come live with one of us 'kids'. But I think that was the lonely part of her begging for company. She will not be happy till she rejoins Dad, I think. She is in a facility a nice homey atmosphere. and I think she will adjust in time. But it will take a lot of time. That does not mean she will ever be happy again! I doubt that anything you do for you Mom will ever make her happy. Keep that in mind. God bless You!!
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Of course you are exhausted! Find alternative arrarngements. You cannot go on as it is!
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"" I have offered to take her to the dr. I have prompted the discussion with her primary care. She just perks up with him and says I feel fine! Then he says there is nothing he can do. You can't force someone to take drugs!!! """

My mom pulled this. I used my cell phone to video her and her home which had become a hoarders paradise and dangerous to try to walk thru. Her Dr. saw how she talked, acted and lived away from her office. You might consider doing that.
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You have to try something different. If you do nothing things will just stay the same. I like freqflyer's suggestion about the sling or some sort of variation of that. I started caregiving for my both of my parents about five years ago. My mom was similar to yours but she passed away a little over a year ago. She was bedridden and wanted me to care for her house the way she did. Back to doing something - when my dad found out that my blood pressure was unusually high (higher than his), and now I have a stomach condition which I don't know what it is ( I'm going to my GI doctor next week), he has become a lot gentler and nicer. Maybe it's the thought of losing me. I don't know.
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Moms--
I feel your pain.
My mother, too pulls that "if you can't/won't help me, then just put me on a mountain and let me die". This is flat out manipulation and a terrible thing to say to ANYONE, much less a child (age 60!!) who has her own family, and health issues.
Setting boundaries, sometimes means walking away- and staying away for a long period of time (making sure that your mother is safe) is sometimes a great answer/solution.

After MANY days of trying to help her and MANY times of being abused by her verbally--I finally got the strength to say "no". And I walked away for 6 months. She didn't even notice.
Mother also has funds so she can go to any lovely ALF she wants. She doesn't "want" She wants us kids to dance attendance. That got old really, really fast. The promise of a huge inheritance was dangled in our faces (um, it's about $10,000 per kid---wow)...and kept that a dark secret for a while, then when my brother told us how much we'd be inheriting, we all laughed and said "THIS is why she refuses any "paid" care?" NONE of us needs the $10,000--but to her, this is a fortune.

Time to be tough and stand up for yourself. I'm lucky in that my mother doesn't know my phone number (same one, 39 years--she never bothered to learn it) so I don't get called.

Take some time for yourself. Don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I know). Self preserve as best you can. Good luck--this is tough.
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I think you will find it easier to care for your mother in your home. If she agrees to allow you to use her social security check each month to first pay her insurance, her deductibles, her co pays, her supplies and contribute to the household's increase in utility bills and food, I think caring for your mother can be a good experience for both of you. Why is she negative? Because she wishes to live family instead of strangers? Older adults feel lonely and unloved when they can no longer do things for themselves and they feel alone helpless and dependent. Admire them for not wanting to contribute to her care? Really?
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Sweetelena,

Thanks, but you obviously have no idea what I am dealing with.
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elena - some people are negative and have been negative all their lives, not for the reasons that you mention which suggest the negativity can be fixed. The poster needs support not criticism. You haven't walked in her shoes,

momsgoto - keep your boundaries and detach. Your mum is making her bed and has to lie in it. Do not take her into your home ad don't let her make you feel guilty. She will never understand. You have to look after yourself.  How you doing?
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I told my parents that they earned the money & to use it all to make their life easier - just have enough for the funeral... LOL

When you your mom does the guilt trip 'you don't care' say to her 'I don't care about your money, I care about you & your safety, I care about needing to take care of my own health issues at over 60 so that I can be there for you. Do you think I'd enjoy any of that money if I knew you deprived yourself of help & comfort to leave it to me ... SPEND IT NOW IT IS YOUR MONEY' - use those same words every time she says it & it might slowly sink in - good luck
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I can relate to your situation. My mother is always negative about everything and everyone. Nothing will please her. Nothing. She appears to be miserable but when I ask why, she seems surprised that I would think that. She lives as a hoarder - will not allow anyone to clean her house to the extent that it is now dangerous. I agree with other comments here - set boundaries and keep repeating them. Don't accept guilt, but do accept the fact that she will never change. It's been a long, painful road for me to learn that nothing I do or suggest will ever please my mother. My suggestions are perceived as me wanting to control her life. I just recently decided not to enter her house any more, after being stabbed in the knee by something protruding from a mound of stuff barricading a walkway between rooms. It was my final straw. My own fault for trying to navigate the obstacle course that is her house. I will take her to her doctor appointments but I will not go in her house. If I go in there, I will want to clean it up, she will scream at me to stop trying to control her, and I will leave upset again. So, no more.
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