I'm physically and mentally exhausted. Will my mother ever accept this?

What consequences do you have for when she breaks your boundaries? They are useless without consequences.

My one grandmother has never accepted the fact that she is almost 90 with kidney problems and mobility issues. She still hasn't accepted the fact that my parents are not spring chickens themselves (both in their 60's). She expects my parents and I do come over 3 times a week to clean her house, take care of her yard work and other maitenance work on her house. Then proceed to take her out to dinner. We go over there once a week to do light house work and take her grocery shopping but we do call her once a week as well. What she really wants is to have a live in maid and cook that she doesn't have to pay. Well, nobody in this world works for free and if she wants them, she pays for them. We don't do anymore than that because we know she will take advantage of us and that's not gonna happen. Draw that boundry of you are stopping by once a week for a set amount of hours and what you will and won't do. If she don't like it well, she's gonna have to suck it up.

One of my mom's friends, a lady in her early 90's, depended on her children to enable her to live at home. She balked at the cost of paying someone to take her to the doctor's, so her daughter took her. The lady would tell people her daughter was her "right hand", as she took her on errands, did the shopping, helped with housework etc. The daughter passed away a few years ago, from heart problems. One son passed last year. And the lady is still in her own home, now having to pay others to do what her kids had been doing for her. So terribly sad.

So sad, Linda. We know too many care givers pass before the person they care give. Others develop depression and/or other health issues and also have related financial difficulties. Your mom's friend is still in her home and has lost her children. That is too high a price to pay.

My mom recently told my sister that she hoped that when she's our mom's age, that she didn't end up in NH. My sister responded that she wasn't expecting to live that long (97) as she's already worn out in her 60's.

Momsgoto, my advice is to accept that your mom will never accept that you're not able to do all she wants you to. Some moms will expect and expect, take and take, without any concern about the adverse effects upon their children. So keep looking out for yourself.

Thanks to all who offered kind words. I will use this support to bolster myself. I have been in therapy for three years now. It definitely helps but is not a cure-all. I have survived because of many on this forum. You are my angels. I try to return the love by commenting to others when I read their situations.
Cmagnum - Wow. I never thought of that. Everyone says to set boundaries but never suggested consequences. I guess I could distance myself more when she repeatedly tests me. I call everyday and sometimes two or three times a day. I think I will start to back off to every other day if she is negative or testy.
Linda22 - So as you have said before, all life is fragile. And that went to my heart. You are so, so right. The elderly do not have more rights to kindness merely because they are old. And they should not get a free pass to mistreat others either.

Momsgoto,

I learned about boundaries and consequences from my therapist. If your therapist has not mentioned consequences when the boundaries are broken, then ask them about consequences or find another one who will.

I really feel for you all dealing with difficult parents like this. Mine was nice, a little sarcastic/snippy at times. I couldn't handle her physically anymore and almost no funds to hire help so had to place her. IF siblings could have been more helpful with money or hands on, I'd have kept her at home. So now I have the guilt to deal with. And NO, facility placement is not great or cheap or easy, less work. You have to stay on them ALL the time to do what is included in the care plan that you are paying for by selling their little bit of assets. I know if they are in their home and you are not there you are a nervous wreck, so get the safety items done. locks on doors, downstairs bedroom, block off upstairs, emergency necklace, (she will wear eventually as she gets less able "physically", key box for sheriff/police/EMS to get in. Ours has a free daily checkup call, and free bracelet that has gps tracking with 100% success rate of finding lost folks. Hint, you can sew a tracker device in her favorite purse. At least do what you can for their safety. A friend died at age 61-stroke, and her mother she was caring for died the next month. Take care of yourself!