Recap: 91 yrs old, recovered from knee replacement and subsequent MRSA and sepsis. Still no diagnosis of dementia or onset, lives alone and he’s back volunteering 40 hrs a week at VA hospital and his weekly bus trip to gamble (not an addiction but a pastime he can afford and enjoys greatly) I see a difference in his behavior/personality but it’s chalked up as age appropriate so far.
Last year was THE WORST so I’m really dreading this year. I have 1 son and my girlfriend has 1 daughter so we spend holidays together because our families are out of town or estranged. I always invite him over, take him with us, but he’s been wrecking it. Last Christmas I was sick, had very little money but still managed. Cooked Italian food for 3 days, Christmas morning I’m wrapping the few presents and packing everything up and called told him I’d be later than noon to pick him up. (My friend was hosting since she decorated and I didn’t cuz I was sick mid December so I did food) she knew he preferred white meat so she spent her food stamps and cooked all day Xmas eve so he had a completely different meal to cater to his preference, NOT a dietary need. He started calling me at 12:15 every 15 minutes with snarky messages. I just couldn’t wrap, finish cooking, shower, and pack up everything fast enough for him! Upon our arrival when I saw she cooked an entire day/meal I told him how wonderful and how special he is treated and he just sat there pouting that he had waited for me to pick him up. We put on sports channel got him situated on couch and proceeded to get dinner together, 2 different dinners. He bitched, pouted, and was so rude and unappreciative I was so embarrassed, ashamed of him and angry I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t get him fed, throw presents at our children and leave her home fast enough. He offered no gifts or even cash or cards to our children, he always carries over $500 on him, he has plenty of money and he’s completely mobile. SHE SPENT HER KIDS FOOD STAMPS JUST TO FEED THE MAN!!!!!
I’m dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s not fair when he would otherwise sit home alone instead of being catered to, fed, and a pile of presents knee high (we try so hard to pull off holidays with meager means but we do it every time). I thought about fibbing that we’d be spending Xmas out of state with family, it seems so mean though. Do I let him ruin both holidays again or let him sit home alone?
My son and I were invited to my Aunts new home in the foothills, so I was very hesitant since I have very little family. After much thought (her being 70 and house full of boxes) plus she doesn’t pay for sports channel, has no coffee pot and did ham, I couldn’t subject her or myself to it 😢 I just couldn’t. I told him he wouldn’t have coffee or sports or white meat and he said it was “ noooo problemo” but I know better so if he made her feel bad I would have not handled it well! We had a stint of bad weather so I had to drive my truck and I can’t lift him into it, plus steep driveway and stairs (I exaggerate a bit) it wasn’t a good combination so I told him I couldn’t get him there safely and he would be miserable considering his behavior last year when he had all those things so I was going alone. He still never has apologized or ensured me it wouldn’t happen again.
We had a wonderful warm quaint Thanksgiving without him, I feel a little bad but would have felt FAR worse had he insulted my dear Aunty and made me drive an hour back home hungry and angry. I brought a plate of goodies for him. He got it today.
I hope you had a nice day and all turned out well?
My friend moved he FIL into one. They went over everyday to walk him to the cafeteria... and followed him back to his apartment... He never got it... He was clever enough to catch a ride from security... :)
He ended up in the memory care unit after a couple falls and mishaps...
Start looking into senior living areas near you... They usually have fun functions and things for seniors to do.. He might appreciate more friends and people around.... Visit a few with him and take tours with him.. They will usually give you a free meal when you tour the facility.... Make a fun daytrip of it.. He might really enjoy it.. Engulf yourselves take the time and visit...
By the way, when was the last time he had a check up.. CT SCAN OR UTI ?
It could be just cranky 91 year old stuff hitting his mind/brain, that he is no longer in control of himself...
He lives alone... anyone checking on him on a daily /weekly basis?
Tell him if he wants to come over, it will cost him $50 per child towards their college fund.. Might as well start saving for college now... and if he has funds... let him know, degrees are not free.. any help to get them a degree is so much appreciated...
Are you your godfather's guardian?
If you are not, you have no legal responsibility. You need to tell the VA that they should proceed how they feel they should because YOU have no legal authority to MAKE him do anything.
Sometimes we need to step away in order for folks to get the care they need.
Unfortunatly this probably means that you have to spend time with him to figure out how bad he has become. Any hospitalization or medical incident can cause an increase that may or may not get better. It is usually the people that know him well see change before any doctor would notice.
I would ask the director of volunteers for their opinion and that of others that have known him throughout the years.
The only thing that is certain with dementia is that it is all uncertain.
Look at this as progress towards him being safe and cared for.
Praying for strength for you and peace for him.
I can't imagine how you feel.
One thing that I want to say, he may have a dementia that he really doesn't know that he is having a problem. I know it hard as can be when it looks like lies all over, no responsibility and no care for others, but I would bet that it is largely due to dementia.
His executive function is pretty gone based on what you posted.
I pray that you can help him, it is really difficult when they don't know that they are having problems. You will be accused of everything imaginable, know it is the disease, as much as it still hurts, he most likely hasn't a clue.
Hugs! Tough times.
VA Volunteer Director called me yesterday that he would be arrested today if he continues to trespass at the VA hospital. They’ve been trying to get him out the ER Dept for a year! He convinced Everyone he made a full recovery (as for surgery yes) but he’s been getting complaints from dr and nurse staff all this time. He doesn’t care he’s in the way, he doesn’t care it’s fast paced and insists they’re lying and he’s no problem. His walker isn’t in the way and they don’t move that fast He Insists. I called PCP and found he’s cancelled all his appointments and also geriatric neurologist appt. He’s lying to me and PCP. I gotta be the bad guy so I’m guessing getting POA for medical and financial is going to be like pulling teeth😭
I took his access badge to hospital and they appreciate his kindness for volunteering but he isn’t a good fit in the ER. Can you imagine having to bail him out of jail because he keeps going and has been told he’s not welcome anymore, I guess they had to get rude finally. Do they even allow bail in military detention facilities? I don’t know where to start now if he’s not going to cooperate while he is mostly coherent????
People who are pouty, high maintenance, and ungrateful deserve to be ignored in my opinion. Especially if it's not even due to a medical condition. Stop at Macdonald's, pick him up a big mac and throw it at the door.
Okay, you have me cracking up with the Big Mac remark! Shame on you! Hahaha. Thanks for the giggle 🤣
Id hoped it was just me he was dismissive towards, ignored or was rude to, i even wanted to lol the comment about VA police but here we are, no consideration for people who need emergency care or the professionals trying to help the patients, he’s a liability. This is it. He told PCP he was great and back to 40 hr week so she excused his geriatric neurologist appt. I’m hitting her office so hard tomorrow it’s gonna make my own head spin! The show has just begun ladies and gentlemen!
I like that suggestion of delivering him a plate the day before - still caring & respectful but a separate visit. Even go out if you want. Then relax & enjoy your family your way.
Each holiday repeat.
I had to separate out my family from DHs family years & years ago. Now attempting to separate my parents/siblings from my DH & children so I can have some time to enjoy my little family while not being on elder/disability care duties the whole time.
Last year after cooking & bringing all the food, wheeling them around, setting them up, filling their plates etc I just sat down & raised the first forkful to my mouth. Fork mid air Sis says "I need to go to the toilet". No-one moved. No other able body even looked up, just kept eating. Resentment is building again thinking of it. Family slave quit right then.
Having my own Christmas this year.
My BIL used to get a kick out of my husband’s crazy grandma. She would say the craziest things!
My BIL didn’t live here. He moved to San Francisco for college and stayed there.
When he would visit he would sit next to me and whisper the funniest stuff in my ear. Sure, he didn’t have to put up with her crap year round like the rest of us, but he was pretty funny. He always said, “This is free entertainment. I could use this stuff to do a stand up comedy routine!”
I would tell him to work on his timing and then invite me to the show! Hahaha
We would crack up! Of course, we couldn’t tell my MIL what we were laughing at because she was so embarrassed by her mother’s behavior.
The woman couldn’t get through an evening without discussing her bowel movements. Geeeeez, slowly but surely, everyone would lose their appetite!
My DH's Uncle was also a scream... He would gather all for a speech & toast & then swear until the older aunts & grandmas left the room - he just loved to make a scene! He would swear in front of the kids too - my son had never heard the c-word until he met this *gentleman*. Downed his cancer & pain meds in a saucer of gin chased by a bottle of wine last year. So no swearing like that will be heard now.
You are not mean! Your children and girlfriend matter the most to you. They will be grateful to you.
You don’t owe him anything. I’m sorry but he is rude.
I cooked for three days before the holidays. My house was sparkling clean. My family would gobble up my food. When my brother was about to leave he would turn to my husband and thank him for the dinner and not one word to me.
My husband would tell him that I cooked everything and to thank me. It would ‘pain’ him to show any gratitude whatsoever to me. So, it started to ‘pain’ me to cook for ungrateful idiots! My husband and kids were relieved.
My mother lived with us. She thought I was awful. Too bad. Why torture yourself? Holidays were not made to be tortured.
Last I checked Thanksgiving was about giving thanks. Are you thankful for that kind of behavior? Nope! So eliminate it. Last I heard Christmas was about the birth of Jesus. It’s not about being annoyed!
Start a new tradition! Bring him a small dinner the day before, if you like. Doesn’t even have to be homemade. There are plenty of places that you can pick up a ready cooked meal. He will never know the difference!
You'd like my Aunt...
A family member (plus his tribe) kept insisting they would visit her. Expected to stay & be cooked for. She had said no.
So she went on a cruise for Christmas.
As for telling him WHY you can’t be together at the holiday, of course not! That’s cruel. You absolutely lie. I’m against lying in general, but at that age, he’s not going to grow or change. Send him a dinner, don’t explain yourself beyond “there’s always next year” and make some happy memories.
Since he is mobile and able; make a trip to see him separately (maybe in his place before or after each holiday) as you can afford. Make it a no gifts, no meal visit and make it short. Enjoy some conversation and maybe some cookies and drinks and call it a done deal. If he complains that you don't spend the holidays with him, then explain that you don't have the finances or the time to deal with a bigger get together.
My advice is to confront this man before the holidays arrive. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he is either going to be civil and kind, or he is no longer welcome in your home. If he agrees to that, but then reverts to form, tell him you are done and you will no longer have any contact with him. Alternatively, you could cut off all contact with him now, and be perfectly at peace. Do not let anyone abuse you and your family this way! I learned the hard way after our entire family pretended my mom was not a mean drunk. It's not worth it. The worst that could happen is that he gets angry. Bullies use anger to control people. Let him be angry with somebody else.