Recap: 91 yrs old, recovered from knee replacement and subsequent MRSA and sepsis. Still no diagnosis of dementia or onset, lives alone and he’s back volunteering 40 hrs a week at VA hospital and his weekly bus trip to gamble (not an addiction but a pastime he can afford and enjoys greatly) I see a difference in his behavior/personality but it’s chalked up as age appropriate so far.
Last year was THE WORST so I’m really dreading this year. I have 1 son and my girlfriend has 1 daughter so we spend holidays together because our families are out of town or estranged. I always invite him over, take him with us, but he’s been wrecking it. Last Christmas I was sick, had very little money but still managed. Cooked Italian food for 3 days, Christmas morning I’m wrapping the few presents and packing everything up and called told him I’d be later than noon to pick him up. (My friend was hosting since she decorated and I didn’t cuz I was sick mid December so I did food) she knew he preferred white meat so she spent her food stamps and cooked all day Xmas eve so he had a completely different meal to cater to his preference, NOT a dietary need. He started calling me at 12:15 every 15 minutes with snarky messages. I just couldn’t wrap, finish cooking, shower, and pack up everything fast enough for him! Upon our arrival when I saw she cooked an entire day/meal I told him how wonderful and how special he is treated and he just sat there pouting that he had waited for me to pick him up. We put on sports channel got him situated on couch and proceeded to get dinner together, 2 different dinners. He bitched, pouted, and was so rude and unappreciative I was so embarrassed, ashamed of him and angry I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t get him fed, throw presents at our children and leave her home fast enough. He offered no gifts or even cash or cards to our children, he always carries over $500 on him, he has plenty of money and he’s completely mobile. SHE SPENT HER KIDS FOOD STAMPS JUST TO FEED THE MAN!!!!!
I’m dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s not fair when he would otherwise sit home alone instead of being catered to, fed, and a pile of presents knee high (we try so hard to pull off holidays with meager means but we do it every time). I thought about fibbing that we’d be spending Xmas out of state with family, it seems so mean though. Do I let him ruin both holidays again or let him sit home alone?
Take a year off. Call him and say you're sorry but you aren't going to 'observe' Christmas or Thanksgiving this year, or you're leaving town. Make up some fib and let him rant, rave and be a pill.
It won't kill him to sit home alone. As long as you all cater to him, the more he'll expect it.
My MIL would come to our house, stay a half hour and demand to be chauffered back home. DH would have already picked her up, but he would accede to her wishes and take her home. He's miss out on pretty much the whole day. Finally I put MY foot down and told her "we get together at 11. We will open gifts after brunch. Then, NO SOONER THAN 2 pm will DH leave HIS family to run you home. That's the way it's going to be."
Well, of course I was the bad guy and DH got angry with me and I said he could then spend the day with her, and I'd get the grandkids.
Probably wouldn't make any difference, but you could tell this sponge that your friend used her FOOD STAMPS to make a meal for HIM. He probably can't 'contribute' to a meal but he could slip you $200 to help out.
People treat us the way we let them treat us. I know that's easily said and hard to do.
I worry what if it’s his last Christmas? Plus I’m over here giving other people advice I cannot follow🥴 then my little voice says WHY SHOULD HE RUIN IT EVEN IF ITS HIS LAST???
I guess a bigger concern is my son isn’t going to be a child who gets excited about Xmas much longer! Why should I isolate my son and myself to spend a thankless holiday with a crotchety ungrateful terd?
ENJOY the holidays this year, you deserve to!
1 He did not even ask if he could turn on their TV.
2 He was incredibly rude about it. Said he wanted to watch the game.
I told him he was either turning off the TV or leaving. I was not putting up with his behaviour. He reluctantly turned off the TV.
You tell your godfather that based on his behaviour last year, he is not invited to spend the holidays with you. Period.
I do not understand why someone who is on food stamps would put their children's nutrition after that of a man who can afford to go to the casino?
HE SPITS FOOD ON YOUR PLATE????????? WTH?? This would last ONE meal at my house and he'd be history.
So what if it's his last Christmas? I'm praying it's my MIL's last one. You know what she gave all the adults for a gift last year? A $100 bill in an envelope. You know what she gave me? NOTHING. An empty envelope.
Pretty much sums up our relationship. Dh was there when I opened it, and a neighbor, so I had WITNESSES.
Tell this old junker you will be unavailable over the holidays, blacklist his number and enjoy being with people you care about. (You know, just because he calls, you don't have to answer. Just sayin')
Where I live there are many people of Japanese ancestry around, including one extended family I know fairly well. They are some of the most courteous people you could ever meet! As far as "culture" influences how members of a particular ethnic group behave, Japanese culture here in America at least as I have observed it is very polite. Don't let "is it a cultural thing?" sidetrack you from seeing his behavior for what it is. If it helps, imagine some plain ol' white guy behaving as he does.
Also, Christmas for me is primarily a religious holiday celebrating religious concepts, but beyond that Christmas should be for kids! Not self-centered elderly people who can't behave. I vote for putting the kids' enjoyment of Christmas first.
What about talking to him man to man and saying "listen up. We would love to have you, but - " and frankly explaining that if he won't throw himself into the spirit of the occasion you see little point in ruining everybody's time together.
Or, do that, but also consider Thanksgiving a test. If he plays up, then at Christmas plan to see him and give him his share of Christmas cheer, but don't inflict him on the family. Perhaps there are churches or retirement communities he could spend the actual holiday with, instead?
I’ll tell you this. I did not host thanksgiving for family 2 years ago when we knew it would be my MILs last thanksgiving and I don’t feel guilty at all. No one behaves likes your Godfather (thank God). But no one every helps out, no offers to come over early to help cook or get the house ready and no one ever helps me to clean up afterward. The most I get is my SIL asking if I need her to bring anything, the NIGHT BEFORE after I’ve already done all the shopping! We had a nice thanksgiving at home with my parents and my husbands best friend and I don’t have a single regret. I did welcome my MIL to join us but she declined. We did not invite the rest of the family and again....zero regrets.
like waiting till he takes a bite of food to start talking and spitting his food on my plate🤢
Happy holidays.
Are you still friends with this woman. If so, ask if she would mind having dinner again and this time u will provide the food. Ask if it can be at her house. This way u can tell Godfather, sorry we have been invited to, lets say Shirley's house, and after last year, I can't in my right mind ask if u can come.
I think the name Godfather has lost its meaning. Has nothing to do with taking on the responsibility of raising a child if something should happen to the parents. It means that the person picked by the parents to be a God parent is to make sure the child is raised in the religion of the parents if for some reason they can't. Godparents are usually in the child's life as they grow up. They acknowledge birthdays and holidays. Are there for first Communion, Confirmation, graduations and weddings. Has this man done this for you? If not, I wouldn't call him a Godfather.
My DH had an Aunt, by marriage, who was invited to TG dinner at my in-laws. There was maybe 6 or 8 of us. My MIL put on a great meal. After we were done, the Aunt got up and went to the bathroom, which was right off the dining room, and threw up what she had eaten. We could hear her. She then came back and said "lets have dessert". I told my DH not to expect me to go to another dinner where the Aunt was present. Seems my MIL was not happy with her either because the next year Aunt wasn't invited.
As suggested, try TG but give him a warning. If he tries his stuff, tell him time to go. Japanese are big on respect, tell him its the last time he will disrespect u. Even if TG works out, I would just do Christmas with ur GF. And, you should tell him ahead that this year you have agreed to spend Christmas with each other and the kids. So, he will need to make other plans.
It sounds like your Aunt has that binge and purge disorder? Some people consider leftovers a real treat so I’m glad your family doesn’t invite her, that’s rude to the person cooking and especially foul when you all heard it from the table... yikes
id take my pie to the front porch lol
You and your family and friends deserve better.
With all the complaints about the guest, don't invite him this year.
Invite him - he will be himself - you know what he's like - what you're in for. It's only a few days.
Or if you think it's too much to put up with - cancel on him. Just sorry, going elsewhere this year.
Either way, you can decide that his behaviour, rude or not is his & has no influence on your day. "Oh him, yes he's like that".
It was indeed brought to my attention that could be the case as I read the responses... Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy them.
Regardless... we’re “not celebrating in town this year” so He has enough time to make arrangements at the casino, he definitely enjoys that place.
Don't invite him.
If you want to do something nice, drop off a plate to him that evening.
One could go out with him alone, the day before for a Turkey lunch or dinner...to Dennys or another coffee shop. Sit far enough away that his spit does not reach your plate, or put up a barrier to protect your plate.
Or, drop off a special lunch before you go where you are going.
If one is having dinner at the home of a food stamps recipient, instead of bringing a completely different meal to her dinner, give her a grocery gift card
in advance so she can prepare. Then ask if she would like you to bring something for dessert, and what would that be?
I feel for him, but he should appreciate that someone opens their home to him. Cudos to u for telling him how you felt last year. Stick by ur guns. He has made his bed. He either changes or remains on his own.
First being that he will be picked up at...and not to call, you will have your phone off and will not answer.
Second. If at ANY time he is rude or complains you will take him home. At the first rude or mean comment you get your coat, get his and drive him home. You can then return to your gathering. (If you don't want to do that then call a Cab, they can take him)
If he does not agree to any of this then he is not welcome and he can enjoy his holiday at the VA helping to serve Veterans and Active Service men and women that can not get home.