The on-going saga. I live with my 89 year old mother. I'm 65, retired, divorced no kids, good physical health and love my mother. Until recently, it was not a problem as mom was quite functional. She could walk without a cane or walker and drove short distances. I moved in with my mother after my divorce 20 years ago.
In the last month and a half, everything has gone downhill. My mom suffered a compression fracture in her back and became bedridden with extreme pain. On top of that she had a bad reaction to an insomnia drug that caused her to have an acute memory loss. I took her off the medication ASAP, but since then her memory has deteriorated. She has lost some of her balance and I feel she cannot be left alone. She gets through the house by furniture surfing which is possible since its a small house. She has had several falls.
Because of weakening condition, some cognitive loss and general uncertainty, I had her MD give a test for acuity which she passed., with some errors. I have talked to an attorney regarding a Power of Attorney (POA), in view of her deteriorating condition.
My main problem now is with my sister. She is 63 and lives 10 minutes away with her husband and one adult child. She is a bitter, unhappy person, whose main hobby when talking to my mother, is recriminating her for all the "things" my mother has done to her. She is either scolding her, railing against me (we have a rocky relationship), or berating my mother for some imagined fault. When my mother hangs up the phone, she is always upset. Her latest topic is the upcoming marriage of my niece. This is all she is obsessed with at the moment.. She refuses to come over and look in on mom. She refuses to recognize that mom is 89 and in poor health. She can only talk about herself and her children. She hates all our relatives for the imagined faults they have done to her. My aunt calls her a witch. I feel she has mental issues, but she refuses to seek help. She is the ultimate "Victim".
My biggest fear is that if she finds out I have a POA on Mom, she will go ballistic. I can't get her to sit down and talk about Mom' s problems, without degenerating into a screaming argument. How do I prepare myself for what looks to be a battle royal? I don't want to argue or expose myself to more abuse from her.
I don't really think technically she would need to be involved, given your mom requests that you are her POA...and when and if your sister finds out later, what would she even gain from having to do the work that a POA requires - and it's also very emotional....you are really doing her the favor and she really should appreciate it and thank you for it - I would present it that way later on down the road. I'm sorry to hear that your sister is the way she is - just like mine :-(
Wishing you the best.
:)
hug!!
you wrote:
“my sister is completely hands-off with any concern or care of my parents and she's selfish beyond belief - she and I used to be very close and this has torn our relationship apart”
i’m in the same situation as you. i’ve completed changed my opinion of my 3 brothers. i think they’re awful people - they exploit me, and care nothing about the consequences on my life. indeed, they want to sacrifice my life.
i help my parents. my brothers do nothing.
i look forward to karma/justice.
wishing everyone on this forum love, peace, happiness.
hug!!
bundle of joy :)
Her constant berating your mother and complaining is most certainly not good for your Mum and personally I would block her phone number and leave it for mum to ring her when she wants to. Yes sister will be up in arms, but if she cannot behave in a reasonable way towards a lady of 89 then she has to be treated like the child she is behaving as - whether it is mental illness or self indulgence. Your Mum AND you, deserve some peace from this.
She will clearly make all decisions on daughter's wedding so there is no point her even pretending to involve others - it is just attention seeking.
Go ahead and get the POA for your mother - when sister finds out, simply tell her that she didn't have time to discuss anything other that herself or you would have discussed with her. Tell her you will discuss any issues that arise before you make a decision but that you are going to be making the decisions as you have lived with and cared for your mother for the last 20 years and know what she wants - which has nothing to do with what your sister wants. I certainly would not tell her I was applying until after it was all sorted - provided mother is happy with this decision. (We do have to take our LO wishes into account when doing something like a POA - you can always have sister put on as a reserve which mother might prefer to sister not being involved at all, it might be useful in case anything happens to stop you acting anyway).
If it causes ructions so what - sister is causing those and complaining and being self centred and unreasonable already. Go for peace of mind for you and Mum and let sister moan all she likes afterwards - if its not the POA she will clearly be moaning about something, a little less contact with her sounds like it would make for a much more peaceful life for Mum and you - sister's loss, she is making her bed, so she can lie in it.
Quietly make the decisions when needed and inform her when it works for you.
Fixing the relationship would only be a break between boxing rounds. Instead, get yourself out of the ring.
It sounds like you eventually will not be pursuing a long term friendship with this woman (your sister) so why torture yourself by even engaging in a fight in the meantime?
if she starts screaming, calmly reply, “this is not up for discussion.” Legally, that is the truth, POA is the end of the story.
If she sues you, step back and let the attorneys fight on your behalf (that is what we are paying them to do, after all).
Anyone can basically sue anyone else for anything. Engaging in heated shouting matches (or battle royals) is unproductive and unhealthy.
Don’t “gear up”, just don’t engage.
Think also of your mom, her health and well being —there is no need to let her get hit by shrapnel from a war that is pointless.
I don't agree with ignoring her. I think if you haven't already, ask her sincerely what is bothering her and listen with an open heart. Sometimes there are parents that don't step up and try to heal sibling rivalry. I'm speaking from experience. I just feel it is a mother's place to express that she loves both of you and want you to get along. A LOT of mother's do not do this. Some instigate the division consciously or unconsciously. I don't mean to offend you.
Ask the lawyer if it means that you BOTH have to agree with every decision. With a person as unstable as your sister, I would worry what her opposition to Hospice, foregoing treatment and the like might engender.
Now, I'm trying to alleviate my mother's depression. I myself, get teary eyed as I recognize that Mom is dwindling slowly before my eyes. She is my best friend, and I will hate to lose her, however inevitable it may be. My father's death, 18 years ago, helped end my relationship with my ex wife as she could not stand to watch me cry continuously. It took me a full year to somewhat recover. But, what can you do? It's just the way things are.
(edit) I saw a post later that she had a competency test at her PCP...If she is found competent, then you get the POA and ignore sis. Until and unless she takes you to court it is mute.
Is your Mom aware enough & have faculties to say she wants you as POA. If so, problem solved. Take her to attorney with you. She just signs & papers notarized. Being POA just says that you are responsible for your mother’s care, (which you are) and medically & financially. If you decide Mom needs long term care, you can discuss with your sister but the final decision is yours.
it sounds like you need to discuss with your Mom if you can & soon. Then you can take care of your mother as you see best. Good luck to you
I would not tell her you were assigned for now. Too much going on in her life. Be aware that you shouldn't, nor do you have to, give sister any info on Moms finances. Keep good records. Do not combine monies.
You and Mom need to set boundries. Neither of you should take sister's abuse. When she gets started, tell Mom to say "I am hanging up" and do it.
You might pre-empt any grand scene, and avoid unfortunate timing, by choosing to inform her of the fact.
By the way, you don't have POA 'on' Mom. You have POA *for* her, to act on her behalf as to the best of your belief your mother would have done for herself before she lost her mental faculties.
Mom passed her competency test in a test with her primary MD. I've called the lawyer to set up an appointment next week. My mother told my sister that she had gone to her doctor to get a "sound of mind" evaluation. My sister did not make any comment. Two days ago, when the physical therapist came by, my mother mentioned that a physical therapist had come by the house in a phone conversation with my sister. Again, no comment. No "What did the therapist say?" or "How is your health?" Total silence. My mother is very disappointed with her. Obviously, we both felt that in tough times, families come together and support each other. No such luck.
Then insert the earplugs, unplug the phone, and lock the door.
Hope that the wedding takes up so much of her time and energy that she runs out of gas before she can get near you.
Then, ignore completely.
You need to make sure you do EVERYTHING legally! Was mom considered competent to sign POA?
Has your mom made you her Medical Representative (different than Medical PoA)? Did your mom create an Advanced Care Directive (Living Will)? Who is the executor of your mom’s Last Will? Hopefully she has one. May you receive peace in your heart over all of this drama.