Obtaining POA for 89 yr old Mom and dealing with difficult sister. How do I prepare myself for what looks to be a battle royal?

I’m sorry for your family drama — it’s a very common discussion on this forum. We don’t get to choose our family but we can choose to have boundaries to minimize dysfunctional interactions. Your mom doesn’t owe her daughter any explanation about her very logical decision to assign you as PoA. Often it is more efficient to have a single PoA, to which an only child like myself can testify. Assigning a PoA is not a declaration of love or affirmation. It’s a practical matter with serious ramifications if it goes south. It’s easier said than done but try not to fret about your sister’s reaction — that’s her problem, not yours. Don’t tell her until you really must. Don’t kick that hornet’s nest if you don’t have to.

Has your mom made you her Medical Representative (different than Medical PoA)? Did your mom create an Advanced Care Directive (Living Will)? Who is the executor of your mom’s Last Will? Hopefully she has one. May you receive peace in your heart over all of this drama.

Has mom been checked for a UTI? That could cause memory loss. Is mom seeing a geriatric doc? Family docs do not have the training or knowledge or experience to diagnose and treat the elderly, especially when it comes to dementia related problems.

You need to make sure you do EVERYTHING legally! Was mom considered competent to sign POA?

Move Heaven and a earth to get the POA in place before your sister finds out.

Then insert the earplugs, unplug the phone, and lock the door.

Hope that the wedding takes up so much of her time and energy that she runs out of gas before she can get near you.

Then, ignore completely.

To all interested,

Mom passed her competency test in a test with her primary MD. I've called the lawyer to set up an appointment next week. My mother told my sister that she had gone to her doctor to get a "sound of mind" evaluation. My sister did not make any comment. Two days ago, when the physical therapist came by, my mother mentioned that a physical therapist had come by the house in a phone conversation with my sister. Again, no comment. No "What did the therapist say?" or "How is your health?" Total silence. My mother is very disappointed with her. Obviously, we both felt that in tough times, families come together and support each other. No such luck.

Mother did have an UTI diagnosed at the hospital and was put on antibiotics .on her second ER visit. The pills are all gone. How do I check for this in the future?

It's none of your sister's business. Just keep repeating that with as much or as little vehemence as particular circumstances demand.

You might pre-empt any grand scene, and avoid unfortunate timing, by choosing to inform her of the fact.

By the way, you don't have POA 'on' Mom. You have POA *for* her, to act on her behalf as to the best of your belief your mother would have done for herself before she lost her mental faculties.

There’s no reason to discuss POA with your sister, or much of anything else. Give brief updates on mom when you talk, don’t argue over any of it as it will get you nowhere. Make sure mom has all documents, such as will and advance directive, complete and you know how to access them. And no talk of this with sister. Never attempt to put mom in the middle of the drama, not saying you have, just something to guard against. I have a bitter, negative sibling and have found giving out the least info with people like this gives less fire for them to rage over

I would not mention the POA. Just take Mom and get it done. If we want to get particular, You are the oldest. You r the one who lives with Mom. Your are the Caregiver who should always have POA. I would not even have her as a secondary if something should happen to you. I don't think she would carry out her responsibilities.

I would not tell her you were assigned for now. Too much going on in her life. Be aware that you shouldn't, nor do you have to, give sister any info on Moms finances. Keep good records. Do not combine monies.

You and Mom need to set boundries. Neither of you should take sister's abuse. When she gets started, tell Mom to say "I am hanging up" and do it.

Are you sure your sister would even want to be your mom's POA? It makes little sense for her to be. Don't be afraid of her reaction, because nowhere is it written that you have to let anyone, even family, "go ballistic" on you. Also, why are you trying to sit her down to talk about mom's problems, since she doesn't seem to care and she's so unpleasant to be around?

You know, at 70 I am so over the family drama. So they get mad. Its usually not warranted. I always tried to be careful of what I said or did around certain family members. I still do to a point but when I do say something that gets taken the wrong way, oh well. Your sister is going to continue the way she is until someone says "no more". Let her be mad. If she never talks to you again is that so bad? Doesn't seem she does much for Mom but make her life miserable. At 89 Mom does not deserve that. Why do you both feel you need to take the abuse? What can your sister do to you?

You don't tell her it is none of her business . Focus on yourself. And your loved one and divorce her. Find real friends .

I am POA for my Mom & thankfully my brother understood as she lives now in my state & I have her care even though she’s in a nursing home. Your sister could be listed secondary as my brother is in case something happens to you.
Is your Mom aware enough & have faculties to say she wants you as POA. If so, problem solved. Take her to attorney with you. She just signs & papers notarized. Being POA just says that you are responsible for your mother’s care, (which you are) and medically & financially. If you decide Mom needs long term care, you can discuss with your sister but the final decision is yours.
it sounds like you need to discuss with your Mom if you can & soon. Then you can take care of your mother as you see best. Good luck to you

you waited too long. Mom cannot grant a POA with a deteriorated memory. It should have been in place before hand. Now, you may have to battle. Sorry, but that's just life.
(edit) I saw a post later that she had a competency test at her PCP...If she is found competent, then you get the POA and ignore sis. Until and unless she takes you to court it is mute.

If your mother is competent she appoints the POA of her choice and sister can as one poster puts it: pound sand. At mom's age and with her frailties, it would be wise to have this done by mom working with an attorney who will be able to testify that mom is competent and is not being coerced. I doubt that you will effect any reconciliation with your sister. In a sense the problem here is her and her problems and you cannot change that. But if mom is competent, you can go ahead and help her to see a lawyer and do a power of attorney.

Update: Mom passed her competency test as performed by her primary Doctor. She made a few errors but overall, demonstrated that she is competent. The Doctor has agreed to provide the lawyer a letter attesting to her competency. Next week, I hope to have him draft the POA, revise the will to have me as an executor and generate a health directive, naming both her (my sister) and I.
Now, I'm trying to alleviate my mother's depression. I myself, get teary eyed as I recognize that Mom is dwindling slowly before my eyes. She is my best friend, and I will hate to lose her, however inevitable it may be. My father's death, 18 years ago, helped end my relationship with my ex wife as she could not stand to watch me cry continuously. It took me a full year to somewhat recover. But, what can you do? It's just the way things are.

Kaki, I would urge caution about having two people named as being able to make health care decisions.

Ask the lawyer if it means that you BOTH have to agree with every decision. With a person as unstable as your sister, I would worry what her opposition to Hospice, foregoing treatment and the like might engender.

I empathize with your situation. However, I can't help but wonder about your sister's feelings. Is there another family dynamic going on? I'm not so quick to make a judgement on sister. Do you two have different fathers or something that would make her feel like she is misunderstood or different? You stated you moved in after your divorce 20 years ago. That's a long time. It's possible your sister can feel like you get special treatment? We're you a care giver at that time? I'm asking these questions because I get the feeling maybe your sister's feelings were not acknowledged in some way.
I don't agree with ignoring her. I think if you haven't already, ask her sincerely what is bothering her and listen with an open heart. Sometimes there are parents that don't step up and try to heal sibling rivalry. I'm speaking from experience. I just feel it is a mother's place to express that she loves both of you and want you to get along. A LOT of mother's do not do this. Some instigate the division consciously or unconsciously. I don't mean to offend you.

Are you trying to avoid a lawsuit, avoid painful interactions, or fix a broken relationship that is toxic? Based on your fact pattern, I think these three roads lead to the same place.

Fixing the relationship would only be a break between boxing rounds. Instead, get yourself out of the ring.

It sounds like you eventually will not be pursuing a long term friendship with this woman (your sister) so why torture yourself by even engaging in a fight in the meantime?

if she starts screaming, calmly reply, “this is not up for discussion.” Legally, that is the truth, POA is the end of the story.

If she sues you, step back and let the attorneys fight on your behalf (that is what we are paying them to do, after all).

Anyone can basically sue anyone else for anything. Engaging in heated shouting matches (or battle royals) is unproductive and unhealthy.

Don’t “gear up”, just don’t engage.

Think also of your mom, her health and well being —there is no need to let her get hit by shrapnel from a war that is pointless.

Your sister certainly sounds to have problems - maybe grounded in some trauma when young, maybe mental and narcissism based.
Her constant berating your mother and complaining is most certainly not good for your Mum and personally I would block her phone number and leave it for mum to ring her when she wants to. Yes sister will be up in arms, but if she cannot behave in a reasonable way towards a lady of 89 then she has to be treated like the child she is behaving as - whether it is mental illness or self indulgence. Your Mum AND you, deserve some peace from this.
She will clearly make all decisions on daughter's wedding so there is no point her even pretending to involve others - it is just attention seeking.

Go ahead and get the POA for your mother - when sister finds out, simply tell her that she didn't have time to discuss anything other that herself or you would have discussed with her. Tell her you will discuss any issues that arise before you make a decision but that you are going to be making the decisions as you have lived with and cared for your mother for the last 20 years and know what she wants - which has nothing to do with what your sister wants. I certainly would not tell her I was applying until after it was all sorted - provided mother is happy with this decision. (We do have to take our LO wishes into account when doing something like a POA - you can always have sister put on as a reserve which mother might prefer to sister not being involved at all, it might be useful in case anything happens to stop you acting anyway).

If it causes ructions so what - sister is causing those and complaining and being self centred and unreasonable already. Go for peace of mind for you and Mum and let sister moan all she likes afterwards - if its not the POA she will clearly be moaning about something, a little less contact with her sounds like it would make for a much more peaceful life for Mum and you - sister's loss, she is making her bed, so she can lie in it.

Oh my gosh...it sounds like you and I have the same sister (unfortunately)! - and I am also going thru struggles with my sister as well so I can totally understand - my sister is completely hands-off with any concern or care of my parents and she's selfish beyond belief - she and I used to be very close and this has torn our relationship apart. I am also divorced, no kids, and can completely relate to your concerns. From doing my own research on this topic and having spoken to an estate lawyer, he advised that a POA is very important to put in place while the elderly parent or family member is still cognitively competent - otherwise, it becomes much more complicated and having to go thru the court system. So, timing is important not to wait on such things. Also, I believe it's up to your mom to decide who she wants to name as her POA - and it's a big responsibility and it involves time and energy in making decisions and carrying them out...and the way your sister sounds and is so hands-off, she actually should be really relieved that you would assume the role. You are taking the responsibility off of her.

I don't really think technically she would need to be involved, given your mom requests that you are her POA...and when and if your sister finds out later, what would she even gain from having to do the work that a POA requires - and it's also very emotional....you are really doing her the favor and she really should appreciate it and thank you for it - I would present it that way later on down the road. I'm sorry to hear that your sister is the way she is - just like mine :-(
Wishing you the best.

I had a similar problem when my mom was diagnosed with dementia as your mom done a will and if so are you or your sister administrators

Hi friend ,I’m in the same boat , mums 90 with CAA DEMENTIA and I’m doing everything I can to get her into an aged care facility in same state as myself and my older sister , my sister who has a husband and is wealthy ,compared to my welfare situation and public housing . My jealous sister is sitting back blaming and hindering my attempts to get my mum safe and into care , excusing me that I am in it for money ( ummm what money ? It will all go on her care and so it should)!.. she has no idea what I have to do on a daily basis .
You know how it is ,it’s application after email after phone call day in day out . it’s a job no one wants but someone has to and you need others in the family to support you if they can’t directly help ,all I want is to have mum in same state so I can watch how she is treated in the facility, and visit her daily .
I don’t have an answer for you because I’m still in the jungle with you ,trying to find pathways to getting mum safe !
But I will say one thing I’m an Empath and it’s sounds very much like you are also .Empaths do things altruistically out of love and loyalty ,not for self gain .on the other hand ... my sister and by what you’ve told us about your sister - exhibit Narcacistic traits and unfortunately , they can not relate to or have empathy for anyone other than things ,situations and people that directly impact them or do something for them ( this is not a professional opinion just an observation) ...sadly they will have to live with the guilt of not doing their best for all concerned... you on the other hand , although exhausted ,will be able to know in your heart ♥️ as will your mother know when she goes into the spirit world , that you did your very best for her , ( in my opinion)suffering for the sake of others is the highest form of love 💗 good luck you are doing a great thing .

Kaki, I see that you do have a plan in motion. The idea of naming 2 persons to jointly hold the power to make health care decisions - if that is what your mother wants - can be tricky in practice. Sometimes whoever is listed first is considered the decision maker in a case of disagreement between the 2 persons - but sometimes the care team wants both people to come to an agreement. If your sister is the alternate, that indicates that she is involved in your mother's care but not necessarily the decision maker.
I am the POA for my mother but the lawyer wrote in a sentence that I need to consult with/communicate with my 3 siblings before I make a decision. That is what my mother wanted. Just a thought.

Proceed with your plans for Durable Power of Attorney, including a Living Will. Nothing will be gained by trying to compromise with your sister's lifetime of bitterness for real or imagined slights.
Unfortunately, this type of situation brings out the flaws in family loyalties. So, she goes ballistic. You don't have a relationship with her to save, and you may have to limit her access to your mother for her well being. Stay focused on your plan to assure your vulnerable mother enjoys some quality of life for her limited years.

If your mom is still deemed capable and appoints you her POA/DPOA there is no battle for your sister to have with you. Now sounds like she might get on your mom about it which would be horrible but that only shows more of her (your sisters) true colors. If you do this through a competent attorney I’m sure they will tell you that while in most circumstances it’s best to be up front and inform everyone of the plans for moms aging it isn’t necessary so unless there are other family members who you feel need to know I would simply not advertise. Don’t hide it but don’t offer the info that her legal, both financial and medical, unless someone asks. Even when they do just say yes it’s all taken care of.

Also if it does come up or you need to inform your sister for some unknown reason, you might just focus on the medical side of it. It was necessary for someone to have medical POA and since you are dealing with her medications and doctors appointments the attorney felt it should be you. If your sister puts up a stick then fine if she wants to take over moms care you will gladly hand it over, in this particular case I’m not sure offering the option of both of you having this responsibility is wise since your relationship is so strained.

The other thing I would urge you to remember when speaking and thinking about this is you don’t have POA “over” your mom you have it “for” her, I know seems a small difference but a significant one when you think about it. While in actuality may you the ability to do pretty much anything, technically it doesn’t give you the authority with your mom still considered competent.

Don't let the fear of your sisters wrath stop you from getting your mothers legal affairs in order ASAP and hide behind the attorney if you need to, they should be used to this. Good luck.

Hello and GET THE POA NOW! TODAY!!! Do it for not only your mothers best interest, but for YOUR sake as well. And do it NOW before your mother’s health declines any further so that NOBODY can contest it based on ANYTHING such as moms “state of mind” or in capabilities, because I GUARANTEE 150% that somebody WILL try to contest it!
If I seem to be coming across a tad ‘aggressive’ it is because I AM! And Kaki, I am only doing so out of the luv and compassion that we family caregivers have for each other. And out of an urgent instinct to protect our commarades from the difficulties we learned the hard ways during our caregiver journey.

susan xoxo

Kaki3152 ~ Might I add that a POA ends at death, therefore, if your Mom doesn't have a will, she should, even if she doesn't "own" property. An elder law attorney should get all necessary paperwork done in one or two visits. Yes, it will cost, but headaches after your Mom passes can be avoided if YOU are named sole executor.

When my Mom was in her final years, I, too, was helping her with her checkbook. My Mom handled the family finances all her life. At the end she was making mistakes in adding and subtracting and her checkbook was a mess. I can't tell you how many times I needed to rewrite her checkbook register.

She was experiencing loss of short term memory. Does your Mom own the home she lives in? Is her name only on utility bills? In the last few years, we went over all her assets and accounts. My brother and sister were not caregiving our Mother and pretty much ignored the reality that "someone" was going to need to step up and take care of these things. It sucks being the only competent/reliable sibling in a family. Therefore, I hired an expert elder law attorney to draw up a will and my Mom named me sole executor because she knew I could handle everything and would carry out her wishes (I am the youngest of 3). My Mom had a few small life insurance policies that were changed to me being the sole beneficiary. My name was on her joint bank accounts with me as payable to me upon her death. All this was done to avoid ANY disagreements. Our Mom discussed with me numerous times what she wanted to happen after she was gone. I discussed this with my sister and brother because they avoided these conversations with our mother. They didn't have a problem with any of the above because they didn't want to do any of the "work" involved in handling issues after someone dies. Nice, huh?

I kept METICULOUS records of income and expenses after our mother passed so there could be no issues. Everything was equally distributed in the long run. If you have been living with your Mom for 20 years, I hope there is a will in place if she owns her home. You seem to be her primary caregiver and know her best. Your sister seems to care little for anyone but herself. Your best protection is to be prepared legally.

Your Mom seems to want to tell your sister everything that's happening (POA etc) -- oh, and a health care proxy should have only you as decision maker if you feel your sister would be argumentative and not have your Mom's wishes in mind -- and that's okay. As people get older, they want to talk to anyone who will have a conversation with them, even if it upsets them. So, just get everything done paperwork-wise NOW and it will be done. Someone has to be in charge and you're it. You don't even have to tell your sister anything if you don't want to. If your sister doesn't like it, well so what. I doubt she will physically take your Mom to another attorney and change anything you both put it place. These type of siblings have a lot to say, but when push comes to shove, they don't want to actually "do" anything that will create work for them. It's typical.

My advice would be to try to avoid your sister and take care of Mom the best you can. Confront her ONCE if you must, say your peace, and be done with her. Tell her she is upsetting your Mom with her phone conversations and if it continues, you will end those in short order. You don't need to continue a toxic relationship with your sister. That's YOUR decision. Your sister sounds pretty narcissistic so calling her out about these upsetting conversations with your Mom probably won't phase her. Keep the conversations going with your Mom in a calm manner and assure her you are taking care of everything and love her very much. Just do your best for Mom and you will have no regrets after she's gone.

POA TODAY! NOW TODAY!

Key is get that POA for health and finance while keeping in mind they are voided upon death. Do not put her as a co-POA. Consult with lawyer for best way to be in charge of all of your mother's estate such as an executor. Another possibility is for you to be made guardian.

My stepmother had to have her number removed from her father's phone so he could no longer call her after many abusive calls. Perhaps screen for mom?

I think tbh it puts you in a negative light to go to so much effort to malign your sister even down to her being excited and involved in your nieces wedding you strangely describe as her being “obsessed” and could cause some to wonder who the difficult one is. Either way with siblings there’s always two sides and she’s not here to speak for herself so it’s best to focus on your own life and what you do or don’t want to do to help your mom. You moved in with your mother 20 years ago when she would’ve only been in her late 60’s, it doesn’t sound like you moved in with her back then bc she needed caregiving ( correct if wrong but based on what you wrote it doesn’t sound like you moved in with her bc she needed someone to do caregiving)