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The on-going saga. I live with my 89 year old mother. I'm 65, retired, divorced no kids, good physical health and love my mother. Until recently, it was not a problem as mom was quite functional. She could walk without a cane or walker and drove short distances. I moved in with my mother after my divorce 20 years ago.
In the last month and a half, everything has gone downhill. My mom suffered a compression fracture in her back and became bedridden with extreme pain. On top of that she had a bad reaction to an insomnia drug that caused her to have an acute memory loss. I took her off the medication ASAP, but since then her memory has deteriorated. She has lost some of her balance and I feel she cannot be left alone. She gets through the house by furniture surfing which is possible since its a small house. She has had several falls.
Because of weakening condition, some cognitive loss and general uncertainty, I had her MD give a test for acuity which she passed., with some errors. I have talked to an attorney regarding a Power of Attorney (POA), in view of her deteriorating condition.
My main problem now is with my sister. She is 63 and lives 10 minutes away with her husband and one adult child. She is a bitter, unhappy person, whose main hobby when talking to my mother, is recriminating her for all the "things" my mother has done to her. She is either scolding her, railing against me (we have a rocky relationship), or berating my mother for some imagined fault. When my mother hangs up the phone, she is always upset. Her latest topic is the upcoming marriage of my niece. This is all she is obsessed with at the moment.. She refuses to come over and look in on mom. She refuses to recognize that mom is 89 and in poor health. She can only talk about herself and her children. She hates all our relatives for the imagined faults they have done to her. My aunt calls her a witch. I feel she has mental issues, but she refuses to seek help. She is the ultimate "Victim".


My biggest fear is that if she finds out I have a POA on Mom, she will go ballistic. I can't get her to sit down and talk about Mom' s problems, without degenerating into a screaming argument. How do I prepare myself for what looks to be a battle royal? I don't want to argue or expose myself to more abuse from her.

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Move Heaven and a earth to get the POA in place before your sister finds out.

Then insert the earplugs, unplug the phone, and lock the door.

Hope that the wedding takes up so much of her time and energy that she runs out of gas before she can get near you.

Then, ignore completely.
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Sarah3 Aug 2021
You do realize this would be considered close to elder abuse correct?
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I’m sorry for your family drama — it’s a very common discussion on this forum. We don’t get to choose our family but we can choose to have boundaries to minimize dysfunctional interactions. Your mom doesn’t owe her daughter any explanation about her very logical decision to assign you as PoA. Often it is more efficient to have a single PoA, to which an only child like myself can testify. Assigning a PoA is not a declaration of love or affirmation. It’s a practical matter with serious ramifications if it goes south. It’s easier said than done but try not to fret about your sister’s reaction — that’s her problem, not yours. Don’t tell her until you really must. Don’t kick that hornet’s nest if you don’t have to.

Has your mom made you her Medical Representative (different than Medical PoA)? Did your mom create an Advanced Care Directive (Living Will)? Who is the executor of your mom’s Last Will? Hopefully she has one. May you receive peace in your heart over all of this drama.
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There’s no reason to discuss POA with your sister, or much of anything else. Give brief updates on mom when you talk, don’t argue over any of it as it will get you nowhere. Make sure mom has all documents, such as will and advance directive, complete and you know how to access them. And no talk of this with sister. Never attempt to put mom in the middle of the drama, not saying you have, just something to guard against. I have a bitter, negative sibling and have found giving out the least info with people like this gives less fire for them to rage over
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Kaki, I would urge caution about having two people named as being able to make health care decisions.

Ask the lawyer if it means that you BOTH have to agree with every decision. With a person as unstable as your sister, I would worry what her opposition to Hospice, foregoing treatment and the like might engender.
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You know, at 70 I am so over the family drama. So they get mad. Its usually not warranted. I always tried to be careful of what I said or did around certain family members. I still do to a point but when I do say something that gets taken the wrong way, oh well. Your sister is going to continue the way she is until someone says "no more". Let her be mad. If she never talks to you again is that so bad? Doesn't seem she does much for Mom but make her life miserable. At 89 Mom does not deserve that. Why do you both feel you need to take the abuse? What can your sister do to you?
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Don't involve or even inform your sister. Do the things you need to to set up the POA and get paperwork in order. Arrange the things your mother needs. If necessary, have calls from your sister blocked.
When she goes ballistic at being excluded or not informed, let her steam away by herself.
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It's none of your sister's business. Just keep repeating that with as much or as little vehemence as particular circumstances demand.

You might pre-empt any grand scene, and avoid unfortunate timing, by choosing to inform her of the fact.

By the way, you don't have POA 'on' Mom. You have POA *for* her, to act on her behalf as to the best of your belief your mother would have done for herself before she lost her mental faculties.
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kaki3152 Aug 2021
Yes, you're correct. I was using written shorthand, Also, I have my own finances to worry about. All I'm doing so far is helping her with her checkbook. My mother carried the books in my parent's marriage and is used to doing the finances on her house.
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I would not mention the POA. Just take Mom and get it done. If we want to get particular, You are the oldest. You r the one who lives with Mom. Your are the Caregiver who should always have POA. I would not even have her as a secondary if something should happen to you. I don't think she would carry out her responsibilities.

I would not tell her you were assigned for now. Too much going on in her life. Be aware that you shouldn't, nor do you have to, give sister any info on Moms finances. Keep good records. Do not combine monies.

You and Mom need to set boundries. Neither of you should take sister's abuse. When she gets started, tell Mom to say "I am hanging up" and do it.
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kaki3152 Aug 2021
That's exactly what happens
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I’m sorry that you’re so concerned about your sister’s temper tantrums. Maybe suggest she get therapy. Or a binkie.

All fun aside, it’s obvious she has a tremendous amount of power over you. Her behavior is abusive, both to you and your mother. I have a rebellious nature, so I have no problem telling a bully where to go. But we are all different kind of people, and that’s okay. I would just ask, what has “playing nice” with her ever gotten you?

My mother-in-law (who I now care for) was very much like that until the dementia set in. Crying, stomping feet, screaming, throwing temper tantrums like she was two years old. When I first met my husband and I saw her behavior I was so shocked. I’d never seen a grown adult act like such a baby - like a toddler crying in a grocery store over candy.

Why did she do it? THE POWER it gave her. She ruled with fear. “Oh no! Better not make Mama mad!” My husband, his sister, and their dad lived in constant fear of her tantrums.

No audience, no temper tantrums. You CHOOSE to let her in. Listen to her. Don’t give her that power.

Get the POA for your mom. If your sister starts screaming or becomes abusive, lay down the rules. “You can’t be around mom if you’re going to be abusive.” “No, I’m not going to listen if you’re screaming at me,” and hang up the phone. Shut the door. Don’t scream. Don’t get riled up. Stay in control. You can’t change her, but you can change your own life, and you’ll be much happier for it, not constantly living in fear.
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Angelica357 Aug 2021
Yes! Great advice. Redirect yourself.

You can file a harassment lawsuit.

Also, you can make a citizen’s arrest.
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Are you trying to avoid a lawsuit, avoid painful interactions, or fix a broken relationship that is toxic? Based on your fact pattern, I think these three roads lead to the same place.

Fixing the relationship would only be a break between boxing rounds. Instead, get yourself out of the ring.

It sounds like you eventually will not be pursuing a long term friendship with this woman (your sister) so why torture yourself by even engaging in a fight in the meantime?

if she starts screaming, calmly reply, “this is not up for discussion.” Legally, that is the truth, POA is the end of the story.

If she sues you, step back and let the attorneys fight on your behalf (that is what we are paying them to do, after all).

Anyone can basically sue anyone else for anything. Engaging in heated shouting matches (or battle royals) is unproductive and unhealthy.

Don’t “gear up”, just don’t engage.

Think also of your mom, her health and well being —there is no need to let her get hit by shrapnel from a war that is pointless.
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Angelica357 Aug 2021
Yes!
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