Follow
Share

The on-going saga. I live with my 89 year old mother. I'm 65, retired, divorced no kids, good physical health and love my mother. Until recently, it was not a problem as mom was quite functional. She could walk without a cane or walker and drove short distances. I moved in with my mother after my divorce 20 years ago.
In the last month and a half, everything has gone downhill. My mom suffered a compression fracture in her back and became bedridden with extreme pain. On top of that she had a bad reaction to an insomnia drug that caused her to have an acute memory loss. I took her off the medication ASAP, but since then her memory has deteriorated. She has lost some of her balance and I feel she cannot be left alone. She gets through the house by furniture surfing which is possible since its a small house. She has had several falls.
Because of weakening condition, some cognitive loss and general uncertainty, I had her MD give a test for acuity which she passed., with some errors. I have talked to an attorney regarding a Power of Attorney (POA), in view of her deteriorating condition.
My main problem now is with my sister. She is 63 and lives 10 minutes away with her husband and one adult child. She is a bitter, unhappy person, whose main hobby when talking to my mother, is recriminating her for all the "things" my mother has done to her. She is either scolding her, railing against me (we have a rocky relationship), or berating my mother for some imagined fault. When my mother hangs up the phone, she is always upset. Her latest topic is the upcoming marriage of my niece. This is all she is obsessed with at the moment.. She refuses to come over and look in on mom. She refuses to recognize that mom is 89 and in poor health. She can only talk about herself and her children. She hates all our relatives for the imagined faults they have done to her. My aunt calls her a witch. I feel she has mental issues, but she refuses to seek help. She is the ultimate "Victim".


My biggest fear is that if she finds out I have a POA on Mom, she will go ballistic. I can't get her to sit down and talk about Mom' s problems, without degenerating into a screaming argument. How do I prepare myself for what looks to be a battle royal? I don't want to argue or expose myself to more abuse from her.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
So what happens when your sister goes ballistic?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I also have a vindictive sibling and am a POA for my father. My advice is to keep records of everything, all the time you spend and all the money you spend, in case your sister challenges you. I've discussed some decisions with my sibling to be polite and make him feel like his input is valued, but it has always come back to bite me. The less communication with that kind of person, the better.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

"The Treasury Department does not recognize power of attorney for negotiating federal payments, including Social Security or SSI checks. This means, if you have power of attorney for someone who is incapable of managing his or her own benefits, you must still apply to serve as his or her payee."

"Yes, Medicare recognizes power of attorney as legal authorization when someone else is acting on behalf of the beneficiary. ... Even a spouse can't enroll in a Medicare Supplement plan without the Durable Power of Attorney. If you wish to make healthcare decisions for another person, you'll need to apply."
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Don't discuss the POA. It's done so no point in creating more family drama. It gives you permission to handle things for your mom and you're already doing that. If she's never asked you if you have one, I'd let it go and continue on with mom's management as you've been doing. If anything is said, just tell sis you have it because you and mom live together, you handle the day to day finances and decisions for now. If you named her as a secondary, then tell her that. Then refuse to discuss it any further. If she questions what you are spending, let her see the books. No financial secrets/surprises for anyone later on. Be open --- if she brings it up.

As for mom's problems - have her checked for a urinary infection. Very likely after the issues she had. Take her to a pain management or osteo dr regarding the compression fracture. There is a procedure that can be performed for the fracture where they inject or put some sort of cement type material in the fracture. Helped my mom a lot with the pain. Also, ask the doctor about a daily shot that you do at home called Forteo. You do it daily for 2 years to build bone. My mother's bone density test after the two years is a normal range again and hers was a seriously low number prior to forteo. Dr said they don't prescribe it until after a patient has bone breaks or fractures like you described.

After one compression fracture, there will be more. Even sitting down too hard can do it. Perhaps drs can help you manage this problem now.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Get the POA, Healthcare Representative paperwork done as soon as possible. That will give you legal legs to stand on. Is there away you can limit the phone time between your mom and your sister—“oh, mom’s asleep”. . Like many of us here have found out, there are family members who don’t want to truly participate in their loved one’s care or help the caregiver. Let go of those hopes and expectations. At some point keeping your mom at home may become too much—many here will attest to that. Assisted living facilities have apartments with different tiers of care, one of which could fit your mom. That might reduce the vicious entanglement your sister creates. Short term therapy to armament yourself might help too. This may feel like you’re taking time from your mom, but it could put you in a much better frame of mind, which all caregivers can use!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your moms story is like mine but I don't live with her as I have my own house n husband n adult child living with me. But I do have POA n none of my family will question me on anything cause in a second I would tell them to back off as you will need to do the same. You are the one in charge. I would inform your sister to not discuss her problems with your mom. Your taking care of your mom not her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Try to get the POA, Trust and Will done ASAP. Your sister is not facing the reality of your mother's situation or yours. You live with her, and can see and deal with the ramifications of her various illnesses.
I brought both my sisters to my mother's appointment and had the doctor explain to all of us, including my mother, what her various diagnosis were and the prognosis.
Your are a human being, all you can do is the best you can. If your sister can't control herself and won't bother to spend the time to really look at the medical situation then ask, or tell her to leave.
You do not have to be verbally abused by her and neither does your mother.
This forum has tons of information on issues you might not be dealing with yet but just reading it will give you insight.
Good luck with all of this and God Bless!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

kaki3152: Imho, do not engage in the acrimonious tone of your sister. Proceed with being the agent of your mother/PoA.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

You have EVERY right to have taken out a POA on mom . Only you are your mothers caregiver devoting the last 20 years to her ! You love her , tend to all her needs , are devoted , etc . To hell with your angry, bitter sister . I have a sister like this too but she managed to become my moms POA. It’s fine as my mom has little savings , owns nothing , etc . I refuse to get so stressed out anymore & argue with her constantly about my 96 year old mom who still lives alone except for 12 hours of an aide each week. I feel for you 😢
.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Once you have POA you will be making the decisions for your mother that she won't be able to make for herself. This is not an easy job. Your sister will have to accept it. I advise that you be very "business- like" with your sister when it comes to specific questions she may have. If she is like mine, nothing will ever satisfy her, anyway.
My heart goes out to you for the upcoming events. I know.... I've been battling with my sister for several years now. She always plays the victim. I found out pretty quickly that arguing does not solve anything. Be prepared to disconnect from her if you need to.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

So sorry you are in a "drama" state with silly Sis. You have gotten some great advice and suggestions here. Glad to know that you have appt scheduled with an Attorney. Make sure the Power of Attorney is Durable (which means it stays in effect if Mom become incompetent. May not be an issue in your state but that can get sticky in some places when there is a "drama" sibling. There should be no problem getting the VIDs (very important documents) as long as Mom is still competent, so don't forget an updated Will (with you an executor), an Advanced Directive and a Medical Proxy. See that your attorney retains a copy of everything in his/her office. Then make loads of copies for yourself to be given to appropriate facilities (hospital, doctors, rehab centers, etc).
And speaking of doctors.... it may be time to find a new one for Mom if they can't find a way to have her seen by another doctor in the practice until Sept! Check with friends Mom's age and see if they have recommendations. A geriatric specialist would be welcome but in some locations they can be hard to find.

Re: your silly, self absorbed sister .... there is unfortunately nothing you can do about her. She isn't going to change after all these years and you definitely can't help anyone who doesn't think they have a problem. Sadly, she is what she is and you can't expect any help from her. I wouldn't bother to tell her that you are getting the VIDs.... just get them. Yes.... if and when you have to make some decisions for your Mom, she will go ballistic as you expect. Ignore her. If she gets stupid on the phone advise her "hanging up now. Will talk to you when you are more rational" and then really hang up! Neither you or your Mom need to be upset by her nonsense so don't permit it to happen. Unfortunately, I would guard against leaving her alone with Mom as she is subject to try to get Mom to sign a "new " PoA giving her control. I have seen that happen far too often.

Sending prayers and wishing you peace on this difficult journey.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Riley2166 Aug 2021
Get the proper legal advice and papers in order so YOU can handle the decisions for your mother and then follow through. As to your sister, do NOT discuss anything with her. Hang up or change your phone number if she is not willing to sit down and discuss things. Perhaps it might be time to walk away from your sister so she does not keep trying to destroy you and wreck havoc. Why do you want someone like this in your life?
(3)
Report
I’m sorry that you’re so concerned about your sister’s temper tantrums. Maybe suggest she get therapy. Or a binkie.

All fun aside, it’s obvious she has a tremendous amount of power over you. Her behavior is abusive, both to you and your mother. I have a rebellious nature, so I have no problem telling a bully where to go. But we are all different kind of people, and that’s okay. I would just ask, what has “playing nice” with her ever gotten you?

My mother-in-law (who I now care for) was very much like that until the dementia set in. Crying, stomping feet, screaming, throwing temper tantrums like she was two years old. When I first met my husband and I saw her behavior I was so shocked. I’d never seen a grown adult act like such a baby - like a toddler crying in a grocery store over candy.

Why did she do it? THE POWER it gave her. She ruled with fear. “Oh no! Better not make Mama mad!” My husband, his sister, and their dad lived in constant fear of her tantrums.

No audience, no temper tantrums. You CHOOSE to let her in. Listen to her. Don’t give her that power.

Get the POA for your mom. If your sister starts screaming or becomes abusive, lay down the rules. “You can’t be around mom if you’re going to be abusive.” “No, I’m not going to listen if you’re screaming at me,” and hang up the phone. Shut the door. Don’t scream. Don’t get riled up. Stay in control. You can’t change her, but you can change your own life, and you’ll be much happier for it, not constantly living in fear.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Angelica357 Aug 2021
Yes! Great advice. Redirect yourself.

You can file a harassment lawsuit.

Also, you can make a citizen’s arrest.
(1)
Report
Don't involve or even inform your sister. Do the things you need to to set up the POA and get paperwork in order. Arrange the things your mother needs. If necessary, have calls from your sister blocked.
When she goes ballistic at being excluded or not informed, let her steam away by herself.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I feel for you and your mother. It must be difficult for your Mom not to feel like she has done something wrong in raising your sister. Give her kudos for hanging up, and then let her know that it is not her fault that your sister refuses to get help.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Make sure that all of your mother's paperwork is in order while she is still able to sign legal papers. It's your mother's choice who should be POA. And it's good to have a second person, in case something happens to the first POA. Your mother needs a living will with her medical directives, POA for financial and medical matters, a will (she has assets, such as the house), the POA needs to be on file with Medicare and Social Security as someone who can speak on your mother's behalf, most financial institutions have their own POA forms, and if your mother has a credit card account, the POA should have a card with their name on it. You will probably need an attorney for some of this. You don't need to discuss it with your sister, if your sister is not going to be the POA. The main thing is for you and your mother to have a plan for what should happen if your mother's health declines and she needs more care.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
kaki3152 Aug 2021
The POA is in process, hopefully will be done this week. As soon as the Dr. issues the sound mental health letter, the lawyer will come over and discuss my mother's wishes. Thanks for the reminder about the POA needing to be on file with her Medicare and Social Security. I also imagine it has to be on file with her Health Insurance which is Govt Service Blue Shield of California. I already have a credit card with my name on it. About ten years ago, when Mom started getting more frail, she put my name on her CC so she could have me buy for her (Meds, food, etc.). I've never told my sister as she would have a fit. Unfortunately, with Sis, if I told her in one of her more lucid moments, she would not say a thing. BUT in the heat of an argument, she would bring it out, accuse me of stealing, saying Mom loves me more, she was never loved, etc. It's extremely hard to believe she is soon to be 64 years old.
(4)
Report
Before reading any of the other answers on here, if this were me, I would probably write a brief letter explaining how upsetting her calls are to Mom and you and that if she cannot be civil and pleasant, that you both will go "No Contact". And then do just that.

You have a lot on your shoulders now, and having peace is very important. You and your Mom need that.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
kaki3152 Aug 2021
I would love to but Mom and her have a tenuous relationship that I don't want to infringe on. When the phone conversation gets heated , one or both hang up. I stay out of it.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
I am amazed at some of the phenomenal answers that are posted in response to questions we may have.

I am going through much the same with my mom and posted recently. What I don't understand is if you have been living with your mom for the past twenty years, why would your sister even question whether or not you have POA. I could be wrong, but I would assume that it is you who takes her to all of her doctor visits. Doesn't really sound like your sister has much time for your mom anyhow.

My mom is 91 and in an assisted living facility for 9 months now. About three years ago I was very concerned about mom's mental status and had the doctor test her. SHE PASSED the test. 100%. WHAT? She even knew the name of the building where her doctor is at! That doesn't mean that when we left the doctor's office that she couldn't answer a simple question.

I was the only one who took mom to doctor appointments for over 25 years, and that was tough. Trust me, I am very angry with my siblings for not helping.

From what I understand from some of the responses I had from my post, POA is the easiest to get. If you decide to do guardianship or conservatorship, all siblings will be contacted to see how they feel about you being in charge. Maybe at that time they will decide to be in charge, which may or may not be a good thing. In my situation, I am going to talk with an attorney today about POA.

Assisted living was a good choice for my mom. Sounds like it might be good for your mom as well. If she is falling a lot at home, it would make your life easier. Fortunately for my mom she does have long term care insurance which helps a lot. I am very concerned that mom will fall on my watch - so much so that I am afraid to take her out to eat which she so desperately wants. She does not walk (so she says) at the facility where she is at.

Good luck to you and your mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
kaki3152 Aug 2021
I can't really get her into assisted living at this point. She is cogent, happy in her house and stubborn as hell. If the situation should deteriorate, I would consider it. Right now (I look at these things day by day). she has a good appetite, good bowel, is wide awake and relatively happy.

My mother does not have long term insurance. We would have to sell the house, to provide the funding for any extended period. I had an elder aunt who fell into this category. My cousins, one a Retired US Army Colonel and his elder brother who was a Ret USMC Vietnam CH-53 pilot ,, sold my aunt's house to pay for the extended care. She ended up outliving the money provided for the extended care and was returned back to the care of my cousins. She ended up dying soon after at 94 .
(1)
Report
I actually just went through this very thing! Mom assigned me as her POA and added my control of her body after death! I was forced to wave my power as Mom got sick and was intubated in ICU. She was not expected to survive or I’d not have contacted my two siblings. Mom has been living in my home for 22 years! No one has helped us. My two siblings simply wanted to come say goodbye to Mom at the hospital for their closure! They actually said that! Problem was they are anti vaxxers and had active COVID at the time! Yes, I know…you can’t write this stuff! So I said NO. There will be no visits at this time. It’s been two months since Mom made a full recovery and we’re back to radio silence! I should add they’ve had no contact with Mom during the 22 years she’s been living in my home. To get away from an abusive marriage from my own father she felt forced to sign her assets over to Dad to be eligible for Medicaid and SSI. Thus Mom owns only what my husband and I’ve bought for her! Mom was afraid to fight my Dad as he has a temper. So my siblings desiring closure while they were infected with COVID was ludicrous in my mind! Once Mom recovered they again lost all interest! Basically, they hate being told no.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

You will need an attorney to go to the probate hearing with you, to gain POA.
My sister was the absolute worst! The good part is, she cant hide it ever. Every time she opens her mouth, she shows who she is, and the probate judge believed it and appointed me.
I won’t go into the following years of hell as she critiqued every decision, trying her best to hang onto our mothers checkbook.
She was living in a condo in Jupiter Florida, all paid for by a mother being “guilted.”
The judge cut her off that day.
The “conspiracy” that I was robbing, dissolved.
Its a thankless job and it will be hard, because of your sister.
“No good deed, goes unpunished.”
Having a seasoned probate attorney, makes all the difference to the judge.
Good luck ~
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Angelica357 Aug 2021
Yes !!! Your true colors will be seen!
(1)
Report
I would not say anything to your sister and continue to do everything I could to gain control as soon as possible. This includes adding name to the bank accounts and bills so that when the time comes, you won't run into issues later. If she owns a house and is still able enough to add your name to it that would be helpful too. Once she is mentally not capable, you will not be able to do anything.
In regards to your sister, you are not alone. This is very typical with most families with aging parents. Do what is right for your mom and concentrate on that. PS. I might add some cameras or record some calls in case you ever need to prove the way your sister speaks to your mom because if she is stressing her - there maybe something you can do later. Just keep everything to yourself because people talk. Good Luck and stay positive..
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Myownlife Aug 2021
Good point about the house and all the other. One other thought is that the Mom could "gift" it to the OP daughter, so that it is only in her name.
(0)
Report
You've taking the role of primary protector of your mother - and that includes her mental well-being. If you feel your sister is such a negative force, you absolutely have the right to restrict her access to your mother. I recommend that you block her phone-calls and if you must, inform her that her visits are not welcome unless she stops her incessant whining and cease bringing up old complaints. And BTW, you're not required to keep her informed. To protect yourself, I suggest you put this in writing and send a copy of it to her via certified mail. I recommend that you record encounters like this and keep a diary.
Yes! - your situation is not at all unique - - - sadly.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I think tbh it puts you in a negative light to go to so much effort to malign your sister even down to her being excited and involved in your nieces wedding you strangely describe as her being “obsessed” and could cause some to wonder who the difficult one is. Either way with siblings there’s always two sides and she’s not here to speak for herself so it’s best to focus on your own life and what you do or don’t want to do to help your mom. You moved in with your mother 20 years ago when she would’ve only been in her late 60’s, it doesn’t sound like you moved in with her back then bc she needed caregiving ( correct if wrong but based on what you wrote it doesn’t sound like you moved in with her bc she needed someone to do caregiving)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
swegner Aug 2021
Answers like yours are the reason I no longer feel safe to post on this forum.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Key is get that POA for health and finance while keeping in mind they are voided upon death. Do not put her as a co-POA. Consult with lawyer for best way to be in charge of all of your mother's estate such as an executor. Another possibility is for you to be made guardian.

My stepmother had to have her number removed from her father's phone so he could no longer call her after many abusive calls. Perhaps screen for mom?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

POA TODAY! NOW TODAY!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Kaki3152 ~ Might I add that a POA ends at death, therefore, if your Mom doesn't have a will, she should, even if she doesn't "own" property. An elder law attorney should get all necessary paperwork done in one or two visits. Yes, it will cost, but headaches after your Mom passes can be avoided if YOU are named sole executor.

When my Mom was in her final years, I, too, was helping her with her checkbook. My Mom handled the family finances all her life. At the end she was making mistakes in adding and subtracting and her checkbook was a mess. I can't tell you how many times I needed to rewrite her checkbook register.

She was experiencing loss of short term memory. Does your Mom own the home she lives in? Is her name only on utility bills? In the last few years, we went over all her assets and accounts. My brother and sister were not caregiving our Mother and pretty much ignored the reality that "someone" was going to need to step up and take care of these things. It sucks being the only competent/reliable sibling in a family. Therefore, I hired an expert elder law attorney to draw up a will and my Mom named me sole executor because she knew I could handle everything and would carry out her wishes (I am the youngest of 3). My Mom had a few small life insurance policies that were changed to me being the sole beneficiary. My name was on her joint bank accounts with me as payable to me upon her death. All this was done to avoid ANY disagreements. Our Mom discussed with me numerous times what she wanted to happen after she was gone. I discussed this with my sister and brother because they avoided these conversations with our mother. They didn't have a problem with any of the above because they didn't want to do any of the "work" involved in handling issues after someone dies. Nice, huh?

I kept METICULOUS records of income and expenses after our mother passed so there could be no issues. Everything was equally distributed in the long run. If you have been living with your Mom for 20 years, I hope there is a will in place if she owns her home. You seem to be her primary caregiver and know her best. Your sister seems to care little for anyone but herself. Your best protection is to be prepared legally.

Your Mom seems to want to tell your sister everything that's happening (POA etc) -- oh, and a health care proxy should have only you as decision maker if you feel your sister would be argumentative and not have your Mom's wishes in mind -- and that's okay. As people get older, they want to talk to anyone who will have a conversation with them, even if it upsets them. So, just get everything done paperwork-wise NOW and it will be done. Someone has to be in charge and you're it. You don't even have to tell your sister anything if you don't want to. If your sister doesn't like it, well so what. I doubt she will physically take your Mom to another attorney and change anything you both put it place. These type of siblings have a lot to say, but when push comes to shove, they don't want to actually "do" anything that will create work for them. It's typical.

My advice would be to try to avoid your sister and take care of Mom the best you can. Confront her ONCE if you must, say your peace, and be done with her. Tell her she is upsetting your Mom with her phone conversations and if it continues, you will end those in short order. You don't need to continue a toxic relationship with your sister. That's YOUR decision. Your sister sounds pretty narcissistic so calling her out about these upsetting conversations with your Mom probably won't phase her. Keep the conversations going with your Mom in a calm manner and assure her you are taking care of everything and love her very much. Just do your best for Mom and you will have no regrets after she's gone.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hello and GET THE POA NOW! TODAY!!! Do it for not only your mothers best interest, but for YOUR sake as well. And do it NOW before your mother’s health declines any further so that NOBODY can contest it based on ANYTHING such as moms “state of mind” or in capabilities, because I GUARANTEE 150% that somebody WILL try to contest it!
If I seem to be coming across a tad ‘aggressive’ it is because I AM! And Kaki, I am only doing so out of the luv and compassion that we family caregivers have for each other. And out of an urgent instinct to protect our commarades from the difficulties we learned the hard ways during our caregiver journey.

susan xoxo
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
deedeer Aug 2021
Yes and be prepared to go to court if your sister is this vindictive. She will argue in court to challenge everything. If you communicate do it via email and keep all records. Keep it very short, no emotions and just the facts so she cannot say you cut her out entirely later.
(0)
Report
If your mom is still deemed capable and appoints you her POA/DPOA there is no battle for your sister to have with you. Now sounds like she might get on your mom about it which would be horrible but that only shows more of her (your sisters) true colors. If you do this through a competent attorney I’m sure they will tell you that while in most circumstances it’s best to be up front and inform everyone of the plans for moms aging it isn’t necessary so unless there are other family members who you feel need to know I would simply not advertise. Don’t hide it but don’t offer the info that her legal, both financial and medical, unless someone asks. Even when they do just say yes it’s all taken care of.

Also if it does come up or you need to inform your sister for some unknown reason, you might just focus on the medical side of it. It was necessary for someone to have medical POA and since you are dealing with her medications and doctors appointments the attorney felt it should be you. If your sister puts up a stick then fine if she wants to take over moms care you will gladly hand it over, in this particular case I’m not sure offering the option of both of you having this responsibility is wise since your relationship is so strained.

The other thing I would urge you to remember when speaking and thinking about this is you don’t have POA “over” your mom you have it “for” her, I know seems a small difference but a significant one when you think about it. While in actuality may you the ability to do pretty much anything, technically it doesn’t give you the authority with your mom still considered competent.

Don't let the fear of your sisters wrath stop you from getting your mothers legal affairs in order ASAP and hide behind the attorney if you need to, they should be used to this. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Proceed with your plans for Durable Power of Attorney, including a Living Will. Nothing will be gained by trying to compromise with your sister's lifetime of bitterness for real or imagined slights.
Unfortunately, this type of situation brings out the flaws in family loyalties. So, she goes ballistic. You don't have a relationship with her to save, and you may have to limit her access to your mother for her well being. Stay focused on your plan to assure your vulnerable mother enjoys some quality of life for her limited years.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Kaki, I see that you do have a plan in motion. The idea of naming 2 persons to jointly hold the power to make health care decisions - if that is what your mother wants - can be tricky in practice. Sometimes whoever is listed first is considered the decision maker in a case of disagreement between the 2 persons - but sometimes the care team wants both people to come to an agreement. If your sister is the alternate, that indicates that she is involved in your mother's care but not necessarily the decision maker.
I am the POA for my mother but the lawyer wrote in a sentence that I need to consult with/communicate with my 3 siblings before I make a decision. That is what my mother wanted. Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Toomush Aug 2021
We once had a three-way Health Care POA. It ended up nearly killing my mother during a crisis.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Hi friend ,I’m in the same boat , mums 90 with CAA DEMENTIA and I’m doing everything I can to get her into an aged care facility in same state as myself and my older sister , my sister who has a husband and is wealthy ,compared to my welfare situation and public housing . My jealous sister is sitting back blaming and hindering my attempts to get my mum safe and into care , excusing me that I am in it for money ( ummm what money ? It will all go on her care and so it should)!.. she has no idea what I have to do on a daily basis .
You know how it is ,it’s application after email after phone call day in day out . it’s a job no one wants but someone has to and you need others in the family to support you if they can’t directly help ,all I want is to have mum in same state so I can watch how she is treated in the facility, and visit her daily .
I don’t have an answer for you because I’m still in the jungle with you ,trying to find pathways to getting mum safe !
But I will say one thing I’m an Empath and it’s sounds very much like you are also .Empaths do things altruistically out of love and loyalty ,not for self gain .on the other hand ... my sister and by what you’ve told us about your sister - exhibit Narcacistic traits and unfortunately , they can not relate to or have empathy for anyone other than things ,situations and people that directly impact them or do something for them ( this is not a professional opinion just an observation) ...sadly they will have to live with the guilt of not doing their best for all concerned... you on the other hand , although exhausted ,will be able to know in your heart ♥️ as will your mother know when she goes into the spirit world , that you did your very best for her , ( in my opinion)suffering for the sake of others is the highest form of love 💗 good luck you are doing a great thing .
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
bundleofjoy Aug 2021
hug!!

i agree:
empathetic/kind people vs. selfish/exploitative people (dumping everything on you).

...“oh say can you see, what is in it for me”
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter